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3/25/2008

Cock-Starved Feminist Accused of Rape

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


Richards: Frumpy, Unshaven, and Hungry for Cock


(Philadelphia)—Feminist and lesbian activist Judith Richards, a leading strategist for the Clinton campaign, was indicted earlier this afternoon for raping a male co-worker at an after-hours party on Super Tuesday.

And with the Pennsylvania primaries only weeks away, such scandal could literally turn the tide in the Democratic presidential primary.

“The evidence in this case is pretty elementary: this dangle-boob carpet-muncher got hammered, coaxed a male coworker into an isolated area who, might I add, was under the impression that new poll numbers had arrived, and proceeded to ride him like a ten-cent rocket ship outside K-Mart,” explained police spokesperson Fernando Gonzalez. “The physical evidence at the scene, what with the torn granny-panties and abundance of vaginal ejaculation, should be more than adequate for the grand jury.”

Many in the legal community are anxiously ponderous, as this case could usher a paradigm shift in the very concept of rape, as well as its warning signs, modes of prevention, and stereotypical culprits.

“When we think of rapists, we tend to picture meathead college boys or perverted loners—men with uncontrollable urges and violent tendencies,” explained Dr. Xavier Guff, Professor of Sociology at Temple University. “But the Richards situation clearly demonstrates that a portion of the dikewad community, seemingly content with finger-bangs and lick-jobs, is ultimately jonesing for the purple-headed yogurt-tosser, and will go to extraordinarily means to have their needs fulfilled.”

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