National Nitwit

A Guest Editorial
by a Yellowjacket

Honestly? Being a yellowjacket is better than being President of the United-fucking-States, that's what I think. You see, yellowjackets aren't like anybody else. We do whatever we want.

We buzz around a trash can, and nobody calls the cops. We fly into your kid's Pepsi, and what are you gonna do? It's OURS now, you little wise-ass. Go find another Pepsi.

Being a yellowjacket means people look at me differently, and they knew I'm with somebody. SomeBODIES, that is, and we will make your life miserable just for the hell of it. I don't have to wait in line at the bakery on Sunday morning for fresh bread - I fly right the fuck in and grab a bite.

What are YOU gonna do about it? BUZZ!

If we want something, we just take it. If anyone complains, they get stung so bad they never complain again. It's all just routine - you don't even think about it.

Little kid in the park sees me, tells his Mom that I'm "funny." What do you mean I'm "funny", I says? BUZZ! BUZZ!!

I buzz and sting the little fucker on the forehead. Does that look "funny" to you, you little prick? You mean, let me understand this cause, you know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm exactly "funny" how? I mean "funny" like I'm a clown, I fucking amuse you? Like I make you laugh, like I'm here to fucking amuse you? Just what do you mean funny, funny how? Exactly how am I funny?

Three more stings just for good measure. STING! STING! STING!

And when it's nest-building time, we gotta do some heavy work. So what? Who the fuck cares? I'll dig the fucking hole. I don't give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I ever dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I'll fucking dig a hole. Where are the shovels? BUZZ! BUZZ!

I'm a yellowjacket, and you'd be well advised to go fuck yourself, for all I care.

Labels: yellowjackets

A National Nitwit Fantasy Football Editorial
By Jimmy Kurtz

Burleson: Went and Injured Himself Like a Dumbass

As a long-time fantasy football player, I have a lot of tricks up my sleeve. Stay away from flashy thugs, know what young quarterback is on the verge of a breakout season, and never pick a kicker until the final rounds.

This year was going to be a good one, too, as I was able to snag Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Nate Burleson as my top wide out, what with those great hands of his and his insatiable appetite for touchdowns. Well, it seems ol’ Nate decided to go and tear the ACL in his left knee, ending his entire season before it even began.

So go fuck yourself, Nate Burleson, and the horse you rode in on.

Don’t you know that thousands of fantasy players are depending on you? What kind of shitty off-season regimen did you undertake? Did you waste the whole summer eating Fritos and getting blown by Seattle whores all decked out in flannel and stoned on coke?

Hating Burleson Is a Family Affair for Kurtz

Thanks a lot for nothing, shitbag. I hope you get fucked by a giant cock made of razor wire. I pray you get fucked by a gorilla stinking of wild berries and jungle moss. I implore the heavens to send a horde of horny angels from some angel jail to fuck your dumb non-football playing ass with dick-shaped harps that play Bach while you sob and thrash.

And after all that’s over, let me know what free agent I should sign, will ya? ‘Cause my fantasy team is looking pretty rough.

Labels: fantasy football, Nate Burleson

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Palin: Hiding Some Double Ds Under Those Pant Suits?

(Washington, D.C.)—Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin announced earlier this morning that she plans to shoot a no-holds-barred spread for Penthouse magazine as a means to “truly reveal” herself to American voters.

Palin, who has faced great skepticism from Republicans and Democrats alike for her lack of political experience, asserted that this risqué decision would assuage any doubts about her capacity as a leader.

“This past week on the campaign trail has been a grueling one, my fellow Americans,” Palin boomed during a packed news conference. “I have faced many intimate questions about my family, my womanhood, and my experiences as the governor of Alaska, one of the least populated states in this great nation of ours. That is why I have decided to literally unzip for this election, and show America who I really am—tits, vajayjay, and all.”

This provocative announcement was met with ecstatic praise, particularly among Palin’s hardcore conservative base.

“After eight years of Dick Cheney, this woman is like the Virgin Mary, but a sluttier, Tina Fey version of the Virgin Mary,” explained a jubilant Evan Howe, a chief strategist for the McCain campaign. “When voters see her toned abs, tastefully trimmed hoo-hah, and scrumptious breasts bursting from a maid uniform in the pages of Penthouse magazine, they’ll arrive at the only logical conclusion: Barack Obama is a terrorist and a clear threat to our national security.”

Labels: Penthouse, Sarah Palin

By Subcomandante Bob

Bob has been busy of late, and has not gotten around to answering emails, updating the site, or even caring about much of anything. He'd like to be able to say it's because he's been busy with a revolution - or even chasing a really hot school nurse - but he's pretty much been lying on the beach and drinking himself into a daily stupor.

Thus, he may or may not get the groove and start writing today. It might also take him another two weeks of being a soused schlomo to finish this binge. We just don't know.

And Billy Pilgrim? Meh. He has his own substance abuse issues, plus the band said it wanted him back, and then there's his unfinished novel and the lawyers he's avoiding.... you get the picture.

But rest assured: at some point in the future Bob will be back. Oh yes, he will be back. And when he does, along with Rogue Editor Billy Pilgrim, the Internet will become an even filthier place.