National Nitwit

(Moscow) Despite a tough life on the mean streets of this Russian capital, local rapper Sergei Vanka (aka 50 Kopeck) has not been able to get the attention of record producers.

"Is simple - record men think Sergei not real gangsta," complained Vanka to National Nitwit reporters. "Some day Vanka will be busting caps on asses of producers, for certain that is, my nigga."

Vanka decried what he described as a "big time love interest" of producers with American rappers, especially young black hip-hop artists.

"Just because Sergei have white skin, they treat him like skinny woman who give sexual congress without fee," he noted, kicking a rolling soccer ball back to nearby Russian children. "But I say this: Sergei Vanka be baddest rapper in your regular domicile, for certain that is!"

His setbacks, however, have not diminished Vanka's desire to "record famous rapping songs for consumers."

"Straight up in the air: Sergei Vanka will circumnavigate your planet, you neighborhood peoples!" he promised. "And then no one say any more that Sergei is old educational facility rapper, for certain that is!"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Wochawski, Seen Here with Teddy Bear “Mulder”

(Washington, D.C.)—Since the X-Files craze of the mid-1990s peaked and receded, science fiction dorks have enjoyed a bevy of newer, yet equally lame fads: Battlestar Galactica, a trilogy of disheartening Star Wars prequels, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

But Sam Wochawski has kept the faith, and as the self-proclaimed “last die-hard X-Files maniac” on earth, he feels this new film was made solely for his viewing pleasure.

“It’s been a tough few years, I can tell you that much,” Wochawski explained while touring his spare bedroom rife with quirky X-Files action figures and lunch boxes. “One time I got the shit kicked out of me in a local laundromat for wearing my “Scully’s Fire Crotch” t-shirt. I tried to explain it was the name of a punk band, but those ladies were fucking vicious—I lost two teeth. Plus, the comments on my MySpace page have gotten so vicious that I’ve considered going into therapy.”

All this has changed, however, since the second big-screen incarnation of the X-Files has given Wochawski’s dismal fandom renewed validity.

“Let’s see those middle school kids egg my Caprice now that every theater in America is rocking the ‘Files,” Wochawski boasted. Sure, I was a little disappointed that the only other attendee on opening night was a nun—and come to think of it, she looked kinda drunk—but I was there, boy, relishing every second of it as the last true keeper of the flame. That was a religious metaphor, by the way.”

Labels: X-Files

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Obama: Did He Give the State of the Union Address Already?

(Washington, D.C.)—As the nation prepares for the final months of its most divisive and energized presidential campaign in recent memory, it appears the whirlwind press coverage of Senator Barack Obama has had a peculiar but nonetheless explicable effect: most American teens already believe he is President of the United States.

“I’m so glad President Obama is changing all the bad stuff Bush did when he was president last year,” expressed Tina Gladwell, a tenth grader at Annapolis High School. “I mean, I know we’re still at war, and people like Mr. Baxter can’t find a job so they drink from brown bags at the bus stop telling us girls how cute we are, but we have a good president now. If he can just find himself a vice president, it’ll be rad.”

Political experts around the country have tried to diagnose this phenomenon, and have cited a plethora of possiblities for why so many youngsters have misunderstood this year’s election cycle.

“You can call it the myopia of youth, or a cult of personality, or perhaps even some latent Freudian desire for a paradigm shift,” explained Dr. Thomas Newton, a political science professor at George Mason University. “But it may come down to the simple facts: Bush’s approval rating is like, 9%, and if McCain lives past Thanksgiving we’ll all be shocked. So maybe the kids are right and Obama IS already president. Fuck. This is getting pretty spacey. Good thing I’m not on acid right now.”

Labels: 2008 elections, Barack Obama