National Nitwit

Left: Mitchell is "disgusted on many levels"

(Ann Arbor, MI) University of Michigan law student Curtis Mitchell says that he keeps a clean dorm, but is not quite a "neat freak."

"I just like to keep my belongings orderly and my space looking decent, nothing too special," he told National Nitwit reporters early this morning. "But what Josh did to my room might never be fixed."

Mitchell said that dorm acquaintance Josh Kirkwood stopped by a few hours ago, and left behind an unwanted gift.

"He came in here, kicked off his nasty Jordans, and the foot funk hit me straight away," said Mitchell, shuddering at the olfactorial recollection of rancid feet. "I was all like: 'Yo - get that shit right out of here,' but the damage was already done."

Left: The source of the persistent stench appears to have emanated from Kirkwood's feet

Mitchell said that "stank particles" seem to have fastened themselves to his carpet, resisting his efforts to eradicate the foul smell.

"I've tried everything: baking soda, Carpet Fresh, Lysol - my room has been permanently fouled," he said, looking down at the odoriferous floor covering. "It's like the dude hadn't washed his feet or socks in six months. I mean - that kind of shit is just wrong, you know?"

Labels: smelly feet, University of Michigan

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Vick: Runs a 4.5-40, but can’t catch a motherfucking break

(Atlanta, GA)—As if the situation for Atlanta Falcons star quarterback Michael Vick seemed incapable of worsening after his indictment in a covert dog fighting ring, new allegations have surfaced that Vick is also deeply mired in an underground midget fighting racket, which pits helpless midgets against one another in gladiatorial combats to the death.

And while Vick himself is taking great pains to avoid public scrutiny or comment, his representatives are doing their best damage control to salvage what remains of his good-guy image.

“These most recent charges of illicit and savage midget fights, and the subsequent high-roller gambling on their outcomes, are ludicrous and in time will be proven to lack foundation,” remarked Vick’s agent Joel Segal in a written press statement earlier this morning. “At no time has Michael Vick ever watched two stumpy-legged midgets waddle drunkenly toward each other and trade gashes with box-cutters, or witnessed two girl midgets burn each other’s faces beyond recognition with lit torches. And certainly he has never profited from a rigged match where a dozen midgets were placed in a steel death cage and the lone survivor emerged only after strangling all others with a pair of Timberland boot laces.”

Left: Layin' it on the line for da little man

Nevertheless, these recent allegations have incensed those in the midget community, many of whom are calling for complete disclosure and immediate legal action.

“Vick’s true character is finally coming to light, and his degradation of little people is simply intolerable in a democracy that claims tolerance as a defining feature,” remarked Matt Roloff, dwarf activist and star of the TLC reality series “Little People, Big World.” “And if Mr. Vick was here right now, and I had a stepstool, and a few phonebooks, and maybe a broom handle to balance myself atop all that stuff, I’d tell him to his face how deplorable his actions truly are.”

Labels: Michael Vick, midgets, Mike Vick

(Washington, DC) President Bush, in a briefing before White House reporters, admitted that his attempts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq in the virtual world of Second Life have been as frustrating as those in the real world.

"We're spending $400 trillion Linden Dollars a month, and we have twice the number of U.S. soldiers killed," he acknowledged, gesturing toward a PowerPoint presentation. "But we have seen progress with the deployment of 50,000 Residents in Second Life Iraq, and we believe that - come spring 2008 - we will defeat the virtual insurgents and see the birth of a stable virtual Iraq."

Bush said that he hopes the beta version of Second Life will be "more stratergically-focused" for U.S. troops than the current version of the online game.

"Listen - we have to be within 96 meters to kill an insurgent's avatar, which is total bullshit," he noted. "In real life an M-16 assault rifle has an effective range of 550 meters, and more like 700 meters if you are on a high building shooting downwind."

Finally, said the President, his administration has "bold new plans" should the virtual troop surge fail in Second Life Iraq.

"Pretty basically, we're going to storm Linden Labs and take out their command and control infrastructure," he said. "Then we'll get some of our guys in there and program this Second Life thing the right way. Oh - and no more of that PayPal or credit card nonsense, either. I blew about $10 grand on this stupid game last year."

Labels: Bush, George W. Bush, Iraq, Second Life

(Washington, DC) Doctors removed five presidential aides from President Bush's colon on Saturday, and "all were expendable," a White House spokesman said.

The aides were removed and sent to the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, for routine examination, spokesman Scott Stanzel said.

"All of these workers appear to have survived their period of intestinal servitude in fine shape," Stanzel said. "We are now looking for replacements for these dedicated civil servants."

Physicians used "monitored anesthesia care," so the president was asleep during the procedure, but not as deeply unconscious as with a general anesthetic.

"Let's face it - removing a sycophantic aide wedged deep in your intestines is no simple matter," Stanzel said. "And this one intern, a College Republican from Yale, stubbornly refused to leave the President's colon, and had to be Tazered before doctors could remove him."

Stanzel said that Bush was in "good spirits" and had resumed executive power after a brief handover to Vice-President Dick Cheney.

"Dick is the next under the knife," he added. "Doctors worry that the Vice President might have a similar problem with defense contractor lobbyists. These suckers are especially difficult to remove, and we suspect Cheney's procedure will be much more extensive."

Guest editorial by Cory Mitchell, young punk-ass

Dude, old geezers totally have it made. They can park in the closest spots at the mall, they get money in the mail every month (except when I raid my neighbor's mailbox for her SSI check), and they can scam the little kids on their block into cutting their grass for like $4.00 and a box of raisins.

I can't wait until I get to be an old bastard.

Think about it. When you are an old fucker, you can say whatever the hell you want, and people think it's "cute" or "colorful" or "crotchety." My grandpa was in line at the grocery store, and he saw these two gay dudes walk by, and he says in this really loud voice: "Jeeeee-zus Christ! I thought the Fruit-Loops were in the cereal aisle," and everybody laughed.

Even the faggots.

But me? If I'd have so much as winked at those rump rangers, there would have been a hundred rainbow scarf-wearing homos picketing outside my apartment, and the university Diversity Committee would have hauled me up on charges or something.

As an old bastard, you've got it going good, baby. People hold doors open for you, carry bags to your car, and maybe even feel a little guilty if they steal your shit. You think those crackheads who stole my TV felt sorry for me? Hell no! I'll bet they were laughing all the way to the pawn shop, and still having themselves a tweaky little chuckle as they smoked that $80 worth of crack they bought with my motherfucking 50" plasma.

But you bet your ass I am out there shoveling old Miss Reinhardt's driveway when it snows, although I admit I kinda owe her some scratch for those checks I heisted. The point is, old people are the bomb, and I just can't wait until some 20-year-old home health care babe comes by four times a day to wipe my ass and cook my soup while I watch newsreels about the rise of Nazi Germany. Mmmm-hmmmm!

Labels: crackheads, elderly, SSI

Guest editorial by Phil "Smegma" Coppins,
Hog connoisseur

I see you looking out your curtains, Ms. Nosy-Ass Neighbor, every time I pull up in my driveway on my Harley. And to the question I am sure you are asking, my answer is thus:

As loud as I fucking want it to be, Bee-atch!

You see, God made Harleys loud. Really fucking loud. And for me to try to make my machine sound anything less annoying would be like putting a muzzle on one of those wild-ass lions on National Geographic.

Just not right.

So I am just doing my duty as a caring Harley owner to let this monster growl at 120 decibels, letting this metallic beast live free and ride hard.

Hey listen, though - your lawn guys get started pretty freaking early, and sometimes they are firing up those whiny weed-whackers at like ten o'clock and shit. Do you think you might ask them to cut your grass a little later, when the sun's high in the sky, like three or four in the afternoon? I'd appreciate it - sometimes this beast of mine's gotta ride until the sun comes up.

Labels: Harley, hog, motorcycles

(New York) The publisher of the seventh and last Harry Potter book has unveiled the cover of the new book, which features the boy wizard flinching at the site of a dominatrix with an aquamarine-colored dildo.

Harry Potter Takes it up the Arse - HARD, the much-anticipated final installment of the Potter series by British writer JK Rowling, is due to go on sale at midnight on July 21.

The cover art of the newest book was created by illustrator Marie GrandPierre, who painted the covers for the other six books in the series.

"The front cover of Harry Potter Takes it up the Arse - HARD features Harry and chums getting jiggy with each other. It depicts 17-year-old Harry giving a companion a reacharound," publisher Scholastic said in a statement. "The structures around Harry show evident debauchery and in the shadows behind him, we see outlines of other people doing naughty things."

Author Rowling said that she quickly got over her reservations about Potter's newly-awakened, alternative sexuality.

"I figured, what the hell - he's 17, he's got the hormones and whatnot - let's let him have a turn at some rough man sex with another yob," she said, crushing out a cigarette. "And the bit with the dominatrix and the strapon - that's just too rich. Serves the smarmy bugger right, if you ask me."

Labels: BDSM, gay porn, Harry Potter, JK Rowling

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

John Forster: RIP, You Annoying Son of a Bitch

(Houston, TX)—As a brutal heat wave continues unabated throughout many parts of the United States, the residents of several major cities must endure both sweltering temperatures as well as their local “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” guy, who relishes this tired cliché with smug gratification.

But thankfully, the city of Houston has been relieved of their Humidity Guy, local mail carrier John Forster, 58, since he was beaten to death by a crowd of “totally pissed off pedestrians sweating their motherfucking balls off.”

“It was around lunchtime yesterday, and there’s this crowd of like, fifty people just jammed together waiting to use the crosswalk,” recounted Marge Sinclair, a Houston-area paralegal. “Most of us are just huffing and sighing, sweat rolling down in buckets, and then this retard feels the need to drop that ‘it’s the humidity’ line as if he’s Seinfeld or something. Next thing I knew, me and three other ladies were bashing his skull in with our high heels.”

And given the unique circumstances of Forster’s demise, the Houston Police Department has expressed no intention to press charges against this mob of sweltered passersby.

“Normally, when someone is beaten to death with shoes and briefcases on a city sidewalk, you bet your ass we prosecute under the full extent of the law,” explained Lieutenant James Tagbert. “But once a cursory investigation revealed that this bastard was the city’s Humidity Guy, we figured these folks had done a civic service. Granted, jabbing his dick with a letter opener was a bit much, but overall, he had it coming.”

Labels: heat wave, humidity, mail carriers, mailman, weather

(Terre Haute, IN) Craig Baxter believed that he and his junior high sweetheart had "the perfect relationship." That, at least, was until ex-girlfriend Kylee Andersson delivered him a breakup letter last week, sealed with a heart-shaped Bratz Passion sticker.

"We shared everything together - long AIM chats, telephone calls in the middle of the night, going shopping at the mall while I pretended to be 'Daddy' to keep the security guards from getting freaked," the 55-year-old accountant said. "But I guess when Kylee's profile said that she was a 'mature' 12-year-old, she was just stringing me along. And her whole 'Best Friends Forever' bullshit? Lies, just lies."

Baxter met Kylee in a room at TeenChatPlanet.com, and he said the two "hit it off right away."

"We shared a lot of the same interests: hanging out with our teen friends, keeping special secrets, and dreaming of finding that one true love," he reminisced, wiping away a small tear. "That, and freaky motel sex. Or so I thought, because the next thing I know she's hooked up with some 25-year-old skateboarding asshole who delivers pizzas. PIZZAS! I mean - what is she thinking? What kind of security is there in that?"

Visits to the mall will never be the same for the forlorn Baxter

Most importantly, said Baxter, he is going to be "more careful" in the future as he assesses his love interests.

"Honestly, my roller-coaster ride with Kylee has taken more out of me than any of the other young girls I've dated," he admitted, glasses fogging up at painful memories. "I'm not just going to put my soul out there like that for every Missy or Jamie who comes along, and you can bet I'm going to have to think twice if Kylee calls, begging me to take her back. A guy can only give so much or his heart, you know, before it breaks forever."

Labels: pedophile, pedophilia, relationships

(New York) Operating under a rubric of "better late than never," millions of impoverished Americans descended upon the nation's liquor stores and big box retailers to scoop up discounted fireworks.

Retailers contacted by National Nitwit reported brisk sales of leftover fireworks.

"I was moving shit that sat around on our shelves since 2004," noted Greg Shaheen, assistant manager of a Bronx RiteAid. "These poor bastards are walking out of here with bagloads of dusty fireworks. I even sold a couple dozen boxes of Christmas lights to some immigrants who believed me when I said they were 'electronic boom-boom makers.' Stupid schmucks."

While poor parents expressed relief that they would be able to provide at least some patriotic entertainment for their children, not everyone was happy with the odd-lot pyrotechnics.

"Man, this shit is lamer than a one-legged hurdler," said a dejected Brandon McCaffrey, 13, of Brooklyn. "I'm embarassed to even be seen with these stupid charcoal snakes and Snap-n-Pops. I might as well just tattoo the words 'FAGGOT-ASS' on my forehead. Dude, this is gayer than a duffel bag full of dicks. Fuck me."

Labels: fireworks, Fourth of July, New York

A National Nitwit Exclusive
By Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor and Pussy Connoisseur

Fernández de Kirchner: Let Me Stand Next to Your Centrist-Progressive Fire

(Buenos Aires)—After decades of bloated, stale male physiques dominating the global political landscape, it appears that ranking Argentine senator and presidential hopeful Cristina Fernández de Kirchner may prove a stunning alternative to the sad state of bureaucratic repulsiveness.

And at 54, Fernández de Kirchner is by all accounts a shrewd politician with experience as a lawyer and elected official in both houses of the Argentine congress, but more importantly, she is a straight-up fox.

“Do you know how long it’s been since a young boy in Latin American could masturbate to the cover of a newspaper?” snorted Associated Press political analyst Jacob Westhouse. “I’ll tell ya — a fucking long-ass time. Not since Eva Peron, and that bitch has been dead for like, three hundred years.”

Other experts corroborated Westhouse’s exuberant pronouncement of Fernández de Kirchner's bodacious assets.

“If Fernández de Kirchner wins in October, she’ll be the first hot president of anything, ever, especially since [French presidential candidate] Ségolène Royal lost by a gazillion votes,” intoned Roland McVie, a senior analyst with BBC International. “I mean, there have been a few hot first ladies —Abigail Adams had tits the size of cantaloupes, and Grace Coolidge had the best dick-sucking lips I’ve ever seen — but by and large, this would be a remarkable victory for beauty. With a face like hers, who gives a shit about foreign policy?”

Labels: Argentina, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, Nelson Kirchner