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Homeless NH Man Not Seeing Much Change from Candidates

(Portsmouth, NH) Local panhandler Emmett Burgoyne said that he has tracked down "nearly every" presidential contender in the upcoming primary, and he has been disappointed with their collective efforts to bring change to the Granite State.

"So far, to date, I've only received $1.84 from these heartless bastards," he noted. "And most of that was from Dennis Kucinich when he thought I was a parking lot attendant. As far as I'm concerned, these cheap sons-a-bitches don't know the meaning of the word 'change.'"

Burgoyne said that most of the candidates tried to pretend he did not exist.

"I mean, it's not like I don't have a sign and all," he added. "It would be one thing if I was some crazed, drooling lunatic who deserved a Secret Service laser-sight on his forehead, but I am just doing my job and getting shat on."

Burgoyne said that GOP candidate Mitt Romney gave him the "coldest of cold shoulders" after a speech this morning.

"Dude was all like: 'Just... don't... touch... me!' when I walked over to him," he recalled. "Yes, I need a bath, and yes, I'm not exactly walking around in a Brooks Brothers suit, but there's no reason to treat me like an LDS heretic and shit. Some things are just plain wrong, you know?"

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