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Tom Brady Outed as Vampire Who Feasts on Fresh Virgin Blood

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Brady: He’ll Suck Your Daughter Dry

(Foxborough, MA)—Sources close to the New England Patriots leaked critical information earlier this morning that NFL MVP Tom Brady, arguably the greatest quarterback of his generation, is in fact a vampire who feasts on the blood of unspoiled teenage women.

“Brady is a monster, straight up,” remarked a Patriots source who spoke to the National Nitwit only under the guise of anonymity. “I mean, for starters, the guy sleeps in a coffin, refuses to eat any dish with garlic at team luncheons, and frankly, just has blood on his face all the time.”

However, it is not just any blood that quenches Brady’s unholy thirst.

“When I first met Tom, man, I thought he was just into young pussy, right, which ain’t all that different from other single guys in this league,” explained teammate Randy Moss. “But then I noticed he was never with the same shorty twice, and that he get really paranoid about guys opening the trunk of his car. It didn’t take long to put two and two together.”

So as the Patriots and Chargers both prepare for their AFC Championship bout this weekend, one question remains: will Brady’s bloodlust undermine his team’s unprecedented season?

“Look, I don’t care if the guy is slurping type O Negative from Hannah Montana’s inner thigh on the sideline,” huffed a defensive Moss. “As long as my dude keep throwing touchdowns, we goin’ to the Superbowl.”

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