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6/12/2007

Target Celebrates the Majesty of Classic Rock with $8 Tees

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Retro Tees: Talkin’ Bout My My My High School Image

(Washington, D.C.)—Target, the über-affordable retail alternative to proletarian outlets such K-Mart and Wal-Mart, has decided to fully embrace the iconic wonderment of classic rock by selling cheap silk-screened t-shirts to witless teenagers.

Acts included in this unique capitalistic endeavor are luminaries such as AC/DC, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and The Who, among others.

“Imagine, if you will, a world in which rock band t-shirts can only be obtained from concert vendors, out-of-the-way record shops, and cool older brothers,” remarked Target marketing executive Frank Dondalinger in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Thankfully, this difficult marriage of due diligence and real fanaticism is over—now any zit-faced poser with a ten-spot can be a walking billboard for a great band they’ve never heard.”

Chris Hitchens, a high school sophomore in the Washington D.C. suburbs, reiterated Dondalinger’s sentiments.


Jim Morrison: Singer, sex symbol, a face on your tits

“Jim Morrison did all kinds of drugs and was cool as shit,” boomed Hitchens as he sloppily consumed a steaming Hot Pocket. “I just got my first paycheck from this summer landscaping job I work with my cousin Steve, and bought like, nine fucking Doors shirts. They did that trippy Stairway to the Other Side song. Anyway, you can bet your sweet ass come next school year I’ll be getting blown in the parking lot by Tina Maxwell. She’ll see me, and my new shirts, and maybe some chin stubble if it grows better soon, and be like ‘Oh Chris, I want suck you off, you’re so mysterious!’ Just like that, brother. Mark my words.”

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