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3/04/2008

With Candidacy at Stake, Clinton to Toss Salad of Potential Voters

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Clinton: Bring On the Rumps

(Washington, D.C.)—With her presidential bid struggling to compete with Barack Obama’s now-infamous surge in delegates and financial contributions, Hilary Clinton announced this morning that she is going to “toss the motherfucking salad” of any registered Democratic voters living in the crucial states of Ohio or Texas before their do-or-die primary elections.

It is worth noting that ‘salad tossing’ is street slang for analingus, a rather taboo sexual act that is most popular among prison inmates.

“My fellow Americans, so much of this race has hinged on whose dedication and leadership is more worthy of your vote,” a slightly intoxicated Clinton intoned. “So that is why I’m going to put my dignity, health, and tongue on the line by eating some Texas cowboy ass, right now, and earn your vote the old fashioned way: by embracing patriarchy and salsa-slathered butt-holes.”

Lest Ohio voters feel unattended, Clinton explained her impending Marathon Munch Tour.

“After I’ve licked my way across the panhandle, I’m coming for you Ohio,” Clinton boomed. “And if you want it in the back of a ’74 Dodge Dart with Bob Seger cranked on the eight track, then goddamn it, that’s how I’ll do it. Just remember, America, as I’m face deep in your turd-cutter, that this election is more than fancy speeches—it’s about getting the job done. Well, that and ass-gasms.”

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