National Nitwit

(Moscow) President Vladimir Putin boasted Tuesday that Russia has missiles capable of penetrating any missile defense system, Russian news agenicies said.

"Russia has tested missile systems that no one in the world has," the ITAR-Tass, Interfax and RIA Novosti news agencies reported him as saying at a news conference. "No one can match the size and strength of Russian missiles, which can slip right through any attempts to resist our Russian pressure."

Putin believes that other nations should respect Russian missile prowess.

"Yes. We Russians know how to use our fine missiles," he said. "We polish them and keep them ready to proudly stand guard for the world to admire."

Putin said the new missiles were specially designed to create a powerful explosion.

"You will want to stand back when a Russian missile explodes, " he warned. "It's a quite a rush to watch when a Russian missile goes off, but we hold nothing back in the payload."

Putin added that he desires that Russian missiles always stay in their nice, warm Russian silos, rather than chasing after American targets.

"We like to keep our hands on our missiles," he chuckled. \

Left: Rivera's mangled finger

(New York) FOX News host Geraldo Rivera suffered "a really nasty cut" while working on a segment on car bombings in Iraq yesterday.

"I was shuffling some papers during the break when I realized that something was wrong," said Rivera, holding up his index finger for reporters. "Man, that was the bloodiest paper cut I have ever seen."

Rivera joins a growing list of American journalists endangered by the Iraq conflict the past few weeks. ABC's Bob Woodruff, 44, who took over the anchor duties for the weeknight broadcast earlier this month, and ABC cameraman Doug Vogt suffered serious head wounds Sunday in a roadside bomb attack in Taji, north of Baghdad.

Jill Carroll, a 28-year old freelance reporter working primarily for the Christian Science Monitor, was abducted at gunpoint in Baghdad on January 7.

Rivera said that the horror of having an on-air "incident" catapulted him into quick action.

"I realized I had only about 60 seconds before we were going back live," he said. "I ran to the control booth, opened the first aid kit, and got out a flesh-colored Band Aid, making it back to my chair with 10 seconds to spare."

The toughest part of the ordeal, according to Rivera, was "keeping it all together" through the second half of his 30-minute show.

"A couple of times I thought I lost it there," he said, wiping his brow. "I just thank God for giving me the strength to carry on and keep the show on the air."

Laura Bush: Diplomat, Activist, Sex Fiend

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—In a stunning revelation, a source close to the White House has disclosed that the NSA’s domestic eavesdropping program is actually an effort to stem Laura Bush’s addiction to sex hotlines, which has cost American taxpayers a projected $1.2 million dollars since 2000.

The source—who spoke to the National Nitwit only with an assurance of complete anonymity—said that Mrs. Bush’s sexual appetite has become a serious risk to national security.

“This whole wiretapping debate is a complete red herring,” the source revealed. “Mrs. Bush can’t get enough of the 900 numbers—Sultry Co-eds, Late-Nite Fuck-Chat, Chicks With Dicks—personally, I think she needs therapy.”

And while a thorough investigation is still underway, the Associated Press is now reporting that the government’s stated objective to intercept Al Qaeda correspondence has yielded minimal leads in the War on Terror.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan strongly denied the allegations against Mrs. Bush as “wanton partisan hype” in a news conference held yesterday morning.

“This recent slander is an atrocious personal affront to the President and his family,” McClellan rebuffed. “And let me assure the American people one thing: we are not burning Mrs. Bush’s phone records in an oil barrel hidden in a bunker beneath Camp David. Next question.”

(Gaza City, Palestine) The Islamic Resistance Movement (Hamas), which won the Palestinian parliamentary elections, said Friday that it has asked President Mahmoud Abbas to meet in Gaza within two days to discuss the formation of a new cabinet.

The first announced cabinet position was Minister of Car Bombs, which will be held by Ismail Heneya, a senior Hamas leader.

"I say to you - death to infidels," said Heneya. " I say this because this is the sort of cliched statement a person like me should make at a time like this, the day of our great Hamas victory."

The Hamas cabinet announcements came after its landslide win in Wednesday's elections. The group claimed a majority of 76 seats against 43 seats won by Fatah, which is currently led by Abbas.

Also named to a cabinet post was Ghazi Hamad, the new Minister of Improvised Explosives.

"We must be ever vigilant in our stated goal of blowing up everything that reeks of Israeli body odor," said Hamad. "Praise Allah - there can never be a working bus or operational cafe in the West Bank. They must all be blown to tiny bits."

Rounding out the new appointments is Khaled Mashal, Minister of Shrieking and Raised Fists.

"Hamas has never actually done anything productive, but you can be sure our voices shall shriek and our fists will be forever raised in defiance of the imperialist dogs," said Mashal, fist in air. "And there shall be much burning of American flags, my friends!"

(Los Angeles, CA) Buoyed by a similar auction, William Shatner will next put up for bid a set of dried hemorrhoids and a plantar wart recently removed from his left foot.

"I couldn't believe there were people stupid enough to buy this crap," he said. "I have obviously underrated the human capacity for idiocy."

The 74-year-old actor, featured in the ABC TV series Boston Legal, sold his kidney stone to an online gambling website for $25,000. Shatner says that, unlike his first auction, proceeds from this sale will not go to charity.

"Hell no. I am keeping this cash," he said. "My Star Trek royalties don't add up to shit, and my ex-wife gets 60% of my pay from the new series. Habitat for Humanity will just have to find another source of fundraising."

Shatner, famous for playing Captain James T. Kirk, commander of the starship USS Enterprise in the original Star Trek TV series, said that he is working with his physician to find other auctionable materials.

"He thinks my prostate needs to come out, and my adenoids have been bothering me for years," he said. "At this rate I ought to be able to generate a half million or so before I run out of surplus parts."

(Washington) The National Transportation Safety Board yesterday blamed an October 19 2004 of American Connection Flight 5966 crash on the plane's "catastrophic failure to remain airborne."

"Human beings are going to make errors when they are tired," said Duane Woerth, president of the Air Line Pilots Association, the nation's largest pilots union. "But if the fucking plane won't stay in the sky, the most methed-up pilot in the world ain't gonna help."

David A. Castelveter, spokesman for the Air Transport Association, which represents the airline industry, agreed that gravity was a deadly factor.

"FAA work rules ensure a safe environment both for our crews and the flying public," he said. "But that gravity's a real bitch - she doesn't cut any slack."

The acting chairman of the safety board, Mark V. Rosenker, said that even if the pilots were fatigued, the plane's job was to stay aloft.

"Discipline in that cockpit didn't seem to exist," Mr. Rosenker said. "But when a plane falls out of the sky, people are pretty much screwed."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Wilmington, DE)—Nancy Boyd, a life-long resident of Wilmington, Delaware, recently had a spontaneous organism during Tom Selleck’s made-for-TV movie “Jesse Stone: Night Passage,” which premiered earlier this month on CBS.

Selleck—who is best known for his role as Magnum P.I.—has remained an international sex symbol for three decades due to his trademark mustache and smooth delivery.

And while Jim Boyd, her husband, was unavailable for comment at press time, preliminary reports indicate this is Mrs. Boyd’s first orgasm since her 27th wedding anniversary in May 2004.

“I was sitting on the couch when it happened,” revealed Mrs. Boyd. “Jim was in the kitchen making tea, and before I knew what hit me, my hands got clammy and I lost all sensation in my toes. I didn’t know whether to grab a towel or pray for a second one.”

(Los Angeles, CA) The condition of comatose Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has shown no change, hospital officials said today.

"He is still in a serious condition and stable," a spokesman for Jerusalem's Hadassah hospital said on Sunday. "The old bastard is still clinging to life, but his days are numbered."

The failure of the Israeli leader to die has not deterred Hollywood filmmakers from planning a bio-pic.

Daily Variety reports DreamWorks Pictures has picked up a comedy-drama pitch on the life of Ariel Sharon from Ben Stiller, writer-director Rawson Marshall Thurber and producer Stuart Cornfeld, who worked together on the surprise hit Dodgeball last year.

It is expected that John Goodman will play the role of the portly Israeli general-PM.


"Yeah, John's got most of the qualifications: he's fat, he's a bit of a wild man, and he has slaughtered Palestinians in refugee camps," said Stiller. "Well, we're still trying to verify the whole slaughtering angle, but in every other way it's a dream casting."

Goodman believes that the diverse roles he has played will lend themselves well to his ability to employ method acting.

"The good thing is I only have to add about 30 pounds to play Sharon," he said. "The bad thing is my Hebrew sucks, and is limited to shit like "matzah balls" and "mandelbread."

Other actors already cast include Owen Wilson as Deputy Premier Ehud Olmert and Robert DeNiro as Mahmoud Abbas, president of the Palestinian Authority.

"We also got Cameron Diaz to commit to playing this carefree physician who all the major players in the Middle East fall in love with," said Stiller of the film, which is tentatively titled Something About Sharon. "So it's not quite non-fiction, but the crazy hijinks that get going whren Brett Favre shows up at the peace talks are just hilarious!"

(Detroit, MI) Facing declining sales in a poor automobile market increasingly driven by alternative fuel technologies, GM rolled out a new model it believes will address a variety of consumer demands.

Tentatively called the "Rockrolet," the new gas-foot hybrid should have broad appeal among potential car buyers.

"For one - it gets great mileage, since human foot-power provides most of the energy needed to operate it," said General Motors Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner. "Plus, the use of feet as a braking device cuts down on maintenance. Shoes are a helluva lot cheaper than new brake pads."

Health benefits are another plus for the new Rockrolet.

"You can really work up a sweat moving one of these bad boys," said Waggoner. "I'll bet you could lose five pounds a week if you drove one of these babies to work every day."

The car's simple deign also means lower production overhead.

"You got some logs and some animal skins for the body, and the labor to build one of these suckers is about 1/10 that of an SUV," said Waggoner. "I think we are entering a new era of stripped-down transportation for a growing demographic of poorly-paid, unskilled workers."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Ellis Island, NY)—After months of behind-the-scenes jockeying by the Bush Administration, the National Park Service has rechristened the Statue of Liberty “Freedom Bitch,” in a move that is sure to raise a firestorm of controversy in the coming weeks.

The copper statue—originally dubbed “Liberty Enlightening the World”—was the centerpiece of America’s centennial celebration in 1886, and was seen as a supreme gesture of goodwill between the U.S. and France.

However, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan offered some compelling rhetoric for the name change during a news conference yesterday afternoon.

“Let me assure you: the President appreciates the powerful legacy of this national monument,” McClellan explained, “but ‘liberty’ has like, a revolutionary feel. Have you seen our approval ratings? If people start taking it to the streets, we’re fucked—I’m talkin’ Lyndon Johnson fucked.”

Several neo-conservative think-tanks have also aggressively supported this ideological shift.

“Look: we’re at war, case closed,” boomed Frank Parker, founder of the American Heritage Foundation. “The new name has attitude. Nothing will strike more fear into the hearts of terrorists than a spiky-haired, pyromaniac chick. And if that means pissing off Frenchy, so be it.”

Left: Abu Mu's'ab A-Zarqawi, AKA "Fifty Dinar."

(Damadola, Pakistan) The successful debut of the poetry of al Qaeda operative Ayman al-Zawahiri caused leaders of the terrorist organization to release a complialtion disc of terror rappers.

Prominent on the collection is the work of al-Qaeda's leader in Iraq, Abu Mu's'ab A-Zarqawi, known in "terrap" circles as "Fifty Dinar." Below is an excerpt from the Fifty Dinar song "In My Iraqi Hood":

Mullahs screw they face up at me
On some real shit son, they don't want pork
I cock that, aim that shit out the window
Spray, there ain't a shell left in my heat
Ya'll mullahs better lay down, yeah I mean stay down
Get hit with a K round, ya ass ain't gon' make it
You mullahs gon' get layed out in blood and ya brains out
Have you on the concrete, shiverin' and shakin'
I'm from Fallujah mothafucka, where the gats explode
If you feel like you on fire, boy drop and roll

Praise Allah!

Zarqawi/Fifty Dinar said that he hopes to bring the message of jihad to a new and younger audience through his raps, and with the production work of Dr. Dre.

"It’s dope. It’s the best experience I’ve had making music, period," said Fifty Dinar. "With Dre, he’ll play the music and I’ll pick whatever I want. And he’s got a whole heap of music — a bunch of shit. And he’ll say, ‘Yo, you know what? I think it would be iller if you said this one part like this or made this like this.’ He’ll take your words and come up with a way to record it."

Fifty Dinar said that terrap was a natural choice for him.

"I ain’t got no Plan B. I ain’t never had no job before," he said. "My plan wasn’t working. I’ve never even had working papers before. So it was either this or hustling. So I had to do my thing."

Left: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei

(Teheran) The world cannot deter the will of the Iranian people to pursue its nuclear program, the country's supreme religious leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Wednesday, according to the official IRNA news agency.

"The West knows very well that we are not seeking to build nuclear weapons," Khamenei said in a meeting with Tajikistan's president, Emomali Rahmonov. "We want to build consumer goods, like microwaves and SnackMasters, and we need enriched uranium for these products. What? You think your American microwaves are blasting your PopTarts with electricity? What a bunch of saps."

The comments were the first by Ayatollah Khamenei reported publicly since last week, when Iran defied an agreement with Britain, France and Germany and broke internationally monitored seals at its nuclear site in Natanz to resume research activities.

Khamenei detailed other peaceful uses for the uranium.

"We do this funny thing when Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan visits," he chuckled. "We drop a piece down his shorts and wait until after sundown to see his crown jewels light up. It's a regular riot, let me tell you."

Left: Iranian engineers hope to build the perfect glow necklace with enriched uranium

Khamenei warned that if the case is sent to the Security Council, Iran will retaliate by banning United Nations inspectors from visiting its sites. He reiterated Iran's peaceful intentions.

"Look - what we really want to get into - if you really must know - is that concert glow-necklace industry," he said, holding up a prototype. "When I saw the Stones last year, some vendor sold me a cheap ass necklace that went dark in like ninety minutes. With enriched uranium cores, we will produce a novelty item with a half-life of a hundred thousand fucking years. How's that for quality?"

The latest in Bob's saga to collect the $1,000,000 Microsoft Lottery prize promised to him by an email. Here is the most recent letter from the "lottery" officials:

Dear Subcommandante Bob [sic]:

In your best interest
to aviod [sic] mix up of numbers and names of any kind, we request that you
keep the entire details of your award strictly from public notice until
the process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your
funds remitted to your account.
This is part of our security protocol
to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by
participants/nonparticipants of this program.

Please contact our
claims department immediately for due processing and remittance of
your prize money to a designated account of your choice:

To file for
your claim,please contact.
***********************************************
DR. ROY HANS (MICROSOFT
CLAIMS DEPARTMENT).
AMSTERDAM-NETHERLANDS.
Email:
winninglottofile@netscape.net
Tel.:+31-633785383.

And here is Bob's response:


Dear Dr. Roy:

I am so happy that I won! Were it not for the timely appearance of a restroom, I might have had an accident.

Please tell me how to claim my $1,000,000 prize. This is the best thing that ever happened to me, except maybe for that time when a part of me got stuck in, well, a place it shouldn't have been and the firemen helped me get it out, God bless them!

Anyways, I remain,

Cordially yours,

Subcomandante Bob

(New York) With the Super Bowl just weeks away, the Rolling Stones added a new member to the band - character actor Wilford Brimley, who will play bass for the group.

"Wilford and I go back a long ways, and we figured he would blend right in with the band," said Mick Jagger. "He has always looked 65, and we just sort of caught up to him. Plus, all those Quaker Oats he used to eat leave him in excellent physical shape, although you don't want to be in a closed room with his flatulent ass."

The band's recent North American tour was the highest-grossing tour of all time, with figures from US trade publication Pollstar showing the group sold tickets worth $162 million in the US in 2005. Jagger believes that the addition of Brimley will also be a smart marketing move.

"Look - we never really draw well from the 60-and-older set," he said. "There is big money in the shuffleboard circuit."

Brimley believes that he will be an asset to the Stones, and he said he looks forward to the Super Bowl show in Detroit.

"I was a horseshoer. Used to shoe horses for Montie Montana's spotted horse when he was hawking Weber bread," he said. "Montie and his family came out West in a wagon train, you know. Um - what the hell was the question?"

By National Nitwit correspondent Raphael Dahomey

(Kuwait City) Sheik Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah, the emir of Kuwait and one of the United States' closest Mideast allies, was buried Sunday in a ceremony attended by thousands of citizens who mourned the death of an the Gulf ruler.

A surprise came when the will of the emir was read to family members gathered in the office of the late monarch's lawyer.

"I, Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath all my worldly good to Corey Haim," read the attorney aloud. "That guy was really cool!"

A shocked crown prince Sheik Saad Al Abdullah Al Sabah denounced the testament.

"I hope that fucker burns in hell for a million years," he cursed. "And after I helped him get out of that mess with the dead boy in his bedroom last year; just goes to show that blood don't mean jack shit after all."

The new emir watched from a wheelchair as the body of his distant cousin was wrapped in a Kuwaiti flag.

"Why don't you burn him in the flag, too?" jeered Al Sabah. "Back-stabbing, boy-hungry pedophile!"

Haim, whose breakthrough came when he snagged one of the major roles in Joel Schumacher’s "Lost Boys," expressed excitement at the news.

"Man, that is totally bitching," he said, rubbing his hands. "I've got coke and smack dealers all over Orange County calling my ass - word sure gets around fast in this town. Hey - how long do you think it will take me to blow through an $80 billion inheritance?"

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, received an email notice that he won $1,000,000 in a "Microsoft Lottery" yesterday.

Bob received another notice today from the commission:

REFERENCE NUMBER: LSLUK/2031/8161/04
BATCH NUMBER:
14/011/IPD

Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you
for being part of our promotions program.

Sincerely Yours,
MRS.
ELIZABETH MOUS.
THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR

Bob spoke out against "the naysayers and unbelievers" who downplayed his million-dollar winnings.

"This is proof that I am not a complete loser," he said, clutching the email. "My wildest dreams have come true, and I can't wait to get my hands on that loot."

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, received an email notice that he won $1,000,000 in a "Microsoft Lottery" today.

"I am so excited!" shouted an inebriated Subcomandante Bob. "Imagine me - a homeless waif in the middle of the Rust Belt - winning something like this!"

Bob plans to spend the money on "a new convertible, two cases of Stolichnaya, and whatever happens after these two factors come together."

Here is the text of the confirmation letter:

FROM: THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
MICROSOFT EMAIL LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
Microsoft B.V. Boeing
Avenue 44 9459 PE Schiphol-Rijk.

REFERENCE NUMBER: LSLUK/2031/8161/04
BATCH NUMBER: 14/011/IPD

RESULTS FOR CATEGORY "A" DRAWS
Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice,the results of the
First Category draws of MICROSOFT LOTTERY INT.
We are happy to inform
you that you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is
part of our promotional draws held on 5th december 2005. Participants
were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000
email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America,
Asia, Australia,Europe, Middle East, and Oceania as part of
ourInternational Promotions Program.

Your e-mail address, attached to
ticket number 50941465206-529, with serial number 5772-54 drew the
lucky numbers 3-4-17-28-35-44 and consequently won in the First
Category.
You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of
1,000,000.00 (One million United State dollars), which is the winning
payout for Category A winners. This is from the total prize money from
2,000,000 shared among the 2 winners in this category CONGRATULATIONS!
Your fund is now deposited with the paying Bank.

A few of the requirements to claim the prize could be problematic, though.

"They want a bank account number, which is kind of an issue for me," he said. "My pal Nick is usually who I consult on banking matters, and he doesn't exactly use account numbers, if you know what I mean."

Here is the text of Bob's reply letter:

I am so excited! I never win ANYTHING!

Here is my information:


MICROSOFT LOTTERY

CLAIM OFFICE
32 Palmstraat, 1015 AE Amsterdam,
The Netherlands.
Tel.:+31-633 785 383. FAX.+31-847 506 277.
CLAIM/ VERIFICATION APPRAISAL FORM No: PLI/02/-638
Your application for the claim of your lottery winning prize will be duly processed for settlement and swift credit be made upon the verification and certification approval. Hence, carefully fill out the attached form appropriately in the column provided below to facilitate our immediate commencement of your claim processing.


FULL NAME OF BENEFICIARY: Subcomandante Bob (my last name is an unpronounceable sound)
ADDRESS: Cherry Street Mission for the Homeless
CITY/STATE: Toledo, OH
COUNTRY: USA
ZIP CODE: 43624
NATIONALITY: USA! USA! USA!
SEX: Male (most days - get me liquored up, though, and anything can happen, fella)
MARITAL STATUS: Divorced (it's a long story, but it involves guns and hamsters)
E-mail: codependentcollegian@yahoo.com
OCCUPATION: editor, panhandler
PRIVATE TEL: Still working on getting one

FAX: Hey - if I ain't got a phone, what makes you fuckers think I have a fax?
DATE OF BIRTH: May 5, 1974
NEXT OF KIN: none that I know of, heh heh.

Bob will keep you apprised of his success in claiming his money in upcoming posts. If you don't see where this is going, check out Ebola Monkey Man for an idea.

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba)—After three years of dehumanizing conditions and seeming indifference from the international community, the Arab detainees at Guantanamo Bay finally have something to celebrate: their very own Subway® franchise.

This is the first time in recorded history that a U.S. restaurant chain has opened a branch in a hostile militarized zone (apart from the Vatican McDonalds), but company executives are optimistic that their gamble will pay huge dividends in 2006.

And while many critics have blasted this decision as “a crass, opportunist power-play,” the prisoners are clearly energized by the diverse, low-fat menu they now enjoy.

“Jared is an inspiration, pure and simple,” remarked a plump Abu Al Meroli, an Afghan prisoner who was captured in late 2003 smuggling explosives across the Pakistani border. “I’ve eaten nothing but carbs, carbs, carbs for the past 24 months, so it will do wonders for my self-esteem to have a lo-cal turkey wrap to start my day, every day.”



The new menu has also eased tensions for prison guards, who often endure 12-hour shifts for weeks without the comforts of home and family.

“I tell ya, these subs have worked wonders around this joint,” stated Sgt. Bob Harker, a reservist from Oklahoma. “For two years we had to beat these terrorist fucks with belts and smear them with horse shit just to keep them passive. But now when they smell oregano-and-herb Italian bread baking in the mess tent, they’re calmer than a litter of retarded kittens. All I can say is, may God bless the Earl of Sandwich.”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—In a stirring show of feigned indignation and graphic masochism, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay repeatedly smashed his penis once again in a sliding glass door to assert his “unequivocal innocence to the American people” after he was indicted last year with a felony conspiracy charge for an alleged finance scheme.

DeLay used the same publicity-gathering behavior in an earlier press conference.

DeLay — who has been a leading House Republican for over a decade—has a reputation for outspokenness, and it shocked few on Capitol Hill that the Majority Leader would vehemently defend himself from what he saw as “uncharacteristically partisan Democrats distorting the judicial process.”

However, few Washington insiders had any idea that DeLay would be willing to once again sacrifice his own body as a means to symbolically assert his innocence.

Once again removing his scarred organ from his trousers, DeLay turned to reporters.

“D.A. Ronnie Earle’s indictment is baseless, unsupportable, and myopic,” DeLay groaned, as he rhythmically bashed the upper shaft of his penis in a sliding door jamb at his Texas ranch, and leading members of the press stared in horror. “You see this bruised mass of man-meat? Do you? Let my message to be clear: whatever these liberal ideologues dish out, I can take. And that’s a promise.”

DeLay paused briefly before adding, “Shit, I’ll have this puppy bleeding by lunchtime.”

(New York) Stock in the parent company of seafood maker Chicken of the Sea fell 37% yesterday amid news that that avian bird flu was detected in Canada.

Longtime spokesman Charley Tuna expressed unhappiness with the market raction.

"We just TASTE like chicken," he said. "Tuna live in the ocean, you nimrods. We can no more catch avian flu than we can smallpox."

The bird flu strain found in Chilliwack, BC, last week is not the H5N1 strain that has world health experts worried about a global pandemic, after at least 65 people died in Asia since 2003.

"I am beginning to regret ever signing on with this company," said Tuna, wiping kelp off his glasses. "I am a paraiah in the maritime community, and I don't have lungs, so my land opportunities are pretty slim."

Chicken of the Sea is one of the oldest seafood companies in the United States. Tri-Marine International and Edmund Gann sold their 50 percent interest in Chicken of the Sea to Thai Union International, Inc. in 2000.

Tuna remains doubtful that the seafood company will bounce back.

"Look at Jack-in-the-Box: can you honestly say that you can think of that company without thinking of dead children?" he asked. "The Starkist marketing people are probably already coming up with a new campaign with pigs or cows to get rid of the "chicken" association. I am pretty much screwed as a spokesman."

A National Nitwit Special Feature with Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor

(Undisclosed Location)—Though Subcomandante Bob and I receive thousands of letters a week here at the National Nitwit headquarters, we rarely have time to respond due to the hectic pace of journalism. However, I would like to make a special exception and offer a public response to a moving and heartfelt missive from a confused reader.

Dear Subcomandante and Mr. Pilgrim:

Last year I fell in love with a co-worker after several months of dating, and our relationship has grown quite serious. She has dropped several hints lately that she would welcome an engagement ring, but much to my discomfort, she is a widow, having lost her husband in the invasion of Iraq, early 2003. What should I do?
Yours,

Lost in Louisville

Dear Lost:

I totally understand your misgivings. Clearly you love this woman, but the prospect of getting some dead guy’s sloppy seconds is quite unappealing. By the way, was he a Marine? I hear Marines get really dirty in the sack. She may be used to having maple syrup poured on her naughty bits. But I digress.

You need to follow your heart. More importantly, you need to find a picture of this chick’s mother, because that is a close approximation of what she’ll look like in 30 years. If she has flabby ta-ta’s and a tank ass, I’d bail and move to Oregon.

If the mom is smokin’, you have a serious problem on your hands. The way I used to deal with my problems was to put some Asian porno in the ol’ Beta-Max, drink about 19 lagers, and wake up around 3 p.m. to pick the broken shards of an ashtray out of my feet. I don’t recommend that route. Thanks to rehab, I now meditate to resolve personal issues, which is much healthier. And cheaper. Since December, I’ve only lost two toes to loan sharks. That, my friend, is progress.

Ultimately, you need to ask yourself one critical question: can you live with a ghost watching you pee every morning? If the answer is yes—then sir, you are a far better man than I.

Collegially,

Billy Pilgrim

(Washington, DC) A family in the nation's capitol was attacked by a robotic vacuum cleaner Wednesday. Roomba, the first automatic vacuum available in the US, is a vacuum cleaner that uses robotic technology to clean floors.

For the Henderson family, however, the Roomba is a psychotic killer 13 inches in diameter and lighter than a bowling ball.

"It just sat there and stared at us with those beady little red laser-eyes," said Barb Henderson. "Then it kept playing this creepy little "doo-doo-doo-doo" song. We were scared out of our minds."

Roomba uses AI algorithms to clean efficiently and was developed by by iRobot, pioneers in artificial intelligence who have built products for the US military. Henderson said that the Roomba can be adapted to clean more than floors.

"I think that the 'clean house' command for Roomba is interpreted to mean 'kill all humans,' because it cornered us for three hours," said Henderson. "We were afraid to move."

“Since introducing Roomba last year, we have had a great response from consumers who are eager to automate tedious housework,” said Greg White, executive vice president and general manager of iRobot Consumer Robots. “We have had very few problems with Roombas switching to assassin mode."

White believes that the Hendersons were unfortunate victims of a software error.

"Both the Roomba and a military stealth robot, the 'Boomba,' are produced in the same factory," said White. "We apologize for the mixup."

(Washington, DC) Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito carefully navigates his way through Senate confirmation hearings, as Democratic senators brought forth documents they believe may derail his candidacy.

"Americans have no better answers than they did at the outset of the hearings," said Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass. "I am therefore introducing this document, which we will label PS-10. This is a 1959 note from Alito to a Sandy Habercamp in Miss Harper's class."

Kennedy waved the note for dramatic effect.

"I shall quote from it: 'Dear Sandy - do you like me? Miss Harper is a witch!'" said Kennedy. "These I believe to be code words for 'I am against Roe v. Wade.'"

Other senators quickly jumped into the fray.

" His responses to the PS-10 document are vague, inconsistent, and at times, contradictory testimony to what his record shows," added Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, the committee's ranking Democrat. "Clearly this note shows that Alito considers women to be objects for entertainment, and his derisive comments toward Miss Harper suggest a latent misogyny."

Sen. Russ Feingold pressed Alito on whether he actually wrote that Miss Harper was a witch.

"So you don't recall whether you wrote that or not?" Feingold asked. "How convenient; let me refresh your memory, sir. The note also says that Jimmy Powell eats boogers and wipes them on the pages of the science book. I suppose you have no recollection of that, either?"

Continuing before Alito could respond, Feingold argued that the note sheds ominous light on Alito's views.

"This subversive spying on a classmate clearly indicates that Mr. Alito agrees with President Bush decision to order wiretaps without warrants as part of the so-called war on terror," said Feingold. "As such, I urge all liberty-minded senators to cast a "No" vote on Mr. Alito's nomination."

(Amsterdam, Netherlands) Politicians from the state of Louisiana, which was devastated by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, began a tour of the Netherlands on Tuesday to learn from the experience of the Dutch.

"One of the things I noticed straight off is that we need some of those Dutch kids with the dike-plugging fingers," delegation spokesman Adam Sharp told reporters late on Monday. "If we'd have had some of those dike-pluggers, maybe the Ninth Ward never would have been flooded."

The U.S. delegation, led by Senator Mary Landrieu, will tour Dutch flood control systems and study the country's water management plans to try to take home some ideas from the Dutch.

"Whoa - this hashish went straight to my head," said Landrieu, steadying herself after a massive bong hit. "What the fuck was I saying? Oh yeah, like, floods and stuff."

At least 1,300 people in Louisiana and Mississippi were killed in the storm, while tens of thousands of buildings were destroyed. Landrieu said that the US government is committed to rebuilding the levee-control system that protects New Orleans.

"Dikes ...heh heh... that's a funny word," mused Landrieu. "Yeah, I want to spend some time checking out the dikes in New Orleans. What, exactly, IS this shit, anyways?"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Milwaukee, WI)—Faith-driven rock band Messiah Shroud had a disturbing moment of clarity after observing their fan base at a club performance late Saturday night.

According to eye witness reports, there were approximately 30 people in attendance, most of whom were teenage girls between the ages of 12 and 17.

“I can’t believe I quit playing the bar scene for this bullshit,” remarked lead guitarist James Xavier between drags off his Parliament menthol backstage. “I can’t even flirt with these young-ass groupies, dude—I’m on probation for another three months.”

Sources close to the group cite vocalist Zach Evans as the driving force behind the band’s musical makeover, which began in late 2004 after he attended a church retreat. Formerly known as Banished Moon, the quintet sacrificed a lucrative contract with an independent label to change their format from hallucinogen-inspired emo-thrash to Christian metal.

“This is so lame,” huffed bassist Ian McCormack after the two-song encore. “Did you see those kids? I think one girl had a Sponge Bob shirt on. At this rate, I’m never gonna have a threesome.”

(Moscow) Russian President Vladimir Putin addressed reporters yesterday regarding controversial gas problems.

"We think that much of the gut bomb problem is Russian borscht," he said. "That cabbage soup is very highfiber, and it can really create some noxious fumes."

Since Europe still has no alternative to Russia's gas, it must learn to live with Russia's peculiar habits as a political and commercial partner.

"Look - we can really get the flatulence going," said Putin, lifting a leg to blast a backdoor trumpet. "Europe is just going to have to deal with the fact that Russian gas is not going away."

Environmentalists, however, argue that it is more important to control rectal turbulence at its source than to address it after the fact.

“If the UK is serious about Russian gas we should start eradicating cabbage,” said Greenpeace’s chief scientific adviser, Dr Douglas Parr. "My guess is that many Europeans secretly love the smell of Russian ass thunder."

Putin remained dedicated to getting Europeans to accommodate the national pasttime.

"Butt yodeling is part of the Russian national psyche," he said, ripping off another crop duster. "The rest of Europe has got to deal with the fact that no one can make methane like we can."

(Washington, DC) Televangelist Pat Robertson, fresh from pronouncing a divine source for the stroke suffered by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, announced that God has delivered yet another smiting.

Robertson said that a canker sore in the mouth of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian-born head of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, was "God's wrath made manifest."

"Zarqawi has been the mouthpiece of the infidels," said Robertson. "It is only fitting that God should smite him with yet another mighty act."

Sources close to Zarqawi acknolwedged the oral occurrence, and said that the al-Qaeda leader was "resting comfortably and making judicious use of Anbesol."

Robertson said that God will not stop with mouth ailments in dealing with Zarqawi.

"This Saracen can expect hangnails, bunions, and even hemorrhoids as God works his Divine Plan," he said. "Woe unto him who stands in the way of the Lord. I'll just bet God would even give the prick a nasty case of athlete's foot too. Let's see that punk walk throught the fucking desert with foot itch. Ha!"

The 700 Club host said that God is busy seeking out all manner of "pagans and sodomites" for whom smiting is in the immediate future.

"He told me in a vision last night that Michael Moore is going to have a bad run with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, otherwise knoewn as IBS," said Robertson. "And you can be sure that He is looking very closely at that brazen young hussy Lindsay Lohan, too."

(Jerusalem) Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, in critical condition following a second stroke, continued to fight back against the divine action.

"God sent down a mighty smite on Ariel Sharon for dividing his land," said television evangelist Pat Robertson. "I just don't understand why that fat bastard hasn't died, though. Usually when you get a Godsmack, that's it. Done. End of story."

Sharon, 77, remains in a Jerusalem hospital after suffering the severe stroke. He was breathing with the aid of a ventilator after doctors operated to stop the bleeding in his brain this morning.

Robertson remained upbeat that the divine retribution would prevail.

"I'm sure God is just about ready to send another lightning bolt or something," he said. "What's the point in letting Sharon live? He can go right back out and give away God's land again."

Robertson, 75, last stirred controversy in August when he called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He criticized Israeli doctors for interfering with divine will.

"This just shows the Jews are heathens," he said. "Of course, considering that they murdered Jesus Christ, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that these shifty bastards are up to no good."

(Los Angeles, CA) Fitness guru Richard Simmons, producer of dozens of themed exercise videos, unveiled a new disc with a timely theme.

Entitled "Sweatin' With The Miners," Simmons' video focuses on the aerobic value of a high carbon monoxide environment.

"OK - step, down, step, jump, gas mask on!" shouted Simmons in a promotional trailer. "Cave-in, on the floor, hold your breath, TURN BLUE!"

Simmons dismissed criticism that the video exploited the recent Sago coalmine tragedy.

"Listen, America - you are fat. Hello???" said the ebullient Simmons. "Whatever it takes to get your attention, I am going to do it."

Among the participants in the video - sole Sago survivor Randal McCloy.

"OK, so he's on a ventilator and dialysis. So what? Randy still needs to be thinking about his weight," said Simmons. "The quickest way for Randy to turn into a tub of lard is for him to sit in that hospital bed feeling sorry for himself."

Simmons said that International Coal Group CEO Ben Hatfield will also be in the video.

"Yes, Ben was just a natural for this project," said Simmons. "A big part of obesity is people with false beliefs about themselves, and who knows more about false beliefs than Ben Hatfield?"

Simmons said that Hatfield encourages exhausted exercise participants to keep going.

"Oh, it's fantastic how he can get peoples' spirits up," he said. "Just when they think they can't go on any further, Ben rushes in and tells them that they're alive."

Left: WV Governor Joe Manchin pulling the leg of family members

(Tallmansville, SV) Despair and anger replaced joy early this morning as mine officials announced that, despite earlier accounts, only one of 13 trapped miners survived a West Virginia mining accident.

"Oh man - the looks on the faces of those families were hilarious! They were all like 'Oh, thank you Jesus,'" laughed Ben Hatfield, the CEO of International Coal Group, which owns the Sago Mine. "And when we told them the men were really dead - too funny!"

The only survivor, Randy McCloy Jr., was in critical condition after being transported Mogantown's to West Virginia University Hospital.

"We had Randy pretend to be dead, and then open his eyes and mumble 'BOO!' to his wife," said Hatfield, doubling over in laughter. "The woman almost had a heart attack herself."

Hatfield said the best part of the gag was spoofing the media.

"That Anderson Cooper - what a hoot!" he gasped. "That guy looked like he was gonna kick my ass after he had to go back on and say the miners were really dead. Oh man - I have never laughed so hard in my life!"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Poughkeepsie, NY)—Theresa Quinn, a 43-year-old financial consultant and mother of two, debated taking her own life while waiting to exchange a sweater in an “epic purgatorial mindfuck” queue at Old Navy, a national clothing retailer.

The sweater in question was a present from Ms. Quinn’s estranged mother, Isabelle, who currently lives in Denver, and has sent her daughter ill-sized clothing items for a record-breaking 9 years.

And while Ms. Quinn has no record of mental illness, the post-holiday letdown has all but crippled her emotional capacity.

“I knew as soon as UPS came it was another shitty gift from mommy,” Quinn remarked as she uncomfortably shifter her weight from foot to foot. “I swear to God, if this line doesn’t move soon, I’m going to hang myself with a pair of cargo pants.”

According to eyewitness reports, Ms. Quinn appeared “visibly shaken” moments later when cashier Margo Baxter, 17, closed her register for lunchtime, reducing the store’s efficiency from three lines to two.

“Dude, I thought that lady was gonna drop a box of flared denim on her skull,” revealed Mic Lawson, a local college student who stood behind Ms. Quinn for 45 minutes. “I’ve never seen anyone so distraught over a $13 cardigan in my whole life.”

Left: View from one of the Department of Homeland Security's new Sani-Cams

(Washington, DC) The Bush Administration, under fire for a domestic spying campaign to root out terrorists, announced today that new steps will be taken to uncover terrorist plots.

President Bush outlined one of the techniques that operatives in the Department of Homeland Security will be using.

"Listen - terrorists goota take a dump just like anyone else," he said. "We will now require all public restrooms to be equipped with Sani-Cams to root out covert activity in the nation's restrooms."

Security cameras in Logan International Airport gave Bush the idea.

Left: Atta, moments after doing God only knows what in an airport restroom

"Mohamed Atta was in the Logan terminal restroom for something like nine minutes before boarding Flight 11," he said. "What was he doing in there all that time? Maybe if we had Sani-Cams in Logan on 9-11, the lives of thousands of people might have been saved."

The President said that the Sani-Cams will also have hidden benefits, such as preventing terrorist detonations of deadly stink bombs.

"If any of those terrorist types think they can get jobs at fast food restaurants and forget to wash their hands, they are dead wrong," said Bush. "We will bust their asses fast, long before they can go back into the kitchen and get their E.coli - tainted fingers on the nation's burger buns."

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

Interment plans have been finalized for the remains of civil rights activist Rosa Parks. Parks, who inspired the 1955 bus boycott in Montgomery, AL, and came to embody the struggle for African-American equality, will be turned into a cushioned bench following weeks of public viewing.

The seat will subsequently be installed "near the front" of a Montgomery Municipal transit vehicle, where it will provide respite to weary commuters on the vehicle's daily route.

"She won't find herself any further than three rows back," promised Barry Alfonz, public works mechanic for the city of Montgomery. According to Mr. Alfonz, the first two rows of city busses are now reserved for physically disabled passengers in compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The state of Alabama retained the services of two local taxidermists and an upholsterer to oversee the incorporation of the remains into the bus seat.

" The early plans were pretty ghastly," admitted Lyle Henry, lead taxidermist. "But the city wouldn't commit to a chair bound in leathery human skin."

The new plans call for Parks's ashes to be added to a synthetic slurry that will eventually form the padding around a standard metal frame. A naugahyde cover will then be embroidered with the name "Rosa Parks" and the entire apparatus will be bolted onto the bus floor during a ceremony next month at the municipal garage.

The unusual memorial was proposed and entirely funded by Andre 3000, one half of the hip-hop duo "OutKast," which immortalized the activist with an eponymous single on their 1998 album Aquemini.