National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Spears: Her Snatch Is a Toxic Wasteland

(Washington, D.C.)—After a failed marriage, an abysmal career comeback, and an erratic, drug-addled lifestyle that has resulted in the loss of her two young children, it would appear that pop star Britney Spears’ life couldn’t get worse.

That was until this morning, however, when the National Institute for Health deemed Spears’ vagina a national biohazard, and stringently recommended that it be avoided at all costs.

“After extensive biological analysis and a meticulous battery of tests, we have ruled Britney Spears’ vagina a hazard to man and beast alike,” remarked Frank Vespano, NIH spokesperson, during a packed news conference earlier this morning. “It is a foul, odious, ungodly stink-hole, and will destroy anyone who ventures its cavernous depths.”

Vespano outlined the physical and emotional ravages Spears’ vagina posed to the American populous.

“We have received initial reports alleging the vagina has bitten the heads off seventeen penile shafts, and rendered one victim’s left hand deformed beyond reckoning,” Vespano soberly intoned. “And these horrific encounters are not merely limited to random hook-ups with Olsen twin bodyguards. Just yesterday we received an anonymous tip from a bi-curious coed whose tongue turned the color of pea soup before it fell off entirely.”

Citizens were warned that even the slightest interaction with the vagina could result in irreparable damage.

“Some of you are probably thinking ‘oh, it couldn’t be that bad—what harm could come from an over-the-panties clit rub?’” Vespano poignantly noted. “Well, go ahead then, if you are willing to lose two moistened fingers and your soul. No encounter is too brief—not even a drunken dry hump in the backseat of an Escalade.”

Labels: Biohazard, Britney Spears

Guest editorial by Jeremy Parsons, last user of dorm toilet

There are times when all of us create bathroom funk that causes our roommates to become, well, a bit disgusted. We all eat bad combinations of food - like onion rings and cheap beer, for example - that bring about a wave of foul odors.

Then there are emergency situations, like what we have right now after I took a mighty dump within the confines of our once-pristine lavatory facility.

And dude - we need a biohazard unit in the john - STAT!

I know what you're thinking: "Come on, man - it can't be that bad. Can it be any worse than when our beloved but menstruating friend Amber left a funky used tampon in the trash, with the door sealed, over spring break, a smell so noxious it took weeks to remove it?"

And yes - it's worse than that. I'm talking deadly. I had to crawl out of there on my hands and knees, tears welling in my eyes from the acrid fumes that emanated from the depths of our toilet.

I am still tasting the bile that crept up into my throat, an involuntary response to a stench so vile, so putrid, so ...inhuman... as to defy logic and reason.

Thus, I implore you, friends - get some professionals here in rapid fashion, before the evil that lurks within our bathroom consumes every one of us.

Labels: bathrooms, Biohazard, funk