National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Cooter Reveals the Horny Holocaust Victim Within

(Toledo, OH)—Local actress Trish Cooter, star of such adult films as Whore Buffet and Fingerblastin’, recently accepted the title role in an upcoming pornographic biography of Holocaust diarist Anne Frank, despite the fervent protests of local churches and religious organizations.

Minotaur Pictures’ Magic in the Attic is slated for production later this month, and will feature a set in the historic West End to recreate the ambiance of 1940s Nazi Poland. Though the film has a meager $9,000 budget, producers hope it will have blockbuster appeal for its scintillating action, captivating dialogue, and ethnically diverse cast.

Director and screenwriter Shawn Biggs claims that the film will be an accurate and moving portrayal of a young girl caught in the harrowing brutality of war.

“What the religious community fails to realize,” Biggs scorned, “is that this story has been abused, warped, and thoroughly cheapened by Hollywood sleazeballs for decades. 1949’s Hidden Away had a fucking eunuch play Anne, and 1968’s psychedelic musical Jew Love was downright abysmal. We’re bringing integrity, and a bit of lust, back to this narrative.”

But few Toledans share Biggs’ view. Father James Patterson of St. Mary’s Parish called Minotaur Pictures “a heretical affront to all that is pure in this world,” and vowed to lead the local Catholic opposition by staging sit-ins and other forms of nonviolent demonstration outside the production zone.

Rabbi Eli Schwartz, an Ann Arbor activist well known for his crusades against adult entertainment, also lamented what he called “a racist venture” worthy of “apoplectic rage” among the Jewish community.

“Is this what Americans what to watch these days?,” Schwartz sadly wondered, “all this schtupping and shvitzing and meshugge business? I’ll tell you this: in a culture of schmuck jokes and dirtiness, only our ancient traditions can save us.”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—Many Americans in the 1980s were shocked to learn that most U.S. dollar bills contained trace amounts of cocaine as a result of “Me Generation” excess.

Now, twenty years later, a similar study has shown that most of the nation’s hundred dollar bills contain small but discernable quantities of a substance known as Exploitation, mostly from America’s minorities and working poor.

“This is a major breakthrough in the field of currency analysis,” said Dr. Timothy Baxter, a leading analyst at Johns Hopkins University. “Originally, our team was working on ways to insert tiny microchips in U.S. bills to monitor every financial transaction made by Americans, but when we discovered the Exploitation, our team was sent in a whole new direction. Frankly, we thought this stuff went extinct in 1865. It’s a rare find.”

Not all scholars agree with Baxter’s assessment, however, and the debate is gaining considerable momentum on Capitol Hill, where both parties are scrambling to conduct their own studies to possibly refute these findings.

“This whole dialogue is based on one study, and I think publications—even reputable ones [such as the National Nitwit], are jumping the gun here,” explained Jim Wilson, spokesperson of the bi-partisan think-tank Fuck Working People (FWP). “Until more research is conducted, that Exploitation is an unknown variable, nothing more. For all we know, it could Debasement, or Injustice, or Greed particles that have mingled with Corruption molecules.”

Wilson added with a tone of assurance: “I suggest concerned citizens continue with their lives as if nothing has happened, and let special interest groups and the federal process take care of this. We’re almost done with the Katrina quagmire, so we should be able to knock this baby out by Thursday.”

Left: Rowling grows tired of series

(London) Get ready Harry Potter fans - JK Rowling unexpectedly announced the release of a new addition to the Hogwarts series.

Harry Potter: Prison Bitch is expected to simultaneously turn off old fans and tap into new markets, said Rowling.

"The little bugger has been asking for it," the author said. "I am so fucking sick of this character that I will do anything to get free."

Rowling, while refusing to disclose the reasons for Potter's incarceration, admitted that some fans will be "shocked beyond recovery."

"Yeah, the young readers are in for some nasty business, but Harry is such an insufferable little bastard that I had to do it," she said. "Now I just have to figure out how to keep him in the gaol, because you just know he's going to cast a spell or something and get his lily-white arse out."

The author said that she had no regrets about the new direction for the series.

"I should have done this years ago," she said. brrreeeport krugle

A semi-regular feature at the National Nitwit

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)-You will meet a mysterious stranger in an elevator. Then you will belch, and the moment will be forever gone.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)-The assistant manager of the Stop-n-Rob where you work makes a pass at you, but you don’t find acne rosea very attractive.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)-While eating Captain Crunch Crunch Berries ®, you taste something salty. You realize that you are chewing on human flesh. Why it would be in your cereal bowl is anyone’s guess.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- As you sit in your efficiency apartment plotting world domination, you realize that you need at least a BA to get hired by the United Nations. You boldly register for that 1000 level Psych course that has been your undoing twice in the past.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)-The astrological sign says it all, pal. Go out and live; you’ve only got a couple of months left.

Leo (Jul 23- Aug 22) - You rifle through the medicine cabinet at a party and find an anti-viral shingles medication. ‘What the hell,’ you think, and wash a few down with some beer.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) – You realize that you have on one beige and one black sock. You play it off smooth, arguing that this is all the rage in Poughkeepsie. No one is buying it, though.

Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22) – On the way to class, you see a sign that says “Stop.” ‘No way,’ you smile. ‘The man is not telling this cat how to live!’

Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21) -You re-label your all your Crayons to be politically correct. ‘Yellow’ becomes ‘Asian,’ and ‘Red’ becomes ‘Fucking Communist.’ Hey, we won the Cold War, right? USA! USA!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) While surfing for online porno at the library, you realize that some nine-year olds are looking over your shoulder. You tell them to beat it, and then smirk at the witty double entendre you have just created.

Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19) – You get on a crowded bus with a Tupperware container labeled ‘body parts.’ You hope someone will say: ‘Are those really body parts?’ whereupon you plan to chuckle and show them it’s only goulash. No one takes the bait, though.

Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18) – You decide to volunteer at the homeless shelter downtown. ‘Just a volunteer,’ you cheerily say to the guy at the door. ‘No cot for me!’ you say to no one in particular. You spend the morning helping a man named Mookie fill out car wash applications, and feel good about yourself. Yes sir, this is truly a land of opportunity. brrreeeport krugle

Left: South Dakota's vision of the future for women

(Pierre, SD) Moments after the South Dakota Legislature approved a ban on nearly all abortions in South Dakota, lawmakers indicated that they are prepared to return women "to a more pure era" by outlawing women's suffrage and the right to own property.

"I think the stars are aligned," said House Speaker Matthew Michels, a Republican. "Simply put, now is the time to get women to return to a life of being barefoot, pregnant, and always ready with my next beer."

Left: SD House Speaker Matthew Michels (R)

Michels said that a woman's place is not just in the kitchen.

"A woman should be allowed in the bedroom, the bathroom, and out to the barn, but that's about it," he said, scratching his testicles. "When they stray too far from the house, women get a lot of crazy ideas. It's better to nip that shit in the bud."

One of the hidden advantages to the elimination of women's rights, according to Michels, is domestic harmony.

"When a woman knows where she stands, she is a lot more at peace with the world," he said, belching across the legislative chambers. "Hey - What do you do when the dishwasher quits working? Give up? Smack her across the face! Get it? That one's hilarious - you wanna hear some more?" brrreeeport krugle

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC) After months of research and development, the Pentagon announced today that it would name its latest helicopter prototype the “Susquehannock” after a small but noble Mid-Atlantic tribe, which was wiped from the planet by disease and starvation well over two centuries ago.

The choice is the latest in a long-standing tradition which has seen many tribes—such as the Black Hawk, Comanche, Chinook, among many others—lend their heritage to aerial warfare.

“This is a giant leap forward in military technology,” stated General Tom Oberlin, who spoke to an elite core of pro-military reporters earlier this morning. “I can think of no greater honor for the first Americans than to share their name with a spectacularly destructive instrument of death. I only wish they were alive to see it.”

Oberlin seemed optimistic the Susquehannock would be fit for battle later this year.

“We hope to have this puppy tomahawking Iraqi children by Christmas,” Oberlin confidently remarked. “This machine is a fitting tribute to the proud Susquehannock people and their Great Spirit, and our servicemen will remember that every time they bomb a church or hospital back to the Stone Age.”brrreeeport krugle

Left: Gaudy mosque to make way for shiny new Taco Bell

(Samarra, Iraq) Contractors detonated bombs inside one of Iraq's holiest Shiite shrines Wednesday, destroying its golden dome and clearing the way for the Big Bell Value Menu to make its debut in this Iraqi city.

Bill Pearce, Chief Marketing Officer of Taco Bell, the world's largest Mexican food chain, said the landscaping is simply part of the company's brand and image.

"We want to be perceived as the bold choice in quick service restaurants," he said. "We want our landscaping to enforce that and obviously landscaping is the first thing a customer sees when they scratch their heads at the absence of a mosque."



With the gleaming dome of the 1200-year old Askariya shrine reduced to rubble, Pearce said that residents of Samarra will soon see the chain's signature purple bell where once walked two revered Shiite imams, who are considered by Shiites to be among the successors of the Prophet Muhammad.

"We have integrated the imam tombs into the dining room design," he said, gesturing toward a laptop blueprint. "We are also thinking of naming a new product - the Caliph Crunch Taco - just for the grand opening."

"Many ignorant people will be pushed to do the same to the Sunni sacred places," said Brig. Gen. Mudhir Moula, a high-ranking official in the Iraqi Defense Ministry. "We can only hope that the Sunnis get something bad to eat, like Baghdad Burger outlets. That would serve those infidels, and may they be cursed by Allah by never getting a straw for their drink at the drive-thru. That's a righteous curse, my friend."brrreeeport krugle

(San Quentin, CA) The State of California decided to try an alternative method in the execution of convicted killer Michael Morales after notifying a federal court the state could not comply with court-ordered requirements for carrying out his death sentence using lethal injection, a court clerk said on Tuesday.

"They notified us they weren't proceeding with the execution by lethal injection tonight," said Cathy Catterson, court clerk for the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, referring to a notice from the state attorney general. "Instead, they have decided to engage in "death-by-six-Louisville-Sluggers," first used in Chicago in the 1930s."

The approach, in which relatives of the victim beat the ever-loving snot out of the death row inmate, drew praise from the court.

"Now that's some smart thinking!" exclaimed US District Judge Jeremy Fogel. "Can I get in on some of that?"

The 24-hour death warrant for Morales was set expired at 11:59 p.m. yesterday. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger promptly issued another warrant.

"This should be a fun time, and I will bring Maria and the kids," he said, clenching his fists. "There is nothing like a good, old-fashioned vigilante killing. YES!"brrreeeport krugle

(Washington, DC) Joining a list of newly reclassified public documents, the US Constitution has been removed from public access.

"There are sections of this document that should be hidden from public view," said Mark Greider, spokesman for the Information Security Oversight Office. "We feel that our job of fighting terrorism and protecting American freedoms is severely curtailed by easy access to sensitive documents like the Constitution."

US intelligence agencies have been removing thousands of historical documents from public access. The restoration of classified status to more than 55,000 pages began in 1999, according to the New York Times.

Greider said that the Constitution could provide terrorists with "critical intelligence" that would slow terror plot investigations.

"We don't need to have terror suspects whining about shit like "due process of law" and "unreasonable searches and seizures" when we are grilling them," he said. "Locking up the Constitution is the first step in protecting the liberty of Americans."

The reclassification program is shrouded in secrecy and governed by a still-classified memorandum that prohibits the National Archives from saying which agencies are involved. Greider said that he hopes the program itself returns to obscurity.

"What were we talking about again? I must have Alzheimer's disease," he said.
brrreeeport krugle

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—The beloved Geico Gecko was arrested early this morning as the lead suspect in a horrendous hit-and-run accident that occurred late last night on the Sunset Strip, leaving two dead and one man in critical condition.

While the Los Angeles Police Department declined to comment pending “an ongoing investigation,” several eyewitnesses place the Gecko at the heart of the collision, which occurred at approximately 2 a.m.

“That son of bitch all over road,” recalled Sonia Marquez, a migrant worker from a nearby motel. “He crazy and drunk. Man, he one eye on lamppost, one eye on hooker, no eye on stop sign.”

And as if this weren’t enough trouble for the young Cockney star, an exclusive National Nitwit investigation has revealed his financial joyride—a staggering $8.2 million contract signed just last week—may soon come to a screeching halt.

“That limey bastard hasn’t paid taxes since he gained dual citizenship back in ‘02,” revealed Jim Dugan, an administrative clerk at the Internal Revenue Service. “Unless he’s got some lost Beatles recordings hidden up his ass, he’s gonna spend his final days in a zoo.”

(New Orleans, LA) Donald Beauchamp thinks he may have stayed in the funeral business a "few bad years too many," and expressed unhappiness with his career decision.

"Used to be you'd get an occasional break in dead body arrivals, but we've been going full tilt since Katrina hit," he said of the monster hurricane. "Between the initial flood victims, the recovered bodies, plus the dysentery and suicides, this place has been nothing but death."

Beauchamp, whose funeral home is a mere three miles from the 17th Street levee, said that the "tidal wave of death stench" is beginning to get to him.

"We are spending over $1000 a month on Clorox bleach just to keep this place from turning into a maggot nursery," he said through a protective mask as we toured the embalming room in his family business. "I swear to God the smell almost makes me want to puke now, and I have been getting a whiff of decayed flesh each day for over 40 years."

Worst of all, said Beauchamp, is his belief that he may be sinking into clinical depression.

"Every day we got more sad people in here than a Baghdad wedding party," he said. "It's getting to me. I can't even cheer folks up any more. They come in bawling and screaming, and I just want to smack 'em in the face. I can't take this shit any more."
brrreeeport krugle

(Tampa, FL) President Bush, addressing a question posed to him by an audience member of a rally in this Florida city, implored the nation's business leaders to help with an estimated 10 million illegal aliens.

"If there's a willing employer and a willing worker on a job an American won't do, then it's OK to fill that job, so long as you're not here permanently," Bush said. "I therefore ask this country's CEOs to create at least 5 million really shitty jobs for these greasers to work. That ought to be enough, since a lot of these shifty bastards are just going to collect welfare, anyways."

Bush said that many of the country's border patrol officers are spending more time chasing Mexican immigrants who are trying to find a job in the United States than they are looking for actual terrorists.

"Agriculture relies upon a lot of people willing to do the work that others won't do," he said. "So I urge the nation's farmers to to grow another 500 million tomato plants so these suckers can get busy."

While acknowledging the nation's immigration problem, Bush denied that he is being soft on illegal immigrants.

"I am just as sick of the rest of you hearing these cha-cha songs on the radio, instead of wholesome music like Josh Groban," he said. "There's nothing I'd like better than driving a big-ass bulldozer through these low-riders when they gather in the McDonald's parking lot. But they're here, and we may as well get 'em working instead of trying to get in your high school daughter's pants, right?"

Subcomandante Bob says: "Brrreeeport."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—In a short press conference held earlier this morning, President Bush announced that he had finally finished reading the entire “Berenstain Bears” book series, and that they had made an indelible impact on his life and leadership.

The epic catalog—which encompasses a wide range of picture books and novellas—consists of over 250 texts, and is considered by many to be an impressive accomplishment for the Commander-in-Chief.

“Folks think Condi [Rice] is the only intellectual in this administration,” Bush quipped as he casually leaned forward on his podium. “But I want the American people to know they have a thoughtful president, a diligent president—a leader who understands the dangers of put-downs and too much junk food.”

When asked by a National Nitwit correspondent how he found time to read given his whiplash schedule, Mr. Bush appeared eager to boast of his scholarship.

“Well, I skip a few meetings now and then, Billy…that goes without saying,” Bush candidly revealed. “But know this—the War on Terror is profoundly stronger thanks to the struggles of Brother Bear and Sister Bear. If I have any say in it, they’ll eat a supper of Osama bin Rabbit before their adventures are over.”

(Washington, DC) Hundreds of letters to National Nitwit from concerned consumers describe odd visions of creepy insects.

(Actually, it was three, and we made them up. Whine about it to the lawyers.)

"I started taking this shit a month ago, and began to see these bizarre green butterflies," wrote Michelle Richardson. "I'm afraid to take this drug again."

Lunesta (eszopiclone), according to its manufacturer, is a "prescription sleep aid that can give you and your restless mind the sleep you need." Readers say Lunesta gives them more than they bargained for.

"I was just beginning to relax when the bugs showed up," said Yancy Pamell, of New Hampshire. "How the hell can a person sleep with flying insects in their rooms? I'll tell you how - they can't. I'm going back to NyQuil and vodka."

Another writer reported questioning his sanity.

"I often find myself taking my nailclippers and slowly chopping down my nails to bloody stubs, allowing droplets of blood to drip on a piece of paper, which I mail to my ex-girlfriend," wrote Iggy (last name withheld). "I have never actually tried Lunesta, so I don't know if this helps your story, but Melinda might want to try it. That's my ex-girlfriend. She's going to come back, one way or another, once she realizes the depths of my love."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Choctaw, OK)—At 103, Bruce Jenson is the nation’s oldest cowboy, and is seen by many to be a living relic of America’s mythic Wild West.

Recently, however, Jenson ended his stoic silence to offer a message of protest to the producers of blockbuster drama “Brokeback Mountain.”

“I don’t know what goddamn history books those fellas been readin’,” Jenson shakily vented in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit, “but we spent most of our time ridin’ mules in the Montana wilderness and cookin’ rabbit stew. None of us had pretty blonde wives fawnin’ over us like the boys in that movie.”

Jenson was also angered by the inaccurate portrayal of technology in the film.

“We didn’t have them shiny Chevrolet trucks, and we certainly didn’t have nylon rope,” Jenson spurned. “When you got tied up by your buddies, you felt the sting of raw hemp on your thighs for weeks.”

When prompted about the movie’s homosexual themes, Jenson appeared less indignant.

“Queers? Son, let me clue you in,” Jenson reminisced. “After a long day on the trail, there was always one ride left to take…you hear me knockin’?”

(Washington, DC) "Chippy," a longtime companion of Vice President and Mrs. Dick Cheney, spoke to reporters yesterday about what he called "justifiable paranoia" after the Texas shooting incident involving lawyer Harry Whittington.

"To tell you the truth, I am scared shitless," he said from his perch. "I never really trusted that man; to find out what he's been doing to other birds - it's pretty freaky."

Chippy said that the Vice President has always seemed resentful of the attention that Mrs. Cheney dotes on him.

"He likes to sneak up behind me when I'm dozing and make cat noises," he said, pausing to eat some safflower seeds. "Listen - that's just ignorant."

One of the worst things about being around the Vice President, said Chippy, has been his fascination with guns.

"The asshole is constantly pointing his finger at me like a pistol and going: 'CLICK,'" said the six-year old cockatiel, whistling the first six notes of "Gunsmoke". "Yeah, I know it's not real, but that kinda crap can really mess with your head."

(Washington, DC) National Rifle Association President Sandra Froman spoke to National Nitwit today about the recent Texas shooting incident involving Vice President Dick Cheney.

"The Second Amendment is quite clear - Mr. Cheney can shoot whoever the fuck he wants," said Froman. "It's both a God-given and Constitutionally-protected right."

Mr. Cheney accidentally shot a prominent Austin lawyer named Harry Whittington while the two men were on a quail hunting expedition in South Texas on Saturday, firing shotgun pellets at the man while trying to aim for a bird.

Froman believes that Cheney should have used a more powerful weapon.

"If he had been carrying the M16A2 5.56mm semiautomatic rifle, Whittington would have been dropped on the spot," she said. "Instead, this lawyer lives to file another frivolous lawsuit against an American corporation."

White House officials, who did not make public the shooting incident for 24 hours, did not say how Mr. Whittington and Mr. Cheney were acquainted. Froman said that she hoped Cheney would follow up.

"There's nothing worse than allowing game to escape while merely wounded," she said. "Mr. Cheney should follow the trail and finish the poor bastard off."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Starkville, MS)—Researchers at Mississippi State University revealed earlier this week that people with hearing impairments are actually mentally disabled, and are incapable of comprehensive, rational thought. This refutes over a century of liberal rhetoric which maintains that deafness is a mere physical disability, with no correlation to intellectual aptitude.

“While our findings may be shocking to some, our results are undeniable,” said lead scientist Dr. John Bishop. “Deaf people are mongoloid freaks, and should be kept from the public at all costs. Personally, I feel they should be burned at the stake like 14th century pagans, but hey—that’s me.”

Bishop described one interview with a deaf participant.

“I asked this idiot the same question, like, 50 times, and he just kept staring at me,” he said. “What more proof do you need?”

Bishop said that many of the participants in his study demonstrated some odd behaviors.

“They kept doing this weird shit with their fingers when I asked them questions,” he said. “It really started to creep me out. I believe that these people are not only retarded, but have some strange obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

Many have contended MSU’s findings, however, and argue this recent development is another attempt to thwart civil rights.

“Oom va mata greesh,” asserted Marsha Quillen, president of Mississippians for the Hard of Hearing, a non-profit volunteer organization. “Goy ven ber wup crik otum.”

And while many pundits feel this is only the beginning of a larger national discourse, the MSU campus is abuzz with conflict and tension.

“I bagged a deaf chick once,” revealed junior Mark Irving, 24, an economics major. “Did I take advantage of her? Well, in hindsight, maybe so, but what jury is gonna convict a guy based on sign language?”

(Turin, Italy) This city below the Alps gave a heartfelt welcome Friday night to the Winter Games, a fiery opening ceremony dedicated to passion and to igniting the competitive spirits of more than 2,500 of the world's best athletes.

The buoyant mood of the event, however, was marred by the instantaneous combustion of ceremonial skaters.

"Jesus - fucking - God - help - me!" screamed an unidentified victim careening around the stage whilst engulfed in flames. "AARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

Dozens of Italian firefighters chased the half-dozen ignited skaters with fire hoses, which proved ineffective against the petroleum based accelerant.


"All I wanted to do was share some peace and goodwill to the world, and now I am a fucking circus freak!" screamed Helga Svensson of Sweden. "Look at me. Just LOOK AT ME!"

Olympic authorities were at a loss for the accident, but vowed to devote security resources to the investigation.

"This kind of thing really burns my ass," Turin's security chief Goffredo Sottile told reporters. "But did you see that one chick flailing around on the ground to put out the flames? Man, that shit was funny! I mean, I feel bad for her, but it was like watching your dog trying to get a piece of meat you've tied to its collar. Hilarious!"

(Kuala Lumpur) Bothered by a "strange personal stench" pop diva Madonna engaged in an all-out effort to identify the source of the stench.

"Jesus Christ - it smells like a rotten fish chooped up and blended with minced garlic," she said. "Fuck!"

A Malaysian television station censored pop icon Madonna's performance at this week's Grammy Awards because her bestial mustiness might offend viewers in the mostly Muslim nation.

"We decided that from our point of view, Madonna's performance was not suitable for the 21:30 primetime audience," a mask-wearing official with Malaysia's 8tv television network said on condition of anonymity. "The stink coming from her nether regions could be smelled at least 14 rows back into the crowd."

Experts brought in by the pop star's manager were unable to isolate the source of the fetid rankness.

"Clearly there is something odoriferous and nasty emanating from Madonna, but it appears to be of an internal variety," said a gagging sanitation specialist. "We urge Madonna to pay a visit to her gynecologist."

(Washington, DC) President Bush said the US - led global war on terror has "weakened and fractured" al Qaeda and allied groups, outlining as proof new details about the multinational cooperation that foiled purported terrorist plans on the West Coast.

"We have significant evidence that an al Qaeda plot to drop smoke bombs in mall restrooms has been foiled," said Bush. "The same operatives intended to drop cherry bombs in the toilets, creating what they called a "totally gross" sanitation scenario."

Bush praised a multinational task force to root out the terrorists.



"It took the combined efforts of several countries to break up this plot," the president said. "By working together, we took dangerous terrorists off the streets. By working together, we stopped a catastrophic attack on our nations public toilets."

"Omigod, it was just a joke," said accused al Qaeda operatine Missy Rogers. "One minute we're skipping scool and hanging out, and the next there's like 200 SWAT dudes screaming at us. That was SO uncool."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Spy Gnomes: See No Evil, Hear No Evil?

(Washington, DC) In a stilted and defensive manner, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales denied allegations earlier today that the NSA has conducted a secret surveillance program using beard gnomes to track correspondence between suspected terrorists both domestically and abroad.

Gonzales’ rhetoric met with stern skepticism on the Senate floor, however, where both Democrats and Republicans were quick to rebuke the Bush Administration’s recent ambiguity on national security issues.

“Mr. Attorney General, the American people need the truth,” boomed Senator Harry Reid of Nevada. “Do you have any knowledge of a covert program that puts tiny gnomes in the stinky beards of potentially-innocent Muslims?”

Gonzales, unflappable, defended his ignorance with calculated precision.

“Mr. Senator, I tell you in good faith that I know of no such program,” Gonzales said flatly. “Besides, as a Latino American, I really have no authority to speak about beards. Now if this was a discussion about lizards in scrubby mustaches, shit—I’d be a goddamn Rhodes Scholar.”

(Washington, DC) Citing "pigmentary preference," Crayola crayons descended on the nation's capitol today to demand that they each receive their own history month.

"It's not right that Black gets its own month, while the rest of us crayons stay in the box," said Midnight Blue. "What's so special about Black? The only time anyone uses Black is on the margins."

Another crayon said that Black History Month is just an attempt to mollify a certain crayon for historical wrongs.

"So Black had to sit in the back of the box all those years, big whoop," said Bright Red. "Me? I'm the first one that kids try to eat, since I look like candy. And look at Burnt Orange over there, sitting all by himself. Kids never use Burnt Orange until every other color is used up, but nobody gives him a Burnt Orange History Month."

Other crayons spoke to the logistical difficulties faced by 128 different colors competing for 12 months.

"Yeah, some of us will have to share, there's no doubt about that," said Raw Umber. "And some of us, like Blue Green, have some identity issues that need to be worked out. But dammit - there's no good reason why Black should be the only one with a History Month."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Boston, MA)—Just hours after the Pittsburgh Steelers won a decisive victory in Superbowl XL, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced that he would take a job as a contractual drywall worker until late summer.

Brady, who made a brief appearance during the Superbowl coin toss wearing a stylish velvet jacket, seemed confident in his decision.

“I regret that the Patriots could not compete in this landmark game,” Brady revealed before a small audience of lingering journalists as fans trailed from Ford Field. “That is why I have decided to work freelance construction gigs until the coaching staff needs me back on the turf.”

The former Super Bowl MVP said that he has learned from the best.

"I was watching these wops slap that shit around in my rec room last year, and I just jumped right in with them," he said. "Since then I've drywalled my garage, the doghouse, and the little shed I keep the garbage cans in. I'm a natural!"

Brady was confident his hammer and trowel would improve many homes in the Boston metropolitan area in coming weeks.

“The media loves to portray me as some sort of pretty boy,” Brady quipped. “But I can work like a Chinaman on a Colorado railroad. You know the Stewarts on Vine Street? I’m about to run a clinic on their unfinished basement—just you watch.”

(New York)Actor Al Lewis, best known for his role as Grandpa in 1960s TV comedy "The Munsters," denied rumors that he died yesterday at the reported age of 82.

"Listen, brother - I'm a freaking vampire, OK?" he said. "If you've ever watched a B flick on cable you know that we are immortal."

Lewis became a familiar face on US television for his role as the irascible Grandpa Munster in the 1960s sitcom, which saw him sporting an elaborate Dracula costume.

"That was no costume - those were my real clothes," he said, drawing a black cape around himself. "One of the untold stories about that series is that most of the actors were, indeed, otherworldly, undead freaks who couldn't get work anyplace else."

Lewis worked as a basketball scout, a restaurateur and ran for governor of New York at the age of 75, but nothing ever surpassed his role in "The Munsters."

"Yeah it was a great show, but too many people mistook it for comedy," he said. "We were deadly serious. The studio used to send someone to blood banks for me, which was one of the best things about that gig."

Left: The couple in happier days

(Austin, TX) Cycling champion Lance Armstrong and rock star Sheryl Crow have split up five months after announcing their engagement, the couple said in a joint statement on Friday.

Crow blamed the breakup on "certain important biological information" that Armstrong failed to tell her.

"Look - I am a pretty easygoing woman and someone who is accepting of all people, but the whole "missing Milk Duds" thing was just too mch," she said. "For months I always wondered why he changed in the dark, and freaked out if I turned on a light after sex. I can't believe he kept this from me for so long."

Their attempts to conceive a child had been fruitless, Crow said, and she realizes now why fertility specialists kept giving her "funny looks."

"In hindsight, I knew about the whole cancer deal, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he's - you know - neutered," she said. "But maybe he could have actually SAID SOMETHING about how he was missing some necessary parts?"

Armstrong denied that he deliberately misled his former fiancée.

"Hey man - she should have been smart enough to figure it out," he asserted. "Jesus Christ - the cancer spread from my testicles to my lungs and brain. Did she really think there was much left? What a ditz." . \ . .

(Washington, DC) Members of the North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) gathered in the nation's capitol to protest what they called "unnecessary government intereference" in the lives of American pedophiles.

"Listen - any child left behind ought to be rightfully ours," said a spokesman for the group who declined to be identified. "This law makes it even harder for us to score."

The spokesman decried what he called "legislative butting-in" on traditional territory of pedophiles.

"Don't you think the government should be more worried about terrorists?" he asked, offering nearby children candy from a bag. "We don't want to blow anything up. We are just looking for a few good children."

The passage of 'No Child Left Behind' caused many pedophiles to rethink their beliefs.

"A lot of us just shook our heads when we heard this," said the spokesman. "It's bad enough they have Megan's Law and all that other crap without making sure no child is left behind. Damn!"

The world's most famous weather prognosticating groundhog was found dead in his burrow at 7:23 a.m. Thursday, apparently the victim of accidental ingestion of the rat poison Warfarin.

"Efforts to revive Phil have been unsuccessful," said Mike Johnston, a member of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club's Inner Circle, the local businessmen responsible for carrying on the tradition. "Herbert McFadden tried to give him mouth-to-mouth, but it was so gross we made him stop. I think he was actually getting into it."

Each February, thousands of people travel to Punxsutawney, a town of about 6,100 people located northeast of Pittsburgh, celebrating what had been a German superstition. Many gasped in horror as the city's mayor carried out the corpse.

"What the hell, man," said Jacob Thulewaite of Marina del Rey, CA. "We traveled 2,500 miles to look at a dead gopher?"

Weather experts are divided in their interpretations of the event. Some believed that the shadow from the dead groundhog suffice to mean another six weeks of winter. Others disagreed.

"Viewing the shadow of a dead body is a sure way to bring a curse upon the land," said Vince Condella, WITI-TV, Milwaukee. "I think that this is a dark omen that portends an era of death and destruction, or at least eight weeks of some really nasty weather."

(Washington, DC) In his State of the Union address President Bush announced a goal Tuesday night of reducing dependence on Middle East oil by 75 percent before 2025, and he believes he has a novel plan.

"America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world," Bush said. "The best way to break this addiction is through the harvesting of those greasy illegal aliens."

Rising gasoline prices are a critical element in Bush's falling poll numbers. Oil prices are approaching record levels, while illegal immigration continues to plague the nation, said the President.

"By issuing shoot-to-kill orders to immigration agents and Minutemen, we will be able to tap into the true potential of illegal immigrants," he said, pointing to a chart behind Vice President Dick Cheney. "One pound of human flesh has about 3500 calories, so the average 150-pound Mexican represents bout a half million calories. That's about 2100 BTUs, which is enough to heat your house for about two days, if the kids don't leave the front door open."

Despite the silence from seated congressional Democrats, Bush continued.

"With the ten million or so illegals in this country, we could light up the entire US interstate system for 312 years, " he said. "It's time that we tapped into alternative energy sources to break the cycle of energy addiction, while getting rid of those illegal aliens."

Virginia governor Tim Kaine, speaking for the Democrats, criticized the plan.

"The President's plan is not a better way," he said. "At best, the greaseballs would give us about 5 years' worth of oil, and after the bastards figure out that they are getting turned into vats of oil, that oil source will dry right up. What then Mr. President?"