National Nitwit

Left: "Unappreciated" radio host Merriwether

(Portland, OR) Late nite host Mark Merriwether of KGON-FM grows weary of creating "masterful mixes" that seem to fall on deaf ears.

"The other day I followed Chicago's "Beginnings" with The Doors' 'The End,' but not a single listener called in or emailed to let me know they made the connection," he said, scratching his neck. "It's like I am playing records to an audience of mind-numbed zombies or something. Even my pothead cousin Henry smoking a fat Blunt would have figured that one out."

Merriwether admits that his 7 pm to 12 am shift "ain't exactly morning drive," but notes that there are anywhere from eight to twelve thousand listeners at any moment on the classic rock station.

"Sure, they'll call in for Skynyrd's 'Free Bird' or Aerosmith's 'Dream On,' so I know they are out there," he mused, loading a series of commercials. "But can they put a little thought into what I am doing? No freaking way."


Left: The sound of...nothing

A recent experiment convinced Merriwether of his audience's "collective imbecility."

"I thought to myself: 'Mark, let's make it easy for them,' so I played AC-DC's 'Highway to Hell' right after Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven,'" he said, sipping his coffee and starting a 10-song Music Marathon. "But no. Complete silence. Finally the phone rings, and it's some fucking asswipe asking for BOC's 'Don't Fear the Reeefer.' Dear God, just put a bullet in my head. Right now. Please?"

Labels: classic rock, DJ, KGON-FM, Portland

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Retro Tees: Talkin’ Bout My My My High School Image

(Washington, D.C.)—Target, the über-affordable retail alternative to proletarian outlets such K-Mart and Wal-Mart, has decided to fully embrace the iconic wonderment of classic rock by selling cheap silk-screened t-shirts to witless teenagers.

Acts included in this unique capitalistic endeavor are luminaries such as AC/DC, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and The Who, among others.

“Imagine, if you will, a world in which rock band t-shirts can only be obtained from concert vendors, out-of-the-way record shops, and cool older brothers,” remarked Target marketing executive Frank Dondalinger in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Thankfully, this difficult marriage of due diligence and real fanaticism is over—now any zit-faced poser with a ten-spot can be a walking billboard for a great band they’ve never heard.”

Chris Hitchens, a high school sophomore in the Washington D.C. suburbs, reiterated Dondalinger’s sentiments.


Jim Morrison: Singer, sex symbol, a face on your tits

“Jim Morrison did all kinds of drugs and was cool as shit,” boomed Hitchens as he sloppily consumed a steaming Hot Pocket. “I just got my first paycheck from this summer landscaping job I work with my cousin Steve, and bought like, nine fucking Doors shirts. They did that trippy Stairway to the Other Side song. Anyway, you can bet your sweet ass come next school year I’ll be getting blown in the parking lot by Tina Maxwell. She’ll see me, and my new shirts, and maybe some chin stubble if it grows better soon, and be like ‘Oh Chris, I want suck you off, you’re so mysterious!’ Just like that, brother. Mark my words.”

Labels: classic rock, Jim Morrison, Target, The Who