National Nitwit

(McGrady, NC) Searchers with the help of a sharp-nosed dog named Gandalf today found a 12-year-old Boy Scout who had disappeared into the North Carolina wilderness over the weekend.

Michael Auberry wasn't crying out for help, and he appeared to be in good physical condition, despite over three days without his Wii and his favorite Legend of Zelda game.

"We have our missing Boy Scout - he is alive," ranger Tina White said. "It took him a minute to realize we were there for him. He was writhing on the ground, saying'...need... Wii... Zelda..' and stuff like that."

Joe Ware, Assistant Fire Chief in McGrady, said the boy told the rescue team that picked him up that he had survived Wii withdrawal by imagining the video games in his head.

"He was kind of delirious, being without Zelda, Link, and all those wacky Hyrule adventures for so long," said Ware of the young Auberry. "And you know - in the new Wii Zelda game Link's beast form behaves about the same as the human form, as far as combat goes, but you can't use all those items you find. Good thing Michael had his memories, or he might not have survived."

Left: Auberry spent over three days without Link's mystical Master Sword, needed to defeat Ganon

Michael's father Kent Auberry believes that the Zelda game may have saved his son's life.

"These games teach about heroism, fighting evil, and having the courage to stand up and do what is right," he said, wiping away a tear. "Now, Michael didn't have to exhibit any of these qualities in the woods, but if he ever needed to seal Vaati with the Four Sword, I have no doubt that he would have been totally prepared."

Labels: Michael Auberry, Wii, Zelda

Neary: Missing scout "a little slow"

(Wilkesboro, NC) Authorities continued to search for 12-year-old Boy Scout Michael Auberry, who has been missing since Saturday. Scoutmaster Fred Neary told reporters that he was "disappointed" in Auberry's inability to find his way out of the Blue Ridge Parkway National Park.

"Look - we drill this stuff week in and week out. My boys sleep with their compasses and their maps," he said, looking through a pair of binoculars for the missing Scout. "It just looks bad for the rest of the troop when one of them turns retarded like this."

Auberry, of Greensboro, NC, remained at the campsite with an adult while the other scouts went for a hike. Neary said there should be "no excuses" made for Auberry's poor judgment.

"How the hell does someone get lost at the camp?" he asked. "That's like drowning in a goddamn puddle, or choking on a piece of spaghetti. What's wrong with this kid, for Chrissakes?"

Auberry not earning merit badges this weekend, that's for sure

Neary added that, as far as he's concerned, the entire membership of Troop 230 has been "a bunch of whiny pantywaists."

"As soon as they found out Mr. Moron turned up missing, a few of them actually started crying," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "If I'd known I was going into the woods with a bunch of little girls, I'd have brought my freaking EasyBake oven. Look - life's tough out there, and sometimes Scouts never make it back home. Grow up and toughen up, men!"

Labels: Michael Auberry, Scoutmasters, Scouts