National Nitwit

Guest Editorial
by Winsted Andover, GOP political strategist

You know, there are moments in a campaign when an observer just has to stop, clap his hands, and say: "Bravo!" For me, that occurred the other day when I saw Mitt Romney shake off his pre-packaged personna and get real with some African Americans during a Martin Luther King Jr. memorial.

We saw Romney really connect with black voters by using the phrases "Bling Bling" and "Who Let The Dogs Out" that day. I mean, you expected him to say the usual sorts of candidate nonsense, but Romney really got down and boogied last week, and I think that this is a turning point for him. Up to this point, it has been John McCain getting most of the sympathy black votes, since he is the only GOP candidate to ever spend time in a prison cell.

It's no secret that Republicans have not fared well with black voters in the past five or six electoral cycles, at least not with blacks earning less than $70,000 per year, which would be, like, 97% of them or so. I have a gut feeling that Romney's plan to show his groove thang will resonate with blacks in a way no Republican has since Abraham-fucking-Lincoln.

My recommendation? Romney needs to drop black cultural references in every speech between now and November. Hip phrases like "Sock it to me, baby!" and "Dy-no-MITE!" and "My name is Kunta Kinte," stuff like that. Every photo opp should feature him pulling a greasy fried chicken leg out of a bucket, and he ought to start wearing baggy shorts and a sideways-turned baseball hat, too.

Oh, and when he's talking about Osama bin Laden, I wholeheartedly suggest that he use a line like this: "I finna bust a cap in that niggah's ass, a-i-i-i-e-e-e-e-e-t!"

You gotta use every tool in the box when running for President, and I think Mitt Romney has one killa strategy, y'all.

Labels: bling bling, Mitt Romney, Who let the dogs out

(Portsmouth, NH) Local panhandler Emmett Burgoyne said that he has tracked down "nearly every" presidential contender in the upcoming primary, and he has been disappointed with their collective efforts to bring change to the Granite State.

"So far, to date, I've only received $1.84 from these heartless bastards," he noted. "And most of that was from Dennis Kucinich when he thought I was a parking lot attendant. As far as I'm concerned, these cheap sons-a-bitches don't know the meaning of the word 'change.'"

Burgoyne said that most of the candidates tried to pretend he did not exist.

"I mean, it's not like I don't have a sign and all," he added. "It would be one thing if I was some crazed, drooling lunatic who deserved a Secret Service laser-sight on his forehead, but I am just doing my job and getting shat on."

Burgoyne said that GOP candidate Mitt Romney gave him the "coldest of cold shoulders" after a speech this morning.

"Dude was all like: 'Just... don't... touch... me!' when I walked over to him," he recalled. "Yes, I need a bath, and yes, I'm not exactly walking around in a Brooks Brothers suit, but there's no reason to treat me like an LDS heretic and shit. Some things are just plain wrong, you know?"

Labels: Kucinich, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Romney: Sort of Like Reagan, But Worse

(Washington, D.C.)—Ever since addressing his Mormonism for the first time publicly last week, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has made an undeniably strong effort to send a new message about his campaign: his faith is the driving force behind his seething hatred for gays, illegals, free-thinkers and those with dark complexions.

“For months I have dodged questions about my Mormonism because I felt the tone or timing was inopportune,” Romney explained during a recent stump speech in Washington, D.C. “But now the moment has arrived, and I want to make it clear to all the fundamentalist whack-jobs of America that I am one of you, and that we can share the supple majesty of our hatred together.”

Romney did not merely limited himself to an emotional appeal, however, as he attempted a rational explanation for how his faith informed his conservative worldview.

“Because Joseph Smith found the golden tablets and used a Nancy Drew decoder ring to tell us how Jesus smoked peyote with the Navajo, I will do everything in my power to fuck over liberals, blacks, gays, academics, working class families, and of course, illegal immigrants,” Romney intoned. “So if you believe in this nation’s core values of corporate domination and fear-mongering, but also like to pray a lot, I would welcome your vote.”

Labels: 2008 elections, Mitt Romney

Left: Romney calls all American patriots to battle immigrant scourge

(Boston, MA) Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today issued a condemnation of the bipartisan effort rto eshape the nation's immigration laws and give millions of illegal immigrants legal status.

"Internationalization today means only illegal immigration. We in the United States have come to this: that a people sees its destiny to lie at the will of a few dozen bankers profiting from illegal aliens," he told reporters. "This was possible only because our civilization had first been immigrationized. The undermining of the American conception of personality by catchwords had begun long before, like 'human rights' and 'amnesty.'"

Romney issued a stern manifesto regarding the presence of "blood-sucking" illegal immigrants.

"We demand immediate expulsion of all illegals who have entered America since 1988, and of all those, too, who through trickery on the Stock Exchange or through other shady transactions have gained their wealth," he cried. "No salvation is possible until the bearer of disunion, the illegal immigrant, has been rendered powerless to harm!"

Romney, arm raised in a salute, called upon patriotic Americans to rise up against the "alien menace."

"Extremes must be fought by extremes. Against the infection of materialism, against the illegal alien pestilence we must hold aloft a flaming ideal," he shouted. "And if others speak of the World and Humanity we say the Fatherland - and only the Fatherland!"

Labels: Final Solution, Illegal Immigration, Mitt Romney

Left: Former Massachusets governor Mitt Romney introducing four of his five wives to the media prior to last week's GOP debate

(Simi Valley, CA) After the Republican presidential candidate debate Thursday night at the Ronald Reagan Library, most of Mitt Romney's wives gathered to praise their husband's traditional morals.

"Mitt has never cheated on any of us, and he believes so much in family values that he supports not one but five families," enthused Sarah Romney, Mitt's third wife. "And you know that any politician with this many wives has to be patient and understanding. Mitt knows that plural marriage is the ultimate in family values."

Second wife Olivia Romney said that her husband's pro-life stance, a tenet of his Mormon faith, is one of the values that attracted her to him.

"Mitt has always believed in the sanctity of life, and he has never missed an opportunity to add more little Mitts to the planet," she said, patting her stomach where the nineteenth Romney gestates. "America cannot continue to lead the family of nations around the world if we suffer the collapse of the family here at home, and Mitt is doing his part by maintaining five families."

First wife Ann Romney admitted that she was a bit "confounded" when husband Mitt first broached the subject of adding more wives and children to the Romney family.

"I used to think that women suffered by polygamy, but then I saw so many beautiful women who were very willing to share a prosperous man that I came to the conclusion that smart women jumped into plural marriage," she said. "And, let's face it - Mitt recognized that there are many decent men in our country who would be willing and able to take care of struggling women and children and adopt them as their own. This reduces the need for the state to act as nanny, and gives each of us a piece of Mitt."

Labels: 2008 elections, GOP debate, Mitt Romney