National Nitwit

(Springer Mountain, GA) Improper hiking etiquette was cited as the causative factor in a case of "trail rage" that left two hikers licking their wounds.

Police say Kevin Haggerty, of Poughkeepsie NY, attacked Kaylee Anderson and Justin Monroe, both of State College PA, after becoming angered at what Haggerty called "their utter and complete disregard for trail norms."

Contacted by National Nitwit, Haggerty tried to explain his outburst.

"At first I thought, hey - they're novices, cut them some slack," he said. "But when they pissed in the creek upstream from camp, I knew it was going to be a long trip."

The three were part of a larger group that set out from this Georgia town on the Appalachian trail. Haggerty said that one day was all that was necessary to wreck the trip.

"The bitch [Anderson] was dropping Reese's Pieces as she went along to 'mark her way back.' What kind of stupidity is that?" he asked. "What if an animal ate that chocolate? Then when I called her out about it, she sat there and cried, saying she just didn't know. Then I'm the bad guy all of a sudden."

The first - and last - night spent in their tents turned out to be climactic, said Haggerty.


"The idiots actually brought a TV set with them, and they were watching reruns on satellite of 'Friends' while the rest of us were trying to sleep," he said. "I opened their tent, grabbed the TV, and hurled it down a 300-foot gorge. That's when things got hairy."

Haggerty admitted "beating the two of them with a big-ass branch," but disputed the second-degree felonious assault charges levied against him.

"As far as I'm concerned, they just needed a lesson in trail justice," he said. There's no hidden code here!

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Messner in the early stages of border fortification

(Beloit, WI)—Dave Messner, a 23-year-old computer programmer in the small village of Beloit, Wisconsin, has been “done wrong” more times than he can recall. And each time, the scenario is the same: he falls in love, a meaningful relationship blossoms, and then he is abruptly shipwrecked on the isle of sorrow.

That is why Messner made a stringent new vow to himself this week. Taking a cue from the Bush Administration’s proposal on Mexican immigration, Messner plans to build a wall around his heart, making it virtually impossible for him to ever be wounded again by a particularly destructive love affair.

“You many think I’m crazy, but there’s only 37 women in this town, and I’ve dated every decent looking chick here at least once,” Messner revealed while folding a pile of clean t-shirts on his bed. “I’m just sick of it, man. I’m sick of them telling me how creative I am, and then fucking some idiot used car salesman. Just call me 'Arizona' from here on in. I’m done with feeling.”

Messner explained that even though many of his friends see this move as melodramatic, it is the only logical remedy for his wounded spirit.

“Look — each one of these bitches was like…like a beaner storming the border of my heart,” Messner revealed. “This is the only solution. They’ll keep coming until every piece of me is laid to waste, like a broken tortilla chip in an ocean of nacho cheese.”

But unlike the Administration’s proposal, which will run 700 miles and cost American taxpayers nearly $2 billion, Messner is confident he can construct his wall without the benefit of federal funding or a massive taskforce.

“Last night I burned all of my baby pictures while listening to Pink Floyd,” Messner muttered, staring at the charred sepia of his youth in a corner wastebasket. “I saved my favorite pic of me with dad until ‘Comfortably Numb’ came on, and lit it up during the guitar solo. Now it’s just another brick in the wall.”

Left: Some patients really abuse the whole concept of "terminal," says Nolan

(Chicago, IL) Marie Nolan, an oncology nurse at Rush University Medical Center's cancer unit, believes that the patient in 2011 is deliberately trying to provoke her.

"She rings that goddamn bell every fifteen minutes for someone to make sure her morphine drip is still working," she said to National Nitwit reporters about Gladys Kellerman, 83. " It's 'Oh, my chest hurts' and 'Oh, my head hurts' and 'Oh, my bed pan is full' all night long with this whack bitch. I swear to God I'm going to kill her before the mesothelioma does."

Nolan said that she's "pretty sure" that the elderly patient secretly enjoys making her work harder.

"So I bring in her dinner last night, and sure enough she's ringing that bell again two minutes later," she said, shaking her head. "I go to her room, and she's dumped her Jello down her gown. Not only do I have to get her another one, but I gotta scoop out clumps of melting Jello from between her wrinkled boobs. Ugh!"

Left: Kellerman plotting her next act of cruelty in the guise of being a 'victim'

Nolan said that she became convinced of the old woman's "evil nature" after drawing a blood sample last week.

"For the life of me I couldn't get that old witch to make a fist for me, and I had to poke her eight times before I got a vein with some blood pressure," she said. "As I left the room she pretended to cough, but I know she was just hiding her maniacal laughter. That's how it is with all of these dying bastards - they just love to make the healthy wait on them hand and foot. It's pretty sick stuff, if you ask me. She ought to be in the psych ward."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Foster rages against the machinery of laundry segregation

(Washington, D.C.)—DeWayne Foster has endured many forms of racism during his 32 years on this planet, yet he has always found the discrete prejudice of our nation’s capital “particularly ironic” during his short career as a postal clerk for the Washington Post.

However, nothing could prepare Foster for the overt bigotry he experienced earlier this week, when he switched laundromats and witnessed some of the most explicit discrimination he’s ever encountered.

“Look yo, before I even left, this Vietnamese bitch was separating the whites from the darks,” vented Foster as he paced a street corner near L’Enfant Plaza on his lunch break. “This is just another example of institutionalized, deeply entrenched…like, people being all whack and shit about the color of my motherfucking skin.”

Foster continued to rant as he dismissed the notion that this instance of “racial profiling” was in any way connected to the integrity of his clothing.

“Yeah, she tried to push her knowledge on me—‘black shirt stain white sock, Mr. DeWayne’—but I don’t buy that shit for a minute,” huffed Foster, growing increasingly incensed. “This ain’t about socks—this is about my people being brought to this country in goddamn chains. You hear me? Chains, man. I mean, if this slanty-eyed … fuckin’… if this bitch knew anything about what my people went through, she’d think twice before, you know, running her gums about her being colored, too.”

Left: Even the damned detergent is a product of segregationist ideology

Foster said that he is "sickened" with the direction in which the country is going.

"I did two tours in Iraq, and I come back here to this shit? I-don't-think-so," he railed at indifferent passersby. "George W. Bush - do you hear me? I did not get sent to the hot-ass desert to come back and be treated like a plantation slave. Let me tell you something - my momma never separated her whites and darks. No sir. She treated all her laundry the same."

Foster took a breath before continuing.

"And you can bet your cracker ass the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. did not get thrown in a Birmingham jail so that we could continue the evil of laundry segregation," he fumed. "It's time for change, people!"

Limbaugh: suspicious of actor's death

(New York) Popular rightwing talk show host Rush Limbaugh is not buying the reported death of actor Christopher Reeve.

"He is exaggerating the effects of his condition," Limbaugh told listeners Monday. "He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. This is really shameless of Reeves. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting."

Reeve, who starred in the Superman film series, was paralyzed in an accident while competing in an equestrian tournament and was confined to a wheelchair for the remainder of his life. He had been an outspoken advocate for stem cell research before his alleged 2004 death.

"This is the only time I've ever seen Reeve portray any of the symptoms of the death," Limbaugh said. "He can barely control himself. Look - he just twitched!"

Left: Reeve before his disputed death

Limbaugh, while admitting there is a possibility that Reeve could actually be dead, argued that the actor was "a shameless whore" in his stem cell campaign.

"Reeve is allowing his death to be exploited and in the process is shilling for a Democratic politician," he said. "Now people are telling me they have seen Reeve in interviews and he does appear dead. Big deal - even as a dead guy he's symptomatic of the whiny leftist agenda that is ruining this nation."

A Guest Editorial by Seymour Lewis, Perpetual Bachelor

Lewis: Swinger, kid-hater, and all-around bag-o-douche

I have nothing against the human race. I love us. We’ve invented some great stuff, like silicone boobies and nacho cheese. If we ever meet aliens from way out in the cosmos, I bet they bow before our awesomeness.

But folks, this whole kid situation has gotten out of hand. Too long have the single minions of the world suffered the wailings of an unfed infant in their favorite movie theater. For too long we’ve had to shout our dinner conversations over the din of little Timmy at the local Applebee’s because he “DON’T WAN DIS GRILLCHEESE MAMA.”

So let me just say what is on every single person’s mind: children should be banned from the public sphere, no matter what repercussions come from the breeding community.

We could start simple; no kids around art. That means museums, theatres, concert halls, the Blockbuster Video down on Goddard Street, you get the idea. If there is valuable shit somewhere, keep those grubby-ass fingers covered in grape jelly out.

Yeah - boo-frigging-hoo, you cut your finger.

Next would be any place I’m getting my mack on. Restaurants, coffee shops, the back of a ’79 Nova, you get the picture. If I trip over another high chair while strutting through Starbucks to meet some fine filly, I’m gonna punch a kid in his medulla oblongata.

Finally, if these initial changes go over well, we could finish with government property. No fifth graders diligently studying in the local library, no parade of cracker spawn trailing their drunk-ass mother as she files into court to protest a DUI. And certainly no more mountain bikes with their little baby seats in the park—this bod breaks for no toddler.

If only we single folks could unite, we could reclaim our great country from these reckless parents. The American Dream is not about populating the planet; it’s about meaningless, animal sex that ends in a nasty cocktail of human fluids. Or a facial. Hey—it’s what our Founding Fathers wanted.

(Pyongyang, DPRK) The visit by US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice brought momentary cheers from residents of this North Korean city.

"Holy shit - where is the rice?" asked an emaciated Lin Soong, 36. "The stores have been empty all week, and let me tell you - tree bark is a poor substitute for a decent meal."

After learning that the rice in question was of the Condoleeza variety, Soong said that he and his fellow citizens are getting a bit tired of the rhetoric of the regime of Kim Jong Il.

"Yes, yes, the glorious roots of the Workers' Party of Korea and the mighty Songun revolution are very nice," he said, gnawing on a pickled pig knuckle. "But it's hard to stay awake during lectures on 'Fundamentals of Revolutionary Party Building' when breakfast was grass clippings and oak leaf tea."

Left: Sorry, folks - not that kind of Rice

Soong said that he would be "happy as hell" to let the North Korean government detonate as many nukes as they would like.

"Sure, let them wage the dynamic struggle for the accomplishment of the revolutionary cause of Juche, but could you throw us a little bread, too?" he asked, sucking the last of the marrow from the porcine metacarpal. "Mister, I would be all for my honorable mission as the part of the reserve combat unit and detached force of Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il in the sacred struggle for independence against imperialism and the final victory of the socialist cause. Just so long as I could fucking eat, you know?"

Parrish seeking help dealing with her "abdominal abomination"

(Tuscon, AZ) All the kicking, turning, and "jumping around" that her baby is doing has first-time mother Nicky Parrish worried.

"This is just not normal," she said, showing reporters the squirming activity occurring in her belly as she sipped a cup of coffee. "This kid is twitching like a freshly butchered chicken, and I haven't got a decent night's sleep in a week."

Parrish, who is in her 37th week, said that the unborn child began "spazzing out" around the 30th week.

"I was sitting in my car listening to 'Fergalicious' when all this kicking and punching shit started," she said of the excessive activity. "I really hope my doctor agrees with doling out some Ritalin for this manic little monster."

Left: Unconventional prenatal care, but Parrish is at her "wit's end"

Parrish believes that, while a different approach to a restless fetus, a prenatal regimen of psychotropic medications might be the best course in her future relationship with her child.

"This kid will come out of my womb focused, alert, and not screwing around with a bunch of distracted whining," she said. "I think it's best to start off with a baby knowing what the limits are, and that the world has no use for a kid dancing around like a flea on a flaming dog."

Left: Not to be denied

Despite recent setbacks, including the day you ripped into them for their loud car stereos in your driveway, a pair of local teens is "totally determined" to score with your teenage daughter.

"No doubt - she got it workin', and I aims to gets me some," said Tre Lowden, who lives in a part of town you've always told the kids to stay away from. "She, like, isn't a wannabe model, but she knows what a man needs, fo sho."

Tyler Oglivie, a member of Lowden's posse, described his "ultimate fantasy" involving your daughter.

"We did it in the kitchen, we did it in the hall," he rapped. "I got some on my fingers so I wiped it on the wall."

Lowden said that there is little you can do to combat the "madd threat."

"The only question is if me or Ty-Dogg is gonna be first," he chuckled. "Or if it will be a three-way with both of us going at it wit her. Either way, dis finese mama be ours, y'all."

Brinkmann is enthusiastic about mortuary and burial profits

The idea for Termination Stations© came to Lars Brinkmann several years ago.

"I was in line at McDonald's, of all places, when it hit me: franchise the funeral business," he said, walking with reporters through a soon-to-be opened franchise in Oak Grove, IL. "The potential economies of scale in a multi-location funeral franchise mean that an entrepreneur can pull in a 7-figure income by opening three Termination Station© units."

Brinkmann says that his business model makes the traditional funeral system "obsolete."

"Look - we handle eveything from picking up the body, doing the memorial service, and to tossing the last shovel of dirt on the coffin of the deceased," he said, displaying cost comparison figures on a PowerPoint presentation. "Sometimes the same employee does all three jobs, so you get the cross-training angle. We zap two to three middlemen and pass the savings along to the consumer. Or, in our case, the heirs of the consumer. Who's dead, you see."

Brinkmann's firm has developed signage, building designs, and standardized procedures for its Termination Station© concept

Brinkmann said that initial inquiries from potential franchisees have surpassed his expectations.

"I have always believed in the death business, but I am a realist - some people have trouble with dead bodies," he acknowedged. "But for those who don't mind a whiff of formaldehyde, or the occasional blast of odor from an open abdominal cavity, you can make a killing in this business. Heh-heh - a little trade humor, that."

Left: Honest, candid, and fond of sweet young things

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Toledo native Richard DeSouza, a grotesquely obese truck driver with several convictions for sexually molesting minors, officially announced his candidacy for the Presidency earlier this morning outside the Lucas County courthouse.

DeSouza, who is listed on numerous local and national sex offender registries, feels that his unique perspective as a self-proclaimed “lard-gut peder-ass” would help reform Washington and inject new energy into the Oval Office.

“How many more Republican scandals does America need before we put a premium on a man’s honesty,” DeSouza barked to passersby during his lunch break. “Am I a pervert? Yes. Am I a convicted felon? Yes. Can I eat four calzones in a single sitting? Yes. But damn it, folks, I can do better than Bush and all his Covert Commandos—it’s gonna be another 30 years before we know all the dastardly shit they’ve done on our watch.”

Left: DeSouza's campaign banner drives home his message

And while several Toledoans expressed their dire concern at DeSouza’s boisterous proclamations—not to mention his hazardous candidacy—a few locals found his creative rhetoric nothing short of refreshing.

“You know, that huge S.O.B. has a point,” remarked Monica Carter, a downtown hairdresser. “I mean, the thought of him anywhere near my little Becky makes me want to puke blood, but he couldn’t be any worse than Donny Rumsfeld. Didn’t that fucker shake Sadaam Hussein’s hand?”

(Beijing) Internet pharmaceutical firm Drug-2-You intends to "go farther than other guy" in becoming the top Web prescription firm, according to founder Jin Yee.

"No doubt - Drug-2-You bring you best sex you ever see," he said, plugging newly-purloined email addresses into a database. "You woman have best time all night with Ci@lis or Vlkagra - you see!"

Yee said that his company carries quite a few other generic drugs, derived from reverse engineering processes.

"Oh yes - we have Lev!tra and Va]ium, too," he replied as he sent out another mass email message for Vlkagra. "Our prices best on Net, and we offer full refund if dissatisfied. You see!"

Left: Yee's innovative e-marketing campaign

Yee said that Drug-2-You has several inherent advantages over traditional pharmacies.

"We have zero advertising cost - just this server," he said, proudly pointing to an HP ProLiant ML110 G3 quietly humming in the background. "Plus - we have zero overhead. Zero. My wife fill the bottles and ship. FedEx bring to you front door. Our merchandise very good. You see!"

Left: Lucky driver gets all the horny women

(Topeka, KS) Bambino's Pizza employee Richard Kwiatkowski notched his ninth "delivery bang" Friday night, much to the amazement of his coworkers.

"I don't know what to say - chicks just dig me," said the 44-year-old Kwiatkowski. "I mean, I'm decent looking and got a good package - don't get me wrong - but for one guy to have so many naked women greet him at the door? Must be divine intervention or something."

The longtime deliveryman said that Friday night's close encounter was "a special one."

"This chick, I swear to God - she was built like a supermodel and was dressed in this slinky negligee," he recalled of the customer. "Before I could say anything she threw the pizza box on the couch and went down on me. Right in the hallway. I tell you what - it was something for the record books, mister."

Left: One of the hot women who greeted Kwiatkowski at the door; photo supplied by R. Kwiatkowski

Kwiatkowski said that he has a "special system" for keeping track of the willing pizza purchasers.

"I can't tell you what it is - I'd have to kill you," he chuckled. "Seriously, though - I have a code that I put into the computer, and I make sure that I snag those deliveries."

Fellow Bambino's personnel, however, were less than enthusiatic about Kwiatkowski's "deep dish conquests."

"That lazy fuck is gonna wind up in the unemployment line if he gives me any more of those 45-minute trips to Nowheresville," grumbled assistant manager Mark Ferguson. "And I don't know what he's doing on these "trysts," as he calls them, but if I see any weird sticky shit on the pizza bags I'm gonna kick his pasty white ass across the parking lot."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Daly in all of his chubby-cheeked splendor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Nineties icon Carson Daly, whose last vestige of fame faded with rap-rock and WWJD bracelets, consumed a massive quantity of LSD earlier this afternoon to re-experience his oddball popularity from 1998, his first year of hosting Total Request Live.

Bystanders speculated that the former MTV VJ took the hallucinogenic substance because his current show—NBC’s “Last Call with Carson Daly”—has disturbingly abysmal ratings even for its 1:35 a.m. timeslot, and has been consistently outdone by infomercials, evangelical seminars, and the fuzzy-snow nothingness aired by competing networks.

“Holy shit man, are you Fred Durst?” asked a wide-eyed Daly to a homeless man beneath a lamppost in downtown Los Angeles. “Dude, we totally fucked something together. I don’t know what it was, but it was like, awesome. Toothpaste. Maybe it was toothpaste.”

Daly continued to engage passersby at random with his inane stream-of-consciousness dialogue.

“One time…man, one time I smeared dog food all over this groupie’s tits backstage at MTV’s Spring Break,” Daly revealed to a mailbox before surrendering to a close-eyed vision. “How was I supposed to know she was thirteen? Boy, were her parents pissed. We had to settle that shit out of court, but it was awesome.”

Left: Rogers "not impressed" with the tripping Daly

Pedestrians were struck with a mixture of sympathy and disgust at Daly’s verbal ejaculations.

“He kept calling me Tara Reid, and tried to tongue me outside Bart’s Bagels about a block from here,” huffed Felicity Rogers, 27, an L.A. paralegal who was enjoying the solace of her lunch break prior to Daly's unsolicited advance. “Somebody should call the SPCA or something. Lame-O former stars should, like, have their own version of the pound so we can euthanize them and move on.”

Left: Border collie not their key to happiness

(DeKalb, IL) After eleven years of fruitless efforts trying to conceive, Phil and Barbara Kellerman thought that they would try a different path to fulfill their parental urges.

"We brought [border collie] Mitzi home about six years ago," said Barbara, opening a photo album of the dog's first year. "Things seemed fine at first, but deep inside I knew that the dog could never really replace a real baby."

Phil believes that things "really went downhill" for the three of them when Mitzi was about 10 months old.

"Right about when Mitzi first went into heat, she and Barbara stopped getting along," he said, scratching his head. "Then right off Barbara took the dog in to get it spayed. She didn't even ask me about it. I can't help but think she was jealous of the poor dog."

Left: Mitzi wonders how it went so wrong so fast

Phil said that he really feels bad for the resentment that Mitzi has faced.

"It's not like it's the dog's fault or anything," he said. "But when I bring up to Barbara what a - well, total bitch she is to the stupid dog - she tells me that me and Mitzi ought to pack our bags and move out. I wish to God we had just gotten a couple of fish like I wanted."

(New York) While visiting the scene of another deadly Manhattan attack, President Bush used the opportunity to update his "Axis of Evil" troika.

"My fellow Americans - the Axis has been unbalanced since the overthrow of Sadaam Hussein in 2003," he said, reading from a prepared script. "I am therefore adding the New York Yankees on the list, joining Iran and North Korea as the most dangerous rogue organizations on the planet."

The President said that his decision to identify the Yankees as terrorists was a "slam dunk."

"Look - they have been the 'Evil Empire' for as long as I can remember," he said. "The enemy's doing everything within its power to destroy baseball and to destabilize the American League."

Bush said that "Yankee imperialism" must be stopped at "any and all costs," and that his administration intends to combat the threat from the "free agent terror."

"The goal of these so-called 'Bronx Bombers' is to remake the entire baseball world in their radical image," he said. "They reject the possibility of peaceful coexistence with the free world. Again, hear the words of Cory Lidle earlier this year: 'Up here, you don't think about baseball. It's something that takes you away from everyday life.' Enough said - these Yankees are ruthless killers who will stop at nothing to defeat their enemies."

(Muncie, IN) Frank Harrison has been a copy editor and headline writer for the Muncie Star Press for nearly thirty years, but he believes he is just now coming into his creative peak.

"I was mulling over this North Korea story when the word hit me: fallout," he told National Nitwit reporters. "I mean, doesn't that just say it all? Plus it's like a pun, see, because fallout happens when a nuclear explosion occurs and it's also a word that can mean 'consequences.' So you think a little and laugh a little."

Harrison said that his first choices were not quite as witty.

"I originally came up with 'North Korea Drops Nuclear Bombshell,' but that could definitely be taken the wrong way," he said. "Then I thought something like 'North Koreans Ignite Firestorm of Protest,' but I thought people might not see the pun. But finally 'fallout' came through for me."

Left: Headlines "say it all," says Harrison

If the United States takes military action against North Korea, added Harrison, he has a "humdinger of a headline" already picked out.

"I'm definitely going with 'Kim Jong Pretty Ill,'" he chuckled. "Get it? See, his last name is Il, so I played with it and came up with this one. Just keeps cracking me up every time I read it!"

Left: Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya

(Moscow) The worker's compensation claim filed by the children of the late investigative journalist Anna Politkovskaya has been denied by Russian officials, the National Nitwit has learned.

Politkovskaya, 48, was shot dead on Saturday at her apartment block in central Moscow in a killing prosecutors linked to her work.

"The requirement that these workers’ compensation claims be presented in the first instance for an administrative determination is a necessary and inherent part of the overall adjudicative framework of the Workers’ Compensation Statute,” wrote an official for the state claims agency. "Besides, we heard it was really a jealous lesbian lover who offed her. You know how deviant those journalists are."

Left: Certificate denying the comp claim

Politkovskaya's work had been highly critical of the government of Vladimir Putin, and many have raised the question of government involvement in her killing. Still, the state denied the comp claim, and the ruling spelled out the state's argument:

Each injury or condition that is alleged to give said claimant the right to participate in the workers’ compensation fund must be considered as a separate claim for purposes of RC 37925.44 and 39443.17, and each such claim must be adjudicated through the administrative process in order to be subject to judicial and administrative review, nothwithstanding the contrary. And we also heard that Politkovskaya was on the payroll of British Petroleum, and that she liked to have sex with underage girls.

Russian President Vladimir Putin spoke about the killing today in a press conference.

"Délo drjan' -I want to emphasize that whoever did this for whatever motives, we must find the culprits," Putin told reporters today. "This crime must not go unrewarded. I owe some bábnik a big favor."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—A mere two days after a stern warning from the United Nations Security Council, North Korea became the eighth nation in human history to demonstrate the sweeping power of nuclear weaponry.

According to the Associated Press, despotic leader Kim Jong-Il responded to the successful detonation by remarking, “Hells yeah. You reporters go tell world they can eat our balls and buttocks. Somebody fetch my Metallica records — it’s party time in Pyongyang, bitches.”

And while Washington has yet to offer an official statement at the time of this report, it is rumored that President Bush is more offended by Jong-il’s insult than the test itself, which sent massive shockwaves throughout the Korea peninsula, registering at 4.2 on the Richter Scale according to the US Geological Survey.

“Why, that slanty son of a bitch,” Bush remarked privately to one of his close aids, who spoke with the National Nitwit under the auspices of complete anonymity. “Eat his ass and balls? Jigga what? Someone get me a dozen F-16s and his daughter’s home address. I hope they kept good dental records on the girl — it’s go-time.”

While insults will undoubtedly continue to fly in the coming days and weeks, the international community seems precariously disquieted by this escalation in both word and deed.

“This couldn’t come at a worse time for us,” bemoaned Russian president Vladmir V. Putin. “And by us, I mean the royal ‘us,’ because my fantasy football team is fucking 4-1 right now. My boy Peyton Manning can do no wrong. So much for the season. Now I have to like, lead and shit.”

Left: Wilkens is all smiles

(Los Angeles, CA) The stress of handling up to 100 calls per hour began to take its toll on Convergys call center employee Sam Wilkens, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

"I spliced into the incoming phone line, adding a switching unit. Then I ran a 100-foot phone cord through the ceiling and back to the call router," he chuckled. "Whenever things get too hairy, I flip the switch and send all my calls back to the router. Voila - peace and quiet."

Wilkens said that his "workload readjustment" has gone unnoticed by coworkers and management.

"Everyone else is too busy to notice that I am screwing around playing Tetris and composing poetry," he said, pausing to check his email. "And management only breaks down call volume by the entire office, not by individual worker. The only check they have on me is the log-off software, and I keep my access screen open the entire shift."

Left: Closeup of Wilkens' unauthorized system modifications

The WRP (work reduction program) has not been without its drawbacks, acknowledged Wilkens.

"Sometimes people look at me funny in the breakroom, because I am in a good mood the entire time I am at work," he admitted. "One of the supervisors made me do a drug screen, figuring I must be smoking dope to be so laid back in this hellhole. I almost feel guilty sometimes, at least until I remember that these asshats are only paying us $11 an hour. Then I smile all the way to the bank."

Left: Smarnigalb "unimpressed" with proposed border fence

(Brownsville, TX) News that President Bush signed legislation providing funding for the building of a border fence to keep out illegal aliens was met with derision by local Martian immigrants.

“Are you kidding me? I can jump over that shit,” said Grujurb Smarnigalb, a spokesbeing for the group. “Not to mention the fact that we usually tool around in land speeders, which can either fly above or obliterate with xenon trioxide pellets this pathetic attempt at border security."

Smarnigalb said that his intergalactic compatriots "would not be deterred" by the construction of the fence.

"The Nebularians will just get angrier, and are even more likely to want to come here just to annhilate you," he chided. "And I don't even want to think about what this will say to the Jassaroids, who view chain-link as an overt symbol of ethnic intimidation. Hoo-eee - I'll bet they go all anti-matter on your asses."

Left: Laws of unintended consequences at play?

Perhaps the most "preposterous" assumption behind the fence, added Smarnigalb, was the mistaken idea that all border crossers are similar in form.

"There's a whole universe of multi-dimensional, shape-shifting, and composition-morphing beings out there who will not be deterred by this goofy setup," he said. "And as for your Mexicans - most of them are driving through at the checkpoints. You'd have better luck stopping an ant colony from getting at a sack of sugar with a couple of cheese graters."

Left: Chalmers in an undated photo

(Los Angeles) An auction of more than 700 items belonging to singer and actress Cher has raised more than $3.5 million. Chicago resident Mel Chalmers was among the fortunate bidders, plunking down $168 for a pair of the pop diva's panties.

"They've got a couple of stains, but they're still pretty nice," he told National Nitwit reporters. "If you sniff deeply you can still get a whiff of Cher. All told, I'm pretty lucky, I guess."

Chalmers said that he has been a Cher fan "for a really long time."

"My mom got me hooked on 'Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves' and I suppose I've been hooked ever since," he said, placing the prized briefs in a hermetically-sealed display case. "I've been milking the monster to her pictures since I was about 11."

Left: Stains, be damned - Chalmers now has a piece of a pop idol

Chalmers has no plans to have the slightly sullied underwear cleaned, and he insists upon keeping them in their "ideal" state, just as Cher last wore them.

"No, definitely not," he said, dusting off the display case. "I want to savor every filthy, musky remainder of Cher-ness that lingers from touching her quivering honeypot. No, sir - these panties stay au fétide."

Left: Picket fences among the styles being considered

(Brownsville, TX) For members of Congress, passage of a bill to wall off 700 miles of the US-Mexico border offers evidence of their collective determination to crack down on illegal immigration. For homeowners along the border, a new battle looms over the exact type of fence to be used.

"I always dreamed of a white house with a white picket fence lined with a bunch of petunias," said Tina Sadler of Brownsville. "Just because a mess of illegals are coming across my yard shouldn't mean I have to look at some ugly-looking cinderblock wall every day."

Neighbor Garrett Tucker prefers something a bit more intimidating to prospective illegals.

"I want a 12-foot cyclone fence with razor wire and barbs across the top," he said, waving his arm toward the area in which his ideal fence would be erected. "Any beaners cutting through my property are gonna leave a quart of blood behind."

Left: Tucker envisions a "world of hurt" for border jumpers

Sadler took issue with Tucker's ideas.

"Listen - I want to see them Mexicans writhing in pain like every other red-blooded American," she said. "I'd just rather plink 'em one-by-one with my .22, that's all. Does my house have to look like a Hogan's Heroes set? I think not, mister. I worked hard to plant these daisies, and I'll be damned if a crew of runaway enchilada-munchers are going to ruin my yard."

Left: One of tomorrow's terrorists plotting new attacks and disrupting Operation Iraqi Freedom

(Washington, DC) Noting that Iraq is in "great danger" of descending into full-scale civil war, Bush administration officials gathered to discuss possible replacement codenames for the US military activities in the troubled nation.

"Face it - even our own generals are pessimistic about the chances for peace," said White House spokesman Tony Snow to the gathered advisers. "I suggest something like 'Operation Shit Pants' or 'Mission: FUBAR' to more accurately describe the situation on the ground over there."

Deputy Secretary of Defense Gordon England disagreed, arguing that the new name should convey a "sense of purpose."

"I am more partial to 'Operation Clusterfuck,' because we owe the men and women serving America a name that shifts blame upwards, but not too high up," he said. "I also kind of like 'Situation Asshattery,' but I am not sure that one translates very well into Arabic."

Left: The desire for a new war name brought top minds to the table

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Peter Pace indicated that he preferred a "throwback" codename.

"Something with the word 'desert' in it, like 'Desert Quagmire' or 'Desert Shit-Hole' would be pretty good," he said. "But we need something different, because the only Iraqis with 'freedom' got right the fuck out before everything went to hell."

Left: McCready with girlfriend in front of television

(Poughkeepsie, NY) Aaron McCready, an "occasional" fan of the television program Lost, has a question about the continuation of the show.

"Look - somebody is filming these poor people, right?" he asked in between handfuls of popcorn. "Then why doesn't someone in the camera crew help them out and report their location?"

McCready indicated that he, himself, would "have a hard time" leaving the island every night if he was a member of the crew.

"My God - that's a heavy responsibility," he said, shaking his head. "They must have some killer non-compete and disclosure agreements, too. Otherwise, how would they keep this island so secret?"

McCready's longtime girlfriend Sarah has not let him in on the fact that the program - while compelling drama - is not reality TV.

"There's a lot of things that Aaron misses, like our anniversary, or the fact that we are going nowhere in this relationship," she said. "Or that sex is supposed to be mutually rewarding. That kind of stuff. So I'm not surprised he's in the dark about some fucking television show, you know?"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Foley singing his own wanton song

(Washington, D.C.)—Mark Foley, the congressional representative from the 16th District of Florida who resigned last Friday amidst a whirlwind controversy, blamed his newly-revealed alcoholism and sexual indiscretions on legendary rockers Led Zeppelin earlier this morning.

Foley — who is accused of sending tawdry emails and instant messages to underage male pages — cited the raucous, larger-than-life personae of Led Zeppelin members for his licentious behavior.

“As a member of the Baby Boomer generation, I grew up idolizing rock stars that chronically abused alcohol and engaged in sexual promiscuity, often with minors,” Foley tearfully read from what is now viewed as his last public speech before entering rehab. “Led Zeppelin wielded massive influence on my unethical actions, and now that I am looking at some serious fucking jail time, I place the guilt squarely on their shoulders.”

Foley continued to assert his innocence while documenting Zeppelin’s “spiritual manipulation.”

“You people ever play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backwards?” Foley pleaded, his voice ravaged by guilt. “It says TOUCH YOUNG BOYS. How was I to overcome that kind of persuasion? God knows I tried, but by the time Jimmy [Page] starts that goddamn solo, I’m back on the computer, begging 15 year-old boys to slather me with maple syrup and eat out my asshole.”

Zeppelin: Dazed and confused by Foley’s antics

But despite Foley’s heartfelt claims, the surviving members of Led Zeppelin offered their unequivocal denial of his allegations.

“The man’s sick, mate—simple as that,” remarked singer Robert Plant in an exclusive phone interview from his London flat. “If he had smoked an ounce of hash and stuck a mud shark in some girl’s fanny, then yeah — we're guilty as charged. As it stands? He’s off his bloody rocker.”