National Nitwit

(Wittenburg, Germany) Martin Luther, the German ecclesiastic whose 95 Theses sparked the Protestant Reformation, suddenly reappeared after four and one-half centuries of exile.

Luther surprised world theologians with his worldly concerns.

"Listen - you people have been ripping off my material for hundreds of years," he said in a prepared statement. "I mean, 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God' alone ought to be worth $30 million, especially if Michael Jackson holds the copyright."

Luther's insistence that the Church return to the teachings of the Christ led to the formation of new denominations within Christianity and to the Counter-Reformation, the Catholic reaction to these movements. Luther demanded compensation for his efforts.

"Without me, you all would still be under the yoke of the Papacy," he said. "I understand money was tight in the sixteenth century, but the bill is due and I want to get paid."

Luther, who supposedly died in 1546, said that he actually went into exile.

"I've been working out, eating a lot of high-fiber foods and yogurt," said the 522-year old Luther. "Now is the time for me to recoup some of what I am owed and live a little. Say, how is South Beach this time of year?"

Left: Ageless Dick Clark

(New Orleans, LA) The world’s oldest teenager makes his return, as Dick Clark is taking his place center stage on New Years Eve. This year's festivities will take place in New Orleans, the center of devastating Hurricane Katrina.

"It feels great to be back," said Clark, getting preemptory vaccinations against hepatitis and cholera. "We are going to rock in the new year with all 1,100 of the people who have moved back to the Big Easy."

Due to a stroke Clark was unable to host the show last year. The 77-year old icon said there will be a number of changes in this year's show, which has the title of "Dick Clark's Floatin' and Starvin' New Years Eve."

"Instead of a falling ball we will feature a black New Orleans resident falling from his roof," said Clark. "It's really funny; the dude screams all the way down before falling into a waist-deep toxic soup."


Left: Dancers rehearse the looting sequence

Clark will be joined by American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest, who has a skit with a group of looters.

"It's a dance sequence with real survivors," said Clark. "While grabbing food, clothes, and big-screen TVs, Ryan and the looters dodge hyped-up National Guard troops in a makeshift WalMart parking lot, all to the tune of 'I'm So Excited' by the Pointer Sisters. It's hilarious!"

(New Orleans. LA) Stephen Jarviss last remembers a drink he took on August 28. The rest, he says, is just a blur.

"I'm walking around my city, and I just know it's my fault," he said, tearfully surveying the wreckage. "I've done some crazy shit before when I've been on a bender, but destroy a whole fucking town? My God, I'm in a world of trouble now."

Jarviss, an admitted "alcoholic, coke-aholic, and everything-aholic," said that New Orleans has all the hallmarks of "a world-class Jarviss blackout."

"The last time I lost it I beat up my girlfriend and torched my trailer," he said. "What the hell have I done this time?"

Federal, state, and local officials were more than happy in allowing Jarviss to shoulder the blame.

"Phew! Looked like all the heat was going to land on me," said Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco. "With Jarviss here, we're all in the clear."

Left: Rowling grows tired of series

(London) Get ready Harry Potter fans - JK Rowling unexpectedly announced the release of a new addition to the Hogwarts series.

Harry Potter: Prison Bitch is expected to simultaneously turn off old fans and tap into new markets, said Rowling.

"The little bugger has been asking for it," the author said. "I am so fucking sick of this character that I will do anything to get free."

Rowling, while refusing to disclose the reasons for Potter's incarceration, admitted that some fans will be "shocked beyond recovery."

"Yeah, the young readers are in for some nasty business, but Harry is such an insufferable little bastard that I had to do it," she said. "Now I just have to figure out how to keep him in the gaol, because you just know he's going to cast a spell or something and get his lily-white arse out."

One of Rowling's favorite scenes involves an inmate named Derek.

"I almost could not stop laughing when I had Derek shank Harry with a filed-down chunk of aluminum," she chuckled. "Just the thought of that pompous little shit bleeding on the penitentiary floor was poetic justice."

The author said that she had no regrets about the new direction for the series.

"I should have done this years ago," she said.

(Portland, OR) A homeowner who fended off pesky religious solicitors by punching them in the nose said he learned the tactic by watching television shows such as the Discovery Channel's Shark Week.

"It's like your worst nightmare," Anderson said by phone from his Portland home, calling the incident "an adventure which has made life that much more precious and interesting."

Anderson was at his home near a popular surfing spot near Tillamook Head on Saturday when something grabbed his leg. Realizing it was a Jehovah's Witness, he slugged the predator repeatedly in the nose to get it to loosen its grip.

"It felt like getting clamped in a bear trap," he said. "It was a piercing pain accompanied by annoying pamphlets, and then everything went numb."

Anderson said he learned from television shows that a shark's nose is its most sensitive area, and he figured it would also work on Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Yeah, those crazy bastards can smell a sucker just like sharks smell blood in water," he said. "And once they get ahold of you, they won't let go. It's a damn good thing I watched "Shark Week" to learn the nose-blast technique, or I probably would have converted by now."

Marvin Beitleman, 54, was one of the Witnesses confronted by Anderson.

"Look - we were just passing out tracts," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "There was no reason for him to pop us in the face like that."

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) Thomas Roland set his child free last Monday morning at Baltimore Washington International Airport, during a trip home to see his parents.

"I was flying back to North Carolina to see the folks," said Roland, "and I just decided that I couldn't keep him in captivity any longer."

Roland released Preston, his son of eighteen months, back into the wilds.

"I just set him down with a sippy-cup full of his favorite juice, and a little bag of Cheerios," he said, wiping away a tear. "Then I watched him crawl away through the terminal."

According to Roland, he lacked confidence in his ability to competently father the child, a sentiment echoed by his ex-wife, Loretta.

"Loretta was always telling me what a lousy dad I'd be," he said. "In those moments before boarding, I finally realized that she was right."

Roland maintains that he had "no right to monopolize Preston's precious childhood," opting instead to let him roam free amongst the other babies.

"There was a Chinese kid at the other gate that I saw him playing with before I got on my plane," he said. "Maybe they'll be friends."

Though Roland's parents were initially dismayed when he arrived without their grandson, their shock gave way to cautious optimism.

"We hope that Preston will make better decisions than his father," said Arthur Preston. "But it's not up to us, he's his own man now."

(Jerusalem) Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon underwent heart surgery to find the reason for his mild stroke last week, his doctors said on Monday.

Physicians, however, noted some unusual findings in the four-hour surgery on the 77-year old Sharon.

"The most noteworthy discovery is that Sharon, in fact, does not even have a heart," said Tamir Ben-Hur of the Hadassah hospital. "This helps explain his ability to mow down hundreds of people at the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps in Lebanon in 1982. We always wondered how someone could be so heartless, and now we know."

Blood appears to circulate through Sharon's ice-cold veins through sheer force of will, said physicians.

"The man has an iron constitution, and he is able to consciously control his own blood flow and pressure," said Ben-Hur. "It's the damndest thing."

In the past, Sharon has evaded requests to publicize his medical history, despite his claims that all the examinations attest to his good health and that their publication would worry only his political rivals.

"I can see now why he did not want any of this information to go public," said Ben-Hur, who added that Sharon's blood is "more like anti-freeze" than the normal variety. "A guy lacking a heart might scare away voters, although Bush managed to get reelected while lacking a brain."

(Toledo, OH) If Bob were not passed out right now, he would be trying to cadge a couple of bucks from you.

Since he is, indeed, drunk beyond comprehension, we will offer you holiday greetings.

May your holiday season not involve DUIs, groping your hot cousin in the garage, or a visit by the Department of Homeland Security.

Unless you actually enjoy body cavity searches. In that case, you are a really sick person, and you should be writing for this e-zine.

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—In a stunning show of executive prowess, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that he is releasing a fleet of hover cars—financed by his own personal fortune—for immediate use by city residents.

Most analysts agree that this move will single-handedly squelch the demands of striking transit workers, who paralyzed the city for days before agreeing to return to work yesterday.

“I have tried to be patient, and I have tried to show compassion to these workers,” Bloomberg stated in a polished press conference earlier today. “But I sat at a stoplight for 46 minutes today in the back of my stretch Hummer, and goddamn it, enough’s enough. Behold: the future of New York transportaion!”

With the dramatic flourish of a magician, Bloomberg and several interns opened a vast curtain, revealing dozens of space-age vehicles that gently whirred and teetered mid-air.

Hundreds of reporters exploded with rapturous applause, while one Fox News affiliate waited uncomfortably for someone to respond to his lingering high-five.

“This is a great day for New York,” beamed Ralph Murray, a municipal worker in attendance. “I thought it was pretty awesome when I got to eat nine pints of ice cream in the ’77 blackout, but hover cars? I’m totally gonna spit on some bus drivers in an unemployment line.”

(Minneapolis, MN) Researchers at the University of Minnesota announced preliminary results of a study demonstrating “conclusive evidence” that tooth decay is cause primarily by oxygen.

“Without oxygen, those filthy mouth germs could not breathe,” said Dimity Yankov, director of the university’s dental research institute. “Plus, as the crucial third element in the carbon-hydrogen-oxygen troika, sugars could not even exist without oxygen.”

Yankov said that research subjects in an anaerobic environment demonstrated “near-complete” retardation of tooth decay.

“Unfortunately, they also kept dying; it was most annoying to see the whiny bastards scratching at the windows of the hyperbaric chambers,” he said. “In the next phase we will make sure we screen out oxygen-dependent participants.”

Fossil fuel advocates championed the study’s findings.

“This study provides a definitive first step in rehabilitating the image of carbon dioxide, methane, and other ostracized atmospheric gasses,” said Kerry Seen, a spokesperson for Oxygen Is Lame (OIL). “It’s about time that the American public got the truth about the hot air blown around by greenhouse gas lunatics.”

(Washington, DC) The Department of Homeland Security unveiled revamped proposals to secure the nation's borders.

Included in these proposals: land mines, throat-ripping Rottweilers, and machine gun towers.

"We will do whatever it takes to stop the flood of illegal immigrants into this country," said Secretary Michael Chertoff. "Illegal aliens have no business coming here and taking the shitty jobs taxpaying Americans do not want."

Chertoff also decried the social costs of illegal immigration.

"Have you ever turned on a radio in state like Texas or Florida? It's nothing but Tejano, salsa, and punto music, and you can't find Garth Brooks to save your life," he said. "Plus, do you want your daughter coming home with one of those shifty bastards? I think not."

Mexican President Vicente Fox denounced the US measures, passed by the House of Representatives last Friday, as “shameful."

"Let's just say that Mexicans will still find a way in," he said. "Besides, the cable down here sucks. Can you really blame Mexicans for wanting to go north for more 'Martha Stewart: The Apprentice?'"

The House bill, which passed on a vote of 239-182, includes a proposal to build 1,125 kilometers of additional fence through parts of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas, and would also enlist military and local law enforcement to help stop illegal entrants.

Chertoff urged Americans to stand fast in the fight against illegal immigration.

"We have to maintain long-standing American traditions of mindless xenophobia against immigrants," he said. "Your Irish, your Italians, and your Chinese all got treated like piles of shit in the past; why should Mexicans get it any easier?"

By Billy Pilgrim, Recovering Liquid Luncher and National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—After years of notoriety on Saturday Night Live and several leading film roles, Hollywood jokester Jimmy Fallon has set his sights on literary pursuits, and plans to publish his first novel—which is set amidst the harrowing Bolshevik Revolution of 1917—in early 2006.

Fallon’s publisher, Simon & Schuster, Inc., anticipate that Last Train to Magnitogorsk will be a huge post-holiday blockbuster, and have already distributed three million copies to leading retailers and booksellers around the country.

Never one to shy away from publicity, Fallon was wittily energetic in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit.

“I have always loved how Russians like, talk weird and drink lots of vodka, so I figured: why not write about that?” Fallon revealed in a poolside discussion at his Beverly Hills estate. “But the real catalyst was the word ‘tsar,’ which you can also spell ‘czar.’ I think that’s called a homonym or something…I wrote a song about it if you have a minute.”

However, not everyone in the literary community echoes Fallon’s sophomoric optimism, and many academics question Fallon’s ability to accurately depict historical events.

Dr. William Royce, professor of Slavic studies at the University of Nebraska, had this to say after hearing of Fallon’s novel: “That guy is functionally retarded. I bet you in five years, he’s working parcel pick-up at a Home Depot in Sacramento, right alongside Colin Quinn. He made a movie with Queen Latifah, for Christ’s sake.”

Royce added that Fallon's novel has serious anachronistic flaws.

"Magnitogorsk was a Soviet planned city that did not even exist until 1929," said Royce. "In addition, none of the Romanov daughters were named Anna Kournikova."

(Washington, DC) President Bush, under increasing criticism for the war and problems at home, today unveiled a new strategy for Iraq.

Entitled "Bleed 'Em and Theocracy," the plan integrates changes that have occurred in the Middle East since the US-led invasion of Iraq, which came under the rubric of "Freedom and Democracy."

"Our mission is to embrace the theocratic, mullah-dominated government freely elected by the Iraqi people over the past week," said Bush. "We will now attempt to capitalize on the successes in Iraq and spread theocracy throughout the Middle East."

The "Bleed 'Em" portion of the policy is geared toward Iraqi resources.

"Look - this war has cost the US nearly a quarter trillion dollars, plus the lives of thousands of patriotic American soldiers," said Bush. "If we bleed 'em for oil, those loyal troops will not have died in vain."

Bush added that the new policy may have domestic applications as well.

"We are excited about the possibilities of theocratic philosophy right here at home," he said, holding up a Bible for emphasis. "'Bleed 'Em and Theocracy' might very well be just the medicine to cure the American body politic."

(Teheran, Iran) Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad banned all Western music from Iran's state radio and TV stations on Monday, but later changed his mind on a few "bland" acts.

"Blocking indecent and Western music from the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting is required," said Ahmadinejad in a prepared statement. "However, really crappy bands like Nickelback are OK, since people are lulled into a stupor anytime this corporate excrement gets played."

Western music was first outlawed by the Ayatollah Khomeini soon after the 1979 revolution. Many Iranian musicians went to the West; a thriving Iranian music industry exists today in Los Angeles.

Ahmadinejad said that other bands have also been approved for Iranian audiences.

"We are also making considerations for Fallout Boy, Limp Bizkit, and Slipknot," he said. "These bands are so horrible that people will run right the fuck away from their radios."

The Iranian president said that other decisions on allowing select crappy Western bands will be judged on a case-by-case basis.

"Our criteria is pretty simple: any band that totally sucks to the ear of a Western listener will be allowed," he said. "We have had nominations for Backstreet Boys and the Dave Matthews Band, both of which have tested well in focus groups. These two bands caused listeners to subconsciously reach for the 'off' switch within three seconds of airplay."

By Billy Pilgrim, Former Eggnog Mainliner and National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Grand Rapids, IA)—Forrest Baker relished the opportunity to do some last minute Christmas shopping online this afternoon while his wife Sarah took their two daughters to buy holiday groceries. Little did he realize, however, that he had already heard Bing Crosby’s 1950 album Christmas Greetings a dozen times, and with dead batteries in the stereo remote, it would permeate the house for the next six hours.

“I knew I should have shut that shit off and put on some Queen,” Baker remarked as he nonchalantly browsed flannel shirts at Eddie Bauer’s online store. “I never get to listen to any of my records anymore with the kids romping around. But damn if Crosby can’t make “Rudolph” really swing.”

Since Baker had many last-minute purchases to make—not to mention several utility bills that were nearing their deadline—he simply lost track of time, and found himself humming “White Christmas” approximately every 33 minutes, at times imitating Crosby’s full-throated bass notes.

“Of course, by the time I realized what I had done, it was too late,” Baker revealed as he filed some printed e-receipts. “Sarah had asked me to do the dishes and straighten up, and I knew she was on her way home. I wasn’t gonna risk another blowout over a dirty saucepan.”

However, Sarah Baker questions her husband’s self-disclosed productivity, and suspects his listening material was purely intentional.

“Forrest didn’t do a goddamn thing while we were gone,” Sarah huffed as she violently flung clothes into the dryer. “I asked him to take some time to pay our bills and really clean this place. When I got home, it reeked of pipe tobacco, and all of his old cardigans were strewn on the bedspread. He’s a real catch.”

(Washington, DC) The Bush administration, already reeling from disclousures that the President authorized illegal wiretaps, faced another scandal today. An investigation by the National Nitwit has uncovered evidence that the government has been utilizing other, more sinister methods of surveillance.

Among the findings: government operatives have been using x-ray specs and decoder rings in their efforts to root out terrorists.

"The purpose of these devices is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the United States, our friends and allies," Mr Bush told the nation in his weekly radio address. "At no time have we been using the x-ray specs to scope out bodacious babes."

Despite evidence that Bush's secret spy program disrupted terror plots in the US and abroad, there has been a sense of outrage among politicians in Congress. Bush denied that there has been any unwarranted surveillance.

"This is a highly classified program that is crucial to our national security," he said. "Besides, these Ovaltine decoder rings are really cool. Dick and I were able to read some AIM messages between Zarqawi and an 18-year old Iraqi man, and let's just say that Abu Musab likes 'em young and hairy."


Critics say the devices jeopardize civil liberties, and politicians say the program circumvents the constitutional checks on the White House. Bush disagreed.

"Our mission is to root out terrorism at home and abroad," he said. "These are just tools used by intelligence agencies to gather information. We definitely have not been checking out the hooters on your hot college daughter at Brown when she was walking to class in that skin-tight Abercrombie T-shirt."

(Washington, DC) Facing criticism from politicians on both sides of the political aisle, President Bush today unveiled a plan to rename the Patriot Act into something "easier for people to understand."

"The word 'patriot' reminds too many people about history, which they hated in junior high," said Bush. "By changing the name to the 'Loyal American Act,' we are sure that people will better understand exactly what types of people need to worry: terrorists, drug dealers, and traitors."

President Bush said Saturday that senators who are blocking renewal of the terrorism-fighting act are acting irresponsibly and standing in the way of protecting the country from attack.

"Anyone who stands up against this bill is announcing to the world that they are a worthless piece of terrorist-enabling scum," said Bush. "They obviously smoked too much dope in the 1970s and got infected with the dangerous ideas of liberal professors on radical campuses."

Senate Democrats, with the aid of some Republicans, succeeded Friday in delaying a vote on the bill, which has already been approved by the House. Bush called upon the country to contact their senators.

"I want angry mobs with torches and pick-axes in front of every treasonous senator's house next week," he said. "I want these al-Qaeda supporters to feel the wrath of a ill-informed and flag-waving crowd of real Americans."

Left: AFA's Don Wildmon

(Detroit, MI) The conservative American Family Association says it will reinstate a boycott against the Ford Motor Co. because the automaker plans to continue running advertisements in gay publications.

"Ford has shown itself to be a submissive partner with gay rights activists, and our boycott will drive the company to its knees," AFA Chairman Don Wildmon said. "We, the godly Americans, refuse to bend over and take this passively."

The AFA originally called for a boycott against Ford last spring but suspended the boycott for six months at the request of a group of Ford dealers.

Wildmon said that the group is "sickened" by the company's ad campaigns.

"It's time for all faithful Christians to stand erect, firm, and drive this point home," said Wildmon. "Ford's flaccid response is an affront to decency, and we will no longer allow ourselves to be bound and gagged by this dominant pro-gay agenda."

On Wednesday, Ford said it was not ordering its luxury brands to resume their ads. The company did say that it plans to advertise all of its brands in gay publications in the next year.

Wildmon called upon his organization to rise up to the opportunity.

"We have here a chance to penetrate the opposition and snuff out this evil," said Wildmon, voice rising to a fevered pitch. "No longer will we tentatively reach around and tiptoe out the back door, hoping that the neighbors won't see us."

(Washington, DC) President Bush on Thursday gave up his opposition to a formal, legal ban on 'cruel, inhumane and degrading' treatment of US-held detainees, ceding to strong pressure from Congress.

"It is clear that the American people no longer want us to beat the ever-living shit out of terrorists, even if it means American babies might be killed," said Bush, pounding the podium for effect. "That's all right. We'll just send terrorists to Texas jails, where they aren't too wimpy to deal with murdering thugs."

The initiative, spearheaded by Senator John McCain, met strong resistance in the Bush administration, especially from Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush had threatened to veto the measure as hindering the war on terrorism.

"Hey, no problem. We'll just let the terrorists do whatever they want," said Bush. "Just don't come crying to me when Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi kidnaps your grandmother."

The retreat by Bush is seen by some as a sign that the president is politically weaker than in his first term, when the Republican-controlled Congress rarely defied him on important legislation. Cheney sought an exemption for the CIA, but the White House also conceded on that point.

"Now when Osama shows up in Peoria, Illinois with a dirty bomb, don't blame George W.," said Bush. "Dick and I could have given Osama a little two-fisted love and found out about his plot, but y'all are so worried about civil liberties that I guess we'll have to let Osama nuke every city in the US."

By Billy Pilgrim, Newly Sober National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Baghdad)—In a stunning show of prosecutorial guile, the international team of lawyers charged with bringing Sadam Hussein to justice called God Almighty, the alleged force behind the known universe, as a surprise trial witness earlier this morning.

Several representatives of major news agencies cited the testimony as “totally wicked,” with one exasperated reporter revealing “it was like seeing Elvis-Fucking-Presley, but more spiritual.”

According to a 1986 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica located in the National Nitwit newsroom, this is the first time God himself has appeared since the development of the laser disc.

However, what was most striking for courtroom observers was the candor and directness with which the Almighty spoke.

“I’m missing my weekly bagel-and-juice chess game with Einstein for this, so let’s try to keep things moving, shall we,” God remarked as he crushed the remainder of a Marlboro cigarette on the heel of his left sandal. “Hussein is a sick puppy. Like, stab-his-own-mother-with-a-screwdriver sick. Unfortunately, I’m not giving him prostate cancer for another 13 years, so you need to lock his evil ass up.”

God’s appearance has all but silenced criticism concerning Hussein’s treatment by human rights activists, who have argued for months that the former Iraqi President is himself a victim of cruel and unusual punishment.

“This is truly remarkable,” observed Jared Fitzpatrick of the nonprofit watchdog Justice International. “I guess our pussified agenda truly has no merit.” Fitzpatrick paused a moment before adding, “Did y’all see God’s muttonchops? Them shits was off the hizzle.”

Left: Outgoing Red Cross chief Marsha J. Evans

(Washington, DC) American Red Cross President Marsha Evans, who led the agency through a much criticized response to Hurricane Katrina, resigned yesterday in yet another sign of continuing troubles inside the organization that bears prime responsibility for delivering relief to victims of disasters ranging from storms to terrorist attacks.

Sources within the Red Cross said that differences over operational procedures led to the departure of Evans.

"Blood donations have steadily decreased over the past ten years, and Marsha wanted to go back to our traditional base: addicts and the poor," said one source. "She told the board last week: "AIDS, schmAIDS. We gotta get those blood supplies up if it kills us."

Among the suggestions Evans proffered was a new campaign to woo addicts from for-profit clinics.

"This plan was called 'Smackdown,' and we would provide some high-grade Afghanistani heroin on every return visit," said the anonymous source. "We figured that blood donations would triple within a month, but the tight-assed board wouldn't go for it."

Although the Red Cross is a private, nonprofit charitable organization, it possesses responsibilities on a scale usually associated with governments. In the National Response Plan, the federal government's blueprint for dealing with disasters, the Red Cross is designated as the primary agency responsible for sheltering, feeding, and offering medical care to people after a large man-made or natural emergency.

Evans also fell out of favor with her revised disaster scenario plans.

"Marsha thought that it would be a lot faster just to fly helicopters over disaster zones and dump baskets of $20 bills over the people," said the source. "We figured that we could eliminate entire levels of bureaucracy, and get the help directly to the needy."

By: Rajef Irgupta, National Nitwit Columnist

In his State of the Union address President Bush claimed that in order to reform the defunct Social Security system “everything was on the table, except raising taxes.”

What the politicians are unwilling to admit is that “reforming” social security is like letting go of the wolf which is trying to rip out your throat. You simply cannot let go, and you simply cannot reform Social Security without becoming consumed by the rabid geriatric horde represented by the AARP. In short, the wolf needs to be shot!

It is for this reason that I submit the following solution for this paradox: senior citizens and disabled people should be used as workers in dangerous jobs. The aged would make excellent workers in nuclear power plants, since they would be able to change the fuel rods by hand without the need for safety equipment. We then simply dispose of them once they are too sick from radioactive poisoning, along with the spent fuel rods. The advantage here is two-fold: society gets something from the seniors’ labor and there are fewer social security checks to write.

In addition, we need to consider all the wasted protein that exists in the form of the elderly and the disabled. U.S. foreign aid packages should include barges full of human jetsam sent to places like the Sudan and Ethiopia. These social parasites would be shipped to foreign slaughterhouses, where their freshly butchered meat could be inexpensively marketed to the teeming masses as aged prime rib.

Now, during these tough financial times, we require strong leadership. Principled men who are willing to take on the special interests, like the AARP, and make sure that the old, the feeble, and the invalid do not get more than their fair share.

I salute these men of vision and courage. I hope they are true to their word in considering every option, “except raising taxes,” in order to reform social security, but would it not be better to simply get rid of the program altogether?


Bio: Rajef Irgupta is a frequent contributor to National Review Online, Fortune, and The Wall Street Journal. His recent book Class War: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Scraping the Poor from My Shoes has been praised as “ground-breaking’ by The Heritage Foundation.

Next Month: “Logan’s Run” as a Model for Geriatric Sanctuary

(New York) Child television star Gary Coleman, who achieved short-lived fame in the 1980s television sitcom "Diff'rent Strokes," has been chosen to fill the radio spot held by Howard Stern.

Coleman was a much-hyped mystery guest on Stern's nationwide radio show on Tuesday (October 25), where the actor revealed his will be the voice greeting Stern regulars the morning of January 3 — at least in several of the markets comprising the self-proclaimed King of All Media's syndicated, 27-station kingdom, an empire Stern has spent decades building.

"I am really looking forward to taking over for Howard," said the diminuitive Coleman. "The first thing I am going to do is get that cracker bastard Mr. Drummond on the air and bitch-slap that old pervert."

The choice for a Stern replacement was easy after interviewing Coleman, said Joel Hollander, Infinity's chairman and CEO.

"When we set out to find a replacement for Howard Stern, we took the opportunity to cultivate a wide array of talent, from both in and out of the radio industry," he said. "Coleman was by far the best, and the little fucker can still crack that shit-eating grin."

Coleman said that his deal - worth a reputed $500K a year - will go a long way toward paying bills.

"I stupidly tried to help that crackhead Todd Bridges out when he went nuts, and wound up about a million in the red," he said. "I am going to take that money and buy me a nice house in the suburbs. No more of that crazy city shit for me."

(Philadelphia, PA) President Bush, speaking Monday in the cradle of American democracy, compared Iraq's struggle to the plight of America's founders and praised the war-torn nation about to hold its third election this year.

"I can think of no better place to discuss the rise of a free Iraq than in the heart of Philadelphia, the city where America's democracy was born," Bush told the World Affairs Council of Philadelphia. "The Iraq war is a lot like the Revolutionary War, except with out those fife and drum dudes. Man, those guys are a real stitch."

The birth of democracy is never easy, Bush said.

"No nation in history has made the transition to a free society without facing challenges, setbacks and false starts," he said. "And those 30,000 dead Iraqis should be seen as 'setbacks,' not as real people. Come, on- they are Muslims, for Chrissakes."

About 15 million Iraqis are eligible to vote on a permanent 275-member National Assembly, an election that U.S. officials have said marks another important step on the path to democracy in Iraq.

"The Iraqi people are stepping forward to claim their victory, and they will have it," Bush said. "And anyone who gets in the way of democracy is gonna get a faceful of .50 caliber rounds."

Bush called upon the Itaqis to embrace democracy.

"Listen, you bastards: we didn't travel 12,000 goddamn miles for y'all to get soft on us," he said. "You are going to like democracy, or we are gonna have to kick even more ass."

(Washington, D.C.)—Billy Pilgrim, Rogue Editor of several leading news publications such as Toledo Tales, The National Nitwit, and The Codependent Collegian, offered a formal apology for the stagnation of all three media outlets earlier today, citing his raging addictions to Oxycontin, Yuengling Lager, and Asian pornography. As of press time, Pilgrim was en-route to a private rehabilitation facility at an undisclosed location.

“I would like to thank my brothers-in-arms, particularly Bob and Banfu, for sticking by me during this time of personal crisis,” Pilgrim said at a poorly attended press conference outside an Arby’s restaurant in Washington, D.C. “I am 100% at fault for the decreased hilarity in our publications, and vow, with God as my witness, to redouble my efforts once I get clean and sober. Just let me finish this roast beef sandwich.”

An anonymous source has cited Pilgrim, a former administrative assistant for the Associated Press and mailboy at The Washington Post, for letting his professional obligations slip in recent weeks. This, in turn, has damaged the reputation and chuckle-awesomeness of the aforementioned blogs, leaving his colleagues to reprint some of his older evergreen stories.

“I hope he gets his shit together,” lamented Banfu T. Burnside, his long-time friend and landlord. “He’s thrown up on my couch twice this week. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get tequila and stomach acid out of suede?”

(New York) A spokesbird for the advocacy group CAVE (Cockatiels Affirming Vaccines for Everyone) called the US Centers for Disease Control a "bunch of anti-avian fascists" who would "gladly sacrifice the nation's birds" rather than provide them with bird flu vaccines.

"I know we can be really screechy and we crap all over our cages," said "JJ," a yellow-and-gray cockatiel. "But don't we deserve some protection, too? We at CAVE are beginning to think that the bird flu was genetically engineered to wipe out cockatiels and make room for those nasty parrots."

JJ said that the nation's birds have just as much right to health care as humans.

"OK, so we don't pay taxes, and you have to shell a lot of money for bird food," he said. "Think about the happy times, like when we learn to mimic the music to Donkey Kong and sing it when you are hung over."

A spokesperson for the CDC denied that there is a plot to destroy cockatiels.

"They are going to be wiped out like every other bird, and probably 15% of the human population once the virus mutates," said Dr. Tom Skinner. "However, even if the bird flu just takes out those annoying little squawkers, is that really so bad?"

(Washington, DC) President Bush yesterday refined the Iraq war timetable that he unveiled last week.

"My fellow Americans: we will be in Iraq a long ass time," he told reporters. "There are over 26 million terrorists in Iraq, and frankly 100,000 US soldiers will need a lot of time to hunt them all down."

Bush said that optimistic initial estimates of 2 and 5 years for a US presence changed as conditions in the battlefield "morphed."

"All of you who criticize me need to know one thing: there is no way we could have known that the entire population of Iraq would turn on us like they have," he said. "Remember, they were all dancing in the streets after Sadaam's government fell. How were we supposed to predict that these Iraqi bastards would all turn terrorist on us?"

The president called on his critics to join him in the anti-terrorist campaign.

"We have 26 million terrorists to kill, maim, or arrest," he said. "Instead of all this whining about human rights, why don't y'all grab an M-16 and help the Marines clean out the terrorists threatening America's oil?"

(Washington, DC) Embattled Republican congressman Tom DeLay received more bad news today from legal advisors, who informed him that prosecutors will be seeking new charges.

"We have decided to charge Tom DeLay with being an arrogant fucking prick," said prosecutor Ronnie Earle. "We are still researching this to see if it's actually a crime, but there is no iota of doubt that DeLay is the most pompous dickhead we have ever seen."

DeLay, 58, and two GOP fundraisers, John Colyandro and Jim Ellis, are accused of illegally funneling $190,000 in corporate donations to 2002 Republican candidates for the Texas Legislature.

Earle said that the sheer audacity of the scheme caused him to seek the new charges.

'My God, the guy just sits there with that smug little smirk," he said. "I just want to walk over and bitch-slap that cocky motherfucker. God!"

A judge yesterday dismissed a conspiracy charge Monday against DeLay, but refused to throw out the far more serious allegations of money-laundering. This dashed the congressman's hopes for of reclaiming his post as House majority leader.

"That smarmy bastard needs to be put down like a diseased cur," said Earle. "Look! The fucker did it again! Did you see that shit? He just leered at me and grinned, the little douchebag!"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Baltimore, MD)—Many parishioners at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church finally felt the warmth and miraculous spirit of the holiday season on Sunday when the Advent season officially began. All of this changed later that evening, however, when hundreds of families donated their offspring after a flyer typo broadcasted the congregation’s “Tots For Toys” program to the entire city.

“I’ve never seen so many runny noses in my fucking life,” said Margaret Harrison, 54, a senior member of St. Paul’s choir. “We were cleaning up after our evening service when all these infants were left in the church nave. Next thing I know, there’s a line of haggard mothers screaming for Game Boys.”

St. Paul’s senior pastor John Amherst immediately sent a press release to Baltimore’s main news outlets, but volunteers complain that the damage is, for the time being, irreversible.

“My mom made me rummage our hall closet and bring in all of our old board games to get these people outa here,” lamented Isaac Baxter, 13, between muffled sobs. “I saw two grown men fighting over my sister’s Easy Bake Oven. They don’t even make brownie mix for those things anymore.”

Despite the overwhelming influx of half-starved souls, Pastor Amherst finds some redemption in an otherwise catastrophic situation: “Clearly we can’t feed all these children. That’s a given. But the good news is that church attendance has skyrocketed as a result, and we can finally fill some vacancies in the bell choir.”

Left: Royal Dutch Shell's Jeroen van der Veer

(The Hague) Jeroen van der Veer, CEO of Royal Dutch Shell plc, said that he was "blown away" by the oil company's preliminary quarterly earnings statement.

"I looked at the bottom line and thought: 'holy mother of God!'" he smiled. "I rubbed my eyes and there it was - $100 billion fucking US dollars profit on $200 billion in quarterly sales."

The company's success, said van der Veer, owed nothing to the efforts of its employees.

"Hurricane Katrina was the best thing that ever happened to this company," he said, pausing to wipe drool from his face. "We were inching along at about a $10 billion pace when all hell broke loose. Jesus Christ, I still can't believe this!"

Van der Veer said that the company is still formulating plans for the profit windfall.

"Yeah, there's going to be some massive bonuses to the executive committee," he said, pausing to empty a bottle of Dom Perignon over his secretary's head. "We also have to plan for the retirement of all those execs who are going to be cashing out billion-dollar stock options packages. But - holy shit, I gotta sit down - can you fucking believe this? $100 billion in profits?"

(Washington) The US military acknowledged Friday that it has been using third parties to buy space in Iraqi newspapers for articles designed to counter enemy propaganda.

"We thought we were placing want ads," said a military spokesman. "Jesus, the contracts were in fucking Arabic. You think any of us actually read those little squiggles they call letters?"

The paid-for news stories and allegations that the U.S. Army has been paying Iraqi journalists to produce upbeat accounts about the US effort to crush the Sunni Muslim insurgency have ignited concerns in Washington about possible harm to US credibility. American efforts to create democracy in Iraq include the evolution of an independent free press.

"Hey, what better route to American-style democracy than lining some Iraqi pockets with a little green," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "It's not like you American hacks haven't sold your souls for a little payola."

US Senator John Warner (R-VA) said that while he still has "grave concerns" about the reports of payments to journalists, the United States must fight what he described as "plain factually wrong" information that's "being fed to the Iraqi press" by enemies.

"The disinformation going out in that country is really affecting the effectiveness of what we're achieving," he said. "Those dead Iraqi children keep showing up in every media outlet, and these Iraqi bastards are always whining about food shortages and stupid bullshit like that."

(Toledo, OH) It was a bittersweet day Thursday evening as the Toledo Tales site hit its 10,000th visitor.

"The guy came in, and I was overwhelmed with the excitement of crossing this important blog milestone," said Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Toledo Tales, National Nitwit, and Codependent Collegian. "Then all of a sudden I noticed my bottle of vodka was gone."

The surreal experience of virtual and physical worlds colliding was unsettling, said Bob.

"How in the hell could that thieving bastard have pulled this off?" he asked, head in hands. "It's not like I could have consumed it myself."

The site has a new temporal portal to prevent such events from reoccurring.

"The last thing I need is for some SOB to steal the last of my hooch," said Bob. "If some sucker tries it again, he will find his arm permanently exiled in cyberspace. Bastards!"