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5/05/2008

Clinton Offers Gas Tax Holiday, Rim Jobs to US Motorists

Clinton: Puckered and tested

(Terre Haute, IN) Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told an Indiana audience that she has a plan to help beleaguered American motorists with the sharp rise in gas prices.

"I am meeting people across Indiana and North Carolina who drive for a living, who commute long distances, who would save money if the oil companies paid this $8 billion gas tax this summer, instead of it coming out of the pockets of consumers," she noted of the 18.4-cent per-gallon federal gas tax. "Also, I intend to give each and every motorist the juiciest rim job they ever got, my tongue buried so deep I'm tasting the first piece of tomorrow morning's turd."

Clinton said that the "two-pronged approach" is necessary to combat corporate gouging.

"There's no doubt that these record profits of the oil companies are a result of a number of factors beyond supply and demand," she said. "I figure a gas tax cut, plus a good old-fashioned ass-tonguing, will help consumers relax a little. I know that nothing gets me into that state of perfect calm better than a 10-minute oral sphincter massage."

Clinton also took aim at her competitors for the White House.

"Senator Obama doesn't want us to take down the gas tax this summer and Senator McCain wants us to, but he doesn't want to pay for it," she said. "But neither of my opponents has offered to shove their tongues up the bung holes of the nation's taxpayers. Let me say this: Hillary Clinton is not too proud to get on her knees and give you anal pleasure, America."

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