National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Mighty Humpback: On the Stairway to Success

(Washington, D.C.)—As the media hysteria about Led Zeppelin’s December 10th one-off reunion concert is reaching epic proportions, Atlantic Records announced yet another marketing ploy earlier this morning.

A group of humpback whales have recorded a Zeppelin tribute album, which will hit stores just in time for the holiday season.

“All of our Zeppelin favorites are rerecorded on this wonderfully eclectic new disc,” beamed Jon Richards, a senior publicist for Atlantic. “From ‘Immigrant Song’ to ‘Whole Lotta Love,’ this CD has them all, arranged especially for the majestic moaning of the humpback in heat. My personal favorite is the touching rendition of ‘Going to California,’ which sounds breathtaking even without the mandolin.”

Some critics, however, have decried this move as nothing short of a shameless attempt to exploit the legacy of a rock music icon.

Led Zeppelin: The Scam Remains the Same

“Led Zeppelin has been defunct for nearly three decades, and it’s bad enough this reunion is going to be a complete disappointment,” remarked Stan Jacobs, a freelance reporter for Rolling Stone magazine. “But now there’s another ‘Best Of’ collection, all sorts of merchandizing crap to sell t-shirts at your local mall, and finally this goddamn album of whale farts. Anyone who can listen to a nine-minute humpback version of ‘Dazed and Confused’ deserves to have their balls cut off and eaten by a puma.”

Labels: Led Zeppelin, whales

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor

Newlywed Bliss: A Drug-Addled Sex-Crazed Lie

The results of a recent National Institute of Health study were released earlier this morning concerning the state of American marriages, and after surveying more than 10,000 couples, one truth has become undeniably clear.

The happiest couples are those that engage in habitual substance abuse and extramarital affairs.

“How ironic is it that our society champions communication and honesty, when really it is calculated deceit and manipulation that ensures longevity in the marital bond,” remarked Cynthia Pennett, a leading NIH spokesperson. “In fact, I’d be offended on a personal level if I didn’t believe the shit to be true myself—my husband has a coke habit and I’ve slept with three different co-workers in the back of my Accord, so yeah, this study is spot-on.”

Others in the medical field reiterated Pennett’s candid assessment of prolonged commitment.

“While most Americans believe they have a soul mate somewhere out there, very few actually marry that individual,” explained Dr. Dan Whittier, Professor of Psychology at Yale University. “Essentially, most of us end up marrying someone we like and respect, but that only gets you so far. For example, I truly love my wife Rebecca, but it takes two stiff bourbons every night just to get through her excruciating dinner banter. If I have to hear about Sasha—that gay mail guy at her office—and his whacky wardrobe one more fucking time, I’m going to hang myself in the shower.”

So as the first decade of the twenty-first century draws ever closer to its ultimate conclusion, it remains unclear what the future may hold for monogamous matrimony.

Foster: No Stranger to the Soothing Caress of a Lesbian Stranger

“My husband Joe ain’t a bad guy, but he smoke him some dope now and then,” remarked Keesha Foster, an administrative assistant in downtown Harlem. “But you know, sometimes when life really get me down, and things seem all bleak, I let that dike Melissa from the third floor finger me in the supply room, and that always make it easier to face the long drive home.”

Labels: marriage, substance abuse

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Musharraf: Kind of Like Saddam, Without the Oil

(Islamabad)—President Pervez Musharraf, whose recent instatement of martial law has led many to question the integrity of Pakistan’s wavering democracy, offered a stern message to Western governments earlier this morning.

“For those who would challenge my faith in Allah and attack my reputation as a leader of men, I offer the following statement,” Musharraf shouted into his podium’s bouquet of microphones. “Take a bottle of mustard, squirt it on the erect dong of a cheetah, and suck unless his sour feline cum fills your heathen mouth.”

Musharraf continued to denounce American and British criticism of his maverick coup, and sternly pushed his rhetoric of nationalistic pride.

“Pakistan is rising as a global power, that much is undeniable,” Musharraf passionately intoned. “And for those who doubt this great country, or my sovereign power as its president, you should take a stale bottle of pickle relish, slather it on the shaft of a ravenous jungle cat, and wait for his baby gravy to burst in your jowls.”

Musharraf ended with a rousing call for support from his party’s bedrock.

“Some may say I am a thug, a double-faced conniver who merely plays the political field to his daily advantage,” Musharraf boomed. “To those who would propagate such baseless accusations, I say and say again: baste a quart of Balochi potato salad on a cheetah’s throbbing member, and gag it down until your throat fills with the frothy shame of animal jizz.”

Labels: Musharraf, Pakistan

(Dallas, TX) A Dallas-area serial killer, whose preferred method of victim disposal involves vacant lots, told reporters today that municipalities in the Dallas-Fort Worth area have created "uneccessarily restrictve ordinances" that unfairly target small entrepreneurs.

Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, conveyed his dissatisfaction with such laws to a small media gathering today.

"Council members claim that pollution is causing an increasing number of children to suffer asthma attacks. This connection, however, cannot be supported by any data," he said, motioning across the empty lot. "Politicians who make these claims are engaging in scaremongering simply to promote a political agenda, bringing economic harm to businessmen like me."

Sheehan argued that his "disposal business" is an integral part of the local economy.

"I remove unproductive elements from society, like hookers and homeless dudes, and recycle organic material back into the earth," he maintained. "And who else keeps local poducers of trash bags and bleach as busy as a serial killer?"

Sheehan added that many local businesses fear that restrictive pollution laws will saddle them with unachievable goals and ultimately drive businesses away, with jobs and money flowing to states and countries that do not "fleece the producers."

"These petty laws hhurt our state's global competitiveness, drive out businesses and jobs, and put our whole economy at risk for little to no benefit," he noted. "And contrary to popular belief, most small business owners are not exactly making a killing in their work. Heh. Killing. Kind of funny, that."

Labels: Plano, pollution, serial killer

Guest editorial by Monte Milliken,
Marketing consultant

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It's called "Kettle Magic," and even a complete moron can scoop up fast cash. Here's how it started:

I was struggling, working three jobs, barely scraping by. Then one day we saw an old friend - let's call him "Bob" - at the mall. He was smiling, and ringing this shiny bell, and people were literally throwing money at Bob, who talked about some army that acted as the middleman for this business.

You know what they say about middlemen, right?

Since I got my own kettle and bell, I am wearing nice, new clothes. I am driving a shiny new, black Mercedes. And you could tell things were different for me: I look confident, and I look like money!

For $49.95 I will send you all you need to get started. You will get the opportunity to start your own Kettle Magic franchise: you can be your own boss, you keep all your profits, and you decide when and where to do business. All you have to do is place your order and I will have the startup kit sent to you, and you will be on your way to achieving your financial independence.

Labels: bellringers, business opportunities

(Washington, DC) Representatives from the nation's undergarment manufacturers met with environmental groups today to address a looming catastrophe: the phenomenon known as acid stain.

Simply put, "acid stain" results from the transformation of sulphur dioxide (SO2) and nitrogen oxides into dry or moist secondary pollutants such as sulphuric acid (H2SO4), ammonium nitrate (NH4NO3) and nitric acid (HNO3) through particularly noxious rectal discharge, resulting in acidic compounds that eat through all current clothing materials used in underwear.

"Acid rain is a problem in undergarments because all of the known undergarment materials lack natural alkalinity," said Lance Boyle, a spokesman for the industry consortium GASS (Getting Acid Stain Synthetics). "Cotton and nylon are hardest hit because their weak fibers cannot fight the damaging consequences of acid stain, with the result that millions of Americans are walking around with the holey underwear their mothers warned them about."

Sulphur dioxide is generally a byproduct of industrial processes and burning of fossil fuels, but consumer diets rich in fast foods and low-quality beer are believed to be a hidden menace to SO2 levels. In 2006, U.S. SO2 emissions from human flatulence were measured at 14.8 million tons.

"We are literally burning holes in our own underwear," said Mitch Ripping, a spokesman for Greenpeace USA. "The main threat of an acid stain disaster springs from our heavy dependence on Taco Bell as a late night destination. Unfortunately, Americans are not willing to make the lifestyle changes necessary to reign in this looming catastrophe."

Ripping added that the effects of acid stain are not merely limited to the individual creator of the acidic ass trumpets.

"Second-hand acid stain is just as destructive as first-generation caustic gasses," he noted. "You can be minding your own business, eating healthy, and totally oblivious to the fact that the selfish twit next to you on the bus is generating lethal crop dusters capable of scorching right through your new Joe Boxers. Sad, really."

Labels: acid stain, underwear

"Don't let the spangled dragons of bloodwhirl crucify the neon."

--Billy Pilgrim to Jim Morrison, on the ocassion of his first acid trip; Whiskey A-Go-Go, 1967

"Important Thinkery" is an occasional feature on this site, and is usually indicative of a writer who has little to offer beyond a sentence. Pretty pathetic, really, but it's not like you are paying for this content, Bubba.

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Verizon Guy: Prays for Death Daily

(New York)—The bespectacled 30-something lad commonly known as “that Verizon guy” lamented the loss of his soul earlier this afternoon on a busy New York sidewalk.

Gene McCormack, 36, was an out-of-work actor before landing “a sweet-ass gig” as the anonymously coy Verizon pitchman, whose conspicuous placement in every televised ad for the cell giant has led, in no small part, to their utter dominance of the market.

But McCormack has grown increasingly sour with the idea of his face being synonymous with a corporate brand.

“You know, I can’t even buy milk anymore without some random fuck going ‘hey, you’re that Verizon guy, aren’t you?’” McCormack remarked while removing the lid from his freshly purchased coffee, hoping it would cool. “I always say, ‘yeah, that’s me,’ and then the conversation fizzles into a prolonged awkward pause, because we both realize I’m just a dude in a workman’s shirt who peddles cell phones in commercials, and occasionally offers a wry smile to the camera. It’s times like that I wish my Jew-bitch of a mother had an abortion.”

Labels: Gene McCormack, Verizon guy