.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Britney Spears’ Vagina Declared a National Biohazard

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Spears: Her Snatch Is a Toxic Wasteland

(Washington, D.C.)—After a failed marriage, an abysmal career comeback, and an erratic, drug-addled lifestyle that has resulted in the loss of her two young children, it would appear that pop star Britney Spears’ life couldn’t get worse.

That was until this morning, however, when the National Institute for Health deemed Spears’ vagina a national biohazard, and stringently recommended that it be avoided at all costs.

“After extensive biological analysis and a meticulous battery of tests, we have ruled Britney Spears’ vagina a hazard to man and beast alike,” remarked Frank Vespano, NIH spokesperson, during a packed news conference earlier this morning. “It is a foul, odious, ungodly stink-hole, and will destroy anyone who ventures its cavernous depths.”

Vespano outlined the physical and emotional ravages Spears’ vagina posed to the American populous.

“We have received initial reports alleging the vagina has bitten the heads off seventeen penile shafts, and rendered one victim’s left hand deformed beyond reckoning,” Vespano soberly intoned. “And these horrific encounters are not merely limited to random hook-ups with Olsen twin bodyguards. Just yesterday we received an anonymous tip from a bi-curious coed whose tongue turned the color of pea soup before it fell off entirely.”

Citizens were warned that even the slightest interaction with the vagina could result in irreparable damage.

“Some of you are probably thinking ‘oh, it couldn’t be that bad—what harm could come from an over-the-panties clit rub?’” Vespano poignantly noted. “Well, go ahead then, if you are willing to lose two moistened fingers and your soul. No encounter is too brief—not even a drunken dry hump in the backseat of an Escalade.”

Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?