National Nitwit

Left: Cape fur seals

(Johannesburg, SA) A seal bit off a South African woman's nose after she attempted to help it back into the sea,said a government official.

Elsie van Tonder, 49, will undergo surgery this week after being bitten Saturday on a beach near the city of George, located east of Cape Town.

"The seal had been lying in the same spot since Friday, so the lady and a few other people were trying to take it back to the water," said Herman Oosthuizen, a government marine biologist. "This ditz stuck her face right down by the seal's to 'give it a little smooch,' and POW! off comes the nose."

Cape fur seals are fairly common on South African shores and many have become acclimated to humans, but they can be dangerous and sometimes attack people who venture too close, said Oosthuizen.

"This idiot, though, takes the cake," he said. "First she tried to dress the animal up in a bonnet, and then she attempted to give it a manicure. I don't blame the seal for trying to rip off her face."

(Las Vegas, NV) A light blue 1975 Ford Escort GL once owned by Pope John Paul II sold for $690,000 Saturday. John O'Quinn, a Houston multimillionaire, said he plans to put it in a proposed museum in his hometown.

"To me, it's a piece of history," O'Quinn, 62, a Baptist who said he owns about 600 vehicles. "To think, Pope John Paul once cruised the streets of Kracow in this ugly car, and it still even has the dashboard bobblehead of the Virgin Mary."

O'Quin says that the car is not without its faults.

"The damn thing reeks of cheap Iron Curtain-era tobacco, and there was a half-eaten fish sandwich under the passenger seat," he said. "Still, John Paul's ability to get 400 miles to the gallon in this thing probably qualifies as the first miracle in the quest to make him a saint."

Built 30 years ago at a Ford plant in Cologne, Germany, the car sold in original condition -- no hubcaps, no air conditioning, and no radio. The car was also sold with papal memorabilia, such as carved wooden rosary beads, a medallion bearing the likeness of St. Maria Goretti, and purple dashboard carpeting.

"Yeah, the pope was pimpin' it," said O'Rourke. "There was also a moldy set of fuzzy purple dice, but I couldn't see saving those."

Part of the charm of the car, said O'Rourke, was the late Pope's 8-track tape collection.

"Damn, this cat had some real soul," he said. "The car is loaded with Isaac Hayes, Marvin Gaye, and Funkadelic tapes. The dude was kickin' it!"

(Washington, DC) The lawyer for Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby is outlining a possible criminal defense involving his injured foot.

Libby, who resigned immediately, was operating amid "the hectic rush of issues and events at a busy time for our government, and he did so with a really hurt foot" according to a statement released today by his attorney, Joseph Tate.

"Look, the guy has been hobbling around for years like an elephant with a railroad spike in its hoof," said Tate. "How the hell is the guy supposed to remember details while stoically enduring the searing pain of a broken foot?"

Tate took on what he said was "podiatric bias" in the investigation and coverage of the Plame scandal.

"We are quite distressed the special counsel [Patrick Fitzgerald] has not sought to pursue alleged inconsistencies in Mr. Libby's recollection, and that he has ignored what is an obvious health care issue," he said. "Also, why has Mr. Libby's foot been ignored by the mainstream press? Have none of you any sympathy for a man nearly driven to tears every day by the pain?"

Tate discussed another possible defense strategy, saying that "for five years, through difficult times, Mr. Libby has done his best to serve our country, despite the excruciating foot pain."

Libby, contacted at his home, declined to discuss specifics of the case, but offered insight into his plight.

"Man, some days I have trouble just staying conscious," he said, adding that Demerol and morphine have been his constant companions through the ordeal. "What was I saying...oh, and the drugs have really messed with my brain, too."

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

Interment plans have been finalized for the remains of civil rights activist Rosa Parks. Parks, who inspired the 1955 bus boycott in Montgomery, AL, and came to embody the struggle for African-American equality, will be turned into a cushioned bench following a public viewing under the Capital Rotunda next week.

The seat will subsequently be installed "near the front" of a Montgomery Municipal transit vehicle, where it will provide respite to weary commuters on the vehicle's daily route.

"She won't find herself any further than three rows back," promised Barry Alfonz, public works mechanic for the city of Montgomery. According to Mr. Alfonz, the first two rows of city busses are now reserved for physically disabled passengers in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The state of Alabama retained the services of two local taxidermists and an upholsterer to oversee the incorporation of the remains into the bus seat.

" The early plans were pretty ghastly," admitted Lyle Henry, lead taxidermist. "But the city wouldn't commit to a chair bound in leathery human skin."

The new plans call for Parks's ashes to be added to a synthetic slurry that will eventually form the padding around a standard metal frame. A naugahyde cover will then be embroidered with the name "Rosa Parks" and the entire apparatus will be bolted onto the bus floor during a ceremony next month at the municipal garage.

The unusual memorial was proposed and entirely funded by Andre 3000, one half of the hip-hop duo "OutKast," which immortalized the activist with an eponymous single on their 1998 album Aquemini.

(Los Angeles, CA) Janet Jackson today denied that she has ever given birth to any children.

The secretive pop diva broke her silence Wednesday on assertions by her former brother-in-law that she has a secret 18-year-old daughter.

"I do not have a child, and all allegations saying so are false," Jackson said in a brief statement. "All of my offspring were hatched, as is the fashion on the planet from which I was sent."

Jackson added that her species does not even recognize fillial ties.

"We do not accept the notion of 'family,' at least not as earthlings recognize it," she said. "This whole 'Jackson' nonsense was created by Berry Gordy as a way for my people to seamlessly integrate into Earth society. Obviously, given the fact that our 'family' is so dysfunctional, you can see that this has not worked out."

James DeBarge said on the air that his brother and Jackson, who were briefly married from 1984 to 1985, had a baby together. The child, named Renee, was allegedly raised by Jackson's fictive sister Rebbie.

"Look - I disavow any connection to this person," said Jackson, showing reporters an unusual external egg sac. "Do you think that a human could gestate in this reptilian appendage? I think not."

(WASHINGTON) -- The federal grand jury investigating the alleged CIA leak could announce its findings as early as today, but Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald is not expected to make any public announcements Wednesday, one source with knowledge of the probe told National Nitwit.

"We hope to get to the bottom of this very soon," said the anonymous source. "The water's been shut off all over DC ever since this thing broke, and none of the Capitol bathrooms have been working."

Many legal experts had expected the grand jury to vote on an indictment Wednesday -- if the investigation is going to result in indictments -- and that the outcome would be announced publicly.

That's good news to Congessional staffers like Lisa Garrison.

"Oh my God, I have been holding it in since last week," she said. "When are they going to fix the leak and turn the toilets back on?"

(New York) Child television star Gary Coleman, who achieved short-lived fame in the 1980s television sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," has been chosen to fill the radio spot held by Howard Stern.

Coleman was a much-hyped mystery guest on Stern's nationwide radio show on Tuesday (October 25), where the actor revealed his will be the voice greeting Stern regulars the morning of January 3 — at least in several of the markets comprising the self-proclaimed King of All Media's syndicated, 27-station kingdom, an empire Stern has spent decades building.

"I am really looking forward to taking over for Howard," said the diminuitive Coleman. "The first thing I am going to do is get that cracker bastard Mr. Drummond on the air and bitch-slap that old pervert."

The choice for a Stern replacement was easy after interviewing Coleman, said Joel Hollander, Infinity's chairman and CEO.

"When we set out to find a replacement for Howard Stern, we took the opportunity to cultivate a wide array of talent, from both in and out of the radio industry," he said. "Coleman was by far the best, and the little fucker can still crack that shit-eating grin."

Coleman said that his deal - worth a reputed $500K a year - will go a long way toward paying bills.

"I stupidly tried to help that crackhead Todd Bridges out when he went nuts, and wound up about a million in the red," he said. "I am going to take that money and buy me a nice house in the suburbs. No more of that crazy city shit for me."

Left: Canadian PM Paul Martin, estimating the length of a normal erection

(Ottawa) Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin kept up his attacks on US trade policies on Monday even as he prepared to meet Condoleezza Rice later in the day on her first official visit to Canada as U.S. Secretary of State.

The visit is expected to focus on softwood.

When Martin took over as prime minister in December 2003, he pledged to put improve relations with the United States, but he has taken off the diplomatic gloves in the latest battle on softwood.

"Look, this never happened until I got around Condoleeza Rice," said Martin. "But something about her makes everything down there go all limp."

The Canadian PM said that he has tried "just about everything" on the market.

"I think that woman has some sort of anti-erectile force field that causes men to shrivel like a dive in Lake Superior," he said. "I can maintain a healthy sex life with anyone but Condi."

Rice has been America's top diplomat since February and has traversed the globe several times over, but this is her first visit to Canada since taking her post.

"I don't know what's up with Paul, but it's not me," she said. "Do men have to blame women for everything?"

Left: Baby Sean Preston

(Los Angeles, CA) Pop singer Britney Spears' photos of her newborn baby Sean Preston have been stolen, according to her spokesperson. The pictures were briefly posted on the World Wide Web, but taken off after the allegation was made public.

The baby was born last month, the first child for Spears and the third for her husband, former back-up singer Kevin Federline. Federline has two children from his previous relationship with actress Shar Jackson.

"My God, what an ugly baby," replied pop singer and Spears friend Madonna. "It's no wonder she wanted those pics taken down."

Madonna said that she had offered to be a godparent to young Sean, but that she may have to back out.

"Hey - I've got a career and a reputation of my own," she said. "There is no way in hell I am going to let a freak like that wreck my stature. Ugh!"

(New York) A spokesbird for the advocacy group CAVE (Cockatiels Affirming Vaccines for Everyone) called the US Centers for Disease Control a "bunch of anti-avian fascists" who would "gladly sacrifice the nation's birds" rather than provide them with bird flu vaccines.

"I know we can be really screechy and we crap all over our cages," said "JJ," a yellow-and-gray cockatiel. "But don't we deserve some protection, too? We at CAVE are beginning to think that the bird flu was genetically engineered to wipe out cockatiels and make room for those nasty parrots."

JJ said that the nation's birds have just as much right to health care as humans.

"OK, so we don't pay taxes, and you have to shell a lot of money for bird food," he said. "Think about the happy times, like when we learn to mimic the music to Donkey Kong and sing it when you are hung over."

A spokesperson for the CDC denied that there is a plot to destroy cockatiels.

"They are going to be wiped out like every other bird, and probably 15% of the human population once the virus mutates," said Dr. Tom Skinner. "However, if the bird flu just takes out those annoying little squawkers. Is that really so bad?"

(New York) American Express is suing the CEO of a communications company for payment of $241,000 worth of disputed credit card charges incurred at a Manhattan topless club.

AmEx argued in papers filed in state court that Savvis Inc. CEO Robert A. McCormick was in the NY nudie club Scores in October 2003 with at least three other guests.

McCormick denied the validity of the charges.

"Look, we were totally hammered; when she said "twenty for a lapdance" I didn't know she was talking $20K," he said. "Besides, the coke the bartender sold me was cut like 10:1 with filler."

McCormick said that he will "vigorously defend" the bill.

"The dudes I was with could not have snorted that much Andean happy powder," he said. "Plus, they were drinking Courvoisier, not the fucking Dom Perignon they billed us for."

Part of the dispute, said McCormick, hinged on the quality of the entertainment.

"They billed themselves as the "Lexus of Ladies," but most of them were like used Tempos," he quipped. "Would you want to shell out the top bucks for some skank with stretch marks and biker tattoos? I rest my case."

Los Angeles, CA) Sylvester Stallone will reprise his role as boxer Rocky Balboa in the sixth segment of the long-running film series; Stallone will write and direct the next film.

"In many ways, the screenplay really took me back to the original 'Rocky,' " Revolution Studios founder Joe Roth said in a statement. "As a past champion, Rocky Balboa is once again a regular guy who has to fight his HMO to get his Viagara covered, and who faces insurmountable deductibles in his quest for a healthy sex life."

Stallone said that the screen persona and his own life are mirrored in many ways.

"Yeah, I had some problems like that," he said. "ED is a hidden shame for many men, and I hope that the new Rocky picture will make more men see their family physicians."

Stallone said that there are many riveting scenes in the new film that will resonate with viewers.

"At one point Rocky is on perpetual hold with his insurer, and he's ready to give up," he said. "Then Paulie comes in and tells him: 'You're better than those bums at Blue Cross,' and Rocky goes on to a climactic duel with an accounts payable clerk. It's a beautiful thing, this new movie."

(Baltimore, MD) Federal authorities questioned "several" people Tuesday in connection with a specific terror threat that prompted Baltimore officials to temporarily close one of two downtown tunnels under Baltimore Harbor.

Details of the exact method of delivery are sketchy at the moment, but federal officials believed that a new type of "dirty bomb" might have been planned for the area.

"It is our understanding that terrorists planned a massive stink bomb, several orders of magnitude than the infamous 2002 Washington Junior High stink bomb," said Kevin Perkins, a spokesman for the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force. "This was a 'silent-but-deadly' device that not only killed, but also tormented its victims in their death throes."

Federal, state and local officials began investigating reports of a tunnel stink bomb plot several weeks ago, and police had anti-stench squads ready to respond to such an attack, said Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich.

He said the state's alert level was not raised because "you don't want to give advance notice to the bad guys," and that "we are talking about a really nasty smell" that would overwhelm the tunnel's ventilation system.

"Remember that time in Scouts when that kid in your tent was cutting the nasty cheese? It's like that, but much worse," said Erlich. "I mean a wicked expulsion of intestinal gas worse than anything ever experienced by the human nose."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—Many Americans in the 1980s were shocked to learn that most U.S. dollar bills contained trace amounts of cocaine as a result of “Me Generation” excess.

Now, twenty years later, a similar study has shown that most of the nation’s hundred dollar bills contain small but discernable quantities of a substance known as Exploitation, mostly from America’s minorities and working poor.

“This is a major breakthrough in the field of currency analysis,” said Dr. Timothy Baxter, a leading analyst at Johns Hopkins University. “Originally, our team was working on ways to insert tiny microchips in U.S. bills to monitor every financial transaction made by Americans, but when we discovered the Exploitation, our team was sent in a whole new direction. Frankly, we thought this stuff went extinct in 1865. It’s a rare find.”

Not all scholars agree with Baxter’s assessment, however, and the debate is gaining considerable momentum on Capitol Hill, where both parties are scrambling to conduct their own studies to possibly refute these findings.

“This whole dialogue is based on one study, and I think publications—even reputable ones [such as the National Nitwit], are jumping the gun here,” explained Jim Wilson, spokesperson of the bi-partisan think-tank Fuck Working People (FWP). “Until more research is conducted, that Exploitation is an unknown variable, nothing more. For all we know, it could Debasement, or Injustice, or Greed particles that have mingled with Corruption molecules.”

Wilson added with a tone of assurance: “I suggest concerned citizens continue with their lives as if nothing has happened, and let special interest groups and the federal process take care of this. We’re almost done with the Katrina quagmire, so we should be able to knock this baby out by Thursday.”

Left: James Doohan, better known as Scotty from "Star Trek"

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) The remains of "Star Trek" actor James "Scotty" Doohan were"beamed down" Sunday, despite his last wishes.

The space cannister included a crudely-written note from unidentified beings.

"Look, I don't care if the old coot was an original Trek cast member," the note read. "We are tired of your planet's jetsam and flotsam ruining the paintjob on our spaceships."

The note continued with an attack on Doohan's acting ability.

"Sure, he had the Scottish brogue and all, but he really was a one-trick Shetland pony," it said. "We might have made an exception for Leonard Nimoy, because we kind of dug that "In Search Of" show, but Scotty was kind of a putz."

The unnamed creatures also ssued a warning.

"If you continue to persist in this behavior, we will be forced into retaliatory action," they wrote. "Let's just say the interstellar septic tank gets mighty nasty after a 10 million light-year trip."

(Los Angeles, CA) Film director Steven Spielberg has signed a deal with gaming firm Electronic Arts to create three new video games.

Spielberg said that he looked forward to the new EA creations.

"I was a little skeptical about Schindler's List going to Playstation, but I was pleasantly surprised with the results," he said. "If players aquire enough lives, they can stage a concentration camp riot and slaughter all the Nazi guards."

Spielberg, director of films such as Jaws and Saving Private Ryan, is an avid gamer. In the past he has lent his talent to gaming companies in the product development stage.

"I figured: Hey! I've got some great stuff here," he said. "I acn't wait to see EA's take on The Color Purple. They're giving Celie a fucking submachine gun."

The deal is seen as a further sign of how Hollywood and the games industry are moving closer together. Spielberg remained optimistic about the future of multi-media.

"Look, any technology that allows me to turn Indiana Jones into a drag queen is just too cool," he said. "That smarmy Harrison Ford can kiss my ass."

(New York) FOX said Wednesday it is cancelling the Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie reality series 'The Simple Life' after the show's two stars no longer proved compatible, and the reaction in the US stock exchange to the news was catastrophic.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 0.4 percent nearly three hours into the session and the broader Standard & Poor's 500 index lost 0.6 percent. The Nasdaq composite lost 0.3 percent.

A Fox spokesperson said its midseason schedule did not have an "appropriate" time slot for the show.

"We did not see a place for 'The Simple Life' on our schedule this season," said Erica Jackson. "Besides, there is no way we could continue working with these idiotic skanks any more."


Ongoing worries about inflation and the economy were in play as well in the selloff, but most investors seemed to be distraught over the cancellation of the Hilton-Richie series.

Hilton remained upbeat about her future.

"I'm really excited about my movie projects, my new album and all my various other business ventures," she told the magazine. "And my new boyfriend just scored a kilo of some uncut Bolivian marching powder, so we are going to go apeshit on a three-week bender. See ya!"

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan called upon the network to restore the series in an effort to stave off "irrational despondency."

"Look, these investors are like a bunch of fucking lemmings," he said. "Just give them back their goddamn show so we can have some stability in the markets."

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

(Washington, DC) A stunning revelation during a White House press conference today found President Bush rescinding his endorsement of Harriet Miers, Supreme Court nominee.

In her place, the president has put forward "One Unruly Mob." The rabble of malcontents, comprised mainly of laborers from the manufacturing and food-service industries, was surprisingly well behaved during the 13-minute announcement.

"I think about the Supreme Court every day," Bush began. "And when these 27 fellas showed up in my Rose Garden yesterday, carrying on about dead civilian babies and the like, I saw an absolutely unpassupable opportunity to patch up the hole in our nation's highest court."

The President went on to explain that he favored the mob's history of well documented political stances to Miers's scant record.

"Some of these folks tell me they're for a higher minimum wage," Bush said. "But they're also willing to back that up with crudely formed weapons. This is just further evidence of their commitment to America. You say that's called a tonfa, Mike?"

While some were clearly put off by the din of low grumbles and numerous fleeting episodes of "stink-eye" that emanated from the mob, Bush was undeterred.

"What we have here is a democracy. That means government by the people," he lectured. "And this unruly mob to my left is just the kind of people we need to turn the Supreme Court around."

It was soon discovered that the political stance of the small crowd on any pertinent issue could be easily divulged by imperiously shouting, "What do we want?" followed-up with an immediate "When do we want it?"

Armed with this knowledge, the press corps had no further patience for the president's notions of jurisprudence, and the conference devolved into a cacophony of Nader-slogans, and jingoistic affronts to Islam.

Left: officers helpless as suspect throws face into their fists

(New Orleans, LA) Several police officers in this post-Katrina city suffered injuries to their hands and feet after an African American man repeatedly threw himself into their fists and boots.

Captain Marlon Defillo identified the patrolmen as Stuart Smith, Lance Schilling and Robert Evangelist.

"We expect that they will make full and complete recoveries," he said. "Most of the injuries occurred when the man's teeth smashed into their hands."

Schilling said that his "life flashed in front of" his eyes.

"Scariest thing I ever saw," he said. "I was just sitting there having a cafe mocha when this face flew right into my fist."

The suspect, 64-year old Robert Davis, then began to spontaneously emit blood.

"I thought to myself: 'I hope he doesn't have hepatitis C,'" said Schilling. "The last thing I need is for this face-throwing lunatic to give me some nasty blood-borne disease."

1370-WSPD host Bob Frantz inspired this report

Left: government health advisor Michael Osterholm

(Washington, DC) The Bush administration yesterday announced that it has updated its plan for the next flu pandemic. The current worry among planners is that the bird flu in Asia could trigger a massive super-flu that could kill up to 1.9 million Americans.

"Our primary concern is that the nation has enough chicken soup, Kleenex, and...let's see...body bags to handle the epidemic," said Michael Osterholm of the University of Minnesota, a government adviser who has a copy of the draft plan. "With a projected death toll in the millions, we will definitely need to ramp up body bag production."

Osterholm said that it was "pointless" to try and develop a vaccine for avian inluenza, since the mutation rate would make any vaccine obsolete before it could be effectively administered.

"Yeah, we're pretty much screwed any way you look at it," he said. "My advice: head for the hills at the first sign of an epidemic, bar your doors, and shoot strangers before they can break into your cabin."

The US government has the anti-influenza drug Tamiflu stockpiled, with enough to treat an estimated 4.3 million people. The production of $100 million worth of a new bird flu vaccine just began, but Osterholm scoffed at the efforts.

"$100 million worth of an obsolete vaccine to treat another 30 million people - whoop-tee-doo!" he laughed. "That still leaves about 260 million Americans basically fucked, not to mention, oh, another 5.9 billion other humans on the planet. Face it - we're doomed."

(Los Angeles, CA) Expectant parents Tom Cruis and Katie Holmes received their first ultrasound pictures yesterday and shared them with National Nitwit.

"We've decided to name the little devil 'Adrian,'" said Cruise. "We've got Katie on a special vitamin formula that will help the baby grow up healthy."

Holmes, looking emaciated, smile wanly for photographers.

"I haven't been feeling very well lately," she said. "Where's Minnie with my herb shake?"

Crusie said that the couple's neighbors have been very supportive.

"The Castevets have been over here almost every day helping out," he said, pouring an unknown powder into Katie's water. "They have been just like family."

Dr. Abraham Sapirstein, Katie's obstetrician, said that sickness is not unusual among fiirst-time moms.

"I think everything is going to turn out just fine; Rosemary - err, I mean Katie -is just a little emotional right now," he said. "I have no doubt that little Adrian is going to grow up an become an important man."

(Fargo, ND) Television host Oprah Winfrey assisted law enforcement officers with the capture of a wanted sex offender.

William Davis, 33, of Wadesville, IN, was arrested in Fargo on Thursday, two days after the talk-show host broadcast his face and offered $100,000 for information leading to his arrest.

Winfrey also assisted in the takedown of the suspect, tackling the runaway convict and smashing his face in the dirt.

"You like that, motherfucker?" screamed Winfrey. "What do you say we just beat the ever-loving shit out of this asshole now, boys?"


Startled state highway patrolmen looked on as Winfrey pulled out a billy club and struck the handcuffed Davis a dozen times on the head, groin, and ribs.

"You like to play rough, huh, faggot!" she screamed, spitting on the cowering Davis. "You're lucky I left my .45 at home, bitch!"

A spokesman for Winfrey said that the talk show host "got a little carried away, but she has no regrets" for breaking 8 of Davis's ribs.

(Redbird, OK) Phillip Calvin McGraw, better known as television's Dr. Phil, made an impromptu visit to the Old Muskogee Diner in this small Kansas town on Tuesday morning.

"He sometimes stops by on weekends, maybe once or twice a month," said Jessie Wilson, who was working the morning shift when the Emmy-nominated celebrity made his entrance. "Shania was showing him to a booth when he noticed the shiner I was sporting from that fight I had with Randy last week."

Wilson said Dr. Phil commented on it immediately.

"He asked me, 'Girl, how're you gonna love that child you're carrying if you don't love yourself enough to leave your abusive shitbag of a husband?'" she said. "I just kind of gasped."

Observers noted that Wilson was visibly rattled by the exchange, her
eyes welling with tears, but Dr. Phil simply wheeled around and marched to
his booth as if nothing untoward had happened.

Unfortunately for the employees and patrons of the Old Muskogee Diner,
unsolicited relationship advice wasn't the only thing on Dr. Phil's agenda.

"He seemed to have an axe to grind with the establishment," said Martin
Holstein, a local plumber who had stopped by for a mid-morning coffee break.
"Anytime something didn't suit his fancy, he gave poor Shania hell."

Holstein said Dr. Phil compalined his eggs were consecutively runny, overscrambled, and "obviously made by a bowlegged retard." When he eventually eschewed eggs for dry wheat toast and black coffee, most assumed the theatrics were over.

Left: Martin Holstein, regular customer

"Not so," explained Holstein. "When he noticed a speck of dust on the rim of his empty coffee mug, Dr. Phil sent the cup sailing across the room where it collided with the rotating pie display case."

The talk show host then complained loudly that fumes from the diner's griddle were giving him "kitchen sickness" as he crushed several servings of fruit preserves in
a clenched fist, according to Holstein.

When the diner staff was unable to comply with his request for several
minutes of complete silence, Dr. Phil stormed out the front door and drove
away in a late model Lexus.

"That Dr. Phil can be one nasty SOB," said Holstein. "Next time he comes in here and pulls that shit, I'm going to show him some tough love, all right."

(Los Angeles, CA) Celebrity couple Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis ended their short period of engagement yesterday.

Latsis said that neither was ready for marriage.

"Yes, I had my own reservations about marriage," he said, "while Paris just can't stay monogamous."

The couple became engaged last spring, when Latsis gave the hotel heiress a 24 cara diamond engagement ring worth a reported $5 million.

Latsis says the parting is "all for the best," given their different personalities.

"I'm kind of a homebody, while Paris likes the orgy scene," he said. "It's tough when one of us prefers the quiet life, but the other is into 4-somes and sauna sex."

Latsis added that there were no hard feelings between the two.

"Paris is a free spirit who just happens to have an incurable need for dozens of sex partners a week," he said. "I could have developed the herpes from someone else in the past, and it just recently flared up."

Left: Madonna sharing secrets of the Kabbalah with Britney Spears

(New York, NY) Rabbi Jacob Immanuel Shochet, renowned Kabbalh specialist, announced the findings of his research into pop star Madonna's name.

"There are two possibilities: 'filthy whore' and 'skanky jezebel,' but I prefer the former," he said. "It more accurately captures the nastiness that is the nafke Madonna."

The pop star, always self-identifying as at least a nominal Catholic, raised eyebrows with her embrace of the Kabbalah, a mystical Jewish tradition that claims to be a key to understanding divine knowledge.

Shochet said that there is little room for error in his findings.

"No matter how you slice it, she comes out pretty vile," he said. "Other possible permutations for that rotten zhlub include 'STD-infested hoe-bag' and 'putrid prostitute.'"

The rabbi took issue with less conservative Kabbalists who have found different interpretations.

"Look, I know all about Schlechem and his 'dirty diva' nonsense," he said. "You can't put polish over shit - Madonna is one disgusting kurva."

(Cambridge, MA) Harvard University President Lawrence Summers announced today that its endowment fund has passed the $25 billion mark, and conceded that "we don't know exactly what we are going to do with all this cash."

Summers noted that the fund has surpassed the wildest dreams of its founders.

"Yeah, the fund is larger than the GNP of 155 countries," he said, waving a wad of T-bills. "Trouble is, we are running out of places to stuff all this dough."

The university, according to Summers, embarked in a "cash-at-any-cost" philosophy in the 1980s, and the hard work of its fundraising arms has been remarkable.

"We pretty much expect every department to become a cash cow, both in terms of revenue and investment," he said, eyes twinkling a pale green. "Scholarship? There's no money in that, is there?"

Investments in equities posted the year's best return, at 34.7 %. Foreign investments achieved the best benchmark performance with a 20.3% return. Summers said that he will pocket "a really phat bonus" this year for the school's financial success.

Sumnmers said that the endowment growth creates many opportunities for the university.

"We only spend 5% on current expenses at the university, so we have a lot left over to play with," he said. "Even after shrinkage by our investment managers, we are still churning out about $5 billion a year that we have absolutely no use for. This is wild!"