National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Simmons and his pale vixen on their last evening together

(El Paso, TX)—University of Texas El Paso junior Chet Simmons chose to grimly end his life earlier this week, finally succumbing to years of depression, substance abuse, and an inability to communicate his feelings with friends and family members.

But perhaps what was even more tragic than Simmons’ untimely passing was his suicide note, which was so riddled with clichés, grammatical errors, and predictable statements of woe that it failed to adequately address the intense pathos of the moment.

“i can see no way out of this abysse [sic], and my world is crumbleing [sic] in like tin foil,” reads Simmons’ first unintelligible sentence. “I am takeing [sic] myself away from this rat race, and going too the starrs [sic] where freedoms our [sic].”

Indeed, those closest to Simmons seemed more horrified by his prosodic faux-pas than they were by his swift exeunt from the stage of life.

“I don’t know what’s more pathetic—the fact that Chet hung himself with a belt, or that he didn’t know the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too,’” huffed roommate and best friend Evan Ulston. “It’s hard to mourn a guy whose written command of the English language was weaker than a diaper-shitting mongoloid with Down's [Syndrome].”

A diaper-shitting mongoloid with Down Syndrome

Other members of Simmons’ inner circle reiterated their disappointment and resignation.

“That dumb fuck fancied himself a vampire poet for years despite the inability to form a goddamn sentence,” remarked older brother Vance, a paralegal in the greater Houston area. “I told him back at Christmas that he needed to get laid, see a shrink, and stop dressing like an underpaid renaissance fair actor, but once again, mom said I was the insensitive asshole. Now look what her precious baby boy has wrought.”

Labels: Down Syndrome, suicide, suicide note