National Nitwit

4/18/2007

Will Ferrell to Star in Cho Seung-Hui Bio-Pic

Will Ferrell lightening up infamous scene from Cho Seung-Hui manifesto

(Blacksburg, VA) Actor Will Ferrell announced today that he will play mass murderer Cho Seung-Hui in a film set for release next June.

Entitled Ismailman: The Legend of Cho Seung-Hui, the film will highlight a side of Cho missed by the public in the days after the horrors of the Virginia Tech massacre, said Ferrell.

"It's a bit of a change from my normal roles, but I hope to capture the comedy that lurked within Cho Seung-Hui," he said during a break on the movie set. "I mean, have you read that Richard McBeef shit? The guy was a comedy genius."

Ferrell will be joined in the film by longtime character actor Danny Aiello, who will play Virginia Tech President Charles W. Steger.

"Danny's got to replace the Brooklyn tough-guy for a Shenandoah Valley academic, but he's perfect for the part," enthused Ferrell. "And we're adding some totally crazy scenes where President Steger and Cho Seung-Hui play a bunch of practical jokes on each other, like where Cho superglues these quarters to the floor of Norris Hall and Steger fights like hell to pick them up. Too funny! Oh, then Cho Seung-Hui blasts 32 innocent students to death. THAT part isn't very funny, but it's like one of those cathartic-comedy release moments. Then we get back to the funny parts."

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, Ismail Ax, Richard McBeef, Virginia Tech, Will Ferrell

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 6:44 PM 11 comments

4/17/2007

Students Torn Between Perpetual Tortures for Killer Cho Seung-Hui

(Blacksburg, VA) Students at Virginia Tech, grief-stricken after the murderous rampage by Cho Seung-Hui that left 33 people dead, cannot reach a consensus on an appropriate eternal punishment for the killer.

"I am a fan of sadistic demons perpetually stabbing his eyes with really sharp metal spikes, causing the blood to blur his vision, but not so much that he can't see the next spike coming," said Victoria Killian, a sophomore education major. "That, or forever beating him with a wooden board with rusty nails that rip his flesh each time they strike."

Senior mechanical engineering student Kevin Jacobs, who knew one of the victims, advised a different approach.

"I think that a red-hot aluminum baseball bat should be rectally inserted into the abdomen of Cho Seung-Hui," he said. "Then every time it cools down, he gets reamed with another red-hot bat. Do you think that's too much?"

Even local clergy weighed in on the type of fitting punishment for Cho Seung-Hui.

"After he reaches Hell, I want Satan himself to rip off Cho Seung-Hui's genitals and stuff them in his mouth," said Reverend Harold Grieger, a Methodist minister counseling Tech students. "Then I want Cho Seung-Hui to eat his own junk, have a new set of man-parts grow back, and repeat the castration process for all eternity, world without end, Amen."

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, massacre, Virginia Tech

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 10:59 AM 4 comments

4/16/2007

Humor Writer: Nothing Funny at Virginia Tech

Left: Subcomandante Bob, feeling depressed about the humor business

(Blacksburg, VA) The editor of a satirical e-zine in decried the "absolute dearth" of anything worth parodying today, after a gunman killed 32 people before turning his 9mm semiautomatic on himself.

"This totally sucks," said Subcomandante Bob, kicking a tin can on the commons of Virginia Tech. "It might be days before someone does something stupid and hilarious enough to get people laughing again."

The editor likened this current drought to the humorless weeks after the 9/11 attacks.

"Nobody cracked a joke for like, three weeks," he said. "Even the hardcore leftists wanted to bomb the ever-living shit out of something."

Bob said that he had no predictions on how long the mourning period will last.

"This could go on for some time," he said. "I may have to get a job bussing tables or something until the humor business picks up again."

Labels: Blacksburg, massacre, Virginia Tech

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 7:03 PM 1 comments

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