National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a close advisor of the President and one of the most controversial members of the Bush administration, resigned today after learning of the suicide attempt by actor Owen Wilson.

"Yesterday I met with President Bush and informed him of my decision to conclude my government service as attorney general of the United States effective as of September 17th, 2007," he said. "When I heard that Owen Wilson was rushed to the hospital after cutting his wrists and taking a bunch of pills to kill himself, I just couldn't stay on. I mean, that Zoolander was one funny movie, right? And with that crazy nose of his and all, who would have thought he could make it as an actor?"

The outgoing attorney general thanked President Bush for nominating him to the nation's highest Justice Department post.

"Public service is honorable and noble. And I am profoundly grateful to President Bush for his friendship and the many opportunities he has given me to serve the American people," said Gonzales. "Still, the idea that we might not get to see another Meet the Fockers with Owen Wilson is troubling, and it is important for me to be with my family during this crisis."

Gonzales, the Hispanic son of a construction worker, declared his solidarity with Wilson.

“Even my worst days as attorney general have been better than anything Owen Wilson has suffered, and I want to be there for him," he said. "Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights were important pieces of American culture. Where the hell did that nutty Jackie Chan come up with a nickname like "Maharaja of Nevada," anyways? That shit is just too much."

Labels: Alberto Gonzales, Owen Wilson

(New York) A nationwide survey of the nation's restrooms by Columbia University researchers discovered that there is an alarming lack of wireless signal availability, prompting calls by advocates for greater Internet accessibility.

"Look: I am a diehard multi-tasker, and the fifteen minutes I spend wrenching out a stubborn log is downtime I just can't afford," argued Poughkeepsie marketing rep Kevin Beeler. "A wireless signal in the john allows me to catch up on email and clients' orders, while allowing me to let a hunk of ass-loaf take its natural time to evacuate my bowels."

Philip Herole, a Manhattan banker, believes that universal washroom wireless has added benefits for employers.

"Say you have a really hot coworker who wears a short skirt and some sexy high heels. You can't get any work done with a raging stiffy, right?" he asked. "If you could take the laptop in the stall and fire off a few loaded rounds of love juice, you could get right back to work without wanting to bend her over the desk and get to tapping that tight ass. Probably cut down on sexual harassment suits, too."

Labels: Columbia University, restrooms, wireless

A National Nitwit Investigative Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Mayer: Heartfelt Licks or Corporate Dick?

(Los Angeles, CA)—Ever since his debut album Room For Squares premiered in 2001, John Mayer has puzzled critics and music aficionados alike. His sultry voice, impressive guitar chops, and sense of humor have garnered kudos, but his awkward tryst with Jessica Simpson and explicit desire for guitar-god status leave serious doubts concerning his artistry.

So the question remains: is John Mayer this generation’s Eric Clapton, or just another douche-bag pop singer who needs his face rearranged with a crowbar?

“Mayer is a curious case, that’s for sure,” remarked Rolling Stone editor Peter Travers. “On the one hand, he’s constantly pushed his music beyond the radio-friendly sound of ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ and ‘Daughters,’ but the guy also got Stevie Ray Vaughan inked on his bicep. Who the fuck does he think he is, Slash? So as far as I’m concerned, the jury’s still out.”

Kendra Jacobs, an internet radio consultant in Austin, Texas, reiterated Travers’ concerns.

“When Mayer first arrived on the scene, I was an instant fan,” Jacobs explained while thumbing through this week’s Billboard charts. “He wrote good tunes and had a catchy-but-safe adult contemporary sound. But then he tried to reinvent himself into some sort of Hendrix of Suburbia. What kind of rock star makes a Volkswagen commercial and dates Ms. Chicken of the Sea? Maybe he just has trouble keeping his dick in his pants, but I’m still waiting for a landmark album from the guy. Until then, he’s in the same category as Amy Winehouse and Ryan Adams: talented, but sketchy as a motherfucker.”

Labels: John Mayer, Rolling Stone

(Los Angeles) The History Channel, buoyed by the initial success of its reality television series Ice Road Truckers, today announced the spinoff of a related program.

Tentatively titled Ice Road Truckstop Whores, the new show will detail the lives of the women who service the men who have the treacherous job of driving trucks over frozen lakes in Canada's Northwest Territories.

"Well, I mainly work the strip in Yellowknife," said "Patty," a long-term ice hooker. "The truckers that come here are sex-starved and we make quite a bit of money from them, but some of these dudes are pretty freaky, like the trucker who wanted to shove an icicle up my cooch. Not cool, you know?"

Patty noted that prostitution along the ice roads has certain drawbacks.

"Well, for starters, you can wait a long time between tricks. When I first started out I had no experience, you know, so I found this Eskimo pimp to work for," she recalled. "The guy was a real asshole and beat me and only fed us raw seal meat. It took me a year to find someone to beat the shit out of him so I could go on my own."

Labels: Canada, Ice Road Truckers

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Haim and Feldman: Lamer Than a Booger Sandwich

(Los Angeles, CA)—Eighties teen-stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman have experienced a small resurgence in popularity in recent months as their reality television program “The Two Coreys”–which has become a staple of A&E’s weeknight cycle—has once again thrust their staid, uninteresting lives into the limelight.

And to the utter amazement of producers and television critics alike, the show gained its second viewer over the weekend, which has become the sole litmus test for kitschy reality programs to endure season after worthless season of scripted misadventures.

“I was surfing the basic cable channels Saturday night since my wife Vicky was at a sleepover for her niece’s baby shower,” remarked new viewer Tom Ingman, a building contractor in Providence, Rhode Island. “And I remembered those two Corey guys from that dumb-ass vampire flick ‘The Lost Boys.’ Anyway, there was nothing else on, so I watched their show. It wasn’t any good, but I might watch it again if Vicky has a late night at the office or something. Hey—did you know one of those Corey dudes got like, really fat?”

Programming executives at A&E were “ecstatic” upon learning that “The Two Coreys” had expanded its core audience.

“The fact that the Coreys are breaking into that ever-difficult 30-49 male demographic is truly exciting news,” remarked a jubilant Melinda Mayhew, a spokesperson for A&E. “We may still have a rough road ahead, but with two dedicated fans, we already have more viewers than ‘The Chevy Chase Show’ and ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ combined.”

Labels: A and E, Two Coreys

Left: All it takes is one more state, folks

(Washington, D.C.) One of the first moves in the post-Rove White House today was the surprising announcement of a new exit strategy by the President.

"By formally annexing Iraq as the fifty-first state, we will be able to come to terms with the nation's desire to see the troops return home," President Bush enthused. "So I am here today to formally welcome the state of Iraq into the Union, and to welcome home the hardworking American soldiers."

Bush said the annexation proposal has hidden benefits in postwar Iraq.

"Each of the main regions - Sunni, Shi'a, and Kurd - will be broken up into counties, and Iraq will be kind of like California: crazy, but loveable," he said. "And then we can get down to the business of running this new state like Americans, although we are still working on getting rid of those nutty Arabic letters on everything. I mean, for Chrissakes - how the hell do you know what to order when you pull up to the drive-thru in a Baghdad Wendy's?"

The President added that the creation of the new fifty-first state - which he proposed calling 'Oilessee' - would necessitate some "stratergic military considerations."

"Obviously, Oilessee would need some new Army and Air Force bases, and we might have to set up some pay incentives to attract more military personnel to relocate there," he noted. "But the important thing is, we would finally be able to welcome home our sons and daughters, though they might not like their new digs at first. That, and we could tax the shit out of IEDs and car bombs, as we all know the best way to kill a behavior is to tax it, right?"

Labels: Bush, exit strategy, Iraq, Rove

A National Nitwit Special Report

Billy Pilgrim: Writer, Statesman, Advocate for Feral Cats

(Washington, D.C.)—Billy Pilgrim, the prolific reporter and veteran journalist for several leading publications including the National Nitwit, celebrated his thousandth Blogger profile viewing earlier this week.

And after a relapse from his hard-fought sobriety in 2006, Pilgrim was more than eager to share his pearls of wisdom with youngsters at King Elementary School in downtown Washington, D.C.

“First, I’d like to thank Ms. Chang, your second grade teacher for inviting me here today,” Pilgrim remarked while a throng of eight year-olds relished their snack time of pudding and carrot sticks. “Me and her go way back. I would tell you about this bitchin’ Jethro Tull concert we caught in Detroit—’84, I think it was—but I’m not sure what the statute of limitations are on ‘egregious orifice defilement,’ so maybe I’ll just skip that part of my speech.”

After some preliminary remarks, Pilgrim took a few scribbled note cards from his jacket pocket and got down to the matter at hand.

“While I have written for dozen of magazines, newspapers, and adult films over the years, I have always had a special place in my heart for the National Nitwit,” Pilgrim explained, “and this landmark occasion of one thousand Blogger profile views surely validates the sustained resilience of our journalistic mission. After all, a profile view is one of the most esteemed forms of internet flattery. Over a thousand people now, having read something I wrote, said to themselves: ‘what does this brilliant gentleman look like? What are his interests and hobbies? Perhaps he collects antique lockets. By Jove, I need to consult his Blogger profile.’ And so they have.”

Students at King Elementary, Ecstatic to Learn Pilgrim Was Once a Roadie for Jay-Z

Pilgrim ended with a sentimental flourish to truly express how much this experience meant to his career.

“A few weeks ago, when I hit nine hundred profile views, I knew this day would come,” Pilgrim slowly intoned after taking a few sips of water. “Years from now, long after they bury these tired bones, some critics may look back and say ‘that Pilgrim was a wastrel, a hedonist, a beer-swilling Jap banger whose life was little more than a sad, prolonged acid flashback.’ And maybe those folks will be right. But today, my friends, I celebrate a thousand Blogger profile views, and no one, no one can take that away.”

Labels: Billy Pilgrim, King Elementary, National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Rajiwan: Not Sure Who the Hell Makes These Phones Work

(Washington, D.C.)—Muhammad Rajiwan has been in the phone business for nearly a decade, and has enjoyed several years of lucrative employment as a salesperson for a Cingular retailer in downtown Washington, D.C.

But as Cingular has gone through a corporate sea change as “the new AT&T” and now simply has become synonymous with “AT&T,” Rajiwan is “fucking clueless” who he works for.

“This shit all started like, six months ago when I was watching some TV late one night,” Rajiwan explained while restocking a shelf of Razors and Chocolates. “And this ad comes on saying that Cingular is all of a sudden ‘the new AT&T,’ which was news to me. You’d think a big decision like that would result in employees getting new polo shirts, or at least a mass email, but no—I had to learn from a goddamn commercial that my company no longer existed.”

Rajiwan continued to outline his confusion at his employer’s bizarre shift in nomenclature.

“I thought maybe my pay stubs would help clear things up, but they only made things worse,” Rajiwan huffed. “For years it just said ‘Cingular’ in the upper-right hand corner. Then it changed to that orange stretchy guy, and then it changed again to say ‘Cingular/AT&T,’ and now it’s just that little blue swirly globe symbol. So do I work for AT&T now? Didn’t they go out of business or get sued back in 1987 or something? I got an idea: why don’t they call the company Clusterfucked, because that’s what my sales will be if these corporate jerk-offs don’t straighten things out.”

Labels: cell phones, Cingular, Washington D.C.

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Fred and Barney Watch with Disgust Before Munching Their Pterodactyl Sandwiches

(Los Angeles, CA)—Dedicated family man, social activist, and former television celebrity Fred Flintstone shook Hollywood earlier today when he denounced “the foul and egregious humor” that permeates cartoons that are currently popular on network TV.


“Shows like The Family Guy and The Simpsons have, for several years, crossed the line of respectability, and it’s high-time I said something,” remarked Flintstone while adjusting the collar on his leopard-skin onesie. “Sure, I kept a dinosaur in the house, and was a pitch-man for Winston cigarettes, and sometimes screamed at my wife like she was a Jersey hooker, but at least I didn’t have barbershop quartets bursting into hospital rooms telling people they’ve got the AIDS.”

Flintstone explained how American humor, particularly in animation, had sunk to an all-time low.

“Back in the sixties, the most violent we ever got was a little club humor—you know, Bamm-Bamm bonked some schmuck over the head, that old bit,” Flintstone recalled. “But these days, it’s not uncommon to see this Homer guy choke one of his kids to the point of blacking out. Am I a little jealous? Sure—there were a few times I wanted to choke the shit out of Pebbles—but my point is that kind of discipline needs to happen off-camera.”

Not all in the animation community believe Flintstone’s criticisms are sincere, however, and many suspect that personal motives belie his call for higher standards.

“Flinstone is a bitter has-been, plain and simple,” remarked John Saunders, spokesperson for the Federal Communications Commission. “Mark my words: once this joker gets his name back in the papers, he’ll exploit it for all it’s worth—Fred will be on the next season of Celebrity Fit Club, weeping about his compulsive snacking and Wilma’s secret battle with bipolar disorder.”

Labels: cartoons, Flintstones

Upshaw: Dreaming of what might have been

(Minneapolis, MN) Craig Upshaw believes in the old adage that "some people have all the luck," and the unemployed mainframe programmer is today regretting his decision to take the 10th Avenue Bridge instead of the doomed Interstate 35W Bridge that collapsed on Wednesday.

"I usually take the I-35W bridge, but the ramp was backed up, so I kept driving to 10th Street," noted the suicidal Upshaw. "I could have been painlessly buried under 10 tons of concrete at the bottom of the Mississippi, but NO! Dumb old Craig was just in too much of a hurry to kill himself."

Upshaw said that his unfortunate choice of safe bridges was the first in a "series of stupid mistakes."

"So I finally get home, and I realize I forgot to pick up my bottle of Xanax at the pharmacy," he said of his chosen termination method. "Then I go back out and realize I locked my keys in the car. It's like, HELLO?!?!? Do you really want to die or what, Craig?"

Upshaw, who recently broke up with his longtime life partner Alex, said that he still plans to carry out his desire to kill himself.

"Oh, yeah. You know I'm totally going through with this," he said, eating an entire plate of chocolate chip cookies. "I’m so going to end it all, because I just can’t live like this anymore. Every time I look at one of his T-shirts, or a pair of his dirty underwear, or play our favorite movie, The Notebook, I just want to cry. Why couldn't I have been on that bridge? Maybe Alex would have recognized me up there and come to his senses. Maybe he never should have fucked that bartender at Wesley's Pub. Maybe I should have tried out for that off-Broadway production of The Fantasticks. Woulda, coulda, shoulda - my life is a litany of near-misses."

Labels: I-35, I-35 collapse, Minneapolis

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Nathan “Buzz” Vople

For Vople, “Freedom Ain’t Free—You Gotta Kill People for It”

I’m a veteran who did two tours in Vietnam, so when it comes to this guerilla warfare over there in Iraq with them sand niggers, I know what the fuck I’m talking about.

And after four years of failures and setbacks, I’ve come up with the only viable solution for military success: we need to napalm these car-bombing towel heads back to the Stone Age.

For those of you who don’t know what napalm is, it’s an incinerating jelly-like substance that clings to whatever it contacts and burns at incredibly high temperatures. So that’s the dictionary definition for ya.

But back in ’69, after the Tet Offensive, when those slanty gooks ran at our boys like a bunch of crazed monkeys, this country finally grew a pair and elected Nixon who used napalm to burn most of Cambodia and Laos to the ground. Gotta fight fire with fire, no pun intended. You ever see a bunch of commie VC fleeing for their lives, totally regretting their allegiance to a failed political ideal? I have. And when their malnourished bodies fall to the ground, covered in flames and writhing in agony, you can bet your ass they aren’t praying to Ho Chi Min. Pal, that there is liberty on the march.

And I know we got a bunch of tofu munching liberal types in this country who think we need a regime change here at home, or need to stop throwing good money after bad, or simply need to bring these boys back and cut our losses, but these colors don’t run, you hear? The only time the stars and stripes have EVER run, at least that I know of, was back in ’88 when I got shit-faced on July 4th and fucked up tie-dying an Old Glory t-shirt. Damn thing ended up looking like a week-old maxi pad smeared with blueberries.

So to wrap things up here, napalm is the solution to this Iraq mess. Maybe if we burn these people’s homes, mosques, libraries, museums, post offices, farms, and schools to the ground, they’ll finally see how truly great democracy is.

Labels: Iraq, Iraq war, veterans