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Bush: Iraq in Second Life "All Fucked Up," Too

(Washington, DC) President Bush, in a briefing before White House reporters, admitted that his attempts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq in the virtual world of Second Life have been as frustrating as those in the real world.

"We're spending $400 trillion Linden Dollars a month, and we have twice the number of U.S. soldiers killed," he acknowledged, gesturing toward a PowerPoint presentation. "But we have seen progress with the deployment of 50,000 Residents in Second Life Iraq, and we believe that - come spring 2008 - we will defeat the virtual insurgents and see the birth of a stable virtual Iraq."

Bush said that he hopes the beta version of Second Life will be "more stratergically-focused" for U.S. troops than the current version of the online game.

"Listen - we have to be within 96 meters to kill an insurgent's avatar, which is total bullshit," he noted. "In real life an M-16 assault rifle has an effective range of 550 meters, and more like 700 meters if you are on a high building shooting downwind."

Finally, said the President, his administration has "bold new plans" should the virtual troop surge fail in Second Life Iraq.

"Pretty basically, we're going to storm Linden Labs and take out their command and control infrastructure," he said. "Then we'll get some of our guys in there and program this Second Life thing the right way. Oh - and no more of that PayPal or credit card nonsense, either. I blew about $10 grand on this stupid game last year."

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