By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor
Giuliani: Less substance than a lobotomized Jersey blonde on Quaaludes
(Washington, D.C.)—Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York and Republican presidential hopeful, made a surprising admission earlier this morning during a Houston, Texas visit on his campaign trail: he has “no idea what the fuck” he stands for, and is continually amazed at his soaring popularity.
“I would love to clarify my stance on abortion, as soon as I figure out what the fuck it is,” Giuliani remarked to a roomful of reporters and press agents. “Honestly, I’m still riding high on that whole 9/11 thing. You guys remember that? 9/11? When I saved the universe from space mutants? That shit was awesome.”
He also asserted that his platform on equally important issues is convoluted and shaky at best.
“Gays? Hate ‘em, but they deserve equal rights... unless it’s Opposite Day,” Giuliani chuckled. “But seriously, gun control, immigrants, Medicare—all that other stuff is beyond me. Hell, just last week I stood in the frozen food section of the grocery store staring at frozen pizzas like a drunk injun for half an hour. Four cheese, pepperoni, supreme... I had to buy two of each just to get the fuck out of there.”
Giuliani concluded by noting that he is continually impressed by the leadership of the Democratic opposition.
“I have to admit, folks,” the former mayor inquisitively intoned, “Hillary and Barack are both a lot better at this than me. Why, when we were all in the Holiday Inn hot tub last week, smoking a righteous bowl of ganja, I turned to Obama and said: ‘Dude, you look just like Jimi Hendrix. I’d vote for your ass in a minute.’ Then we all went to my room and watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force on TiVo. That shit is hilarious.”