National Nitwit

Guest Editorial
by Winsted Andover, GOP political strategist

You know, there are moments in a campaign when an observer just has to stop, clap his hands, and say: "Bravo!" For me, that occurred the other day when I saw Mitt Romney shake off his pre-packaged personna and get real with some African Americans during a Martin Luther King Jr. memorial.

We saw Romney really connect with black voters by using the phrases "Bling Bling" and "Who Let The Dogs Out" that day. I mean, you expected him to say the usual sorts of candidate nonsense, but Romney really got down and boogied last week, and I think that this is a turning point for him. Up to this point, it has been John McCain getting most of the sympathy black votes, since he is the only GOP candidate to ever spend time in a prison cell.

It's no secret that Republicans have not fared well with black voters in the past five or six electoral cycles, at least not with blacks earning less than $70,000 per year, which would be, like, 97% of them or so. I have a gut feeling that Romney's plan to show his groove thang will resonate with blacks in a way no Republican has since Abraham-fucking-Lincoln.

My recommendation? Romney needs to drop black cultural references in every speech between now and November. Hip phrases like "Sock it to me, baby!" and "Dy-no-MITE!" and "My name is Kunta Kinte," stuff like that. Every photo opp should feature him pulling a greasy fried chicken leg out of a bucket, and he ought to start wearing baggy shorts and a sideways-turned baseball hat, too.

Oh, and when he's talking about Osama bin Laden, I wholeheartedly suggest that he use a line like this: "I finna bust a cap in that niggah's ass, a-i-i-i-e-e-e-e-e-t!"

You gotta use every tool in the box when running for President, and I think Mitt Romney has one killa strategy, y'all.

Labels: bling bling, Mitt Romney, Who let the dogs out

Guest Editorial
by Tre Margolis, Growth Specialist

Baby, time is just a raindrop plopping in the ocean. Let your love free now before it slips away, or before my tsunami of lust washes over us!

Listen, I know you are all worried about the economy and all that, thinking your job might disappear and stuff. Every time you turn on the TV, it's more bad news about unemployment and the credit crunch and the stock markets.

But baby, I got your economic stimulus package right here.

I will make you the most satisfied woman on Earth. I will sex you up like no one has ever sexed you up before. You’ve felt my love jackhammer, you know I am Chairman of the Bed, and that I don't mess around with discount rates, and that when it comes to priming the pump, I'm the master.

Yes, baby, mine is ultimate tool in fiscal policy, and your boy Ben Bernanke ain't got nothing on Tre. Come back to me, baby, and let's spur some growth.

Labels: economic stimulus package

Guest Editorial by
Senator Hillary Clinton

Listen up, y'all: I know that Brarack Obama has been peddling his half-black ass around South Carolina lately, trying to pretend he has an ounce of Negritude about him, but I know that South Carolina voters are not that stupid. You want a President who can walk the walk, and who knows what it means to grow up poor and black.

South Carolina: I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, am your nigga.

For starters, y'all know that my husband Bill was the first African American President, and since I have slept with him at least a dozen times, it is obvious I am down with the brown. What you probably don't know is that I taught Bill everything he knows about being black.

So when everybody got they noses up in the air, I'll be there for you, lettin' you know your nigga cares. Cuz only niggas is willing to put it all on the line, so ride wit us when it's killin' time, 'cuz I got yo back, South Carolina.

And when I'm ballin', I'm a floss in front of all y'all non-believers. You thought I couldn't win, but to my homies, my lovers, and my friends, I got yo back, South Carolina.

Peace out, y'all.

Labels: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, South Carolina

(Harrisburg, PA) Guitar whizzes are a dime a dozen on Guitar Hero, the video game that uses a guitar-shaped peripheral to simulate the playing of rock music.

Few players, however, can boast of the skills exhibited by 24-year-old Peter Senzaarto, a man born without arms who is setting afire the community of Guitar Hero aficionados.

"Dude, Peter is sensational. His first solo ["Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas] was one of the finest I have ever heard someone play," said Harrisburg resident Tom "Tweedy" Upshaw. "This cat does more with his little toes on Guitar Hero than I could do with four fucking arms. Incredible!"

Neighbor Michael Restall, who acquainted Senzaarto with the video game three years ago, said that the armless Wunderkind is "simply the world's greatest" virtual guitarist.

"You can’t manufacture authenticity, and this dude has plenty of it," said Restall. "From the heart, he lets loose; his struggles as well as his triumphs in life go hand in hand - err, make that foot-in-foot - with the music he plays."

Not all residents in this blue collar neighborhood give Senzaarto such glowing praise, though.

"Honestly? Pete needs to do something about the crud on his feet," noted Breanna Geiger, sister to one of Sezaarto's posse. "I mean, I might be even willing to do him if I was drunk, but the thought of those crusty, creepy toes scraping up and down my leg? No way."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

We Shall Overcome…the Customer Service Line at Macy’s

(Washington, D.C.)—Rather than watching a History Channel special on Civil Rights, or viewing the famed “I Have a Dream Speech” on YouTube, millions of Americans spent the federal holiday in honor of Dr. King returning unwanted Christmas presents and redeeming gift cards.

“I woke up around ten this morning, still pissy that the Packers lost and totally bummed that the only real holiday on the horizon is St. Patty’s Day, which might as well be in August,” huffed a frustrated Rick Mulligan, a D.C.-area paralegal. “So I brewed a strong pot of coffee and plan to waste the afternoon returning half the Christmas clothes I bought for my wife. Don’t get me wrong—I love Dr. King—but this shit is barely a step above Arbor Day, except the mailman doesn’t come.”

Even for members of the African-American community, today seemed less about celebrating the life of a cherished leader and more about running errands.

“You don’t need to tell ME what today is about,” remarked a vocal LeShonda Williams, local dental hygienist and single mother of two. “Today is about freedom, and hope, and about remembering what we done been through as a people. It’s also about exchanging this broke-ass PSP I bought for my son, since they only give you 30 days for that shit and I don’t get no hour-long lunch break during the week.”

Dr. Evan Kessler, professor of sociology at Georgetown University, offered these sobering thoughts on public indifference.

“While racism is still a rampant concern in America, many of us are too consumed with our daily lives to stop and take national inventory, which was the guiding impetus behind this holiday,” Dr. Kessler explained. “Many just view today as a freebie, spend it willy-nilly, and later watch an hour of PBS after dinner to assuage our sense of obligation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be going—I need to exchange this cardigan at The Gap, and I’m sure the return line is a motherfucker.”

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Brady: He’ll Suck Your Daughter Dry

(Foxborough, MA)—Sources close to the New England Patriots leaked critical information earlier this morning that NFL MVP Tom Brady, arguably the greatest quarterback of his generation, is in fact a vampire who feasts on the blood of unspoiled teenage women.

“Brady is a monster, straight up,” remarked a Patriots source who spoke to the National Nitwit only under the guise of anonymity. “I mean, for starters, the guy sleeps in a coffin, refuses to eat any dish with garlic at team luncheons, and frankly, just has blood on his face all the time.”

However, it is not just any blood that quenches Brady’s unholy thirst.

“When I first met Tom, man, I thought he was just into young pussy, right, which ain’t all that different from other single guys in this league,” explained teammate Randy Moss. “But then I noticed he was never with the same shorty twice, and that he get really paranoid about guys opening the trunk of his car. It didn’t take long to put two and two together.”

So as the Patriots and Chargers both prepare for their AFC Championship bout this weekend, one question remains: will Brady’s bloodlust undermine his team’s unprecedented season?

“Look, I don’t care if the guy is slurping type O Negative from Hannah Montana’s inner thigh on the sideline,” huffed a defensive Moss. “As long as my dude keep throwing touchdowns, we goin’ to the Superbowl.”

Labels: New England Patriots, Super Bowl, Tom Brady, vampires

(Terre Haute, IN) Craig Baxter, a local afficianado of puerile pleasures, announced that he will initiate a campaign of "caring and cuddling" for Terre Haute area children.

Tentaively known as "No Child's Behind Left Behind," the program will target disadvantaged and disaffected youth throughout Indiana.

"Pretty basically, I've got a lot of love for kids, and lots of room in my van," he noted. "It's a shame that there are so many youngsters crying out for attention. I just want to help."

Baxter said that other members of the "kid-friendly" community to which he belongs have expressed interest in the non-profit movement.

"Oh yes - there is a ton of interest in expanding the target demographic," he said, pausing to check some instant messages on his laptop. "I can tell you that there is no lack of enthusiasm for a child's behind here."

Labels: pedophiles, Terre Haute

(Portsmouth, NH) Local panhandler Emmett Burgoyne said that he has tracked down "nearly every" presidential contender in the upcoming primary, and he has been disappointed with their collective efforts to bring change to the Granite State.

"So far, to date, I've only received $1.84 from these heartless bastards," he noted. "And most of that was from Dennis Kucinich when he thought I was a parking lot attendant. As far as I'm concerned, these cheap sons-a-bitches don't know the meaning of the word 'change.'"

Burgoyne said that most of the candidates tried to pretend he did not exist.

"I mean, it's not like I don't have a sign and all," he added. "It would be one thing if I was some crazed, drooling lunatic who deserved a Secret Service laser-sight on his forehead, but I am just doing my job and getting shat on."

Burgoyne said that GOP candidate Mitt Romney gave him the "coldest of cold shoulders" after a speech this morning.

"Dude was all like: 'Just... don't... touch... me!' when I walked over to him," he recalled. "Yes, I need a bath, and yes, I'm not exactly walking around in a Brooks Brothers suit, but there's no reason to treat me like an LDS heretic and shit. Some things are just plain wrong, you know?"

Labels: Kucinich, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire

Guest Editorial by Reese McCullough,
marketing consultant

You've just got to hand it to the marketing geniuses at McDonald's, a company that is never content to sit on its corporate laurels. I about laughed myself silly watching that new commercial with the little black kid with the beatbox, who munches his french fries as a rap song goes on in the background.

I think that McDonald's hip-hop attitude in their commercials must really be connecting with the black folks!

You know the one I am talking about, right? It has the song "Cha-Cha Slide" in the background, and the street-smart kid schools his dad in the living room? There he is, in his Adidas track suit, just a-dipping those apples in the caramel sauce right to the beat?

And his dad, who at first looks like he's some kind of middle management type, but we later find out he's not above a-shucking and a-jiving with the kid? I mean, you can't change who you are, am I right? As soon as the dad starts feeling the rhythm, he's just got to start a-bobbing his head and getting that funk moving.

I think McDonald's should make a whole series of these crazy commercials. Maybe the dad can be riding with the kid in their big old 1976 Cadillac Fleetwood, all pimped out in chrome and the beat to the "Cha-Cha Slide" pumping throughout the whole ghetto. Then the camera could cut to the adorable mom, who is in the backset of the Caddy stuffing fries in her face and whose 250-lb body is jiggling to the beat.

Nothing too sexy, mind you, but maybe the wind could blow that colorful Hawaiian muumuu around a bit to see a little of that tasty-looking cleavage, or maybe she would drop a Chicken McNugget and we could see that gigantic rump wiggling a bit as she adjusts her dew-rag.

Anyways, kudos to McDonald's for making a commercial that really nails it. Not only do they hit a grand slam in the black demographic, but the rest of us learn just a little bit about other cultures.

Labels: Cha-Cha Slide, McDonald's

(Los Angeles, CA) Pregnant teen actress Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of pop singer Britney Spears and star of Nickelodeon's "Zoey 101" program, told National Nitwit reporters that she "totally denies" that she is a nasty, cum-slurping slut.

"No way, no way," she reiterated. "I've been with, like, less than two dozen guys in my life, and me and Casey [Aldridge, her 19-year-old boyfriend] had been monogamatic for like, three weeks. Y'all are a bunch of haters."

Spears attributed her reputation as a grimy, sullied hoe-bag to "jealous skanks in the press."

"Let's face it - most of the ugly lesbians who work as reporters got teased a lot in school," the unclean skeezer speculated. "If I was that repulsive, I'd probably hate me, too."

Spears added that she is going to keep a "positive attitude" about news accounts depicting her as a disease-ridden hoochie, and that she hopes to turn her notoriety as a white-trash, slaggy cum dumpster into new career opportunities.

"Look - there are lots of films that require the presence of some besmirched, instant-bang slapper," she noted. "With my notoriety as a sordid, cock-craving trick, I will straight up have no problems landing movie roles as a nasty, bunghole-licking piece of meat. Plus, there are just tons of rap videos that use smutty, contaminated, crack-whore types, so I should be good there, too."

Labels: Jamie Lynn Spears