National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Barton: I Can’t Drive 55…or Sober

(Los Angeles, CA)—Actress Mischa Barton, who rocketed to stardom during her stint on the tweenie drama “The O.C.” as the belabored drama queen Marissa Cooper, was arrested early Thursday morning for driving under the influence and possessing several narcotic substances.

Barton was flabbergasted, however, that her real-life behavior could be so harshly penalized for mimicking her small-screen exploits.

“Jesus, I don’t know what the big deal is I just had some weed and beers fuckin’ pigs,” Barton slurred from her jail cell after fingerprinting. “Fuckin’ did this on TV all the time overdosing stuff and famous now. Famous! Can’t believe this. Like, fuckin’, don’t wanna mug shot. HEY PIGS I’M ON MY PERIOD IN HERE CAN I GET SOME RESPECT YOU FASCISTS!”

Sadly, Barton’s arrest concludes a tenuous year for young Hollywood starlets, as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan also had their fair share of legal difficulty in 2007.

“Apparently rehab and global embarrassment isn’t enough for these young ladies,” remarked Elvira Nichols, a syndicated celebrity columnist. “If they don’t watch themselves, all four of these vixens will be so broken and listless by their wanton partying that they’ll snort broken glass out of Robert Downey, Jr.’s puckered anus just to feel something.”

Labels: Mischa Barton, The O.C.

Guest Editorial by
Philips Haverhill, sexual economist

Many readers assume that the traditional method of obtaining sex - namely, through the acquisition of and negotiating with a monogamous partner - provides the safest returns and surest opportunities for sexual gratification.

Nothing, my friends, could be further from the truth.

The best value is in sex continues to be hookers, and for real value one simply cannot argue with mid-range call girls, who are trading currently at 40 percent discounts to net asset value for savvy negotiators. More importantly, one can improve on these already heady returns and pick up some interesting yields from forced sellers.

Take "Adriana," for example, who is a Brazilian hooker I met up with on a recent trip to Rio de Janeiro. Brazil's falling interest and inflation rates have coincided with stability in the political system and considerable growth in the owner-occupier property sector, which turned out to bode well for my negotiations. Knowing these indicators, I was able to work Adriana down from 150 Brazilian Reais (about $84) down to a much more affordable 90 Reais for our 60-minute session, plus I had her pick up the tab for the bottle of wine I had delivered by room service, since she consumed almost the entire bottle.

Simply put, there is a glut in the global sex markets, and to enhance their competitiveness in an era of increasing globalization, hookers need to cut down production costs and focus on improving quality. That means better, cheaper sex for you in the short-term future, and I project that the hooker market will continue to provide its customers with impressive value in the coming decade.

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Frosty: A Drug-Addled Shadow of His Former Self

(Denver, CO)—A high-ranking source in the Denver Police Department has revealed exclusive details to the National Nitwit that show Frosty the Snowman, the once-hallowed Christmas icon, has been arrested on several narcotics charges and could face substantial jail time in 2008.

Some of the more dire allegations include possession of cocaine, marijuana, and methamphetamines; soliciting sex from an undercover police officer; spanking a rented mule within city limits; and perhaps most reviling, peddling crack in a drug-free school zone.

“This shit has gone on for too long,” screamed Theresa Miller, an exasperated parent in the Denver area. “All these celebrities act like they cares about our kids, and then boom: Britney turns out to be a nutcase, Mike Vick made dogs eat each other n’ shit, and now Frosty be gettin’ high with a bunch of fifth graders during recess. I tell you, the city of Denver can’t take much more of this. We done already lost Jake Plummer. Goddamn!”

Left: Corncob pipe won't work for this snow

Some critics of Christmas culture, however, say that Frosty’s downfall is part of a larger epidemic: the glorification of holiday myth.

“See, our society deifies characters such as Santa, Rudolph, and of course Frosty, but the legacy and limelight is almost impossible for them to live up to,” explained Dr. Frederich Numenbauer, a clinical psychologist specializing in the effects of fame. “They turn to sex, drugs, and spanking mules because it provides them, albeit fleetingly, a safety valve for all of their public anxieties. Or in layman’s terms, doing the same cartoon every Christmas for six decades will really fuck a snowman up.”

Like millions of Americans, Numenbauer must ultimately wait and see how this legal drama unfolds.

“I hope Frosty has some sort of spiritual reckoning, and spares the nation a long, embarrassing courtroom charade,” Numenbauer reflected. “Otherwise, much like the O.J. trial, we’re all going to eat dinner glued to our TV screens for months on end, hearing every obscene detail about how Frosty, while whacked out Quaaludes, spanked a rented mule on a downtown Denver street corner.”

Labels: cocaine, crack cocaine, Frosty the Snowman

A Canadian study examining the video game sensation Guitar Hero scans has uncovered intriguing new evidence that users of the music video games are likely to commit acts of homosexual behavior with each other.

"Homoerotic behavior turns out to be found in nearly 90 percent of users, heightening not only normal sexual interest but homosexual interest too," said Saul Roksoff, a psychologist at the Canadian Sex Research Forum, who conducted the study. "Our findings support an association between faux guitar straddling and the phenomenon known as the 'circle jerk,' as well as suggesting an entire panoply of homosexual activities, including fisting, oral sex, and a curious activity known among afficianados as the 'Dirty Sanchez.'"

The Guitar Hero series was developed by Harmonix Music Systems between 2005 to 2007 before development of the series was transferred to Neversoft, whose first effort, Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock was released in October 2007.

"Guitar Hero has been shown to enhance arousal and erection," noted Roksoff. "It is also possible that a response to homosexual stimuli in these men is a function of the threat condition rather than sexual arousal per se. Still, there is a clear association between the upward-pointing plastic-guitar-as-phallus and some latent urge to publicly flog another dude's manmeat."

One Guitar Hero user, known to researchers only by the alias "Kyle," explained the mechanism behind the process of sexual preference transfer.

"Me and my dude were just jamming away to the Van Halen song "Panama" when all of a sudden I looked down and saw Nate with this huge woodage," he explained, looking away. "It was like... like... we just had to go down on each other, slobbering away on each other's cocks as David Lee Roth grunted: 'Pistons popping, aint no stopping now!' Crazy shit, mister."

Labels: Guitar Hero, homoerotic behavior

Guest Editorial
by Ike Turner

Listen: I know y'all found me this morning in my home near San Diego, and I wasn't exactly what you might call "responsive" when the paramedics showed up.

And the whole defibriliatutiary deal, with the electric paddles and shit? I swear to God, that about knocked me across the room. How the hell's a brother supposed to look normal after taking 50,000 volts? That, and my 76-year-old self takes a few extra minutes to recover after a hard night of Hennessy, hoes, and blow, if you know what I mean. You think Keith Richards looks spiffy at 8-motherfuckin'-AM? I think not.

So you'd better open this motherfuckin' coffin, or I'm about to beat all your sorry asses.

But pronouncing my ass dead and stuffing me in a casket? That is some downright cold shit, if I might engage in the vernacular, people. Hell, I treated my motherfuckin' dog better than that, even when he took a bite out of my Grammy trophy last month.

So hear I sit in this aluminum coffin, colder than an Alaskan shithouse, hoping one of y'all will hear me as I pound on the lid harder than a right-cross upside an Ikette's beehive bouffant.

And I have to say: I expected a little more in the way of post-mortem accoutrements, right? All those gold and platinum records, making millions for the record companies, and y'all think you can stick Ike Wister Turner - The King of Rhythm - in a fucking tin can?

Shit. I get less respect than a truck stop hooker with a cold sore, and y'all better pray my angry ass don't find a way out this box.

Labels: Ike Turner, Tina Turner

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Romney: Sort of Like Reagan, But Worse

(Washington, D.C.)—Ever since addressing his Mormonism for the first time publicly last week, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has made an undeniably strong effort to send a new message about his campaign: his faith is the driving force behind his seething hatred for gays, illegals, free-thinkers and those with dark complexions.

“For months I have dodged questions about my Mormonism because I felt the tone or timing was inopportune,” Romney explained during a recent stump speech in Washington, D.C. “But now the moment has arrived, and I want to make it clear to all the fundamentalist whack-jobs of America that I am one of you, and that we can share the supple majesty of our hatred together.”

Romney did not merely limited himself to an emotional appeal, however, as he attempted a rational explanation for how his faith informed his conservative worldview.

“Because Joseph Smith found the golden tablets and used a Nancy Drew decoder ring to tell us how Jesus smoked peyote with the Navajo, I will do everything in my power to fuck over liberals, blacks, gays, academics, working class families, and of course, illegal immigrants,” Romney intoned. “So if you believe in this nation’s core values of corporate domination and fear-mongering, but also like to pray a lot, I would welcome your vote.”

Labels: 2008 elections, Mitt Romney

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Nancy McMullen, Baltimore Housewife

Sorry, Tyler: No Hess Truck from Mommy this Year

Every year’s the same: I scrimp and save starting in January, and try to stretch every penny for my holiday fund while Carl and the kids blow their spare cash on pizza night and X-Box. And every year I try to get everyone the perfect gift—or in the case of the kids, several perfect gifts—and just as quickly as the wrapping paper flies off, and they mutter “awesome, thanks mom,” they’ve already moved on to the next present.

So fuck it. This year, everyone’s getting gift cards, even if it ruins our precious family traditions.

I’ve always believed that gift cards were best reserved for co-workers and distant relations; the sort of people you know well enough to guess where they shop, but not well enough to take a gamble and buy junk they already have. Take my brother-in-law Marcus, for example. He’s lived in Tampa for the past six years, and only calls around birthdays and holidays. I know the guy is a huge movie buff, but how the hell should I know if he’s already got The Bourne Ultimatum or not? Boom--$50 gift card for Best Buy, and I’m on to the next name on my list.

Well, that’s how I used to feel. But not any more. Last year, I spent close to $1200 on the kids, and what did they get me? They pooled their lavish allowances for a free facial at the local beauty parlor. That’s it. No new slippers, no John Grisham novel. And don’t even get me started on Carl…I have so many $99 diamond pendants that my jewelry box is stuffed tighter than a Thanksgiving turkey.

So fuck Carl, fuck the kids, and fuck you if you think I’m wasting another holiday season driving to the mall everyday after work like some goddamn slave. This year I’m buying a shoebox full of gift cards, so maybe the McMullens can get off their lazy asses and do their own shopping for once.

Labels: Christmas, gift cards, Shopping

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Putin: A True OG, Straight Outta Kazan

(The Kremlin)—Russian president Vladimir Putin’s United Russia party won a massive parliamentary election Sunday morning, reestablishing his stranglehold on power in the shaky former Soviet Union.

Perhaps what is more significant, however, is Putin’s admittedly dubious leadership, which has allowed all manner of civil unrest, Mafioso crime syndicates, and cloak-and-dagger hits on oppositional voices to manifest on its watch, seemingly unchecked.

“You bitches seen the Godfather?” a tipsy Putin remarked on national television later Sunday afternoon. “Well, you illiterate vodka-swilling peasants might as well call my ass Brando, ‘cause I’ve consolidated power like a motherfucker. Holla.”

And while Mr. Putin’s constitutional term as president will conclude next spring, some pundits claim he has already begun his Stalin-esque campaign to remain in office indefinitely.

“I know, at least legally speaking, that my ass should step down n’ shit and become a CEO next year, content to spend my days bangin’ preteens from Siberia,” Putin further explained during his televised statement. “And yo, that would be aiiight if like, this motherfuckin’ nation didn’t need me to take the reigns so things didn’t get whack. But mark my words: whack be on the horizon, and I be the nigga to fuck its punk-ass up.”