National Nitwit

Joakim is woman, hear her roar

(Atlanta) History will be made this evening, as Joakim Noah of the Florida Gators becomes the first female to play in an NCAA men's Final. She spoke with National Nitwit reporters before warmups this evening.

"We used to think that basketball is what men did in a kind of warrior tradition and it was played in arenas and cost a lot of money," she said, doing some leg stretches. "Then we understood that women could be basketball players, too, and we try to enter those arenas and to play the game and be recognized for it."

Noah said that she hopes her performance tonight will be an inspiration to women worldwide, and looked back on how far women have advanced in the past few decades.

"It was not so very long ago we were told that there is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm," she said, signing autographs for nearby children. "It's no wonder women are pissed, because we’ve been told we’re immature if we don’t have a kind of orgasm that just doesn’t exist. Hello? It's my vagina, and I know what an orgasm is."

An emotional moment for Joakim and her teammates

Noah added that she hopes her example will help change "old-fashioned and outdated thinking."

"All the qualities that have wrongly been called feminine are really only qualities necessary to raise children, like patience, nurturing, attention to detail, empathy, that sort of stuff," she said. "But men develop them, too — men have them just as much as women do. And you are going to see some grown men cry tonight, too, over on the Ohio State bench, when we kick their fucking asses."

Labels: Florida, Joakim Noah, Molesterol. Ohio State, NCAA

Left: Molesterol molecule

(Columbus, OH) Researchers at the Ohio State University today announced the discovery of a sterol they have named "molesterol," believed to play a crucial role in the formation of sexual feelings for children among adults susceptible to the chemical.

"Molesterol is present in higher concentrations in tissues which either produce more or have more densely-packed membranes, such as the testes and the penis," said Dr. Sticcam Harter, a university biochemist. "And we believe there is a connection between high molesterol levels and watching Hillary Duff and Taylor Swift music videos."

OSU chemists discussing optimal methods of pedophile treatment

Harter said that researchers hope to develop a chemical treatment for pedophiles.

"Two chemicals stand out as likely prospects," he said. "We lean toward arsenic and curare as chemical treatments that offer a pharmaceutical beatdown on these sick fucks. As far as curing them, nah; it's a hell of a lot more rewarding just killing the damned pedophiles."

Labels: Molesterol. Ohio State