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8/14/2007

New Exit Strategy: Iraq to Become 51st State, Troops to Remain 'Home'

Left: All it takes is one more state, folks

(Washington, D.C.) One of the first moves in the post-Rove White House today was the surprising announcement of a new exit strategy by the President.

"By formally annexing Iraq as the fifty-first state, we will be able to come to terms with the nation's desire to see the troops return home," President Bush enthused. "So I am here today to formally welcome the state of Iraq into the Union, and to welcome home the hardworking American soldiers."

Bush said the annexation proposal has hidden benefits in postwar Iraq.

"Each of the main regions - Sunni, Shi'a, and Kurd - will be broken up into counties, and Iraq will be kind of like California: crazy, but loveable," he said. "And then we can get down to the business of running this new state like Americans, although we are still working on getting rid of those nutty Arabic letters on everything. I mean, for Chrissakes - how the hell do you know what to order when you pull up to the drive-thru in a Baghdad Wendy's?"

The President added that the creation of the new fifty-first state - which he proposed calling 'Oilessee' - would necessitate some "stratergic military considerations."

"Obviously, Oilessee would need some new Army and Air Force bases, and we might have to set up some pay incentives to attract more military personnel to relocate there," he noted. "But the important thing is, we would finally be able to welcome home our sons and daughters, though they might not like their new digs at first. That, and we could tax the shit out of IEDs and car bombs, as we all know the best way to kill a behavior is to tax it, right?"

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