National Nitwit

(Los Angeles, CA) Actress Sharon Stone, who raised eyebrows for suggesting the devastating May 12 earthquake was a result of "bad karma," told National Nitwit reporters that earthquakes are not the only manifestation of karmic retribution.

"Without a doubt - those freaky-looking Down syndrome kids must have done something in a previous life to get those slopy foreheads and squinty eyes," she said, pausing to scratch a sore on her arm. "But you have to admit that Corky dude from that old Life Goes On TV show was pretty funny. In fact, when I'm trying to delay an orgasm, I picture his cross-eyed, buck-toothed grin, and I can stave off cumming as long as I want, although the men I'm with get a little anxious if I giggle out loud while fantasizing about getting retardo-fucked by drool-boy Corky."

Stone added that recent tornado victims in the Midwest also "probably did some weird shit" that brought about karmic consequences.

"Listen - you just know those inbred Arkansas and Kansas creeps are screwing around in ways that would make John Waters blush," she noted, retrieving a chunk of ear wax and wiping it on her skirt. "I used to date this Kentucky guy once, and he insisted on calling me 'Mama' while he was drilling me up the ass and clamping my nipples with a set of jumper cables. I mean, I got off and everything, but I felt kinda dirty later, you know?"

Labels: earthquakes, karma, Life Goes On, Sharon Stone

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Kennedy: Holistic Medicine? More Like Hangover Medicine

Senator Ted Kennedy, the most vocal and iconic leaders of the Democratic Party in our nation’s Congress, has made a stunning announcement about his plans to fight an inopperable brain tumor: he vows to “screw and booze myself to recovery.”

“This is a vital moment for me and my family, having endured so much hardship and tragedy throughout our decades of public service,” Kennedy intoned during a recent press conference. “So rather than throwing in the proverbial towel, or slinking away from the harsh rigors of civic life, I have instead chosen to maintain a steady diet of Boston hookers and Jim Beam until this tumor releases me from its chilly grasp, or I die as a byproduct of my own treatment. Really, I’m cool with whatever comes first.”

So as liberal and conservative voters anxiously await news of the senator’s dogged improvement, it remains clear that his questionably torrid behavior is his best chance to overcome this deplorable ailment.

“The doctors tell me chemotherapy is an option, but at best it’ll give me six more months, so fuck that,” Kennedy candidly expressed. “They think I’m gonna start drinking V8 and going to mass on Tuesdays to hear Father McMullen gab about the virtues of chastity? Nigga please. Mark my words: when this tumor is confronted with a naked 19-year old creative writing major from Emerson, her titties aglistening with Crown Royal, it’ll think twice about killing my ass. There’s guff left in this old Mick bastard yet.”

Labels: Ted Kennedy, tumor

Guest editorial by
Frankie Bonnano,
mail misappropriation consultant

There used to be a tie not so very long ago when the fruits of the U.S. Postal Service were ripe for the picking, and a guy could make a quick buck rifling through random envelopes. Why, I remember when an hour's worth of work might net someone like me a cool $500 or more picking through birthday cards and the like.

Not any more, pal.

The rise of this ecommerce horseshit - especially those thieving bastards collectively known as "PayPal" - have completely destroyed the mailbox theft industry, and thrown thousands of hardworking people like me out of gainful employment.

Here's an example: the first of the month used to be a fucking goldmine for Social Security checks, welfare payments, and disability dough. Nowadays, every idiot gets that shit wired into their bank account, and all that's left for mailbox raiders is a statement of deposit.

Even the stupidest check cashing clerk knows that these are worthless.

Left: No longer easy pickings

Or how about the days when an enterprising guy with a car and a heavy-duty chain could jerk the corner mailbox off its moorings? I remember when me and my buddy Paulie snatched one and cleared over two grand out of that one box, loaded as it was with cash-carrying letters from some garden club to an orphanage.

Now THAT was some sweet reward, fella.

So all I got to say to PayPal is this: better watch your back, assholes. There's a lot of angry mailbox divers who would love to take a poke at the Internet geeks who took their jobs.

Labels: mailbox theft, PayPal

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

As millions of working and middle-class Americans anxiously await their economic stimulus checks from the federal government, an uncanny idealism permeates our national discourse. Perhaps folks will use these funds to reduce their family’s debt load, or boost domestic manufacturing, or even reinvigorate our nation’s crumbling automotive industry, and thus salvage our economy from the proverbial crapper.

Instead, it seems that most Americans have one and only one plan for this money: to blow it as fast as possible on seafood, gambling, and other transitory pleasures.

“Dude, my wife and I are getting a combined total of $1,200, and we’ve already made plans for the day that shit shows up,” explained Rick Gangle, a sanitation engineer in Wilmington, Delaware. “We’re both taking two days’ worth of sick leave, gorging ourselves at Red Lobster, and then blowing the rest at Dover Downs on ponies and slots. I mean, sure, we could try to pay down our credit cards, but…fuck that. Capital One is already getting 20% APR a month—those bastards aren’t taking away my fried-shrimp-and-Heineken binge.”

Rebate Check: Burning Holes in Motherfucking Pockets Before it Even Arrives

Other potential recipients reiterated Gangle’s restless anticipation, as they had similar intentions for their funds.

“I’m a single mother of two, so some of that shit need to buy my girls new sneakers for the summer,” rationalized Clarita Johnson, an administrative assistant in Washington, D.C. “But this baby-momma gonna get hers, too, goddamn it. I’m buying a case of Zima, about $300 in scratch-offs, and eating me some fine-ass crabcakes with Dominique from accounts payable while the kids are at their father’s for the weekend. One of these days I’m gonna hit me that big money, so Mr. Willingford can collate his own shit-sucking reports!”

Labels: tax rebate checks

Clinton: Puckered and tested

(Terre Haute, IN) Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told an Indiana audience that she has a plan to help beleaguered American motorists with the sharp rise in gas prices.

"I am meeting people across Indiana and North Carolina who drive for a living, who commute long distances, who would save money if the oil companies paid this $8 billion gas tax this summer, instead of it coming out of the pockets of consumers," she noted of the 18.4-cent per-gallon federal gas tax. "Also, I intend to give each and every motorist the juiciest rim job they ever got, my tongue buried so deep I'm tasting the first piece of tomorrow morning's turd."

Clinton said that the "two-pronged approach" is necessary to combat corporate gouging.

"There's no doubt that these record profits of the oil companies are a result of a number of factors beyond supply and demand," she said. "I figure a gas tax cut, plus a good old-fashioned ass-tonguing, will help consumers relax a little. I know that nothing gets me into that state of perfect calm better than a 10-minute oral sphincter massage."

Clinton also took aim at her competitors for the White House.

"Senator Obama doesn't want us to take down the gas tax this summer and Senator McCain wants us to, but he doesn't want to pay for it," she said. "But neither of my opponents has offered to shove their tongues up the bung holes of the nation's taxpayers. Let me say this: Hillary Clinton is not too proud to get on her knees and give you anal pleasure, America."

Labels: Hillary Clinton, rim jobs