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McCain to Nation: “I Hate My Own Party”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Lagging Senator: Genius or Schizophrenic?

(Washington, D.C.)—With polls across American showing Republican presidential nominee John McCain slipping drastically behind his opponent Barack Obama—in large part to the steady decline of the U.S. economy—the veteran senator unveiled a risky speech earlier this morning in a last-ditch effort to woo independent voters: he vented his loathing for his own Republican Party.

“My friends, you’ve called me a maverick for years, and with three weeks left in this election, let me don that mantle once again,” McCain intoned at a rally in central Michigan. “Not only do I disagree with the policies of the Bush Administration, and the hardcore cronyism of Washington, but I now vow, before the American people I so deeply love, that I disown the very Republican Party I represent. As the next Republican president of the United States, I promise to fix the economic wreckage of these Republicans.”

While many undecided voters met this announcement with mixed reactions, it is clear McCain’s once-narrow deficit has grown into a chasm, particularly in battleground states such as Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Colorado. This move is seen by many as a final attempt to convince independents that McCain is capable of generating the sweeping reforms so desperately needed in the Oval Office.

“My friends, only by putting a Republican in the White House can we undo the damage done by Republicans,” McCain boomed. “After all, who is best suited to cleanse us of the broken politics of the past than a man who was a principal backer of the broken politics of the past? You people realize Obama is black, right?”

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