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Romney to Nation: “My Faith Fuels My Hate”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Romney: Sort of Like Reagan, But Worse

(Washington, D.C.)—Ever since addressing his Mormonism for the first time publicly last week, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has made an undeniably strong effort to send a new message about his campaign: his faith is the driving force behind his seething hatred for gays, illegals, free-thinkers and those with dark complexions.

“For months I have dodged questions about my Mormonism because I felt the tone or timing was inopportune,” Romney explained during a recent stump speech in Washington, D.C. “But now the moment has arrived, and I want to make it clear to all the fundamentalist whack-jobs of America that I am one of you, and that we can share the supple majesty of our hatred together.”

Romney did not merely limited himself to an emotional appeal, however, as he attempted a rational explanation for how his faith informed his conservative worldview.

“Because Joseph Smith found the golden tablets and used a Nancy Drew decoder ring to tell us how Jesus smoked peyote with the Navajo, I will do everything in my power to fuck over liberals, blacks, gays, academics, working class families, and of course, illegal immigrants,” Romney intoned. “So if you believe in this nation’s core values of corporate domination and fear-mongering, but also like to pray a lot, I would welcome your vote.”

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