National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—In a stirring show of feigned indignation and graphic masochism, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay repeatedly smashed his penis in a sliding glass door to assert his “unequivocal innocence to the American people” after he was indicted earlier this week with a felony conspiracy charge for an alleged finance scheme.

DeLay—who has been a leading House Republican for over a decade—has a reputation for outspokenness, and it shocked few on Capitol Hill that the Majority Leader would vehemently defend himself from what he saw as “uncharacteristically partisan Democrats distorting the judicial process.”

However, few Washington insiders had any idea that DeLay would be willing to sacrifice his own body as a means to symbolically assert his innocence.

“D.A. Ronnie Earle’s indictment is baseless, unsupportable, and myopic,” DeLay groaned, as he rhythmically bashed the upper shaft of his penis in a sliding door jamb at his Texas ranch, and leading members of the press stared in horror. “You see this bruised mass of man-meat? Do you? Let my message to be clear: whatever these liberal ideologues dish out, I can take. And that’s a promise.” DeLay paused briefly before adding, “shit, I’ll have this puppy bleeding by lunchtime.”

(New Orleans. LA) Stephen Jarviss last remembers a drink he took on August 28. The rest, he says, is just a blur.

"I'm walking around my city, and I just know it's my fault," he said, tearfully surveying the wreckage. "I've done some crazy shit before when I've been on a bender, but destroy a whole fucking town? My God, I'm in a world of trouble now."

Jarviss, an admitted "alcoholic, coke-aholic, and everything-aholic," said that New Orleans has all the hallmarks of "a world-class Jarviss blackout."

"The last time I lost it I beat up my girlfriend and torched my trailer," he said. "What the hell have I done this time?"

Federal, state, and local officials were more than happy in allowing Jarviss to shoulder the blame.

"Phew! Looked like all the heat was going to land on me," said Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco. "With Jarviss here, we're all in the clear."

Left: Cyber-VP Dick Cheney

(Washington, DC) Vice President Dick Cheney worked from his home today after recuperating from surgery to repair aneurysms on the back of both plastic knees.

Steve Schmidt, spokesman for the vice president-borg, said Cheney was doing well after the procedure.

"Yes, the vice president-borg is doing fine," he said, making some software adjustment's on Cheney's instrument panel. "While he was in we changed the gear oil on his hips and rewired his neuro-cranial package."

Cheney, 64, has a history of health problems, surviving four heart attacks, a quadruple bypass surgery, a bionic arm implant, two angioplasties, an artificial lung surgery, implant of a mechanical pancreas, replacement of his entire digestive tract with a polyeurothane "plasto-gut," and an operation to implant a computerizedpacemaker in his chest.

Schmidt chcuckled in recounting Cheney's first words after waking up.

"He said 'Danger, Will Robinson,' and 'It does not compute,'" he said, referening the Robot fromt he 1960s show Lost in Space. "That VP-borg, what a kidder! That was a truly human moment when we realized that there is still more than a spark of the old Dick left."

Left: Rowling grows tired of series

(London) Get ready Harry Potter fans - JK Rowling unexpectedly announced the release of a new addition to the Hogwarts series.

Harry Potter: Prison Bitch is expected to simultaneously turn off old fans and tap into new markets, said Rowling.

"The little bugger has been asking for it," the author said. "I am so fucking sick of this character that I will do anything to get free."

Rowling, while refusing to disclose the reasons for Potter's incarceration, admitted that some fans will be "shocked beyond recovery."

"Yeah, the young readers are in for some nasty business, but Harry is such an insufferable little bastard that I had to do it," she said. "Now I just have to figure out how to keep him in the gaol, because you just know he's going to cast a spell or something and get his lily-white arse out."

The author said that she had no regrets about the new direction for the series.

"I should have done this years ago," she said.

(Los Angeles, CA) Rapper-turned-actor Lil' Bow Wow, previously typecast as a rapper, gangsta, and basketball-playing urban youth, finally breaks free in his new film, Roll Bounce.

Set in the summer of 1978, the film is about an urban roller skater who perfects his moves to a disco beat.

"Yeah, there's a lot more to music than just rap," said Bow Wow, whose real name is Shad Moss. "I am expanding into a whole 'nother mother here."

In the film, Bow Wow plays the main character - X - who faces a difficult challenge when the neighborhood roller rink closes down. He and his friends must go crosstown to the northside Sweetwater rink.

"I didn't want to keep doing basketball movies," said Bow Wow. "It's good that I can branch out into another cool urban phenomenon like roller skating."

Bow Wow said that in his next film he might play an urban cyclist whose def moves are accompanied by a hip-hop beat.

(Galveston, TX) Hurricne Rita, roaring along at a Category 5 pace in the middle of the Caribbean, had fueled speculative spkies in oil and natural gas futures.

Local station operators across the nation are also raising prices.

"I start raising prices every time the lot fills up," said Fred Karoll, owner of a Galveston Stop-n-Rob. "They may bitch a little, but people are too lazy to get in another line."

Larry Pontell, a Toledo station owner, justifies his $.20 hike on his normally-thin profit margins on gas.

"Look we only make a couple pennies a gallon," he said, adding that his currrent $2.99 was $.40 over the wholesale price he paid on Wednesday. "Why can't gas stations have Christmas once in a while?"

Hurricane forecasters expect that Rita's landfall will likely send gas prices shyrocketting. That's good news to Jeroen van der Veer, CEO of Royal Dutch Shell plc.

"Jesus Christ, we made billions off of Katrina, and now God sends us a second hell-storm in 4 weeks?" he asked. "We'll be able to buy up half the Fortune 500 by the time this hurricane season is over!"

(Kabul, Afghanistan) Osama bin Laden, hunted by US operatives for years in relation to the 9/11 attacks, announced this week that he is recording an album of Christmas favorites.

"Yeah, I'm a Muslim, and many in the West hate me, but nothing raises cash faster than putting out a Christmas disc," he said. "Besides, it's been four years, and most Americans have turned their attention back to stupid shit like Britney Spears and her baby."

Bin Laden said that he sticks to the standards, like "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," but that he occasionally modifies them.

"There's this one part in 'O Come Emmanuel" where I bust out with 'and kill all the American infidels,'" he said. "But other than a few wacky things like that, it's your standard holiday fare."

A spokesperson for WalMart, the nation's largest music retailer, said the chain will carry the record.

"He's a terrorist bastard and all that, but there is no profanity on the record," said WalMart's Megan Tenderwhite. "The bottom line is that this sucker will sell a million copies in the first week to people playing it backwards to see if Osama sneaks in a few messages to his followers."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit rogue editor

Left: the Supreme Court, in more sensible days

(Washington, D.C.)—The Supreme Court of the United States, a judicial body that is internationally regarded as a resonant symbol of American democracy and constitutional impartiality, broke their midnight curfew for the third night this week.

Eyewitnesses report the Justices were “uncharacteristically chummy” and all had breath that reeked of “a foul mixture of Busch Light, chronic, and sugarless gum.”

Justices Thomas and Scalia appeared particularly intoxicated, slurring their speech and leaning on one another like sloshed frat-boys as they tried to quietly enter the back door of the Capitol.

An Associated Press report states the pair was spotted at the Lincoln Memorial only hours earlier, playing air guitar and singing Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” as baffled onlookers stared with palpable confusion.

“This was bound to happen,” says Judy Marco, a D.C.-area psychologist with the nonprofit group American Parents for Responsible Teens. “I mean, Rehnquist dies, O’Connor retires, and now this young guy Roberts is joining the fray. He’s clearly a bad influence. These justices are so impressionable at their age, who knows when this reckless orgy of drugs and vandalism will stop.”

While some in Washington are advocating that Congress revoke the Court’s car and cell phone privileges, skeptics argue it will have little impact on the Justices’ behavior.

“These brats will continue to defy authority until the hammer comes down,” remarked Jonathan Young, a congressional whip for Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski. “Until they are punished like the punks they are, they’ll continue to roam the D.C. streets at night, stoned and violent like a bunch of roadies for Metallica.”

Left: Royal Dutch Shell's Jeroen van der Veer

(The Hague) Jeroen van der Veer, CEO of Royal Dutch Shell plc, said that he was "blown away" by the oil company's preliminary quarterly earnings statement.

"I looked at the bottom line and thought: 'holy mother of God!'" he smiled. "I rubbed my eyes and there it was - $100 billion fucking US dollars profit on $200 billion in quarterly sales."

The company's success, said van der Veer, owed nothing to the efforts of its employees.

"Hurricane Katrina was the best thing that ever happened to this company," he said, pausing to wipe drool from his face. "We were inching along at about a $10 billion pace when all hell broke loose. Jesus Christ, I still can't believe this!"

Van der Veer said that the company is still formulating plans for the profit windfall.

"Yeah, there's going to be some massive bonuses to the executive committee," he said, pausing to empty a bottle of Dom Perignon over his secretary's head. "We also have to plan for the retirement of all those execs who are going to be cashing out billion-dollar stock options packages. But - holy shit, I gotta sit down - can you fucking believe this? $100 billion in profits?"

(London) Friends of Kate Moss, who admitted this week that she has an addicition to cocaine, expressed shock and dismay at the revelations.

"My God, she has always taken such good care of herself," said Sheila Watterman, a longtime friend. "There is not an ounce of fat on that girl."

Another friend, Michael Hallbeck, said that Moss was rarely sick.

"She always seemed to be in good health," he said. "The most I ever saw was that little allergic sniffle she had."

Hallbeck said that the perky supermodel seemed to have boundless energy.

"She could go 48 straight hours on a shoot, only taking a few minutes here and there to powder her nose," he said. "I can't understand why someone with that much energy would get involved with drugs."

(Beverly Hills, CA) Actor Christian Slater misplaced his T-Mobile Sidekick last week, and hackers thought they struck more celebrity phone number gold.

Unfortunately, the under-employed star's phone lists contained very little useful information, said hacker Phineas P. Phreak.

"Yo, this motherf**ker doesn't know anybody," he said. "Nothing but a bunch of crack dealers, hookers, and pizza delivery numbers."

Phreak said that he was momentarily excited when he the Sidekick came into his possession.

"I thought this would be just like Paris Hilton all over again, but Slater ain't got shit," he said. "It's like this dumbass hasn't called anyone famous in years."

One number that looked promising turned out to be a dead end.

"I saw this entry that said 'Samuel J,' but the motherf**ker must have been high or something,," said Phreak. "Wasn't Samuel Jackson, but some stoner 'round Mulholland way."