National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

American Partisanship: The Jigsaw Puzzle from Hell

(Washington, D.C.)—A recent poll of key U.S. pollsters such as the Associated Press, CNN, and MSNBC other esteemed organizations has startlingly exposed that political polls have been grossly inaccurate and, at best, misrepresentative of voting trends in recent months.

“It’s really quite atrocious,” remarked Dr. Wilson McDermitt, a research analyst with ABC News. “These Obama-Clinton polls have been ridiculously off-course…I mean, she’ll be lucky to have tampon money, let alone a congressional career when this embarrassment of a campaign is over. Thank god someone took the time to poll us pollsters about these atrocious polls.”

And while speculation runs rampant as to what exactly is the root cause of polling inaccuracies, the central problem for pollsters is simple: people lie.

“Dude, people don’t only lie, they fuck with polls on purpose,” explained a smirking Ian Glaser, a communications executive for Knight Ridder News. “And who can blame them? Imagine it’s 18 degrees outside, you’re late for a lunch meeting, and some egghead Ivy-leaguer starts asking you what brand peanut butter you buy and whether or not you believe greenhouse gasses are contributing to global warming. You just yell the first name that comes to mind—McCain! Obama! Huckafuck!—and get the hell out of there. So of course when they tally the real votes a week later it’s radically different. Asking an American to be honest about politics is like asking a Great Dane to shit in a litterbox.”

Labels: 2008 elections, polls

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Diddy to Get All Grammatical On Yo Ass?

(New York)—It was only a few short weeks ago that the tabloid press seemingly went bananas over Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs—formerly known as ‘Puff Daddy’—and his possible name change to ‘Sean Jean,’ the moniker of his urban-chic clothing line.

While Diddy did his best to dismiss such claims as “baseless rumors,” it appears that he is once again considering a new pseudonym: D.J. Diphthong.

“I been in the game too long now to have these joke rappas all tryin’ to steal the limelight, you feel me,” Diddy explained during an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit. “I gots to keep my shit fresh. I ain’t sayin’ I’m gonna go changin’ shit [such as my name], but if I was, you might wake some day soon to find yo nigga D.J. Diphthong is keepin’ it ol’ school.”

Ironically, Diddy seemed unaware that ‘diphthong’ is a linguistic term for vowel sliding in monosyllabic words (such as ‘toy’ and ‘same’), but he nonetheless expressed sincere excitement about the word’s symbolic potential.

“Me and some shorties be grindin’ last week, and it turns out this one bitch be like a PhD in grammarology or some shit,” Diddy recalled. “I don’t remember much of that night, if you feel me, but she dropped some heavy shit on my ass when she broke out that word ‘diphthong.’ That’s some medieval intellectual shit right there, and fo-sho D.J. Diphthong would let these punk-ass playas know that a corporate gansta is still a motherfuckin’ gansta, if you catch what I be throwin’.”

Left: Hyperactive, but not necessarily crazed

(Washington, DC) Representatives of the nation's estimated one billion squirrels gathered outside Congress today to protest the "demeaning and unfair" portrayal of the furry rodents in the media.

Worldwide Effort by Squirrels Against Negativity and Error (WESANE) pointed to last week's shooting on the campus of Northern Illinois University as evidence of the media bias against squirrels.

"In no less than 350 major media outlets was [shooter] Steven Kazmierczak described as 'squirrelly,' which reinforced the idea that members of the Sciuridae family are somehow a bunch of unstable, sociopathic killers," said Bucky Nuthall, a WESANE member. "We are fed up with these demeaning and misleading portrayals. Heck, last week I was hanging out in the park, and when I walked toward some little girl, she started screaming - screaming- because of me. It's bad enough that you people cross the street to avoid us, or make those insulting chuck-chuck-chuck noises at us all day."

Left: No semiautomatic weapons here, no sir

Nuthall added that group members have faced "considerable discrimination" in housing, employment, and health care.

"Ever see the Humane Society show up for a wounded squirrel? I thought not," he said, pausing to scratch behind his ear. "Rat poison in our nests, kids taking potshots at us with BB guns: we got it rough, y'all. And what's with trying to put barbed wire on your bird feeders? Listen - you put the food out, so we should have equal access to the shit, right? I thought that bigotry and Jim Crow died in the 1960s, but it seems that both are alive and well."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Her Holiness Angrily Awaiting Her Latte and Dry Cleaning

(New York)—Publishing giant Random House announced this morning that a new, tell-all biography of Mother Theresa will hit bookstores this summer, and is certain to cause controversy due to its claim that the hallowed nun was, in fact, “an epic diva bitch-face.”

Its author, the always-controversial author Christopher Hitchens, argues quite vociferously that Mother Theresa cared little for the poor, but rather used the international spotlight to further her own ego and political agenda.

“Theresa helped many people, surely, but what was never mentioned in the press was her total cunt attitude while she did it,” remarked Hitchens during an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit. “There is irrefutable documentary evidence of her spitting in soup kitchen meals, infesting blankets with fleas…the list goes on. Hell, one Indian man I interviewed said this supposed saint told him he should’ve been a blowjob—swallowed rather than born. Quite heartless stuff, really.”

Hitchens also decried Mother Theresa’s supposedly humanitarian motives, and insisted that they were, in fact, self-serving.

“The woman simply wanted more Catholics in the world, case closed,” Hitchens claimed in his affected British accent. “As an atheist, I can tell you her only motivation in opposing abortion was so more wriggling infants screeched into this world as good papists rather than as Hindis or Jews or regular old Protestant gutter-trash. And since I make a living by writing such outlandish biographies, I can assure potential readers that I am a wholly objective, secular authority on this woman’s dismal life.”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Clemens: Pious as a Schoolgirl in Pigtails

(Washington, D.C.)—Roger Clemens, the virtuoso MLB pitcher whose years of excellence have sadly led to a heated debate about his alleged steroid use, testified today before a House oversight committee.

What was remarkable, however, was that not only did Clemens deny using Human Growth Hormone (HGH), but he also denied ever committing an immoral deed in his entire life.

“I appreciate the intensity and vigor of this investigation, but will continue to fiercely assert that I have never knowingly used a banned substance,” Clemens vehemently remarked during today’s testimony. “But I would also like to add, since I’m under oath, that I have never farted, engaged in unprotected sex with a minor, placed a bet on a street fight, thrown fistfuls of change into a hotel pool from the seventeenth floor while drunk, spanked a hooker’s ass with a live albacore tuna, or ejaculated into a Christmas card and mailed it to my neighborhood synagogue.”

Clemens’s tenacious defense of his good name continued in rollicking filibuster fashion as an obvious attempt to salvage his reputation.

“Again, let me deny the use of any illicit enhancement that would alter my performance on or off the field,” Clemens boomed. “And while we’re on the subject, not once have I ever picked my nose at a stoplight, beaten a midget with a pool cue, flown to South America for a weekend coke binge, spat in the bacon bits at an Applebee’s salad bar, left an unflushed shit stewing in an airplane bathroom, or let a cat lick melted Parisian chocolate from my testicles. I can only pray that, in time, this investigation will clear my good name.”

Labels: Roger Clemens, steroids

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Beck: Gobbling Dongs to Defy Reason, Democracy

(Washington, D.C.)—Glenn Beck, the radically conservative radio and television personality known for his extremist views and aggressive demeanor, announced today that he would go on a cock sucking marathon in protest of John McCain’s maverick policies and their subsequent endorsement by the masses.

“This man does not represent the core values of the Republican Party, and his emergence as frontrunner for the presidential nomination is nothing short of a travesty,” Beck shouted during a news conference earlier this morning. “That is why, as of tomorrow morning, I’m going to begin slurping cock after cock to protest the liberal views that have infected the G.O.P. like some sort of weird African virus.”

Beck further explained the reasoning behind his unusual method of expressing political dissent.

“Friends, you know me to be the most genuinely conservative voice in these great United States,” Beck intoned as he stretched his jaw muscles and applied lip balm. “So I want you to see the toll McCain’s hippie agenda has had on me personally as I swallow mouthfuls of frothy negro cum. I know, I know—millions of so-called Americans voted for this man in fair and balanced primary elections, but my fringe views are the only path to salvation from the illegals and fags and tree-hugging war-haters. Think on that, my fellow Republicans, as the nut butter oozes down my cheek.”

Guest editorial
by Harold Morley, custodian and cultural analyst

First you had your horse whisperers, who help fix horses that turned vicious and crazy due to abuse or trauma or kids poking them with pointy sticks. Then you got your dog whisperers, who rehabilitate and restore calm to freaky dogs with major problems. These people know their stuff, and your Robert Redfords and Cesar Millans work regular miracles, if you ask me.

So, given his nutty-ass behavior, I think what O.J. Simpson needs is what you might call an "O.J. Whisperer."

An O.J. Whisperer could be there after O.J. gets all wired up on a couple of grams of high-grade Bolivian marching powder, cooing and petting him when he's getting all paranoid and violent and bitch-slappy and stuff. An O.J. Whisperer would recognize when O.J. pins his ears back, bares his teeth, and starts exhibiting telltale danger signs, like rearing back or screaming or charging.

The Whisperer could calm O.J. down before he kills someone, and maybe Nicole Brown Simpson would still be alive if there had been an O.J. Whisperer, you know?

Perhaps an O.J. whisperer could calm this misunderstood stallion

Maybe the O.J. Whisperer could train O.J. like they do with pack dogs. The Whisperer could give O.J. the sorts of rules, boundaries and limitations to establish himself as a good pack leader, and help correct and control unwanted behaviors, what you call your "positive training." The Whisperer would know that an O.J. needs a calm, assertive pack leader to keep him in line.

If that doesn't work, they could always try one of those 24-volt shock collars for O.J. When O.J. misbehaves, like if he starts feeling up some barmaid or pulling a gun on some guy in the Seven-11 parking lot, you could zap him and give him a quick: "BAD O.J.!"

Just do it with a rolled-up newspaper, for extra reinforcement.

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Air: Another Resource Ripe for Plunder

(New York)—Exxon Mobil, the oft-despised gasoline behemoth, announced today that 2007 was a landmark year for profit, earning the corporation a staggering $40.6 billion due in large part to surging prices at the pump.

Yet high-ranking executives are not content with this short-term growth, and seem poised for the hostile takeover of another natural resource: Air.

“The buzz on Wall Street is that Exxon Mobil is in aggressive negotiations with God, Inc., and may begin a hostile takeover if those stubborn angels and archangels remain committed to their old business model,” explained Tim Reed, analyst for Energy Now!, a D.C.-area think-tank. “Sources close to the Big Guy—who remains charismatic, but largely a figurehead CEO—feel he’s powerless to stop the proceedings, so realistically Exxon Mobil could have the corner market on Air by 2010.”

And while a corporate monopoly on Air may be a startlingly apocalyptic notion for most Americans, Exxon Mobil feels that their insistent commandeering will ultimately improve the lives of their customers.

“Our service stations have sold Air for years to help thwart tire deflation, so this is just a logical extension of that product,” explained company spokesperson Gina Lee. “In fact, we’re already designing new merchandise, such as Bottled Air and Oxygen Speedpass, for those busy breathers on the go. In a few short years, Americans will laugh when they look back and realize how primitive unfiltered respiration truly is!”

Labels: air, Exxon