National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Hanna-Barbera Productions announced earlier this morning that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 will be the subject of a new animated series next fall.

And while the show is still in development, the intent is to make the traumatic impact of 9/11 more comprehendible for young children.

“Our target demographic is 6 to 11 year olds,” stated Mark Borowski, spokesperson for Hanna-Barbera. “These children have endured the legacy of terrorism without seeing those planes crash repeatedly into the twin towers. Through the magic of cartoons, we hope to change all that.”

Surprisingly, there has been little objection from victims’ families or the Bush Administration, and several networks are already eager to screen a pilot episode.

Left: Test panel of new 9-11 cartoon

“This show will change the way we think about children’s entertainment,” remarked Tina Ping, an Executive Vice President at NBC. “For too long we’ve saturated our youngsters with mindless 'Veggie Tales' and 'Power Rangers.' What better way to teach them about global politics than through crumpling buildings and clouds of ash?”

No name has been chosen for the new show, although characters "Osama da Bomba" and "Jihad Joe" are currently being tested with focus groups.

Left: "I've got a view for you."

(New York) Star Jones Reynolds, co-host of "The View," was barred on Wednesday from the show she helped build into a daytime television fixture, leaving the door open for cross-dressing RuPaul to make his bid to join the cast.

"When I'm onstage and in drag, I'm doing my thing, but when I'm walking down the street, I'm not thinking of my list of achievements," he told National Nitwit reporters. "I'm really just me -- the man I wake up with every day. Nothing will change when I join 'The View.'"

RuPaul said that he would bring an "enlightened political discourse" to the show, in addition to a "much-needed" updating of the lineup.

"Even the gay world is actually really conservative right now, especially regarding men who use femininity as a palette," he said. "Gay culture is wrapped up in acting "straight" and "passing for white." It's not a great time for men who play with femininity, and joining 'The View' would help change some hearts."

Left: RuPaul used red lipstick to mark up this undated photo

The flamboyant entertainer said that he hoped to "bitch-slap the straight-laced vixens" remaining on the show's cast: Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

"The truth is, you can be black; you can be a father or a lover; you can be gay and be everything -- yin-yang/boy-girl/Donny and Marie -- you name it," he said. "And when we acknowledge that, we can acknowledge the God in each person and in ourselves. And Barbara - I am really going to sex you up some day. I'll bet that skeezer hasn't had an orgasm since 1971."

(Gaza City, Palestine) Palestinian militants, surveying their facilities after a visit by the Israeli army, expressed dissatisfaction with the "harmony and balance" of their space.

"By taking a hard look around and opening up our environment to healthy energy - Chi - we can make changes in our work and living space that will create corresponding changes in our life," said spokesman Ghazi Hajj. "The cozy retreat we had envisioned here has actually become a cold, unwelcoming space."

Hajj said that certain aspects of the building's architectural changes have had negative affects on the personal energy of the group.

"The sharp angles of the building have definitely changed our outlook, especially Brother Haseem, who was impaled by a flying shard of metal," he said, pointing to a moaning man in the rubble. "We are thinking of build an arbor in the space, or maybe a landscape with large potted trees to help bring a sense of oneness with nature here."

Left: Hasseem is not feeling a sense of spatial harmony

Hajj said that the group is working with a Feng Shui master in order to build a more holistic facility for members of the paramilitary group.

"We admit that we are not experts in this area, as our day-to-day operations usually involve putting big fucking holes in buildings," said Hajj. "We hope to improve not only the positive Chi in this place, but also to improve our fortunes. The winds of fate have not blown softly in our direction lately."

Left: "And to the Republic of empty cans..."

(Washington, DC) Fueled with overt patriotism after the failure of the Flag Protection Amendment, senators began a new campaign to stamp out "recitational abuse" heaped upon another American symbol - the Pledge of Allegiance.

Sentaor Bill Frist (R-TN), co-sponsor of the proposed amendment, said that the Pledge is "under attack by anti-American forces."

"We have an entire generation of schoolchildren who chant 'I pledge allegiance to the fags and the udder teats of a married cow,'" said Frist. "It is therefore incumbent upon the United States Senate to outlaw such treasonous speech."

Frist said that he has been "shocked and dismayed" over the wide variety of "rhetorical filth" to which the Pledge has been subjected.

"I am particularly appalled by the phrase 'United Snakes of America' that some third-graders in Nashville found so uproariously funny when I was there last year," he said. "This is just the sort of toehold that al-Qaeda needs to destroy our great nation. I, for one, will not sit idly by and watch Osama bin Laden waltz right in and screw the pooch."

Left: "These interest rates are killing us..."

(Afghanistan) As more adjustable rate mortgages (ARM) spike upward, and as housing prices begin to dip, terror leader Osama bin Laden believes the time is right to lock in a low fixed rate on al-Qaeda debts.

"I was a first-time buyer. I was blind. I didn't know what questions to ask," he said of the al-Qaeda ARM, which is now at 11%. "And the mortgage brokers are there telling you what you want to hear just to get you in the mortgage."

Bin Laden said that the rise in interest rates has hurt the terror organization's ability to meet its debt.

"Between the asset freezes and the interest rates, we can hardly afford to buy a case of RPGs," he said, drumming his fingers on the table. "And we have to think about our credit rating. It's hard enough getting a car loan with all the suicide bombers these days - the dealers are afraid they'll have nothing but a burned-out frame to repossess."

Bin Laden added that he worries about smaller terrorist cells and their ability to meet debt service.

“For those on low incomes an increase in interest rates, no matter how small, has a big impact on their ability to keep their heads above water,” he said. “We are dealing increasingly with rising numbers of terrorists who have fallen off the mortgage merry-go-round."

(Seattle, WA) Billionaire investor Warren Buffett's decision to donate a total of $37 billion - most to a foundation started by Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates - drew an astonished response from the software tycoon.

"I knew Warren was getting up there in years, but I didn't think he was freaking senile," laughed Gates. "I mean, I'm happy to take the old bastard's money, but I thought a savvy investor like Warren Buffet would have smelled out my 'charity' scam right away."

Gates said that he almost felt sorry for fleecing the 75-year-old Buffet, whose Berkshire Hathaway firm is one of the world's largest investment brokers.

"We might have to coin a new phrase to describe this kind of deal," he said, shaking his head. "How about: 'Like stealing a fortune from an Alzheimer's patient?'"

The fake philanthropic scheme was hatched, said Gates, in the 1970s and helped generate cash for his fledgling software business.

"Listen - startup capital is harder than hell to get, but everyone wants to throw money at starving children," he said. "I'm not proud of what I've done, but goddammit - I am going to control almost $100 billion in the next five years. That, my friend, is some scary shit."

Left: Conventioneers scoring during lunch break

(Washington, DC) Members of the National Association for Recidivist Crackheads (NARC) awarded the check-cashing/cash advance firm Check-N-Go its "Golden Pipe" for superior service to the nation's crack cocaine users.

NARC president "Tweaky" Williams lauded the company's efforts to provide quick cash to addicts.

"Check-N-Go offers instant access to check cashing, even without ID," said Tweaky, looking over his shoulder for cops. "I lifted this tax refund outta some guy's mailbox last week, and had $300 in my hand in ten minutes. THAT is service, friend."

Another benefit to using Check-N-Go, said the longtime crackhead, are the firm's employees.

"Loretta over at my local Check-N-Go knows me real well, yet she never gives me any shit when I come in with a check that says 'Verna J. Armstrong' or some other impossible name," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Sure, they take 25% off the top, but when a guy needs fast money there's no better place to go."

Tweaky added that the company's employees are usually pretty sympathetic to the plight of drug users.

"Most places throw me out when I start imagining cops in the back room or crazy stuff like that," he said, scratching at bugs under his skin. "But Check-N-Go's not like that; they even pointed a camera away from me once when I started freaking. You don't get that kind of service at Cash-To-You or Check Jones, no sir."

Left: Legendary skill

(Rochelle Park, NJ) Sources close to motorist Todd Langton said the New Jersey resident exhibited "world class dexterity" during a recent road trip up the Garden State Parkway, competing 147 distinct tasks in a five-minute span.

"Todd was definitely in a zone," said front seat passenger Kevin Zorn, of Hackensack. "I have never seen a human being simultaneously drive a car with one knee while eating a Whopper, hitting a joint, and answering his cell phone."

Among the "amazing feats" Langton performed during the stretch was fielding seven phone calls from estranged girlfriend Jessica Hillebrand, whose Acura the group of four young men had procured without expressed authorization.

"Jessie was, like, totally pissed, but Todd kept his cool and answered every call," said Zorn. "Meanwhile he managed open a beer and change the CD while finishing his shake and popping a couple of aspirins. The dude was just incredible."

Left: Jeff Gordon couldn't pull this one

At one point Zorn said he considered "docking him a couple of points" for one maneuver.

"When he sideswiped a guardrail while chugging the beer during Jessica's fourth call I was going to assess a 10-point penalty," admitted Zorn. "But the way he straightened the car out on two wheels with his knees while finishing his french fries was fucking divine. Todd is, indeed, the man."

Left: Did you eat a lot of paint chips as kids, or what?

(Sedona, AZ) Surveying wildfires that continue to move across parts of the the Western United States, veteran fire prevention expert Smokey Bear said that he is "fed up" with human ignorance.

"I've been doing this gig for what, 60 years?" he asked, staring at an out-of-control blaze. "Yet you numb-nutted feebs still insist on throwing lit cigarettes out the car window in the fucking forest, along with all the other acts of incredible stupidity you pull."

Smokey said that he is considering giving up his educational work.

"It's obviously not working, since we have four times as many fires in 2006 as 2005," he said. "I think it would be more effective to adopt a behaviorist approach, where I go out and kick the ever-loving shit out of people who do idiotic things like shoot fireworks in a national park on the 4th of July."

Left: Crack pipes do not belong in the woods

Despite the damage that humans have wrought through their incendiary carelessness, Smokey said that he still likes people.

"Oh yeah, man. When they are not pouring a half-gallon of lighter fluid to ignite a hollow log, or parking their overheated SUVs on top of dry brush, humans are pretty cool," he admitted. "But I swear to God I don't understand how parents can think it's funny to watch their kids dance around the forest with packs of matches."

Smokey paused before continuing.

"That's the kind of brainlessness that will only be fixed by a world class ass-whooping," he said.

Left: What's under the hat, Father?

(New York) Disco group the Village People, seeking to update their look, announced Wednesday that they will be adding an Episcopalian bishop to their cast of gay-themed characters.

"Given the willingness of the US Episcopal Church to embrace gay bishops, we thought it was time to recognize the contributions of clerics," said group member Felipe Rose, who is the Native American character in the group. "Of course, Robbie [the bishop character] is not a real bishop, but he did go to vacation Bible school as a kid."

Rose said that the group considered bringing in a female to play the gay bishop role.

"We had a problem with songs like 'Macho Man,' though," he admitted. "Whenever we would audition a lesbian bishop, the song came across kind of, well, threatening and butch. It just didn't work, you know? It was worse than Britney Spears on Dateline."

The new bishop seems to be adding a new dimension to concerts, added Rose.

"We have him walk out and sprinkle the crowd with holy water during 'In the Navy,'" he said. "The only time it was a problem was when a fan grabbed the vessel and drank it. Robbie got really pissed and smacked him with his scepter. It was a bad scene, but what are you going to do? Some people just can't have a good time without spoiling it for everyone else."

Left: Gilchrist takes a hard look at soccer

(Brownsville, TX) The media attention surrounding the World Cup has many in the Minutemen anti-immigration movement concrened.

Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman Project, said that he believes that the "liberal media is trying to Mex-ify us" by broadcasting soccer.

"Listen - it's always been baseball, football, and basketball in the good old USA," said Gilchrist. "We looked the other way when the Canucks started sneaking hockey across the border, but goddammit - the line has to be drawn someplace."

Gilchirist said that capitulation on the soccer issue will lead to other "degradations of all that is American."

"Before you know it, apple pie will be replaced chimichangas, and we'll all be wearing sombreros instead of John Deere hats," he said. "What's even worse is they're targeting American kids with this stupid sport. Now every Johhny and Jessica wants to be Jose Francisco “Kikin” Fonseca Guzman or Rafael Marquez. This is just sick."

Gilchrist said that illegals crossing the border are the cause of the rise of soccer's popularity.

"Before them Mexican aliens came along, you could count on watching NASCAR or baseball in the summertime," mused Gilchrist. "Now the cable is filled with screaming foreigners and Telemundo ads. I tell you what - it's getting so decent Americans can't even watch TV when they're not watching the border that our government is ignoring."

Left: Al-Noqbaa speaking to reporters about Subway


(New York) Al-Qaeda operatives, facing a shortage of both funds and 2-for-1 coupons, called off a planned order for a New York Subway outlet.

"We were going to order 50 Italian BMTs, but we were about $20 short," said al-Qaeda spokesman Mahmood al-Noqbaa. "The person on the phone was very rude, by the way. I think we shall take our business to Quizno's next time."

Al-Noqbaa said that the group was trying to work with Subway, but the restaurant "totally jerked us around."

"We even offered to pick the ham slices off the BMTs ourselves so they could use the pre-made sandwich preps," he said. "But the manager was a real jerk. He told me to come back when I have ALL the money, not just part of it."

Al-Noqbaa said that the group is considering retaliatory measures for the poor experience.

"I think we will use fake voices on the phone and order a bunch of really time-consuming sandwiches, like the Chicken Parmesan," he said. "They have to toast each one of those to order to melt the mozzerella. We may also call the Board of Health and say we found mouse tails in our sandwiches. May Allah frown upon the owners of this establishment."

Left: Hilliard with baby, before other baby momma show up

(New York) New mother Amanda Petty was shocked to find that her baby daddy Jake Hilliard "up and left last night" to spend Father's Day with another baby momma, Jessica Morton, who lives down the street.

"When I put Jake Jr. to bed he was sleeping on the couch, but when I got up this morning my baby daddy was gone," she cried. "Then I find out that hoe-bag Jessica Morton called him over there to take her to the hospital."

Morton, it appears, thought she was going into labor with the child she claims is Jake's, said Petty.

"What is really messed up is the baby ain't even born yet," said Petty. "How can Jake be a baby daddy when there ain't even a baby to be a daddy to?"

Petty is convinced that Morton faked the entire ordeal.

"She know that Jake is real emotional and compassionate and shit," said Petty. "But she really do this just to spend the day with him. As soon as I find someone to watch Jake Jr. I am going over to that hospital and kick that bitch's ass. Straight up."

Swatting a fly away from Jake Jr.'s head, Petty continued.

"And don't even get me started about what I'm gonna do to Jake," she said.

Left: "I'd grab that Natalie by the hair and..."

(Washington, DC) US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, though a staunch conservative and a war hawk, confided to National Nitwit reporters that he's "totally up for" a sexual liason with country music stars the Dixie Chicks.

"Oh God yes - I'd do each one of them separately, and then bring 'em all together for a crazy-ass bivouac," he said. "Women that hot? Are you nuts - politics don't factor in on a deal like that."

Rumsfeld said that he's not sure which of the three women he most lusts after.

"Natalie's the feisty one, to be sure, which is pretty neat," he said. "Martie's got that classic blond bombshell look, but something about those long legs of Emily just make me crazy. Do I have to pick just one?"

Left: "Eenie, meenie, miney, moe..."

The defense chief said that his wife Joyce was "supportive" of his fantasy, and hopes that the Dixie Chicks will fit Rumsfeld into their busy schedule.

"She's completely cool with the idea," he said, adding that the couple's love life has been "kind of dead" for a number of years. "She did tell me: 'Donald - just don't come home with something nasty.'"

Rumsfeld looked thoughtful for a moment, and turned back to reporters.

"Hey - they might be commie peaceniks, but goddamnit- they're not skanks," he said.

A National Nitwit Exclusive

(New York, NY)—Billy Pilgrim, recovering lager addict and rogue editor of several leading publications, including the National Nitwit, suffered an artistic blow earlier this week when The New York Times panned his recent documentary on internet pornography.

The 4-hour expose entitled Beneath the Slant: Asian Exploitation and the Capitalism of Sex premiered to a small but rapt audience at PS 403 in downtown Baltimore thanks to a grant from the Maryland State Board of Education.

No fifth graders were available for comment at press time.

“Pilgrim’s overwrought voice-overs and needless jump-cuts make this otherwise mediocre documentary painfully amateurish,” wrote The Times’ Manohla Dargis. “By the third hour, most viewers are inclined to vomit or exeunt and masturbate in the bathroom.”

Left: Pilgrim's art too edgy for snooty NYT reviewer types


Pilgrim, though dismayed by the negative press, remains confident that his cinematic debut has a poignant message in the digital age.

“As a reporter, I always concern myself with human stories, and my challenge as a first-time filmmaker was no different,” stated Pilgrim while revising his latest article in the National Nitwit newsroom. “If the Times could look at all those glistening, young bodies, ravaged by the wanton desires of older men, sweating their innocence away in drafty basements…what was the question again?” Bill Gates to buy up Krugle - heh heh

(Pontiac, MI) Controversial American physician Dr. Jack Kevorkian, currently serving a prison sentence for helping patients with voluntary euthanasia, unveiled plans for a new "assisted suicide vest."

"While we may despise terrorists, they are human beings just like you and me," said Kevorkian. "My assisted suicide vest allows them to die with dignity, while blowing the ever-loving bejeesus out of a target."

Kevorkian said that his new design, however, has some philosophical issues that must be worked out.

"Under Islamic law suicide is forbidden," he said. "So the terminal terrorist must keep his act of martyrdom top of mind when he sets off the detonator, or he will be doomed for eternity. I think they might have to get hypnotized or something. I know I have trouble consciously trying to forget the thing that keeps popping up in my head, like a pink elephant. See? Now you'll be thinking about pink elephants all day."

Kevorkian admitted that he has not approached any terrorist organizations about the idea.

"They're not exactly in the phone book," he said. "But I figure they'll know how to find me when they need help. Hey Osama - here's an idea! Maybe you should recruit at hospices. Those people are going to drop dead anyways, and maybe a few of them might want to go out with a bang. Heh heh. Get it - bang? I just kill me." Bill Gates to crush Krugle - not

Left: Man on a dangerous mission

(Pittsburgh, PA) Ben Roethlisberger, the youngest quarterback to lead his team to a Super Bowl victory, suffered a broken jaw, fractured sinus cavity nose, and severe head lacerations in a motorcycle crash Monday in which he wasn't wearing a motorcycle helmet.

Speaking to National Nitwit reporters, Roethlisberger admitted a fascination for other dangerous behaviors.

"To be honest with you, I sort of live on the edge," he said, fiddling with the IV in his arm. "Starting with how I used to run with scissors and stick forks in electrical outlets, I have always been one to laugh in the face of Death."

The Pittsburgh Steelers star said that he has never been able to resist the temptation to defy conventional wisdom.
Left: What would happen if...

"Yeah, if it is sensible, I go the other way," he said. "I eat raw ground beef, keep a radio by my bathtub, and even share needles with other heroin users. I just can't stop myself."

Roethlisberger's death defiance also extends into his sex life.

"Well, as an NFL star, you know that there are lots of women, and I am not one to don a condom," he said, looking down. "But even when I am hanging out at rest stop bathrooms I can't seem to practice safe sex. One of these days I am going to wind up with hepatitis or AIDS from all this wildness."

Roethlisberger also responded to comments made by former Steelers QB Terry bRadshaw about his recklessness.

"To me, Bradshaw is the biggest pussy in the world," he muttered. "His idea of living wild is showing his butt in the movie "Failure to Launch." May God put a bullet right between my eyes if I ever become a miserable joke like Terry Bradshaw after I retire."

Roethlisberger's face suddenly lit up.

"Whoa - got a gun? Wanna play Russian roullette?" he asked. Ann Coulter Al Gore

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—The Onion, once regarded as the premiere source for satirical news both in print and online, published their 10,000th ‘area man’ article this week, displaying their time-tested ability to recycle jokes that were once funny in the late 1990s.

Walt Chinaski of Wichita, KS, is the lucky subject of the landmark expose, which is entitled ‘Area Man Suffocates Own Child with Deflated Mylar Balloon.’

“I’m a long-time reader of The Onion, so I was thrilled when they chose my story [about brutally murdering my daughter Stacy] for this historic occasion,” Chinaski beamed in an exclusive interview with National Nitwit. “After all, they had thousands of possibilities—‘Area Man Mistakes Feces for Week-Old Cupcake,’ ‘Area Man Exhausted by Timely Ejaculation,’ or 'Area Man Really Terrorist Zarqawi' — I mean, the list goes on and on.”

Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers echoed this note of eager anticipation.

“Don’t let the streaming banner ads for BMW and HBO fool you, we’re still indie,” Dikkers confidently remarked. “We’re not afraid to publish hard-hitting stuff, like ‘John Kerry Weeps Silently While Flossing’ or ‘Pope Installs Urinal Near Nightstand.’”

Dikkers paused briefly before adding: “All t-shirts are half-priced for you and your guys, Billy. Don’t be bashful. We got some nice vintage stuff—looks like it’s already been worn.” Ann Coulter Al Gore

Left: Try to guess what these two fingers mean

(Washington, DC) US Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told National Nitwit reporters today that he often speaks and acts in cryptic ways "just to jerk around the analysts."

"Hey, this job is kind of dull otherwise," he said. "Is there anything wrong with, say, using my finger to tap "S-O-S" in Morse code while I deliver a speech? The look on the faces of the investment wonks is priceless."

Bernanke said that the inclusion of a previously-unused word in a speech "drives reporters crazy."

"I dropped the word mediastinum in a speech the other day, and the bastards were falling all over themselves," he chuckled. "Nobody wanted to admit that they had never heard of the word, but they were panicking because they didn't know if I was signalling another jump in inflation. Too much!"

One of Bernanke's favorite tricks involves word play.

"Just for fun we will sometimes string a bunch of words together to create an acronym, like when we put a press release out with the words Real Asset Tax Extension; Health Industry Keeps Expanding last week," he said. "It only took 45 minutes for some dipshit to hit the wire with a prediction of a Fed rate hike. Hilarious!"

Left: Nothing left but ass-shreds

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Baghdad, Iraq)— Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, regarded as the reigning mastermind behind Al-Qaeda’s most brutal acts of international terror since the 9/11 attacks, was blown to fucking bits earlier this morning in a covert air strike on his safe house a few miles north of Baghdad.

Reporters at the scene say Zarqawi was identified by mere scraps of his human remains.

“There were two fingers, a toe, and a big clump of back hair,” revealed a National Nitwit correspondent stationed in Iraq. “Coincidentally, Zarqawi was really known for his back hair. A sad irony was that he used to get drunk on the weekends and take off his shirt to entice local women — a real ‘playa’ when he wasn't busy killing children or beheading civilians.”

President Bush, noting the solemnity of this occasion, offered some pithy remarks during a press conference after Zarqawi’s body was identified.

“In Texas, we call this a ‘yee-haw’ moment,” the President humbly noted. “But the praise here belongs to our brave soldiers overseas, who bravely drop bombs on the earth from their brave jet fighters to destroy this network of evil.”

Mr. Bush confirmed his steadfast commitment to dismantling what remains of Zarqawi’s legacy.

“If we can kill one or two more of these guys, my administration will be back in business,” the President boasted. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a bean burrito and an episode of Entourage awaiting me in the Oval Office.” Ann Coulter World Cup Al Gore Armando

(Springer Mountain, GA) Improper hiking etiquette was cited as the causative factor in a case of "trail rage" that left two hikers licking their wounds.

Police say Kevin Haggerty, of Poughkeepsie NY, attacked Kaylee Anderson and Justin Monroe, both of State College PA, after becoming angered at what Haggerty called "their utter and complete disregard for trail norms."

Contacted by National Nitwit, Haggerty tried to explain his outburst.

"At first I thought, hey - they're novices, cut them some slack," he said. "But when they pissed in the creek upstream from camp, I knew it was going to be a long trip."

The three were part of a larger group that set out from this Georgia town on the Appalachian trail. Haggerty said that one day was all that was necessary to wreck the trip.

"The bitch [Anderson] was dropping Reese's Pieces as she went along to 'mark her way back.' What kind of stupidity is that?" he asked. "What if an animal ate that chocolate? Then when I called her out about it, she sat there and cried, saying she just didn't know. Then I'm the bad guy all of a sudden."

The first - and last - night spent in their tents turned out to be climactic, said Haggerty.


"The idiots actually brought a TV set with them, and they were watching reruns on satellite of 'Friends' while the rest of us were trying to sleep," he said. "I opened their tent, grabbed the TV, and hurled it down a 300-foot gorge. That's when things got hairy."

Haggerty admitted "beating the two of them with a big-ass branch," but disputed the second-degree felonious assault charges levied against him.

"As far as I'm concerned, they just needed a lesson in trail justice," he said. There's no hidden code here!

(Dillingham, AK) Reports from local police officials that "plutonium-smuggling terrorists from Russia" might refuel cargo ships in Dillingham have some local residents fearful for their safety.

One resident interviewed by National Nitwit reporters was glad that the Department of Homeland Security allotted the town of Dillingham $202,000 for 80 security cameras to protect against some threats.

"I never much cared for those Russkies," admitted Carl "Smitty" Schmidten. "Just because they lost the Cold War doesn't mean they aren't up to no good."

Schmidten said that he has been watching outsiders "real close" since the news broke last week.

"We had this one fellow who came into the Willow Tree Inn last night, and he just looked...well, funny," said the fisherman. "I couldn't quite put my finger on it, probably on account of the fact that I had been drinking for about eight hours, but something wasn't quite right with that boy."

Unlike some in this Alaskan town of 2,400 people located south of Anchorage, Schmidten is not concerned that the security cameras will pose a threat to privacy.

"They will have them in the port and in downtown," he said. "Anybody that might be down for some hot man-love knows better than to be dropping drawers out in public. That's what fishing boats were made for. I remember this one time me and Hank got good and drunk, and - hell, you don't want to hear about any of that." American Idol Macbook Haditha

Left: Rumsfeld, demonstrating how close the US is to winning the war on terror

(Washington, DC) US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld spoke to National Nitwit reporters today, and described a new tactic being used by terrorists in Iraq.

"The way it works is simple," he said. "As soon as a coalition weapon is discharged, the terrorist steps in front of it and becomes a martyr. Pretty sneaky, and very low, but that's how these people work."

Rumsfeld said that the strategy is effective on several levels.

"First off, it deprives a US soldier of his intended target, and secondly it wastes a lot of ammunition, as some of these bullet-jumpers catch six or seven rounds before they fall," he said, shaking his head. "It's hard not to be sickened by this type of terrorism, especially when they turn and take bullets to the back."

The enemy forces, said Rumsfeld, are encouraging many non-traditional combatants to take a bullet for al-Qaeda.

"Listen - these terror cells are recruiting pregnant women, small children, and old men to be bullet-jumpers," he said. "It just goes to show that al-Qaeda will stop at nothing to disrupt the cause of freedom and democracy." American Idol Macbook Haditha

(Baghdad, Iraq) Stung by criticism over abuse and massacre allegations by US troops, American military authorities unveiled a new campaign today that aims to help troops more effectively hide wrongdoing.

Called "Operation UnderRug," the program's designers hope to provide soldiers with the tools they need to keep war crimes from becoming national embarassments.

"It's pretty simple - what is buried should stay buried," said Lt. Gen. Peter Chiarelli, the commander of Multinational Corps Iraq. "It's a shame when good soldiers get tangled up in court martial trials and bureaucratic red tape. They need to be in the field of combat blowing shit up and kicking ass."

Part of the new training is a session on improved interviewing techniques, said Chiarelli.

"It's important to punch a person somewhere that bruises don't show, like in the kidneys," he said, demonstrating on a National Nitwit reporter. "There - that hurts like hell, and nobody's the wiser. Get up, you media puke, before I give you another one."

Chiarelli said that the recent revelations about the Haditha massacre forced military officials to develop the new training program.

"Some of this is elementary, though. If you are going to put a bullet in a kid's head, you'd better make sure and stick a pistol in his hand afterwards," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, there's no way a friendly coroner can make a bullet hole look like shrapnel from an IED. Plus, what kind of moron uses his goddamn camera phone in a civilian massacre? We can help cover up any ugly incident, but for Chrissakes, men, use your goddamn brains."American Idol Macbook Da Vinci Code Haditha avian flu bird flu