National Nitwit

Left: No man does it all by himself

(New York) Disco group The Village People, seeking to update their look, announced Wednesday that they will be adding an Episcopalian bishop to their cast of gay-themed characters.

"Given the willingness of the Episcopal Church to embrace gay bishops, we thought it was time to recognize the contributions of clerics, as well as embrace them ourselves," chuckled group member Felipe Rose, who plays the Native American character in the group. "Of course, Robbie [the bishop character] is not a real bishop, but he did go to vacation Bible school as a kid."

Rose said that the group considered bringing in a female to play the gay bishop role.

"We had a problem with songs like 'Macho Man,' though," he admitted. "Whenever we would audition a lesbian bishop, the song came across kind of, well, threatening and butch. It just didn't work, you know?"

The addition of the bishop seems to be adding a new dimension to concerts, added Rose.

"We have him walk out and sprinkle the crowd with holy water during 'In the Navy,'" he said. "The only time it was a problem was when a fan grabbed the vessel and drank it. Robbie got really pissed and smacked him with his scepter. It was a bad scene, but what are you going to do? Some people just can't have a good time without spoiling the party for everyone else."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Still the King, albeit in more of an quantum sense

(Mervort-4, Seyfert Galaxy M77)—Elvis Presley, the undisputed King of Rock and Roll, won an intergalactic charity poker tournament on Mervort-4 last week with a low straight, thus solidifying his reputation as a tireless artist dedicated to the betterment of those in need.

Presley sounded exhausted but grateful in his exclusive interview with the National Nitwit.

“Man, that last round was tougher than a week-old peanut butter and banana sandwich,” the King humbly remarked. “But the whole time, I just kept thinkin’ about the charity money. Damn shame how many Mervortian kids are dyin’ from hiccups. And I feel bad, too, since I brought the hiccups here back in ’98.”

Left: Holodex recreation of the winning hand of Elvis

Contrary to popular belief, Presley did not die on August 16, 1977, but instead faked his own death in order to travel the galaxy with some degree of anonymity. His current residence, “Graceland XXXIV,” is on Mervort-4, a planet approximately 60 million light-years from our own Milky Way.

And while Presley still performs a few dozen concerts each year, he remains fervently dedicated to his charity since it allows him to help those less fortunate.

“It reminds me of my mama, Billy, when I can make one of these green fellers smile,” Presley crooned in his thick Mississippi drawl. “I’ve been blessed my whole life, and now I can give something back to fight disease across this ol’ universe. I do miss cheeseburgers, though. Goddamn, how I miss those cheeseburgers."

Left: Ahmadinejad is pumped and ready to face Bush

(Tehran) President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran dismissed the UN as an "illegitimate tool" of Britain and America, and called upon US President George W. Bush to a series of "manly duels."

"A best-of-three match in arm wrestling should show that infidel punkass who Allah speaks to," he said, baring his right forearm. "Maybe he can order F-16 airstrikes, but I daresay I will whip his sorry kafir self mano-a-mano."

Ahmadinejad also threw down another physical challenge to Bush.

"One, two, three, four - I declare a thumb war," he said, jutting out his thumbs in an agressive manner. "Five, six, seven, eight - America we'll annhilate!"

Left: Iranian thumb in strike position

The White House dismissed the proposals as "distractions."

“Talk of an arm wrestling match or a thumb war is just a diversion from the legitimate concerns that the international community, not just the U.S., has about Iran’s behavior, from support for terrorism to pursuit of a nuclear weapons capability,” said spokeswoman Dana Perino. "Besides, you know those shifty Iranian bastards - Ahmadinejad's liable to throw sand in the President's eye or something. However, if mad Ahmad wants to race for pink slips, we'll be happy to take him on."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Frost smiling as he screws with Wikipedia

(Durham, NH)—University of New Hampshire sophomore Dave Frost was enraptured when he took his last summer final exam last Friday, but was struck by a surprising malaise when the adrenaline from four consecutive days of cramming wore off.

Instead of wallowing in booze and scrambled porno with his compatriots, Frost spent almost all of the past week fulfilling a dream he had kept silent for months: an entire week of sabotaging articles on Wikipedia, the internet’s most popular free encyclopedia.

And while Frost realized most of his hilarious revisions would be reversed almost instantaneously by freelance editors with scant personal lives, he hoped some would make it past their intense scrutiny.

“I knew they wouldn’t keep that bit about JFK fucking a platypus at Camp David, or how I created an article 'proving' that Tom Cruise is gay with confessions from guys he blew at rest stops,” Frost candidly shared. “But how the hell do they know if Superman III was ever released on Laserdisc? Check and mate, sir.”

Left: Wikipedia's logo, the source of many a Wikigeek orgasm

Frost’s close friends were not only baffled by his tireless dedication to inaccuracy, but also by his endless imagination for tinkering with pop culture trivia.

“The guy is my hero,” beamed John Knowles, Frost’s freshman roommate. “I mean, he switched the order of ‘Misty Mountain Hop’ and ‘Going to California’ on side two of Led Zeppelin IV. Who thinks of that kind of shit? If only he put that energy into studying for organic chemistry, he’d be a Rhodes scholar.”

A National Nitwit Editorial

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Cyberspace)—A pithy, informative entry on the National Nitwit at the Wikipedia—the self-proclaimed democratic online encyclopedia—has been targeted for deletion since a handful of anonymous users feel the Nitwit is not “sufficiently notable.”

This is despite the fact that the Nitwit receives hundreds of visitors a day, enjoys links on a countless number of blogs, and has previously featured on Fark.com and MSNBC.com, among others.

Ironically, two of the users who have targeted the Nitwit—“Xlu” and “NeoChaosX”—seem to lack any familiarity with our site, and exhort entries with questionable public worth, such as one for ‘Naruto,’ a little-known anime series, and another for ‘Emperor Xiaozhuang of Northern Wei,’ a minor sixth century Chinese emperor.

Our editorial staff would like to reassert the integrity of our daily reportage, and argue for our continued inclusion in the Wikipedia. The National Nitwit is a humble but vibrant part of the wider journalistic community on the internet, and as such, deserves appropriate consideration.

Interested parties can chart the discussion at the following link: Click here

Readers who have a vested commitment to the National Nitwit may also view the article in question at: Click here

(Lodi, CA) Local coffehouse musician Freedy Sanders says that the switch to a 10-digit telephone number schema has "really messed up" his set list, which included several "number" songs.

"Just try singing Tommy Tutone's '867-5309' with the extra numbers - it's all jacked up," he told National Nitwit reporters during a break in his gig at Tillie's Coffee Bar. "Either you have to speed it up - 2098675309 - or you have to add an extra measure, which sounds retarded."

Sanders said patrons have been "confused" with the updating of classics.

"Older white guys really struggle, because they have a hard enough time keeping the beat without me throwing in the numeric changes," he said. "But pretty much every phone number song - even Wilson Pickett's '634-5789' - has been totally warped with this 10-digit bullshit."

Left: Yesterday's songs, today's technology not in synch

Sanders has tried some other methods to cope with the demands of the telecommunications industry for universal acceptance of the 10-digit system.

"For a while I was humming all the number parts, but many in the crowd weren't catching on," he said. "Then I tried holding a big flashcard with the [central California] 209 area code, but I had to set down the guitar to do that. I'll probably end up having to drop the songs with telephone numbers from my sets, because this is getting ridiculous. By the time I figure this one out, they'll probably jump to a 12-digit deal."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Green Bay, WI)—Brett Favre, iconic quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, announced earlier today that he lamented his entire career in professional football and wished he had pursued his childhood dream of acting in films and stage musicals.

The revelation came as a shock to many in the NFL who regard Favre as a living legend, since he is the league’s only three-time MVP winner and has been a doggedly committed athlete since his rookie season in 1992.

“What the fuck was I thinking when I signed on for another year?,” Favre pondered during an open press conference in his home town of Kiln, Mississippi earlier this morning. “We had a 4-12 record in 2005. I was funny as shit in that movie [1998’s There’s Something About Mary]. My ass would be on Broadway right now if it wasn’t for this barbaric game.”

Favre added that his rugged good looks would have served him well on screen.

“You know, Harrison Ford wasn’t all that great,” Favre huffed. “I watched those Indiana Jones movies, and all he did was wear an open-collar shirt, carry a whip, and not shave for three or four days. Brother, that’s me on any given Tuesday.”

Left: Brett Favre (center) in an off-Broadway production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

Understandably, many die-hard Packer fans felt betrayed by this disclosure, but were quick to attribute Favre’s comments to the pre-season jitters.

“Favre throws like a Greek god, but he’s no Dustin Hoffman, that’s for goddamn sure,” remarked Don Molowski, a Green Bay plumber and lifelong Cheesehead. “He’ll come to his senses once the regular season starts and all this media speculation about his age finally subsides. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to snake a turd.”

Left: Suspicious-looking chauffeur

(New York, NY) A Yellow Cab ride from Soho to Greenwich Village was detained for "security reasons," city officials said, after a cabbie acted "in a manner consistent with terrorist types."

Police held driver Mahmoud al-Jarrar for three hours before determining he was "just your basic New York cabbie."

Passenger Angela Whitting said that al-Jarrar was "speaking in one of those foreigner languages" when she got suspicious.

"It was all 'ach-gach-ka-bach' and stuff for the first ten minutes," she said, recounting the tense ride. "I looked at [fellow passenger and friend] Marissa and mouthed: 'Oh-my-God.' We thought we were done for."

Left: Whitting after the ordeal

The "moment of truth" came when Whitting and her companion saw al-Jarrar answer a cell phone.

"We were all like: 'This is it.' It was like something out of Flight 93," she said, shuddering. "I just knew that any second we were going to hear: 'In the name of Allah. I bear witness that there is no other God but Allah' or some crazy shit like that."

Whitting's silent 911 call got a quick response from police. After finding no reason to detain al-Jarrar any longer, detectives allowed him back to his vehicle to finish the last two hours of his shift.

Contacted by National Nitwit, the veteran cabbie declined an interview, citing his need to "make a few fucking dollars."

Whitting thanked police for their "vigilance and, like, fast response."

"I wanted to cry afterwards when I thought about how close we came to dying," she said. "I just thank God the NYPD did its job to protect the city today."

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) During a trip home to see his parents, traveler Thomas Roland set his son free last Monday morning at Baltimore Washington International Airport.

"I was flying back to North Carolina to see the folks," said Roland, "and I just decided that I couldn't keep him in captivity any longer."

Roland released Preston, his son of eighteen months, back into the wilds.

"I just set him down with a sippy-cup full of his favorite juice, and a little bag of Cheerios," he said, wiping away a tear. "Then I watched him crawl away through the terminal."

According to Roland, he lacked confidence in his ability to competently father the child, a sentiment echoed by his ex-wife, Loretta.

"Loretta was always telling me what a lousy dad I'd be," he said. "In those moments before boarding, I finally realized that she was right."

Left: Saying goodbye at BWI

Roland maintains that he had "no right to monopolize Preston's precious childhood," opting instead to let him roam free amongst the other babies.

"There was a Chinese kid at the other gate that I saw him playing with before I got on my plane," he said. "Maybe they'll be friends."

Though Roland's parents were initially dismayed when he arrived without their grandson, their shock gave way to cautious optimism.

"We hope that Preston will make better decisions than his father," said Arthur Preston. "But it's not up to us, he's his own man now."

Left: More than just a cheap laugh

(Prague, Czech Republic) As the world's astronomers debated a plan to use a celestial object's roundness as the criteria for defining a "planet," astronomer Lars Christensen paused to address an additional thorny issue.

"Everyone in this room has had to deal with being the brunt of a Uranus joke at some point, and I move to rename this unfortunate planet," he told members of a International Astronomical Union (IAU) conference. "The worst one of these invovles Star Trek's Captain Kirk and 'Klingons on Uranus.' I say: Enough!"

Christensen recounted another wisecrack that "repeats every year" in undergraduate classrooms.

"And how can we forget this one: 'Due to the poisonous gases that exist there, humans cannot survive anywhere near Uranus," he said, shaking his fist at the crowd. "Or the related: 'Apparently Uranus is a gas giant.' Colleagues, it's time we put an end to these sophomoric attempts at humor."

Left: Christensen says "enough with the jokes, already"

Christensen said that the "tipping point" for him came during a recent trip to his physician.

"I needed to have my prostate checked, and the doctor - who knew I was an astronomer - actually said: 'Beginning launch sequence for Uranus probe,'" he said. "Can you believe that? From a doctor? I swore that if he made a crack about 'moons around Uranus,' I was going to beat him like a rented mule. Lucky for him he shut up."

(Washington, DC) As more of America's corporate oil tycoons are growing fatter, the physical education curriculum that might help them win the fight is gasping for air.

The 2006 Shape of the Nation - jointly conducted by the American Heart Association and the National Association for Sport and Physical Education - concluded that most states are failing to provide oil executives with adequate physical education requirements to offset tax breaks they have received.

"With the oil exec obesity rates going up and it's right in our face, why are we cutting capital gains taxes? I don't get it," said Chevron spokesman Don Campbell. "The added profit just makes these fat cats even lazier."

Critics contend that the very legislation meant to bolster national petroleum corporaton health - the No Oilman Left Behind Act of 2001 - may be a primary culprit.

"We acknowledge that while the goals of these tax initiatives - NOLB included - are good, our position is that this is not an either/or situation. We should expect both from our oil executives: physical activity and high financial achievement," said Campbell. "It is time for the President to recommend that hefty lardasses like Lee Raymond hit the treadmill."

Left: Lee Raymond, portly poster child of NOLB's failings


Craig Stevens, a spokesman for Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman, defended the NOLB's requirements.

"I think you have to look at many other factors when you look at obesity," he said. "To put the blame on a program that cuts capital gains is absurd. It tends to be an excuse, but it is a poor one. Many of these executives were fleshy, doughnut-huffing liposuction candidates long before NOLB."

(Washington, DC) Citing "pigmentary preference," Crayola crayons descended on the nation's capitol today to demand that they each receive their own history month.

"It's not right that Black gets its own month, while the rest of us crayons stay in the box," said Midnight Blue. "What's so special about Black? The only time anyone uses Black is on the margins."

Another crayon said that Black History Month is just an attempt to mollify a certain crayon for historical wrongs.

"So Black had to sit in the back of the box all those years, big whoop," said Bright Red. "Me? I'm the first one that kids try to eat, since I look like candy. And look at Burnt Orange over there, sitting all by himself. Kids never use Burnt Orange until every other color is used up, but nobody gives him a Burnt Orange History Month."

Other crayons spoke to the logistical difficulties faced by 128 different colors competing for 12 months.

"Yeah, some of us will have to share, there's no doubt about that," said Raw Umber. "And some of us, like Blue Green, have some identity issues that need to be worked out. But dammit - there's no good reason why Black should be the only one with a History Month."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Cooter reveals the horny Holocaust victim within

(Toledo, OH)—Noted actress Trish Cooter, star of such adult films as Whore Buffet and Fingerblastin’, recently accepted the title role in an upcoming pornographic biography of Holocaust diarist Anne Frank, despite the fervent protests of local churches and religious organizations.

Minotaur Pictures’ Magic in the Attic is slated for production later this month, and will feature a set in the historic West End to recreate the ambiance of 1940s Nazi Poland. Though the film has a meager $9,000 budget, producers hope it will have blockbuster appeal for its scintillating action, captivating dialogue, and ethnically diverse cast.

Director and screenwriter Shawn Biggs claims that the film will be an accurate and moving portrayal of a young girl caught in the harrowing brutality of war.

“What the religious community fails to realize,” Biggs scorned, “is that this story has been abused, warped, and thoroughly cheapened by Hollywood sleazeballs for decades. 1949’s Hidden Away had a fucking eunuch play Anne, and 1968’s psychedelic musical Jew Love was downright abysmal. We’re bringing integrity, and a bit of lust, back to this narrative.”

But few Toledans share Biggs’ view. Father James Patterson of St. Mary’s Parish called Minotaur Pictures “a heretical affront to all that is pure in this world,” and vowed to lead the local Catholic opposition by staging sit-ins and other forms of nonviolent demonstration outside the production zone.

Left: Schwartz objects to casting and production decisions

Rabbi Eli Schwartz, an Ann Arbor activist well known for his crusades against adult entertainment, also lamented what he called “a racist venture” worthy of “apoplectic rage” among the Jewish community.

“Is this what Americans want to watch these days,” Schwartz sadly wondered, “all this schtupping and shvitzing and meshugge business? I’ll tell you this: in a culture of schmuck jokes and dirtiness, only our ancient traditions can save us.”

Left: Phelps is "downright disappointed"

(Hollywood, CA) Porno producer Fred Phelps knows that the key to a successful low-budget skin flick is tying into an existing Hollywood blockbuster.

"We rushed out Star Whores in two weeks to piggyback on the Episode III traffic," said the grizzled sex veteran. "And Passion of the Tryst was a big seller for us, too, especially with the deep-throating actress for Mary Magdalene we discovered."

Phelps has been disappointed, however, with his latest cheap knockoff, Snakes In My Shorts, which plays off the title of the new thriller Snakes on a Plane.

"We even spent a little extra to sign [male porn star] Barry Bigguns, but the film is dead on arrival," he said, looking across the room at the filming of a hardcore scene. "It looked like a winner during the brainstorming session, but this film fell flatter than third-grader's chest."

Left: Promotional poster for Snakes In My Shorts

Phelps, who also moonlights as a Baptist minister, said that he's concerned he may have lost his touch in picking provocative titles for his films.

"Been in this business forty years, and maybe it's time to get out," he mused, glancing at a snowballing scene across the room. "Even adding a Dirty Sanchez at the end of Snakes In My Shorts didn't get the test audiences going. Fuck it."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Christina Aguilera, the sultry diva whose evolving sense of style transcends categorization, was named the "Nastiest Slut in Recorded History" by an international body of historians and sex experts earlier this morning.

Aguilera also picked up awards for "Skankiest Skeezer" and "Raunchiest Hoe-Bag" by the International Association of Tasteless Entertainment and Horrific Entertainers Researchers (IATEHER).

By most accounts, this is an even more impressive feat since Aguilera, 25, is currently married, claims a blissful monogamy, and will likely encounter some stiff competition from her contemporaries in the coming months.

“I am profoundly humbled by this recent honor,” Aguilera remarked while trying on a pair of hip-huggers in a Hollister dressing room. “All those years of blowing record executives while whacked out on paint thinner have finally paid off. Do these make my ass look fat?”

Her new album, Back to Basics, has been panned by many music critics as a tired pastiche of big-band era jazz, with trite lyrics and a myopic egocentrism that meditates on little other than the singer’s own image in the press.

Left: Back to Basics is dripping with everything you'd never want to catch

But despite the criticism, Aguilera is confident that her music is a complex, intricate form of artistic expression, and her newfound status as the world’s sluttiest slut will allow young women to celebrate their femininity without fear of reproach.

“America has always felt threatened by a bubbly, scantily-clad singer with the I.Q. of a mouse turd,” Aguilera reflected. “But I go out there, make records, and sweat out my soul for an hour and nine minutes every time I play a concert. The haters are simply jealous.”

Left: Kingman family in happier days

(Los Angeles, CA) The missing pack of Big Red gum from her purse was the proverbial last straw for Melissa Kingman.

"I said to myself:'Missy, this is the last time one of these little bastards rifles through your possessions and gets away with it,'" she said. "Instead of getting mad, I got smart."

Getting "smart," for Kingman, meant hiring a private investigator to interview the chief suspects: 8-year-old Mark and 7-year-old Penelope Kingman.

Left: DNA samples aplenty on this evidence

From a wad of gum recovered from under the dining room table, investigators were able to obtain a DNA sample, and it had a match with someone in the Kingman household.

"Oh yeah - Mr. 'I swear it wasn't me, Mom!' was lying through his teeth," Kingman said of her stepson. "And then the little creep still tried to blame his sister. That's when we got tough."

Six hours later, the investigators had their suspect write out a detailed confession. Kingman said that, even still, this was a "hollow victory."

"Like a 4-foot terrorist, Markie's always watching and plotting," she said, eyeing the sniffling child in the corner. "You have to stay two steps ahead of the little sociopath, that's for sure."

Left: "I'd grab that Natalie by the hair and..."

(Washington, DC) US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, though a staunch conservative and a war hawk, confided to National Nitwit reporters that he's "totally up for" a sexual liason with country music stars the Dixie Chicks.

"Oh God yes - I'd do each one of them separately, and then bring 'em all together for a crazy-ass bivouac," he said. "Women that hot? Are you nuts - politics don't factor in on a deal like that."

Rumsfeld said that he's not sure which of the three women he most lusts after.

"Natalie's the feisty one, to be sure, which is pretty neat," he said. "Martie's got that classic blond bombshell look, but something about those long legs of Emily just make me crazy. Do I have to pick just one?"

Left: "Eenie, meenie, miney, moe..."

The defense chief said that his wife Joyce was "supportive" of his fantasy, and hopes that the Dixie Chicks will fit Rumsfeld into their busy schedule.

"She's completely cool with the idea," he said, adding that the couple's love life has been "kind of dead" for a number of years. "She did tell me: 'Donald - just don't come home with something nasty.'"

Rumsfeld looked thoughtful for a moment, and turned back to reporters.

"Hey - they might be commie peaceniks, but goddamnit- they're not skanks," he said.

Left: The Leonard's home, not damaged by a hurricane

(Pascagoula, MS) A federal judge Tuesday rejected a couple's insurance claim for Hurricane Katrina-related flood damage, while simultaneously disavowing specific claims for wind, water, and lightning damage.

Senior District Judge L.T. Senter Jr. said the insurance policy of plaintiffs Paul and Julie Leonard of Pascagoula, Mississippi was for "hurricane damge."

"Look - the total destruction of the Leonard's home was by wind, water, and flying chunks of concrete and steel," he said, holding up the photos. "The plaintiffs have failed to show that a hurricane - specifically Hurricane Katrina - caused this damage."

Left: Expertly-prepared legal briefs made the difference in the case

Attorneys for Nationwide Mutual Insurance applauded the move.

"It is clear that Judge Senter has acted with due concern for the stability of the nation's insurance companies," said Joe Case, a spokesman for Nationwide, as he handed Senter a plump envelope. "We must all work together to fatten the investment portfolios of the largest insurers."

The Leonards, who did win $ 1,228.16 in claims - representing about 1% of the estimated $130,000 in total damage to their home - declined comment, but Paul Leonard was overheard mumbling something to his attorney about "award" and "stick it up your fucking ass."

Left: Stratergizing at Stratego

(Washington, DC) High-tech software simulations "just can't touch" the board game Stratego for running Middle Eastern scenarios, acknowledged President Bush in an interview with National Nitwit reporters.

"Stratego really forces you to try and out-think your opponent," he said, moving his Marshal to combat a move by his opponent, Vice President Dick Cheney. "See, Dick here has placed his Spy too far forward, making it more likely to be captured. In this game he's playing Iran, and he's about to get a serious ass-whooping."

Stratego is a board game marketed by Hasbro featuring a 10×10 spaced board and two players with 40 pieces each. Pieces represent individual officers and soldiers in an army. One player uses red pieces, while the other uses blue pieces.

"The key to this game is to identify patterns in Dick's movement that give clues as to the distribution of his Iranian forces," said the President, capturing one of Cheney's Colonels. "Mr. Cheney thinks he's going to fake me out by setting a cluster of Bombs around a Scout instead of his Flag, but I'm not falling for that, Ahmadinejad!"

The President added that he has been a "really big" Stratego fan since childhood.

"Jeb and I used to play this game religiously," he said, defusing one of Cheney's Bombs. "I always won, because I didn't have a problem sacrificing any of my pieces for the war effort. Jeb was way too soft."

Left: "Unappreciated" radio host Merriwether

(Portland, OR) Late nite host Mark Merriwether of KGON-FM grows weary of creating "masterful mixes" that seem to fall on deaf ears.

"The other day I followed Chicago's "Beginnings" with The Doors' 'The End,' but not a single listener called in or emailed to let me know they made the connection," he said, scratching his neck. "It's like I am playing records to an audience of mind-numbed zombies or something. Even my pothead cousin Henry smoking a fat Blunt would have figured that one out."

Merriwether admits that his 7 pm to 12 am shift "ain't exactly morning drive," but notes that there are anywhere from eight to twelve thousand listeners at any moment on the classic rock station.

"Sure, they'll call in for Skynyrd's 'Free Bird' or Aerosmith's 'Dream On,' so I know they are out there," he mused, loading a series of commercials. "But can they put a little thought into what I am doing? No freaking way."


Left: The sound of...nothing

A recent experiment convinced Merriwether of his audience's "collective imbecility."

"I thought to myself: 'Mark, let's make it easy for them,' so I played AC-DC's 'Highway to Hell' right after Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven,'" he said, sipping his coffee and starting a 10-song Music Marathon. "But no. Complete silence. Finally the phone rings, and it's some fucking asswipe asking for BOC's 'Don't Fear the Reeefer.' Dear God, just put a bullet in my head. Right now. Please?"

Left: Durfee can't let go

(Washington, DC) Despite living in the nation's capital and riding its Metro rail system for "almost a year," Department of Agriculture employee Thomas Durfee still holds onto the safety bars "like a little sissy boy," according to friends and coworkers.

"I used to think that Thomas was a stand-up guy until I began to notice he won't let go of the rail," said coworker Allen Hartnett, who added that he mastered the "no-hold" technique in about a week. "He's like a kid who won't let Daddy take off the training wheels."

Durfee's supervisor at DOA, J. Porter Larson, added that such behavior "is not expected" among upward-bound employees.

"Let's face it - anyone who can't let go of the pole is probably afraid to take chances, and that's exactly what we don't need from our DOA managers," he said, shaking his head. "We need managers who can take the bull by the horns, and not riding some little coin-operated horsie at the Piggly Wiggly with his Mama."

Left: Durfee with three female friends, none of whom are pole-grabbing scaredy-cats

Worse yet, said friend Jerry Wilkens, is that Durfee seems "oblivious" to this unspoken cultural norm and measure of masculinity.

"I just cringe when he stands there, holding that bar and smiling," he said. "Tom's like a guy with a shit stain on the back of his pants - he has no clue that people see him as pathetic. And - quite frankly - he grips that pole with an almost erotic touch. THAT's some freaky stuff, man."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Enough with the breasts, already

(Washington, D.C.)—After eight decades on this earth, World War II veteran and Purple Heart recipient Roger Quinn “knows a thing or two about death,” and frankly, he has had enough of breast cancer awareness.

“I know it’s not until October, but the thought of everybody wearing those goddamn pink ribbons for an entire month makes me want to puke blood,” Quinn remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “It’s not cute, and it needs to stop.”

Quinn contends that breast cancer—much like the AIDS pandemic and global warming—are the result of a sensationalized media and a petrified American public that has no concept of “sweat and sacrifice.”

“Billy, did you know that breast cancer, on average, only affects one out of seven American women?” Quinn stated. “And women are only half of the people in this country? That’s a tiny fraction of our population, but sure—let’s forgets all about my buddies who were blown to bits by artillery fire on D-Day and get a cure for that.”

Left: Now THAT's real suffering and pain

Quinn’s grandchildren often disagree with his seemingly misanthropic political views, but are compelled to respect his military service and courage.

“The old bastard hates women—his second wife died in ’93, he never talks to my mother, and ever since I came ‘out,’ he’s referred to me as Chris,” vented a visibly shaken Kristie Quinn, 28. “I want to put him in a home, but he still does a hundred push-ups a day. He’d probably snap my neck if I tried to institutionalize him.”

Left: Bresling demonstrating why he is no longer master of hand-to-gland combat

(Toledo, OH) Tim Bresling, a local genital manipulator, said that the fractured metacarpals on his right hand will not slow his passion for masturbation.

“I’ve been through worse, like the time I stuck my hand in the deep fryer at work,” he said, holding up his plastered monkey-spanker. “While left-handed meat-beating leaves a bit to be desired, my masturbatory ambidexterity leaves me in a position where I can continue chicken choking unabated.”

Bresling said that he has attached a heavy-duty clamp to the cast for holding up porno magazines.

“In some ways, this is better, because I sometimes drop my copy of Juggs when I pass out during auto-erotic maneuvers,” he said, demonstrating the holding power of the clamp for Toledo Tales reporters. “Although, truth be told, the clamp does put an annoying crease across the forehead of the chick in the centerfold when I am schpanken der planken.”

Left: Friends don't let friends try one-handed online porn

Masturbating to online porn, said Bresling, remains a “logistical challenge,” but he vowed to continue spending plenty of time with his purple-headed custard chucker.

“I smashed my mouse the first time I tried to open multiple browsers while milking my lizard at the ‘Naughty Nannies’ website,” he admitted. “And, let’s face it – those 10-second free movie clips are a real hassle to jump between with two good hands, let alone with a mangled pole-puller. Still, I will never back down in the face of adversity, and I will live to drain the monster another day.”

Left: Rick with fanny pack

(Pittsburgh, PA) Sharon Felder says that she is "not suspicious or anything," but is beginning to wonder if her husband Rick is "a little light in the loafers."

"All I'm saying is that he's, well, different these days," she told National Nitwit reporters. "Ever since he started wearing that stupid fanny pack it's like having another woman in the house."

Felder said that Rick has even taking to watching television's The Gilmore Girls.

"At first it seemed like a joke, but he watches that idiotic show every week," she said. "He pays more attention to Lorelai and Rory than sports."

Left: Felder is "concerned"

Felder added that Rick "totally blew me off" last week when she offered to perform a striptease for her husband.

"Listen - I'm 36, in great shape, and waaaaay too young to go celibate," she said, filing her nails. "If Rick's gonna go all femme on me, I at least deserve a little warning."

Contacted by National Nitwit, Rick declined a formal interview, but said that Sharon "is, like, a total drama queen."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Kiss - Sex, drugs, and…vaginal freshness?

(Los Angeles, CA)—Veteran rockers Kiss, who are renowned for their exorbitant stage antics and tireless marketing of fan memorabilia, announced their plans to unveil a unique line of feminine hygiene products by summer’s end during a press conference early this morning.

Tentatively named Kist ©, the line of deodorant sprays, personal lubricants, and misting lotions are accompanied by the campaign slogan “Rock Your Bottom”—an overt reference to their hit “Rock Bottom” on 1975’s Dressed to Kill.

“We felt this was the next logical step,” remarked Gene Simmons, Kiss’s notoriously long-tongued bassist. “After the Kiss mouse pads, Kiss alarm clocks, Kiss paper towels and Kiss boxer briefs, we felt we needed a line of products that bespoke integrity and quality. Kist © does all that and more.”

Left: The former nadir of KISS's commercial exploitation

Simmons—whose new reality show Family Jewels airs Monday nights on A&E—has been accused of shameless self-promotion, and many fans feel this new line of products continues to cheapen a once-hallowed music legacy.

“Man, these guys would sell their own mothers if they could,” huffed Vic Cooper, a Detroit native and lifelong fan. “I knew shit was bad when they started making ‘Kiss: The Novelty Flying Disc,’ but this snatch deodorant crosses a line in the sand. These fuckers are dead to me now.”

(New York, NY) All police vehicles in the Big Apple will be retrofitted with a unique "bwoop-bwoop" sound, according to NYPD spokesman Lieutenant Gene White.

"We have long used the traditional 'weeeeee-ooooo' and the newer "BRAAAK-BRAAAAK' vehicle sirens," said White. "But the 'bwoop-bwoop'gives NYPD officers an additional tool to increase noise levels in the city."

White said that the "bwoop-bwoop" siren won out over several competitors.

"A few of the police commissioners were partial to a "rrrrrr-wahhhhh-oooh' siren," he said. "And a few other liked this 'gerp-gerp' sound they heard in Chicago. But in New York, it will be 'bwoop-bwoop' as the third option."

White added that the new siren choice will be used "sparingly, but when necessary."

"If we overdo it with the 'bwoop-bwoop,' the siren will lose its impact," he admitted. "We are therefore advising officers to save the 'bwoop' for important occasions, such as running a red light to pick up tacos, or when a really hot chick is walking down Broadway."

(New York) Seeking to bolster sales of one of its flagship products, toy maker Tyco announced the introduction of a more serious line of Elmo characters.

"Bugger Me Elmo" offers a startling alternative to the traditional happy-go-lucky character, said Tyco Chairman and CEO Ed Breen.

"Like many children, 'Bugger Me Elmo' has had to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse," he said. "When the doll says "Elmo loves you," it really hits home with the mixed emotions and distorted boundaries traumatized kids face."

Breen said the new doll's seemingly benign comments coonotate a sinister reality.

"We test-marketed it with a bunch of sexual abuse survivors," he said. "You should have seen their reactions when Elmo busted out with: "Hi! Elmo so happy to see you!" Man, there was some real tension in that room, let me tell you."

An unintended consequence led Tyco designers to make some changes, said Breen.

"The kids in the focus groups kept ripping off the heads of 'Bugger Me Elmo,' so we had to go with a higher-gauge stitching," he said. "There is some real pain out there."

(New York) Likely presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton, in an interview with National Nitwit reporters, admitted what many have long suspected.

"It's true - I do have male genitalia," she said, scratching her package. "But I don't see this as being an obstacle to the presidency, since almost every other president had a penis."

Clinton, 58, said that she had the organ surgically implanted, and that it was "anonymously donated."

"I can't tell you any more, except that he was a Democrat and his initials were LBJ," she said. "I think this gives me an edge over every other candidate, plus it makes for some mondo-crazy sex."

The former frst lady said that the best part about having a penis is the look on the faces of men with whom she is meeting.

"Jacques Chirac was trying to feel me up at a summit meeting when Bill was still president," she chuckled. "Later he gave us everything we wanted; I think he was afraid I might take him up on his offer."

Left: Nike's new "Air Jesus" sports shoes

(New York) Footwear giant Nike has signed Jesus Christ to an exclusive shoe and merchndise deal, according to corporate spokesman Dean Stoyer.

"The timing was great, and the endorsement package worked for both parties," he said, posing with the Son of God for a photo shoot. "JC and Nike will be pairing up to roll out the 'Air Jesus' line of shoes and velour running suits in the fall of 2006."

The Lamb of God said that his appearance at the press conference was "strictly business."

"Listen - I don't want people to think this is the Rapture or anything," He said, putting on a pair of Air Jesus sunglasses. "In fact, I was reluctant to even show up for fear of getting eberyone freaked, but my agent said it's part of the package."

Left: One of several iconic changes resulting from the deal

The Nike-Christ collaboration did not go over well in Heaven, admitted Jesus.

"Oh yeah, the Lord Almighty is ticked off right now," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "He figured He should get at least 10 percent as an origination fee. There's going to be some fireworks when I get back, no doubt."

Christ is also expected to sign a deal with Gatorade to put the Messiah's picture on its bottles, and He also will appear in TV commercials for a new raspberry-flavored "Communion Splash" sports drink.