National Nitwit

4/27/2007

The Feng Shui of Cho Seung-Hui

Guest editorial by Yorohichi O'Reilly, feng shui master

Don’t think of Feng Shui only applying to Oriental gardens. The principles are universal and apply whether you have an English shrub garden, a peaceful Italian renaissance-style garden, or a stifling university classroom.

As we dance into Spring, it is time to clear out the old energies of the past to create a fresh space for the sprouting new seeds of our intentions. The start of Spring presents an opportunity to turn our attention to the new growth, new potentials, and rich punks who must die, and clear out the energetic remnants lingering from the past.

Cho Seung-Hui knew feng shui, and he was making a clean start in Spring.

In traditional Feng shui, we know that each of the eight directions is associated with parts of the body, a family member, or a classmate who must die. In a given element there is more symbolism than we can explore in a lifetime of sorrows.

Just as there was bad chi flowing around Cho Seung-Hui's environment, there was good chi flowing around his body, his “Life-Force”. It is important to balance the energy flow around you, because the flow of bad chi in your environment also affects the flow of good chi in your body.

Cho Seung Hui was a man on the verge of a breakthrough. If only he knew that a piece of furniture was blocking the flow of positive chi, he could changed the angles or moved it out of the way.

Don't be like Cho Seung-Hui. Master your feng shui. Now, a Cho Seung-Hui feng shui haiku for you:

Chi Seung-Hui, bad chi
Used guns for balancing life
Should have moved bunk beds.

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, Feng Shui

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 7:59 PM 0 comments

4/18/2007

Will Ferrell to Star in Cho Seung-Hui Bio-Pic

Will Ferrell lightening up infamous scene from Cho Seung-Hui manifesto

(Blacksburg, VA) Actor Will Ferrell announced today that he will play mass murderer Cho Seung-Hui in a film set for release next June.

Entitled Ismailman: The Legend of Cho Seung-Hui, the film will highlight a side of Cho missed by the public in the days after the horrors of the Virginia Tech massacre, said Ferrell.

"It's a bit of a change from my normal roles, but I hope to capture the comedy that lurked within Cho Seung-Hui," he said during a break on the movie set. "I mean, have you read that Richard McBeef shit? The guy was a comedy genius."

Ferrell will be joined in the film by longtime character actor Danny Aiello, who will play Virginia Tech President Charles W. Steger.

"Danny's got to replace the Brooklyn tough-guy for a Shenandoah Valley academic, but he's perfect for the part," enthused Ferrell. "And we're adding some totally crazy scenes where President Steger and Cho Seung-Hui play a bunch of practical jokes on each other, like where Cho superglues these quarters to the floor of Norris Hall and Steger fights like hell to pick them up. Too funny! Oh, then Cho Seung-Hui blasts 32 innocent students to death. THAT part isn't very funny, but it's like one of those cathartic-comedy release moments. Then we get back to the funny parts."

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, Ismail Ax, Richard McBeef, Virginia Tech, Will Ferrell

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 6:44 PM 11 comments

4/17/2007

Students Torn Between Perpetual Tortures for Killer Cho Seung-Hui

(Blacksburg, VA) Students at Virginia Tech, grief-stricken after the murderous rampage by Cho Seung-Hui that left 33 people dead, cannot reach a consensus on an appropriate eternal punishment for the killer.

"I am a fan of sadistic demons perpetually stabbing his eyes with really sharp metal spikes, causing the blood to blur his vision, but not so much that he can't see the next spike coming," said Victoria Killian, a sophomore education major. "That, or forever beating him with a wooden board with rusty nails that rip his flesh each time they strike."

Senior mechanical engineering student Kevin Jacobs, who knew one of the victims, advised a different approach.

"I think that a red-hot aluminum baseball bat should be rectally inserted into the abdomen of Cho Seung-Hui," he said. "Then every time it cools down, he gets reamed with another red-hot bat. Do you think that's too much?"

Even local clergy weighed in on the type of fitting punishment for Cho Seung-Hui.

"After he reaches Hell, I want Satan himself to rip off Cho Seung-Hui's genitals and stuff them in his mouth," said Reverend Harold Grieger, a Methodist minister counseling Tech students. "Then I want Cho Seung-Hui to eat his own junk, have a new set of man-parts grow back, and repeat the castration process for all eternity, world without end, Amen."

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, massacre, Virginia Tech

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 10:59 AM 4 comments

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