National Nitwit

Left: The stand-up stylings of Muhamad

(Rockville, MD) Deliberating for less than five hours, the jury in the John Allen Muhammad brought a speedy close to a trial in which the defendant represented himself.

Jury foreman Nicholas Sprague told National Nitwit reporters that he and the other jurors enjoyed the court proceedings.

"This guy was a riot! For most of the trial we figured he was just trying to make us laugh," he chuckled, wiping away a tear. "Muhamad probably never even watched LA Law or Boston Legal, because he didn't even know many of the legal terms. What a hoot!"

Sprague said that jurors had to frequently ask for permission to leave the courtroom.

"I swear to God it was like watching an old Richard Pryor movie or something," he laughed. "Nobody could be that naturally inept - it had to be a put-on. I mean, who says shit like "prima donna" instead of prima facie or "menorrhea" instead of mens rea unless they are just screwing around? You can't write bullshit better than that!"

The jurors, said Sprague, almost didn't want the hijinks to end.

"Muhamad was hi-fucking-larious," he said. "If he wasn't a cold-blooded killer he could do Vegas."American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Haditha avian flu bird flu

Bonds’ juice-infused arms knock number 715 out of the park

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


(San Francisco, CA)—Barry Bonds, the oft-maligned slugger who finally passed Babe Ruth on the all-time homerun list this weekend with 715, chose to spend Memorial Day taking enough steroids to kill a large pony rather than investing time with friends and family.

Bonds, now in his 21st season, felt his personal sacrifice would benefit the San Francisco Giants franchise despite his frequently neglected roles as a husband and father.

“Yeah, my kids miss me, so the fuck what?” Bonds huffed in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit from his secret workout lair. “They can cry to their Powerwheels and Barbie dolls and Playstations, because this body bought that shit. I got work to do. Don’t have time to sit around cooking hot dogs when I should be doing leg lifts.”

And while Bonds has no shortage of critics among fans, journalists, and even his fellow players, many in San Francisco appreciate his fervent dedication to the sport, even if it may entail drastic and sometimes illicit measures.

“I could care less if his nads shrink up and his head swells like a vodka watermelon,” remarked Joe Cephas, a Bay-area resident who has remained a staunch supporter of Bonds. “Mark my words: years from now, when a small army of nurses are busy wiping his Parkinson’s-ridden ass and feeding him applesauce through a straw, he’ll know he was among the elite of baseball, and baby, that’s all that counts.” American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu bird flu

Left: "Puffy" Gunderschmidt: jes be cool, y'all

(Toledo, OH) Local political science major Jeremy "Puffy" Gunderschmidt swears he knows House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) from someplace besides the TV set.

"Yeah, boy-eee, that nigga be one biznitch freak," said Jeremy "Puffy" Gunderschmidt. "The party jump, with shorty bouncin' that ass. We smokin', straight locin', locked and loaded - somebody gon' die tonight."

Puffy said that the first time he partied with Hastert was in 2004, but he was suspicious of the congressman when he showed up "at da crib.".

"I don't trust a mothafuckin' soul when the D's come they foo. On my first case they told, where I'm from it ain't safe," he said. "But me, I'm a little more flashy a nigga. So chances are, I'ma have to blast me a nigga; I'm on that keflon vest shit, that wild wild west shit."

Hastert, said Puffy, really knew how to keep the "chrome spinners spinnin.'"

"System thumpin', dance floor jumpin'. We thirty deep in this bitch, we stuntin' - thats what you get, you in my hood," he said. "He say: "I'll find your whereabouts and clap at you another day. Nigga play with the bread, get a hole in ya head." I knew that he one black g-unit hoody just reak of marijuana, cocaine comin out his pores in the sauna an' shit."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Hollywood, CA)—With the whole country still reeling from the underdog victory of vocalist Taylor Hicks on the 5th season finale of American Idol last night, host Ryan Seacrest took the opportunity to announce that he will replace Satan as the supreme evil force in the universe as of 2012.

Seacrest, 32, has achieved monumental success in the television industry, and his accolades include his very own talk show, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and guest spots on Larry King Live and Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

It is no surprise, then, given his resume, that Seacrest was destined for a career in cosmic destruction.

“I don’t cackle like I used to, and I can’t do that whippy thing with my tail anymore,” remarked the Dark Prince Lucifer in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitiwit. “I took one look at Seacrest and knew he was my guy—any man who cares that much about his own facial hair is a worthy replacement.”

Seacrest, according to Satan, has all the tools for success in his new role as commander of Hell.

"He has charm, he has charisma, and he really enjoys inflicting pain on others," he said. "Plus, I hear he likes to get jiggy with men as well as women, which is most definitely a requirement here in the underworld. When we get people like Pat Robertson down here - let's see, 2009 he's scheduled to arrive - we have to treat them to 10,000 years of rough man sex."

And while most would be intimidated by a promotion of such spiritual enormity, Seacrest seems to be taking it all in stride.

“Billy, did you know that more people voted last night for my show than for any president in U.S. history?” Seacrest casually remarked while swirling his finger on the rim of a brandy snifter. He paused a moment before adding: “If you give me $5, I’ll tell you what drugs Paula Abdul takes before each taping.” American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu H5N1

Editorial by your Grandma Edna

I've been telling you kids for years to button up those jackets, wear your hats and mittens, but no - you couldn't listen to an old wind-bag like me.

Now that the bird flu is coming, are you going to listen this time? Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyways, because I'm too old to be caring for a dozen relatives sick with bird flu.

Plus, you will all want to watch that those music channels when my shows are on, and I am not going to watch a bunch of sexed-up harlots bumping and grinding on my TV, staring back at me and tempting me to undress in front of your grandfather.

His heart can't take it, and my knees are in bad shape.

1. First off - don't pick up dead animals. I know you kids - especially the boys - have a morbid fascination with dead things, but there's a reason they are dead, so LEAVE THEM ALONE.

2. Next - always wear a scarf, even in summertime. Germs always go for the throat, and if you protect your throat, 99% of germs give up and go over to the neighbor's house.

3. Don't go over to the neighbor's house.

4. Stop swallowing your chewing gum - it takes seven years for a piece of that junk to go throuh your bowels. Mrs. Sanders had a kid who had to get an operation to remove a big wad of that stuff from his gut.

5. Finally - if you do get sick, bury a chicken's foot in the garden. This has worked for me many, many times, like when your mom had the measles. Make sure you get it from the butcher, and wash it with warm, soapy water first.

If you listen to your Grandma once in a while, you might just learn something. Now go wash your hands after petting that filthy dog.American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini avian flu H5N1

Left: Sunny beaches, hard time

(Oranjestad, Aruba) In an effort to leave "no turn unstoned," the Aruban government placed every resident of the island under arrest.

"We are turning the entire island into a giant prison, and from this point forward every citizen should consider themselves under arrest," said Mariaine Croes,
spokesperson for the prosecutor's office. "This way we can say to the world that, yes, Natalie Holloway's killer is locked up."

Croes admitted that conditions in the island prison will not be especially harsh.

"Well, face it - we have a pleasant tropical marine climate and our renowned white sand beaches, so this is not exactly Sing-Sing," she said. "Still, Arubans will only be allowed to go to the casinos once a week, and they must be tucked into bed by 3 am or face additional sanctions."

The island-wide national arrests will continue, Croes said, until "somebody steps up and admits they have been naughty."American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini

Left: Hot with hearing loss

(Chicago, IL) Jeremy Jeeter has been deaf since birth, and has absolutely no hearing in either ear.

This challenge, however, will not deter the 21-year-old from his dream: to become the next American Idol.

"Ah buweeve ah ken sin bettuh den dem udders," he said. "Ah wull nebbeh leh mah disabiddy sluh me don."

Jeeter said that he believes his signature singing style will set him apart from the other Idol hopefuls.

"Awwww bah mah seff, don wanna be, awww bah mah seff, ennymo," he crooned. "Dih you lahk dat? Mah guh fren seh she thin ahm gonna win it aw."

Not everyone is supportive of his dream, said Jeeter. One family member in particular thinks he should give up the dream.

"Mah muddah seh ahm gonna mek a foo uh mah seff," he mused. "Buh she ken kih mah ess, tupih bih." American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Barabaro Bernadini

Left: Horse gets whacked. Hard.

(Baltimore, MD) Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro suffered a .22 caliber bullet to the leg at the start of the Preakness Saturday. The shot came from a Mafia gunman who had two grand on eventual winner Bernardini.

"Look - it's just business," said "Sal," a small-time hood from East Baltimore. "I mean, I feel real bad for the fucking horse and all, but between my bet and the ten grand I got paid, it's been a pretty good day."

Sal said that he plans to parlay his Preakness success into future winnings.

"The only bad thing about today? I coulda played the Trifecta with Sweetnorthernsaint," he said. "But considering I'm walking away with over a hundred grand today, I'm still smiling."

His plans for the rest of the day include "finding me a couple of nice looking hookers, eating a big fucking steak, and drinking until I heave the rest of the steak." American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code

historymike's musings: Drudge Report Duped by "Iran Badges" Story

Left: Inhofe - "What's up with all those signs?"

(Washington, DC) Buoyed by his success in shepherding an English-only law through Congress, Senator James Inhofe turned his sights toward another group that stubbornly refuses to communicate like real Americans - the hearing impaired.

"When those deaf kooks start flashing those hand signals around, I don't know if they're gang bangers or monkeys," said Inhofe. "And when they are doing all that mumbling to themselves, I want to smack them and tell them to be regular Americans."

Inhofe said that assimilation is the key to success in America.

"What do they think they are going to do, keep to themselves?" he asked of the hearing impaired community. "The sooner they get out, mingle a little, and stop feeling sorry for themselves, the faster they'll fit in. Oh, and they gotta get rid of those dorky hearing aids - that's some scary shit."

Inhofe added that he is "really tired" of all the attempts to improve accessibility.

"Oh man - am I ever sick of coddling these whiny, narcissistic disabled types," he groaned. "It's: "I can't walk!" and "I can't hear!" and "I'm paralyzed from the neck down!" all day long. Listen - get off your ass, speak regular English, and quit your bitching. THAT'S the American way. Plus not wearing any of that ghetto clothing, because I'm going after that next. Christ, what's wrong with tan khakis and a nice, clean shirt?" American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code

Left: Inhofe - "Speak English, dammit!"

(Washington, DC) In conjunction with rising anti-immigrant sentiment and a slew of immigration reform proposals, the US Senate voted to force fast food chains like Taco Bell to rename all of their Mexican-themed menu items.

"You can't have it both ways," said Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK), an outspoken English-first proponent. "Taco Bell needs to put all of that Mexican crap into plain English so people know what the hell they're eating."

Among the proposed changes, "chalupa" will be replaced by "fried flour thing with junk in it" and "gordita" will now be "folded deal that makes you fat."

Inhofe scoffed at detractors, who claim that the government should not intrude on private corporations.

"Listen - they probably got a million of them illegals working just in the nation's Taco Bells," he said, pouding the table for emphasis. "These Tex-Mex joints are nothing but fronts for the degradtion of white America and the replacement of English with Mexicanese."

Inhofe also sponsored legislation that will require domestic content standards for "foreign" restaurant chains.

"For every beano burrito those chains offer they gotta sell something American, like apple strudels or kielbasa," he said. "How's a kid supposed to know his heritage when they keep shoving that alien food at him all day?" American Idol

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Hollywood, CA)—Jeff Probst, stoic host of the hit reality show Survivor, narrated his own hand-to-hand combat with an out of control Grizzly bear on the set of CBS Studios earlier this morning.

The 19-year-old Grizzly, named Buttercup, was there with her trainer for the taping of a new fall program when she broke free.

“Who will win in this classic melee between man and beast?” Probst inquisitively asked as he jabbed Buttercup in the face with a folding chair. “One lone survivor fighting for his life against nature’s greatest monster. Find out who wins: tonight, at Jeff’s overpriced Beverly Hills apartment.”

Thankfully, CBS was able to film most of the scuffle, and plans to build an hour-long program around the 17 second clip.

“The audio’s not very good, and you can’t tell that it’s Jeff, but that bear is pissed—no doubt about that,” said Maurice Thompson, Executive Producer of the yet-to-be-titled project. “If we get some solid edits done this week, we’ll run it against the season finale of American Idol. Thank God Jeff found that axe—otherwise, we’d all watch Regis Philbin in the Cook Islands next season.” Karl Rove Gadaffi Qadaffi Gaddafi

(Washington, DC) The United States restored full diplomatic relations with Libya today and removed the North African country from its list of state sponsors of terrorism after 27 years.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi indicated that his country will begin on a new program of sponsorship.

"We are very big fans of NASCAR, and we follow the Nextel Cup Series very closely," said Gaddafi. "My personal favorite is Sterling Marlin, although he did say some rather unkind things about Arabs after 9/11."

Gaddafi said that Libya's previous sponsorship of terrorists "just wasn't working out."

"Ideologically, you know, we are close," he admitted. "But where is the return on investment? We gave the Lockerbie bombers almost a half million dollars, and it was like flushing money down the toilet. All we got was bad press, sanctions, and lawsuits, and the bastards didn't even wear our logo like they promised. Bah!"

The decision to invest in NASCAR, said Gaddafi, was a simple one.

"Listen, friend - every lap those gas-guzzling 5.8 liter beasts make is another dime in old Muammar's pocket," he winked. "And when your children get in their own cars and rev their engines at the stoplight, we clean up. It's a win-win-win, sahib."

Gaddafi is hoping that his country can muscle its way into the competitive marketing world of NASCAR.

"Lowe's just announced a multi-year extension of its primary sponsorship of Hendrick Motorsports and the No. 48 Chevrolet driven by Jimmie Johnson," he said. "We believe that Jimmie will come around quick to placing our flag on his Chevy, especially when he sees the petrodollars we will be waving." Karl Rove Gadaffi Gadaffi Gadaffi

Left: Lock and load

(Washington, DC) President Bush is expected to announce Monday night in a televised national speech that members of his family will take on the responsibility of protecting the nation's border with Mexico.

In an exclusive interview with National Nitwit reporters, the President detailed his plan to control illegal immigration.

"Since Congress has chosen to sit on its collective fannies and let the tidal wave of cheap labor come across the border unchecked, the Bush family has pledged to step up and do the job," he said. "Beginning June 1, there will be a member of the Bush family stationed every 50 yards along the Mexican border. Everyone except George P., Noelle, Jeb Jr., and Columba, that is - even though they are technically part of the family, I wouldn't trust them to round up illegals, since they got beaner in their blood."

The President indicated that some members of the First Family expressed reluctance with the plan.

"Barbara and Jenna whined about the lack of nightclubs in the open desert," he said. "And then my mom, Barbara Senior, started giving me a bunch of flack about 80-year-old women and 12-hour workdays. But we'll get the job done, America."

There are a few details to be worked out in the border patrol pla, added the President.

"We have to keep Neil away from any confiscated cash, and Noelle the hell away from any coke or heroin that is siezed," he admitted. "And since the border's about 2000 miles long, we'll have to call in a lot of third cousins and ex-wives, but by God we will rise to the challenge."Karl+Rove

National Nitwit White House Correspondent Inez Locarro

(Washington, DC) It is clear that Tony Snow was not hired to be a glib and lying bastard in the tradition of most White House press secretaries.

It is also evident that Snow's job will be much like his previous job at FOX - to defend the President and to attack those who disagree with him.

That, people, makes Tony Snow the perfect choice as press secretary.

The Washington press corps has come to expect that the press secretary will hand us a bag of well-rehearsed lies that will make us groan and dig for the truth. Yesterday, though, we witnessed the beginning of a new epoch in American politics -the ignorant press secretary.

Snow was completely useless in answering the questions of reporters. It was as if Bush officials decided to put a mildly retarded White House janitor out to face the reporters.

And it worked! We actually felt sorry for the clueless Snow, who did everything but drool to convince us that he knew nothing.

The new strategy seems to be that the White House wants to project an image of complete incompetence as opposed to its previous reputation as a bunch of scheming, lying sleazebags who would sell their own mothers for a $100 grand.

It's sort of a "kinder, gentler" administration, except that it's more like an "oafish, imbecilic" group in charge.

I kind of like that. Feeble-minded politicians are a lot less likely to steal from us, sell our jobs overseas, or get us into another war.

Left: The good, the bad, and the tired

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Hollywood, CA)—After six decades in the entertainment industry, Clint Eastwood’s penis announced earlier this morning that it was retiring from professional life, and that it had lost the motivation and spunk to perform.

Many—including Eastwood himself and several young film groupies—were shocked and saddened by this revelation.

“I’ve had a long and joyous career attached to this great man,” the penis stated. “But let’s face facts: I’m 76 years old, and it’s time to hang up my spurs. Shit, it’s a miracle I don’t piss on myself at night.”

In an age marked by introspective and emotionally overwrought male acting, Eastwood’s penis reminds many movie fans of a nobler ‘macho’ tradition.

But surprisingly, Eastwood’s second wife, Dina Ruiz, agrees with the decision.

“This is the right move at the right time,” Ruiz commented in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “I feel like I’ve been banging Skeletor for the past ten years, so maybe we can finally give up the sex and live like normally married people: bitter and aloof.” Karl Rove

Left: Author Dan Brown, hard at work

(New York) Dan Brown, whose novel The Da Vinci Code spawned a lawsuit, a blockbuster movie, and a boycott by Catholics, revealed to National Nitwit reporters that he is working on a sequel to the best-selling book.

Tentatively entitled Peter the Butch, the novel details the coverup behind a purported love affair between Saint Peter and Saint John.

Brown detailed some of the evidence he is using to support his hypothesis.

"First off, look at the very phallic name - 'Peter,' which needs no further explanation," he said. "Why would Jesus give him such a name unless it represented some facet of his personality, such as that he was a fudge-packing homo?"

Brown next turned to the incident at the Lake of Gennesaret, where Jesus first met the apostle.

"Christ said: 'Follow me, and I will make you 'fishers of men,' which is obviously some sort of shorthand for 'cruising the Judean gay bars,'" he said. "And the whole deal with being denied before the cock crows? I'm not quite sure about the "crowing" part, but the cock reference is a dead givewaway to Peter's secret life."

The author acknowledged that many Christians will likely resist his interpretations.

"Being gay is something some Christians really struggle with, and they will be angry when they read that "The Rock" is really a reference to Peter's legendary shaft," said Brown. "But why else would Peter only hang around with eleven other dudes, and get so bitchy with a hottie like Mary Magdalene? The guy simply liked hairy, tight male butts. Is that so wrong?" Day 24

Left: The REAL Subcomandante, not that made-up Zapatista crap

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Marcos, the Mexican Zapatista rebel leader, has latched on to an ugly clash last week between the police and farmers outside the capital to revive his flagging campaign for a socialist movement that he hopes will topple the government.

News of the Marcos strategy angered Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit.

"This guy has been aping my every move for almost 15 years," said Bob, whose last name is an umpronounceable sound. "It's about time I go down to Chiapas and settle this once and for all."

Subcomandante Bob said that the Marcos character began appropriating his name "around 1993."

"I have been the world's only Subcomandante for well nigh three decades," he said, pausing to wet his whistle from a pint of Stolichnaya. "I'll be damned if some two-bit communist is going to steal my name. Besides, when I hear "Marcos," all I can think about is Imelda and her skanky shoes. What kind of an idiot uses a tainted name like "Marcos," anyway? That would be like me calling myself something sick "Jeffrey Dahmer" or "Harry Potter" or something."

Bob believes that the Marcos character will soon fade back into oblivion.

"If not, I will lead the Mexican peasants myself. We will storm the capitol and demand reforms," he said. "The first thing we will do is kick that moron Sammy Hagar right the fuck out of Cabo San Lucas. We will arrest him and try him for fraud, as he has been pretending to be someone with talent for thirty years. Justice shall be mine!" David Blaine

(Washington, DC) Angered by what they call "misleading and hurtful characterization," a group representing the nation's sock puppets has been formed to combat misperceptions.

Called Sock Puppets United to Negate Knockaboutery (SPUNK), the group is launching a media blitz to improve the public image of the fabric figures.

"We are fed up with being lumped with Interent frauds and Bush administration lackeys," said 'Spazz,' a group spokesock. "We have lives and families of our own, and most of us can carry on an argument without someone putting words in our cotton mouths."

The term "sock puppet" began to be used in a derogatory fashion in the 1990s in UseNet groups, said Spazz.

"But it's time to reclaim our name," he said. "For far too long the term "sock puppet" has been appropriated by mean people, and..."

The face of Spazz suddenly scrunched up, and he began to speak in a high-pitched screech.

"HI! I'M MR. PLATYPUS! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CANDY?" he hollered.

Returning to normal, Spazz apologized for the outburst.

"I think I have some sort of Tourette's disorder," he said. "That kind of stuff seems to just happen. I can't explain it." Loretta Nall

Left: In, out, in, out...

(New York) Illusionist David Blaine, who is spending seven-days submerged in a water-filled sphere, caused shrieks among bystanders when he showed them some fish-like appendages he has developed during his underwater stunt.

"I thought that the wrinkled skin was bad, but growing gills was something I hadn't planned on," said Blaine. "I'm not sure if I am getting any oxygen through these yet, but the sensation of water in my lungs is way uncool."

Blaine will end his challenge on Monday with an attempt to break the world record for holding breath under water, which currently stands at eight minutes, 58 seconds. He said that he is not sure if his new breathing apparatus will disqualify him from consideration for the record.

Left: Blaine, the freak-meister

"I'm not going to use them, but if I pass out I can't guarantee they won't kick in," he said, flapping his webbed hands as he begged for a fish. "The bigger question is whether chicks will want to get freaky with my new dorsal fin. That would be wild, brother."

Previous Blaine stunts have included being encased in ice for 62 hours, being suspended above London's River Thames in a glass box for 44 days, and spending 35 hours on a 100-foot-high pillar that was only two feet wide. Blaine said that he has already decided on his next stunt should he survive this one.

"I am going to challenge Tom Cruise to a placenta-eating contest," he said. "Tom thinks he is the baddest of all bad asses, but I am going to chow two placentas for every one he wolfs down. I bet that twit can't scarf more than two before puking." Loretta Nall

Left: Georgetown University Hospital

(Washington, DC) Due to a recent spike in addiction among members of the Kennedy family, Georgetown University Hospital will break ground on a new Kennedy Rehab facility to handle the volume of intakes.

Dr. M. Joy Drass, president and CEO of Georgetown University Hospital, said that the move makes sound financial sense.

"Kennedy family insurers will appreciate the consolidation of services into one facility, as well as the economy of scale that goes along with such consolidation," she said. "Plus, the trust fund is about dry, and none of these bastards is ever going to pay any charges not picked up by the insurers. This will allow us to write off Kennedy debts without necessarily incurring the costs that we used see when they came one at a time."

Kennedy family spokesman Brian O'Connor applauded the move.

"With so many Kennedys in rehab, holidays can be a real bitch," he said. "This way The Kennedys can have family get-togethers in the new wing, and the 8-10 Kennedys in rehab at any given time won't have to miss out. Hey - these cats are born to party."

Left: "The line was this big, dude!"

Rep. Patrick Kennedy, who just announced his latest trip to rehab, also praised the hospital's foresight and innovation.

"I am due to get out in 90 days, just when they plan to have the new wing open for business," he said, wiping a trace of white powder from his nose. "That means they will be ready when I take my next narcotic nosedive. It's good to know that Georgetown will be there for me when I fuck up again. I only wish Michael and David Kennedy could be here to get help, or to at least score some cheap Demerol. Man, that shit is the fa-zizzle!"

Left: Bush and Goss

CIA Director Porter Goss resigned unexpectedly Friday, leaving behind an agency still battling to recover from the scars of intelligence failures before America's worst terrorist attack and faulty information that formed the US rationale for invading Iraq.

Goss will next travel to Broadway in the production "Faith Healer," which tells the story of dissolute, charismatic Frank Hardy, his long-time lover, and his devoted manager who travel the back roads of Scotland and Wales peddling miracles.

"I have been doing much the same sort of sleight-of-hand at the CIA, so the role of Frank Hardy is perfect for me," said Goss.

Left: Goss as Frank Hardy in "Faith Healer"

Brian Friel's 1979 play is constructed as a series of monologues, revealing highly individual, sometimes conflicting takes on a set of circumstances.

"That's another area in which my job as CIA director meshed well with this role," said Goss. "Despite the obvious intelligence failures with regard to WMD, we had to take that conflicted information and present it in a way that the public would believe it."

President Bush thanked Goss for his service.

"As a result of Porter Goss this country will be more secure," Bush said. "We've got to win the war on terror, and Porter needs to work on his step-kick." Stephen Colbert

(Buckhannon, WV) A lit cigar near the mouth of the Sago Mine probably ignited flatulence-related methane gas and caused the explosion that killed 12 miners, a consultant hired by the mine owner said Wednesday.

"We all want to blame the big corporations, but let's face it - the diets of these miners generated massive quantities of methane," said Thomas Novak, a Virginia Tech mining professor hired by International Coal Group Inc. to investigate the blast. "These fellers were living on borrowed time due to their love of Bush's Baked Beans."

Once inside, the flame traveled along a steel conveyor belt hanging from a metal mesh roof support, stopping just feet away from the sealed-off section where the blast occurred.

"These brave men - God rest their souls - never knew what hit them," said Novak. "Their own intestinal gas negated any intestinal fortitude these poor miners had."

Though some families of the fallen miners see ICG's theory as plausible, many have questioned it.

"I just don't know; I mean I know Jack could rip some wicked wind, but enough to kill himself?" asked Jerry Percival, a relative of a fallen miner. "Ole Jack could create some ripe rectal reflexes, but I have trouble buying this theory." Stephen COlbert

(New Orleans, LA) Mayor Ray Nagin unveiled a new evacuation strategy for New Orleans today that relies more on buses, trains, and footpower and eliminates the Superdome and Convention Center as shelters.

Dubbed "Operation Get The Fuck Out," the strategy is based upon the premise that the last place Big Easy residents would want to be is in "a stinking, deadly shithole."

"Let's face it - after Hurricane Katrina only utter retards will be stupid enough to stay here," said Nagin. "At the first hint of hurricane trouble, we will urge everyone to get right the fuck out."

Nagin said the cost of implementation will be relatively inexpensive.

"Nobody is going to want to get stuck in New Orleans again," he said. "I imagine that only 10 or 15 ads screaming "Get The Fuck Out" should be enough to convince the citizenry."

Left: Nagin in practice drill telling motorists they should definitely get the fuck out

One of the downfalls of the previos pre-Katrina plans was its lack of urgency.

"If we had said "Get The Fuck Out" in the first 18 hours, many lives would have been saved," said Nagin. "A campaign like "Get The Fuck Out" is direct, simple, and will result in people, indeed, getting right the fuck out of town." Stephen COlbert

(Redlands, CA) Fed up with what he calls "freeloading greasers," local resident David Gibbs outlined a proposal for a counter-protest.

Entitled "Un Día Sin Contribuyentes" (A Day Without Taxpayers), the protest would focus on the "hard-working white people" who pay the freight for the "welfare cheats, lazy busboys, and shifty-looking low-riders" Gibbs believes make up the vast majority of the nation's illegal immigrant population.

"If our tax money didn't roll in for a day, the entire fucking country would shut down," Gibbs told National Nitwit reporters. "These beaners need to know who's paying the way, you know what I mean?"

Gibbs said that his protest is not racist in nature.

"Look, as long as they get the french fries cooked and keep my grass at the right height, I have no problem with Mexicans," he said. "But when they start with the fist-waving and all that happy horseshit, I gotta draw the line."

Modeled after "Un Día Sin Inmigrantes" ("A Day Without Immigrants"), Gibbs's protest will be based upon grassroots action.

"The only problem is that us white people are too busy working to march," he said from his poolside chair. "I'm thinking that we could boycott Taco Bell or something to start, or not clap when somebody like Esteban Loaiza takes the mound. But the big thing is to withhold one day's worth of taxes. Once Pedro sees a cut in his ADC money, he'll change his tune." Stephen COlbert