National Nitwit

(Dallas, TX) A Dallas-area serial killer, whose preparation for previous murders found him visiting multiple hardware stores, told reporters today that home improvement megastore Home Depot "flat-out puts the competition to shame."

Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, expressed his satisfaction with the international retailer.

"When I killed that housewife in Arlington last year, I had to go to five different places before I found the kind of tarp I wanted," he recalled. "A guy like me doesn't need that kind of face time, you know? Home Depot lets me get right in and right the hell out without getting noticed."

Sheehan said that the store's diverse inventory is also an important factor.

"A guy could wear himself out trying to cut femurs with the type of hacksaws or wood-cutter saws you get at most hardware stores," he said. "Home Depot has an excellent collection of heavy duty professional bone cutting saws with replaceable 18-1/2" blades that work beautifully, even on the most wriggly and uncooperative duct-taped victims."

Among the items Sheehan recently found in the 140,000-square foot Home Depot Supercenter were tanning supplies.

"They had this polymerized aluminum salt concoction that eliminated the problems associated with traditional tannins, like short shelf life and lack of skin stretch," he said. "After I carved up this real estate agent I kidnapped last month near McKinney, I couldn't believe the nice, white-colored skin that I wound up with. It had excellent stretch and was pliable, just perfect for mounting on my trophy wall. Bitch almost looked likelike, except for the fact that her head and torso were on opposite sides of the den. Heh."

Labels: Home Depot, serial killer, Texas

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Thompson: Calm, Collected, and as Witless as a Drunk Badger

(Washington, D.C.)—Fred Thompson, the former dark horse Senator and Law & Order star whose recent presidential candidacy has shaken the Republican party, make a shocking announcement this morning when he announced that a team of eight Jewish script writers would collectively serve as his vice presidential running mate.

“I know this may seem unprecedented,” Thompson calmly explained to a packed room of reporters in his warm Southern drawl. “But after great deliberation, and the realization that I say some pretty dumb shit when I go off-script, I’ve decided these Heeb writers are the best choice for my candidacy as well as the American people.”

Thompson, who served a nine-year stint as a Tennessee senator and has played District Attorney Arthur Branch on Law & Order for nearly half a decade, has drawn many warranted comparisons to Ronald Reagan.

Unlike Reagan, however, Thompson refuses to choose a single running mate, and his rogue tactics may prove unsettling for many conservative voters.

“I know what you’re thinking—this goes against tradition and the Constitution, yada yada. But I’ve got news for you,” Thompson intoned as he straightened his towering frame and shook his right fist. “If Al Qaeda strikes and one of these matzah-chomping Hofstra grads dies in the attack, there’s seven more just like ‘em. And they’re not gonna be sitting around pissing and whining like Al Gore. No sir. They’ll be writing my next great speech, getting my laundry, waxing my shoes, and maybe if time allows they can finish the sequel to The Hunt for Red October.”

Labels: Fred Thompson, Law and Order

(Indianapolis, IN) Rebecca Gottschalk says that she is "not a prude," but the dead hooker her husband Mark keeps in the basement freezer "has got to go."

"Look - when he was in college, the dead hooker was kind of a joke for him and his friends. Back then, he just had a couch, a big screen, a refrigerator, and the dead hooker in the freezer," she recalled. "It was a total bachelor pad, but the time has come for Mark to grow up and get rid of his dead hooker."

Mrs. Gottschalk said that she is worried about the impression the frozen dead hooker will leave with the couple's two sons, ages 4 and 6.

"Kids are impressionable - they mimic what you do. That's why it's important for them not to see their dad staring at a dead hooker in the freezer," she said. "Already Sean and Harley are asking if they can have their own dead hooker. I tell you - how can you say "no" when Daddy has one?"

Left: Gottschalk laying down the law on the dead hooker in the freezer

The "tipping point" in the dead hooker debate, said Gottschalk, occurred after a recent prank played by her husband Mark.

"It was about midnight, and I crawled into bed. I felt something cold, and when I turned on the light, there was the head of the dead hooker, frozen eyes staring right at me," she said. "Now, I don't have to tell you it scared me silly, seeing a dead hooker's sawed-off head on the pillow next to me. So I told Mark it's either me or the dead hooker, and that he had one week to dump the rest of her remains in the creek. Am I being unreasonable? I think not."

Labels: dead hooker, dead hookers

A National Nitwit Investigative Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Muniz: Could Pass for a Middle School Hall Monitor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Frankie Muniz, the loveable child star of the long-running Fox hit “Malcolm in the Middle” and tweenie films such as “Agent Cody Banks” still looks like a prepubescent elf despite the fast-lane lifestyle of Hollywood stardom.

And with his 22nd birthday swiftly approaching in December, Muniz may ultimately resign himself to that sad cavalcade of ageless child stars that includes Ralph Macchio and Gary Coleman, among others.

“I’m sure this Muniz schmuck is enjoying the torrid escapades of a B-list celebrity, but oi, it must suck going through life looking like that,” remarked Saul Barowitz, a prominent casting director in the greater Los Angeles area. “I mean, can you imagine the poor whores who have to bang this guy every week? They must feel like they’re raping a hobbit every time they climb on top.”

Other Hollywood insiders echoed Barowitz’s analysis of Muniz’s career and dwindling career options.

“On average, I talk to seven different producers a day, and I can’t think of anybody who needs man-child to star opposite a talking dog right now,” explained Kathy Vermeer, an agent specializing in family films. “If Muniz had the acting chops of Leonardo DiCaprio, then sure, the world could wait a decade for his voice to drop and see the first signs of chin scruff. But as it stands…let’s just hope he invested that Malcolm money, because his ass could be doing a production of My Fair Lady in Scranton if he doesn’t grow a pair.”

Advice and thoughts from state government intern Jacob Henderson.

Dear Intern with Sensitive Data on His Laptop:
My husband spends a lot of time away from home, and I am beginning to wonder if there is something "going on." He also makes a lot of late night calls on his cell phone, and had his phone bill sent to his office. Am I missing something? Carol in Syracuse, NY

Dear Sharon:
Let's see, I think I'll have the double caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream... no... maybe I'll have one of those frozen coffee drinks instead... Dang! I left my money on the dresser. I guess it's just a cup of regular coffee, since I only have change on me. Wait a minute - did I bring my laptop with me, or leave it on the front seat of my car? Shoot!


Dear Intern with Sensitive Data on His Laptop:
My 18-year-old son told us that he is gay, and that he wants to move in with his boyfriend. My husband thinks that this is all just a phase, and that he will grow out of it. I'm not so sure, since I caught him wearing his sister's makeup when he was two. Help! Carly and Ken in Westland, MI

Dear Carly and Ken:
Darn it! No hot water in this bathroom, and the soap dispenser is out. Guess I'll have to wipe my hands on toilet paper, that is if there is any in these stalls. Nope! Guess I'll have to get some napkins from the Starbuck's in the concourse. Now, let me think - did I bring my laptop with me into the bathroom, or did I leave it with Kyle over by the Southwest Airlines gate? Sheesh - I'm such a forgetful doofus today!

Dear Intern with Sensitive Data on His Laptop:
My husband does this really gross thing when he gets up in the morning. He turns over in bed, horks up this disgusting mass of phlegm, and spits it into a cup. Then it stays there until I clean it up! I am going crazy here! Beth in Redlands, CA

Dear Beth:
Phew! Finally we are on the plane. It took forever to get through screening, and all we are doing is flying domestic! I can't imagine what it would be like to fly on a foreign flight these days, what with all the extra security. Think I'll play a little Solitaire on my laptop while I am on the flight. Oops! I thought I brought it with me, but I grabbed my briefcase instead. Now did I put my laptop in the overhead, or did I send it with my luggage? Well, I guess I'll have to read one of these boring in-flight magazines until we get back to Columbus. Boy, I think I would actually lose my entire head if it weren't attached by bones and muscles and skin and stuff.

Labels: interns, laptops, sansitive data

(Washington, DC) Former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, for years an inscrutable seer on the economy, is causing a stir by alleging in his new memoir that "the Iraq war is largely about Iraqi hoes."

"Straight up - Bush and Cheney be all about da bitches, fo-shizzle," Greensapn noted. " Cuz when da bitch cuts off yo dick, da face jus be gettin all rusty and shit. And dat shit don't matta whens y'all gots anutha place ta go fo' a good blow. Like Iraq."

Greenspan, who as chairman of the Fed was famous for his tight-lipped reserve, was quite blunt toward the Bush administration in his book The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World.

"A-i-i-e-e-t. I ain't no fuckin' Bush pimp. I knows he wanta be a boomin bitch, but still nobody be diggin' yo nasty funk," he said. "Maybe he jus a crusty ho. Maybe he got da bootie drought 'cause no sista be wantin ta grind his flat-ass, gristley-legged, nasty piece o' Robyn Hoke - got no poke, skank President ass. Only a stupid bitch like Bush be askin' what da hold up is. Jus look in da mirra, y'all."

Greenspan issued a challenge to administration officials who "think they all bad and shit."

"Dont fuck wit dis nigga, I bust yo ass up," he intoned. "Pimp G say we all got the Lexus with tha grill, we commin to kill so when G come to town we got tha trill. Out."

Labels: Alan Greenspan, Bush, Fed, Iraq

(Washington, DC)Embattled Senator Larry Craig, fighting to overturn a conviction in a restroom sex sting, spoke out against accusations that public bathrooms represent nothing more for him than gay sexual encounters.

"Look - for me, there's a lot more happening in your average public restroom than just an anonymous blowjob from a traveling salesman," he noted. "I especially enjoy the smells, like that musky smell of another man's sweaty crotch as I gobble his manmeat."

Craig said that American public restrooms offer "an aesthetic smorgasbord" for the discriminating traveler.

"Take, for example, the acoustics in a terracotta tiled bathroom," he mused. "When I am shooting my wad on some 21-year-old guy's naked back, you can hear the echoed drips as though they were amplified, and there is a particularly gratifying sonic signature to another man's grunt as I drill him in the ass."

There is more to a good public restroom than sounds and smells, added Craig.

"When my perspiration-drenched face is pressed against a cold restroom mirror as some trucker is stuffing my bunghole with his cock, I swear I am almost in paradise," he recalled. "And when I have my tongue shoved halfway up some intern's cum-drenched asshole, let's just say that this is a taste sensation you can never duplicate in the honeymoon suite of the Hilton."

Labels: gay sex, Larry Craig, restroom sex

A National Nitwit Special Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Vegas, NV)—From Britney’s botched lip-synch comeback to a brawl between Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, MTV’s perennial Music Video Awards once again elevated the obtuse spectacle of celebridom on Sunday, further obliterating the channel’s once fervent legacy to cutting edge rock and hip-hop.

Beauty and the Beast on the VMA Red Carpet

“Yeah, I mean, some music got played n’ stuff, but I spent most of the night looking at people’s clothes,” remarked Tina Biggs, a Vegas floozy whose production assistant boyfriend was busy attending to Kanye West’s fickle diet. “That, and about fifteen minutes in I did four lines of coke, so I don’t remember much anyway. But there were a lot of famous people. And sparkles.”

Timbaland was one of the nights few highlights, as he won four awards in various categories and beseeched MTV to play more videos and less low-brow reality programming.

But overall, the evening was another self-congratulatory celebration of all things glitz and glamour.

“You know, I spent thirty hours setting up speakers and mixing boards, and now that this shit is over, I get to stay here and coil cable until 4 a.m.,” huffed Frank DeCurso, an MTV sound engineer. “Whatever happened to Three Dog Night and the Allman Brothers? If I have to hear another fucking rapper spit ‘YEAH UH UH’ into an $800 Shure [microphone], I’m going back to Circuit City.”

Labels: Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, MTV, VMAs

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Bukowski and Scooter: Hetero Life Partners

(Chicago, IL) K-9 Unit officer Rowland Bukowski has enjoyed an impeccable seven-year stint with the Chicago Police Department, and has been a shining example of professionalism and courage to many new recruits.

However, a growing contingency of his fellow veterans are starting to wonder if Bukowski is taking excessive credit for the exploits of his dog, Scooter, who is assuredly the best on the force.

“That dog brought down a huge coke bust last month, but to hear Bukowski tell it, he did it single-handed in slow-mo with his shirt off,” huffed Sgt. Kevin Pank. “If I hear that goddamn story about him tackling a perp one more time, I’m gonna puke blood. That kid was barely 17, and so whacked out he could barely slur his name.”

Other officers shared Pank’s fastidious disparagement.

“Before Bukowski had Scooter, he had this other dog, named King,” explained Officer James Thompson. “King was about as smart as an inbred Mennonite snorting Ajax. Needless to say, Bukowski had one of the worst records on the force. Then boom — he gets Scooter, and all of a sudden he’s like Judge Dredd up in this bitch.”

Thompson paused before offering an ironic anecdote of Bukowski’s ineptitude.

“I never thought I’d have to say this on the record, but Bukowski wouldn’t be shit without that pooch,” bemoaned Thompson. “A few weeks ago we served backup on this vice bust—pretty nasty place over on the South Side. Shots were blazing all around, and where’s Bukowski? Quivering in a corner while Scooter wrestles all these bad guys to the ground; fuckin’ Bukowski left his gun in his cruiser. I don’t have to tell you who was on the evening news that night.”

Labels: canine units, Chicago Police, K-9

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and rapper 50 Cent both plan to lauch new albums on the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attack, according to a New York-based media group.

Bin Laden and 50 Cent have hyped the albums as an epic battle of rap titans, and 50 Cent has said he’d retire if bin Laden's Debt-O-Nation outsells his Curtis CD in their first week out.

"Straight up - if that towel-wearing, locust-eating freak sells more discs than me, my ass is outta here faster than Britney in rehab," said 50. "And homeboy better not say shit else to me talkin' all that mush-mouthed jihad junk, lookin like a Pizza Hut delivery bitch."

Bin Laden took offense at the comments of 50 Cent, and lashed out at his rival.

"America and its allies are massacring us in Palestine, Chechnya, Kashmir and Iraq, and Muslims have the right to attack America in reprisal. A-i-i-i-e-e-et?" he holla back. "And bitch better not be holding out on me, neither, 'cuz I'm from the streets, where most need heat, but I slice a nigga up like some roast beef meat. And shit."

Labels: 50 Cent, Osama bin Laden, September 11

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Bartlett: Devout and Wealthy, with a Dome the Size of Neptune

(Nottingham, MD)— Maryland native Elwood “Bunky” Bartlett is one of the biggest lottery winners in state history, as he is one of only four in the entire nation to purchase a winning ticket in Friday’s Mega Millions jackpot, which was worth a staggering $330 million.

Like many lottery success stories, Bartlett is convinced that his faith was the sole reason he won. But unfortunately his religion is Wicca, a bullshit new-age amalgam of traditional pagan rituals and feel-good earthy platitudes that is more akin to a role-playing game than a valid form of worship.

“My wife and I swung into a liquor store for some post-lunch HoHos and on a whim decided to buy two $5 tickets,” explained Bartlett to a packed room of reporters. “And boom, here I am, looking at a quarter-share of $330 million. So I guess the only logical conclusion is that the Norse earth goddess Francinor escaped from the ice-fortress of Deleth, her evil twin brother, conquered him in a frightful battle of lightning bolts, and rained this fortune down upon me.”

Bartlett remarked that this huge influx of wealth would have little impact on his way of life.

“I know it sounds cheesy, but I’m a simple man, and I don’t see this money changing much,” he intoned. “I’ll still get up every morning, eat a dozen Hot Pockets, shop for vintage Dungeon & Dragons gear on eBay until suppertime and then hold my evening séances with Francinor. And since there aren’t any starving Wicca kids in Africa, I don’t have to feel guilty about hoarding the cash in shoe boxes under my bed.”

Labels: lottery, Maryland, Mega Millions