National Nitwit

Clinton: Puckered and tested

(Terre Haute, IN) Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told an Indiana audience that she has a plan to help beleaguered American motorists with the sharp rise in gas prices.

"I am meeting people across Indiana and North Carolina who drive for a living, who commute long distances, who would save money if the oil companies paid this $8 billion gas tax this summer, instead of it coming out of the pockets of consumers," she noted of the 18.4-cent per-gallon federal gas tax. "Also, I intend to give each and every motorist the juiciest rim job they ever got, my tongue buried so deep I'm tasting the first piece of tomorrow morning's turd."

Clinton said that the "two-pronged approach" is necessary to combat corporate gouging.

"There's no doubt that these record profits of the oil companies are a result of a number of factors beyond supply and demand," she said. "I figure a gas tax cut, plus a good old-fashioned ass-tonguing, will help consumers relax a little. I know that nothing gets me into that state of perfect calm better than a 10-minute oral sphincter massage."

Clinton also took aim at her competitors for the White House.

"Senator Obama doesn't want us to take down the gas tax this summer and Senator McCain wants us to, but he doesn't want to pay for it," she said. "But neither of my opponents has offered to shove their tongues up the bung holes of the nation's taxpayers. Let me say this: Hillary Clinton is not too proud to get on her knees and give you anal pleasure, America."

Labels: Hillary Clinton, rim jobs

Guest Editorial by George Norwood,
Michigan voter

I think it is highly un-democratic and an insult to the voters of Michigan that our Democratic primary did not count, and that the Party will not seat our delegates. After all, no state has been hit harder by job cuts than Michigan, and the blue collar voters of this state have been loyal Democrats for many decades.

Thus, it is only fair that we Michigan voters exercise our right to choose which candidate will fuck us up the ass.

Listen - for the past fifty years we've been taking the snake up the poop chute from Washington politicians. LBJ? Hammered us hard. Nixon? Plowed us like blond-headed prison arrivals. Reagan? Slapped us around and drilled us with his withered horse cock.

Some Michigan voters might want Barack Obama as President, because he would probably be gentle and put on some romantic music first, maybe whispering in our ears just before slipping his shaft up our asses. The problem with Obama is that he is young, and would likely want to fuck us up the ass 3-4 times week.

Others might want Hillary Clinton, who would be fucking Michigan voters up the ass with a blood-red strap-on dildo. Clinton would ride Michigan pretty rough, but she would probably fuck us up the ass really hard every other weekend, and she might give Michigan the occasional reacharound.

I think Michigan Republicans had better choices, since John McCain is too old to be fucking Michigan up the ass, and even with Viagra, he would be only be pointing his limp dick our way once a month. But I am glad that Mitt Romney is out, since those sexually repressed Mormons would be likely to be dragging Michigan out behind the garage and fucking us up the ass, like, every hour or so.

So, in the final analysis, as the state that has to get presidentially poked on a regular basis, I believe Michigan residents should have some choice as to which candidate gets to fuck us up the ass.

And maybe this time they could leave twenty bucks on the nightstand. It's not like we are whores, but if we could buy ourselves a little something, we might feel better about getting fucked up the ass so much.

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Michigan

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Richards: Frumpy, Unshaven, and Hungry for Cock

(Philadelphia)—Feminist and lesbian activist Judith Richards, a leading strategist for the Clinton campaign, was indicted earlier this afternoon for raping a male co-worker at an after-hours party on Super Tuesday.

And with the Pennsylvania primaries only weeks away, such scandal could literally turn the tide in the Democratic presidential primary.

“The evidence in this case is pretty elementary: this dangle-boob carpet-muncher got hammered, coaxed a male coworker into an isolated area who, might I add, was under the impression that new poll numbers had arrived, and proceeded to ride him like a ten-cent rocket ship outside K-Mart,” explained police spokesperson Fernando Gonzalez. “The physical evidence at the scene, what with the torn granny-panties and abundance of vaginal ejaculation, should be more than adequate for the grand jury.”

Many in the legal community are anxiously ponderous, as this case could usher a paradigm shift in the very concept of rape, as well as its warning signs, modes of prevention, and stereotypical culprits.

“When we think of rapists, we tend to picture meathead college boys or perverted loners—men with uncontrollable urges and violent tendencies,” explained Dr. Xavier Guff, Professor of Sociology at Temple University. “But the Richards situation clearly demonstrates that a portion of the dikewad community, seemingly content with finger-bangs and lick-jobs, is ultimately jonesing for the purple-headed yogurt-tosser, and will go to extraordinarily means to have their needs fulfilled.”

Labels: feminism, Hillary Clinton

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Clinton: Bring On the Rumps

(Washington, D.C.)—With her presidential bid struggling to compete with Barack Obama’s now-infamous surge in delegates and financial contributions, Hilary Clinton announced this morning that she is going to “toss the motherfucking salad” of any registered Democratic voters living in the crucial states of Ohio or Texas before their do-or-die primary elections.

It is worth noting that ‘salad tossing’ is street slang for analingus, a rather taboo sexual act that is most popular among prison inmates.

“My fellow Americans, so much of this race has hinged on whose dedication and leadership is more worthy of your vote,” a slightly intoxicated Clinton intoned. “So that is why I’m going to put my dignity, health, and tongue on the line by eating some Texas cowboy ass, right now, and earn your vote the old fashioned way: by embracing patriarchy and salsa-slathered butt-holes.”

Lest Ohio voters feel unattended, Clinton explained her impending Marathon Munch Tour.

“After I’ve licked my way across the panhandle, I’m coming for you Ohio,” Clinton boomed. “And if you want it in the back of a ’74 Dodge Dart with Bob Seger cranked on the eight track, then goddamn it, that’s how I’ll do it. Just remember, America, as I’m face deep in your turd-cutter, that this election is more than fancy speeches—it’s about getting the job done. Well, that and ass-gasms.”

Labels: 2008 elections, Hillary Clinton

Guest Editorial by
Senator Hillary Clinton

Listen up, y'all: I know that Brarack Obama has been peddling his half-black ass around South Carolina lately, trying to pretend he has an ounce of Negritude about him, but I know that South Carolina voters are not that stupid. You want a President who can walk the walk, and who knows what it means to grow up poor and black.

South Carolina: I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am your nigga.

For starters, y'all know that my husband Bill was the first African American President, and since I have slept with him at least a dozen times, it is obvious I am down with the brown. What you probably don't know is that I taught Bill everything he knows about being black.

So when everybody got they noses up in the air, I'll be there for you, lettin' you know your nigga cares. Cuz only niggas is willing to put it all on the line, so ride wit us when it's killin' time, 'cuz I got yo back, South Carolina.

And when I'm ballin', I'm a floss in front of all y'all non-believers. You thought I couldn't win, but to my homies, my lovers, and my friends, I got yo back, South Carolina.

Peace out, y'all.

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, South Carolina

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Giuliani: Less substance than a lobotomized Jersey blonde on Quaaludes

(Washington, D.C.)—Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York and Republican presidential hopeful, made a surprising admission earlier this morning during a Houston, Texas visit on his campaign trail: he has “no idea what the fuck” he stands for, and is continually amazed at his soaring popularity.

“I would love to clarify my stance on abortion, as soon as I figure out what the fuck it is,” Giuliani remarked to a roomful of reporters and press agents. “Honestly, I’m still riding high on that whole 9/11 thing. You guys remember that? 9/11? When I saved the universe from space mutants? That shit was awesome.”

He also asserted that his platform on equally important issues is convoluted and shaky at best.

“Gays? Hate ‘em, but they deserve equal rights... unless it’s Opposite Day,” Giuliani chuckled. “But seriously, gun control, immigrants, Medicare—all that other stuff is beyond me. Hell, just last week I stood in the frozen food section of the grocery store staring at frozen pizzas like a drunk injun for half an hour. Four cheese, pepperoni, supreme... I had to buy two of each just to get the fuck out of there.”

Giuliani concluded by noting that he is continually impressed by the leadership of the Democratic opposition.

“I have to admit, folks,” the former mayor inquisitively intoned, “Hillary and Barack are both a lot better at this than me. Why, when we were all in the Holiday Inn hot tub last week, smoking a righteous bowl of ganja, I turned to Obama and said: ‘Dude, you look just like Jimi Hendrix. I’d vote for your ass in a minute.’ Then we all went to my room and watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force on TiVo. That shit is hilarious.”

Labels: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani