National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) Representatives from the nation's undergarment manufacturers met with environmental groups today to address a looming catastrophe: the phenomenon known as acid stain.

Simply put, "acid stain" results from the transformation of sulphur dioxide (SO2) and nitrogen oxides into dry or moist secondary pollutants such as sulphuric acid (H2SO4), ammonium nitrate (NH4NO3) and nitric acid (HNO3) through particularly noxious rectal discharge, resulting in acidic compounds that eat through all current clothing materials used in underwear.

"Acid rain is a problem in undergarments because all of the known undergarment materials lack natural alkalinity," said Lance Boyle, a spokesman for the industry consortium GASS (Getting Acid Stain Synthetics). "Cotton and nylon are hardest hit because their weak fibers cannot fight the damaging consequences of acid stain, with the result that millions of Americans are walking around with the holey underwear their mothers warned them about."

Sulphur dioxide is generally a byproduct of industrial processes and burning of fossil fuels, but consumer diets rich in fast foods and low-quality beer are believed to be a hidden menace to SO2 levels. In 2006, U.S. SO2 emissions from human flatulence were measured at 14.8 million tons.

"We are literally burning holes in our own underwear," said Mitch Ripping, a spokesman for Greenpeace USA. "The main threat of an acid stain disaster springs from our heavy dependence on Taco Bell as a late night destination. Unfortunately, Americans are not willing to make the lifestyle changes necessary to reign in this looming catastrophe."

Ripping added that the effects of acid stain are not merely limited to the individual creator of the acidic ass trumpets.

"Second-hand acid stain is just as destructive as first-generation caustic gasses," he noted. "You can be minding your own business, eating healthy, and totally oblivious to the fact that the selfish twit next to you on the bus is generating lethal crop dusters capable of scorching right through your new Joe Boxers. Sad, really."

Labels: acid stain, underwear

Guest editorial by Paul Flaherty, your neighbor

As a full-time neighborhood voyeur, I see almost everything that goes on in this part of town. People coming, people going, and people doing all the other things I like to watch.

I gotta tell you though, dude - the skid marks on your underwear are grossing me out, and you really need to do something about them.

Now, I understand that we all have accidents, like when you think you're going to rip a nice, juicy fart and get surprised with a watery rectal blast. It happens to the best of us.

But I think every pair of underwear you own has a brown stripe down the back, and this is a real problem for me, so let's work together on this.

Do you even use toilet paper, dude?

The other day I was watching your wife put on her nylons, slowly rolling them up her leg. Just as I was starting to stroke myself, in you walked with a pair of rancid-looking skivvies that was more brown than white. I swear I could smell them from my perch in the tree behind your garage.

Instant flaccidity, you know what I mean?

And - I'm not trying to threaten you or anything - but if this relationship is going to work, something's gotta give. It's up to you to take the first step, because there's plenty of other houses I could be watching.

Labels: skidmarks, underwear, whitey-tighties

Guest editorial by Paul Flaherty, your neighbor

As a full-time neighborhood voyeur, I see almost everything that goes on in this part of town.

I gotta tell you though, dude - the skid marks on your underwear are grossing me out, and you need to do something about them.

Now, I understand that we all have accidents, like when you think you're going to rip a nice, juicy fart and get surprised with a watery rectal blast. It happens to the best of us.

But I think every pair of underwear you own has a brown stripe down the back.


Do you even use toilet paper, dude?

The other day I was watching your wife put on her nylons, slowly rolling them up her leg. Just as I was starting to stroke myself, in you walked with a pair of rancid-looking skivvies that was more brown than white. I swear I could smell them from my perch in the tree behind your garage.

Instant flaccidity, you know what I mean?

And - I'm not trying to threaten you or anything - but if this relationship is going to work, something's gotta give. It's up to you to take the first step, because there's plenty of other houses I could be watching.

Labels: editorial, underwear