National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Lagging Senator: Genius or Schizophrenic?

(Washington, D.C.)—With polls across American showing Republican presidential nominee John McCain slipping drastically behind his opponent Barack Obama—in large part to the steady decline of the U.S. economy—the veteran senator unveiled a risky speech earlier this morning in a last-ditch effort to woo independent voters: he vented his loathing for his own Republican Party.

“My friends, you’ve called me a maverick for years, and with three weeks left in this election, let me don that mantle once again,” McCain intoned at a rally in central Michigan. “Not only do I disagree with the policies of the Bush Administration, and the hardcore cronyism of Washington, but I now vow, before the American people I so deeply love, that I disown the very Republican Party I represent. As the next Republican president of the United States, I promise to fix the economic wreckage of these Republicans.”

While many undecided voters met this announcement with mixed reactions, it is clear McCain’s once-narrow deficit has grown into a chasm, particularly in battleground states such as Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Colorado. This move is seen by many as a final attempt to convince independents that McCain is capable of generating the sweeping reforms so desperately needed in the Oval Office.

“My friends, only by putting a Republican in the White House can we undo the damage done by Republicans,” McCain boomed. “After all, who is best suited to cleanse us of the broken politics of the past than a man who was a principal backer of the broken politics of the past? You people realize Obama is black, right?”

Labels: 2008 elections, Barack Obama, John McCain

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Dembrowsky Ford: Queerer Than a Theater Major at Berkeley

(Wichita, KS)—A 1962 Ford pickup owned by Rick Dembrowsky of Wichita, Kansas, recently came out of the closet and expressed its frustration over his owner’s newly added ‘John McCain for President’ bumper sticker.

“Do you know how many engines I’ve gone through? Three. And exhaust manifolds? Seven. But in four long decades, I’ve never had a single sticker on my rear window or bumper,” the truck opined. “Nights I sat curbside beneath the stars, wishing I had a rainbow pride emblem, or maybe just one of those little glittery ovals that said ‘princess.’ And now that fucker Rick puts—
of all things—a McCain sticker on my ass? I’ve got half a mind to stall out while he’s merging on the interstate and let a semi smash us both into smithereens.”

The truck explained its vehement opposition to this seemingly minute gesture of political endorsement.

“Lord, where do I begin with all that’s wrong about McCain,” the Ford huffed. “From his hundred-year stance on the Iraq war to his half-hearted healthcare reforms, he’s far too conservative for an old queen like me. Unless, of course, he had one of them young Dodge Dakotas. I’m sure a night in the garage with one of those hunks could convince me just about anything. Mercy, I’m a randy one!”

Labels: John McCain, pickup trucks

Guest Editorial by George Norwood,
Michigan voter

I think it is highly un-democratic and an insult to the voters of Michigan that our Democratic primary did not count, and that the Party will not seat our delegates. After all, no state has been hit harder by job cuts than Michigan, and the blue collar voters of this state have been loyal Democrats for many decades.

Thus, it is only fair that we Michigan voters exercise our right to choose which candidate will fuck us up the ass.

Listen - for the past fifty years we've been taking the snake up the poop chute from Washington politicians. LBJ? Hammered us hard. Nixon? Plowed us like blond-headed prison arrivals. Reagan? Slapped us around and drilled us with his withered horse cock.

Some Michigan voters might want Barack Obama as President, because he would probably be gentle and put on some romantic music first, maybe whispering in our ears just before slipping his shaft up our asses. The problem with Obama is that he is young, and would likely want to fuck us up the ass 3-4 times week.

Others might want Hillary Clinton, who would be fucking Michigan voters up the ass with a blood-red strap-on dildo. Clinton would ride Michigan pretty rough, but she would probably fuck us up the ass really hard every other weekend, and she might give Michigan the occasional reacharound.

I think Michigan Republicans had better choices, since John McCain is too old to be fucking Michigan up the ass, and even with Viagra, he would be only be pointing his limp dick our way once a month. But I am glad that Mitt Romney is out, since those sexually repressed Mormons would be likely to be dragging Michigan out behind the garage and fucking us up the ass, like, every hour or so.

So, in the final analysis, as the state that has to get presidentially poked on a regular basis, I believe Michigan residents should have some choice as to which candidate gets to fuck us up the ass.

And maybe this time they could leave twenty bucks on the nightstand. It's not like we are whores, but if we could buy ourselves a little something, we might feel better about getting fucked up the ass so much.

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Michigan