National Nitwit

Left: Ageless Dick Clark knows how to party

(New York) Perennial teenager and New Year's host Dick Clark told National Nitwit reporters that he has some "wild-ass plans" to rock in the new year.

"Me and my boyz show 'em how we do it in da dirty. We just mob the dancefloor rocked back and lean wit' it," he said. "I'll be back fo' sho' wit da bitches and blow, and my boyz bringin' da Hennessy."

With some speech ability still impaired, Clark made a dramatic return to his New Year's show in 2005 after his stroke. Clark said that his medical problems are "no big thang."

"Me and my boyz wuz cruizing through the mall the other day, checking out some fly shit at Chessking, hooking up some new Oaklies, and it was all good," he said, adjusting his rolled up pants over his Timberlines. "This year's show be off the chain, and we can't wait to start it, y'all. Hopefully me and my boyz can get started under j-free alright."

Left: Git it started, a-i-e-e-e-e-e-t?

Clark said that he and his crew will "take no shit" in their quest for celebratory zeal.

"Fuck around, dig in my treasure, feel my forty-five long. Ride through, about to slide through, I'm right beside you, you get me?" he said, motioning to a piece inside his jacket. "We be camoflaged like salamanders, a keen fun fest sneakin by machine gun nests. The MPs failed the test cuz we up in their base, no stress, and I'll wait by the door and stab 'em while you start grabbin.'"

Labels: Dick Clark, Hennessy, Rockin' New Year's Eve

Left: Angelina Jolie in hot lesbian sex

(Columbus, OH) National Nitwit, America's premier site for prevaricative news, has obtained photos of femme fatale Angelina Jolie, documenting her in lesbian orgies, FFM threesomes, FFFF foursomes, and assorted wild sex.

"Pretty much every type of hot Angelina Jolie sex you could imagine is here," said Subcomandante Bob, editor of National Nitwit. "We have Angelina Jolie in girl-on-girl sex, outdoor sex, shower sex - brother, it's epic!"


Left: Threesome with Angelina Jolie and two lucky dudes

Angelina Jolie was unavailable for comment, said a spokesperson at her publicist's office, who added that the beautiful actress was distressed at the release of the photos.

"We were a little surprised, to say the least," she said. "But you have to figure that a bodacious babe like Angelina Jolie would be interested in more than just Brad Pitt and ."

Nude Angelina Jolie in 69 with a hot babe

The most popular of the Angelina Jolie nude photos has been one that was described by Subcomandante Bob as a "massive sex-off."

"Dude - it was like nothing I had ever seen before. Chicks having sex with chicks, threesomes, foursomes - just crazy sex everywhere!" the enigmatic editor enthused. "I'm just glad our photographers were able to capture all this wild Angelina Jolie sex for posterity - it was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime orgy."

Editor's note: Complaints from Angelina Jolie's management team forced Google to censor these pictures. Natonal Nitwit apologizes for this inconvenience, and hopes to resolve this temporary censorship through the legal system in order to bring you more hot sex pics of Angelina Jolie.

Labels: Angelina Jolie nude pics

(Chevy Chase , MD) Members of Neanderthalian activist groups gathered outside the corporate headquarters of insurance firm GEICO to protest what they called "demeaning and insulting" caricatures of the proto-human beings.

"They dress up a 'caveman' in sweaters, have him order some shit called "Roast Duck with Mango Salsa," and have him carrying tennis rackets," complained Graak, a leader of one band. "Our material culture is based upon tool kits consisting of stone-flakes, task-specific hand axes, and spears. No tennis rackets, and no gay-ass cashmere sweaters, thank you very much."

Graak said his group was "highly pissed" about recent GEICO ads showing a "caveman" with a therapist.

"No self-respecting "caveman" would be caught dead with a human therapist, except if we were gutting and eating her," he insisted. "Besides, that GEICO actor clearly has no crest on the mastoid process behind his ear opening or the broad, outward-projecting nose so much a staple of Neanderthalian beings. He's a total fake, and pretty much a girly-boy."

Left: Graak says this is an "insulting stereotype"

Among the "dead giveaways" evident in the GEICO caveman, said Graak, are the perfect teeth in the television actor.

"Look at those things - you can tell that pretty-boy there has never gnawed on a mastadon bone or sharpened a spear point with those dainty teeth," he said, grunting in disgust. "What's more, we Neanderthals are prone to dental enamel hypoplasia due to food scarcity, trauma, and disease. GEICO may slip this twinkie-man past uneducated viewers, but we are offended by their efforts to portray us as a bunch of limp-wristed sissies. BRAAAAAAR!"

Labels: GEICO, GEICO caveman, Neanderthal

Left: Rachael Ray in hot lesbian sex

(Columbus, OH) National Nitwit, America's premier site for prevaricative news, has obtained photos of femme food fatale Rachael Ray, documenting the goddess of grub in lesbian orgies, FFM threesomes, FFFF foursomes, and assorted wild sex.

"Pretty much every type of hot Rachael Ray sex you could imagine is here," said Subcomandante Bob, editor of National Nitwit. "We have Rachael Ray in girl-on-girl sex, outdoor sex, shower sex - brother, it's epic!"


Left: Threesome with Rachael Ray and two lucky dudes

Rachael Ray was unavailable for comment, said a spokesperson at the Food Network, who added that the erstwhile food guru only recently joined the cable channel.

"We were a little surprised, to say the least," she said. "But you have to figure that a bodacious babe like Rachael Ray would be interested in more than extra-virgin olive oil and Vodka Cream Pasta."

Nude Rachael Ray in 69 with a hot babe

The most popular of the Rachael Ray nude photos has been one that was described by Subcomandante Bob as a "massive sex-off."

"Dude - it was like nothing I had ever seen before. Chicks having sex with chicks, threesomes, foursomes - just crazy sex everywhere!" the enigmatic editor enthused. "I'm just glad our photographers were able to capture all this wild Rachael Ray sex for posterity - it was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime orgy."

Editor's note: Complaints from Rachael Ray's management team forced Google to censor these pictures. Natonal Nitwit apologizes for this inconvenience, and hopes to resolve this temporary censorship through the legal system in order to bring you more hot sex pics of Rachael Ray.

Labels: Rachael Ray, Rachael Ray nude

Guest editorial by Willy the Goon

44 million people visit New York City this year. Willy want to SMASH each and every stupid tourist head.

Tourists make city too busy. Toruists stare and laugh at Willy when he yells at them. Tourists ask too many questions, and tourist children need to be spanked with orange palstic HotWheels tracks, like Willy's mama did when Willy was bad.

Tourists are stupid heads and wear stupid clothes and eat stupid foods.

When Willy sees stupid head tourist cars, he climbs in and shits GIANT DOOKIE in their cars. HA! HA!

Stupid heads all want Times Square

"But Willy!" Mayor Michael Bloomberg says. "Tourists spend $24 billion in the city this year."

Willy does not care. Willy will SMASH tourist cars and SMASH tourist stupid hats and SMASH all stupid head tourists. And take a GIANT DOOKIE in their cars.

Willy DOES NOT want to take medicine. Group home supervisor can kiss Willy's ass, after Willy SMASH group home supervisor.

Tourists bad, like a plague on cultural sensibilities. Willy SMASH them.

Labels: Big Apple, NYC, Willy the Goon

Guest editorial by Jacob Whitten, smitten Iowa State student

(Ames, IA) I don't really know how to say this, so I guess I'll use the direct approach.

I have been staring at your sexy butt ever since you left the Memorial Union.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a stalker or anything. I walked out behind you from the Union, and I was, well, transfixed. I have never seen a more perfect-looking ass in my entire life, not even in a magazine.

I was actually just going to the Alumni Hall, the next building over, but I just couldn't help myself. I just kept walking and reveling in the unparalleled beauty that is your rear end in those oh-so-tight jean shorts.

Oh, I know what you're probably thinking: "Like, what's the number for campus security?"

Can you blame me?

God, I know I sound like a creep. I swear I've never done anything like this, unless you count that semester in Chemistry when I spent almost the entirety of every class period staring down the shirt of this girl who sat across me with low-cut tops, beautiful braless breasts just staring - STARING - back at me.

I followed you past Beardshear Hall, past Marston Hall, and even past the library. I even followed you past Spedding Hall until you got into your car in the parking lot, maybe gone from my life forever.

But if we ever meet again, would you like to go out sometime? Or could I just get a picture of your butt in those shorts to - err, save for posterity?

Thanks a million!

Left: Mitchell is "disgusted on many levels"

(Ann Arbor, MI) University of Michigan law student Curtis Mitchell says that he keeps a clean dorm, but is not quite a "neat freak."

"I just like to keep my belongings orderly and my space looking decent, nothing too special," he told National Nitwit reporters early this morning. "But what Josh did to my room might never be fixed."

Mitchell said that dorm acquaintance Josh Kirkwood stopped by a few hours ago, and left behind an unwanted gift.

"He came in here, kicked off his nasty Jordans, and the foot funk hit me straight away," said Mitchell, shuddering at the olfactorial recollection of rancid feet. "I was all like: 'Yo - get that shit right out of here,' but the damage was already done."

Left: The source of the persistent stench appears to have emanated from Kirkwood's feet

Mitchell said that "stank particles" seem to have fastened themselves to his carpet, resisting his efforts to eradicate the foul smell.

"I've tried everything: baking soda, Carpet Fresh, Lysol - my room has been permanently fouled," he said, looking down at the odoriferous floor covering. "It's like the dude hadn't washed his feet or socks in six months. I mean - that kind of shit is just wrong, you know?"

Labels: foot odor, University of Michigan

(Heaven) Jesus Christ, reviewing the performance of his team in the Pearly Gate fantasy football Super Bowl, expressed "disgust" with the results of his team management.

"I can't believe I started Michael Vick over Vince Young at quarterback," He said, shaking His head. "Young threw for two TDs and ran another one in, while Vick had two picks, no TDs, and only threw for 109 yards. Fuck me - I'm going to lose to some smart-ass cherubim in the Super Bowl."

Christ said that his team had overcome "tremendous obstacles" in even reaching the fantasy championship.

"All year long I've been cursed with injuries. First Donovan McNabb goes down, and then Kevin Jones, and [second-round WR pick] Steve Smith turned out to be a bust," He said of the season. "Yet despite some astute moves, like snatching [Rams' RB] Steven Jackson in a wicked horse trade with Archangel Michael for Duante - freaking - Culpepper, my team rolled over and died today."

Not even 2 TDs and 252 total yards from Steven Jackson could save Christ's fantasy team

Christ said that, barring an illegal Divine Intervention, the only way he can win now is for Laveranues Coles to score 4 TDs and rack up 210 receiving yards in the Jets-Dolphins Monday night game Christmas evening.

"We're almost to halftime, and Coles has one catch for six yards," He said, grabbing a handful of Doritos as he watched the scoreless game on ESPN. "And Coles dropped one pass that hit him right in the chest. I swear to Me - I am never playing this fucked up game of fantasy football again."

Labels: fantasy football, Jesus Christ

A Guest Editorial by Bruce Rogers, Vietnam War Purple Heart Recipient

Rogers taking comfort with a bronze statue

When I was a kid, man, I loved the holidays. They were the best time of year around my house, and I used to wake up at 5 a.m. on Christmas morning, tear down those steps, and wait patiently for my brothers and sisters to shuffle down with our parents so we could tear open our presents from Santa.

But my childhood was stolen from me by an evil succubus whore named Vietnam, and now the holidays only remind me of my dead buddies, blasted to smithereens in the hellish rice patties of Southeast Asia.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Bruce, Vietnam was over and done with over thirty years ago, can’t you just let it go and have some eggnog with the wife and grandkids?”

The answer is a resounding no, you commie fuck-head. Ever wake up to the sound of artillery fire on the day your Savior was born, and then celebrate that day by eating cold Spam and locusts? Didn’t think so. I bet your ass went to Yale on daddy’s dollar and now wants us to bring our troops home from this noble campaign we got over there in the sand dunes of Mortaritaville, right when the tide is about to turn on those towel-wearing scat-munchers.

Sometimes we would fry up the holiday Spam, when we could find a cheap-ass stove, or when we were shacking up with some diseased, slanty-eyed hooker in Saigon. Yeah. Some fucking holiday.

But I digress.

The holidays are a horrible time for any veteran. All we want to do is reflect and tell the story of our M-16 jamming right during the Tet Offensive for the 739th time, but even our relatives from out of town are more concerned with their new socks, Japanese electronics, and Britney-fucking-Spears.

So this year, when you’re trying on those new flannel pajamas, remember ol’ Bruce here. I shot countless women and children from long range so you could enjoy this goddamn holiday, and the least you could do is honor my dead buddies by lighting a candle. Or buying me a beer. After all, we deserve as much.

Labels: Christmas, holidays, Iraq war, Vietnam

Iverson urging his dogs onward to Denver

(Denver, CO) Allen Iverson has been cleared to play his first game with the Denver Nuggets, passing his physical after arriving at the Pepsi Center by a team of huskies pulling a sled about an hour before Friday night's game between Denver and Sacramento.

"Damn - it's cold as hell out here, but I hope to warm up by the third period," a shivering Iverson told reporters. "Who do I got to pay off to get the heat turned up round here?"

Iverson was traded Tuesday by the Philadelphia 76ers to the Nuggets for Andre Miller, Joe Smith and two 2007 first-round picks. The Nuggets also got Ivan McFarlin, who accompanied Iverson on a 200-mile Iditerod-style trek across the wintry Colorado landscape.

Iverson said that the bitter cold inhibited not only his travel westward.

"Y'all ever try to light a Blunt in 55-mph blizzard winds?" he asked reporters. "Cannot be done, my friends. I had to eat the damn dope to cop a little Mcbuzz action."

A few of Iverson's possessions got lost along the way

Iverson said that he hopes the blizzard does not portend an icy relationship with Denver Nuggets fans.

"I did not drag my freezing ass all the way through that motherfucking blizzard to play for a bunch of rich white people sitting on their hands," he told reporters in the Nuggets' locker room. "So they better get off their asses and make some noise, or I'll turn that goddamn sled right the fuck back around for someplace warm, like Charlotte or Miami."

Labels: Allen Iverson, blizzard, Denver, dogsled

(New York) The furor over the Miss USA partying scandal has spawned a feud between real estate mogul Donald Trump and talk show host Rosie O'Donnell. The controversy also sparked a war between media outlets over headline plays on pet Trump phrases, most common of which is the substitution of "You're sued!" in place of "You're fired!"

MSNBC achieved notoriety in the debate today, as it joined the fray with what turned out to be the one-thousandth headline proclaiming "You're sued!"

"We made sure we held out until 12:47 today so we could take the number 1,000 spot," said Dan Abrams, general manager of MSNBC. "We're feeling pretty good over here right now."

MSNBC beat out online news site Human Events for the honor. Coming in just after the MSNBC coup was ABC.com.

"We thought we timed it just right, getting our 'You're sued!' on at 12:49 pm," said ABC president David Westin. "Those MSNBC bastards were just a bit too fast."

The clever play on words "You're sued!" just fits, doesn't it?

Abrams said that MSNBC copy editors were "really unsure" about the exact headline they would end up using.

"The first choice was 'You're fired,' but that didn't fit, since Rosie doesn't exactly work for Donald," acknowledged Abrams. "Then we thought about 'You are a fat disgusting herpefied lesbian whore,' but we figured that was a bit over the top, because the word 'disgusting' might not quite fit. Then Stan [Henderson, chief copy editor] came up with 'You're sued!' and the rest, as they say, is history."

Labels: Donald Trump, Rosie O'Donnell, Tara Conner, You're sued

(Cleveland, OH) Street preacher Isaiah Jeremiad has long abhorred the commercialization of Christmas, railing at passersby on Euclid Avenue against the "corporate tentacles of Satan" and the "demons dressed as harlots" who entice mall shoppers.

He has become particularly vexed, however, at the proliferation this year of inflatable nativity scenes, and is undertaking a one-man campaign to obliterate them from the greater Cleveland landscape.

"Those air-filled monstrosities are a symbol of everything that is wrong with modern Christianity," he said, shaking his fist at pedestrians. "They're plastic, full of hot air, and nothing but a cheap caricature of the real Nativity!"

Jeremiad said that he uses a variety of means to attack what he calls "visual blasphemies."

"Some I shoot with a BB gun, and some I walk right up and stab with this steak knife," he said, showing off a 4-inch blade. "And then there's some I douse with gas and ignite. I usually only do that at when some heathen sets one up in front of a church. A CHURCH! Are you trying to tell me a CHURCH can't take the time to set up a decent Nativity scene?"

The object of Jeremiad's ire

The crusty street preacher said that he has another tactic against the "unholy gas bags."

"I go into Kmarts and WalMarts and poke these contemptible abominations. It's kind of like a preemptive strike against Satan," he explained. "I figure it's probably still a sin, but if Jesus can get away with overturning the moneychangers' tables in the Temple, God Almighty will give me a pass on this one. Besides, can you just see the look on Mr. and Mrs. Sinner's faces when their wicked little purchase goes p-f-f-f-f-t? Ah, the simple joys are what really count during the Christmas season."

Labels: inflatable nativity scenes, street preacher

(Dallas, TX) A federal judge will hear arguments this week over claims that global coffee manufacturers and distributors knowingly distributed a product that is addictive.

Moreover, argue attorneys for the plaintiffs, representatives of brands such as Maxwell House and Folger's actively pursued the development of coffee beans with ever-higher caffeine contents.

"They knew that coffee caused people to get hooked, and they knew the danger of addiction," attorney Daniel Herndon told jurors in the Dallas, Texas courtoom. "Every time they had a chance to share the truth with the American people, they lied."

Herndon is representing Jared Fackelman of Plano, TX. The attorney said his client became a "raving, caffeine-addicted psychopath" within months of developing his coffee habit.

"If you become addicted to coffee, you have a 4000 percent greater chance of developing road rage than nondrinkers," Herndon said.

Fackelman during his "addiction terror"

Fackelman said in a deposition that he never would have started drinking coffee if he had known it would be so difficult to quit. Herndon said Fackelman still had to have his twelve cups of coffee a day, even after his wife left him for someone "less wired."

"Why didn't they warn of the danger of addiction before Jared Fackelman was hooked?" asked Herndon. "I'll tell you: it's about profits and about creating a captive audience of addicts, that's why."

Fackelman said that the lawsuit is not about the potential $10 million judgment.

"I want to make sure that Juan Valdez and his cronies can never again turn someone's life into a living hell," he said, looking off into the distance. "The coffee industry’s targeting of children goes far beyond marketing and advertising - they want to get you hooked and turned into a lifelong coffee zombie, crawling around downtown in hopes of finding a Starbucks open at 4:00 am. Pretty goddamn sick stuff, and I should know - I lived it."

Labels: coffee, lawsuits

Left: Legendary skill

(Rochelle Park, NJ) Sources close to motorist Todd Langton said the New Jersey resident exhibited "world class dexterity" during a recent road trip up the Garden State Parkway, competing 147 distinct tasks in a five-minute span.

"Todd was definitely in a zone," said front seat passenger Kevin Zorn, of Hackensack. "I have never seen a human being simultaneously drive a car with one knee while eating a Whopper, hitting a joint, and answering his cell phone."

Among the "amazing feats" Langton performed during the stretch was fielding seven phone calls from estranged girlfriend Jessica Hillebrand, whose Acura the group of four young men had procured without expressed authorization.

"Jessie was, like, totally pissed, but Todd kept his cool and answered every call," said Zorn. "Meanwhile he managed open a beer and change the CD while finishing his shake and popping a couple of aspirins. The dude was just incredible."

Left: Jeff Gordon couldn't pull this one, no sir

At one point Zorn said he considered "docking him a couple of points" for one questionable maneuver at the three-minute mark.

"When he sideswiped a guardrail while chugging the beer during Jessica's fourth call I was going to assess a 10-point penalty," admitted Zorn. "But the way he straightened the car out on two wheels with his knees while finishing his french fries was fucking divine. Todd is, indeed, the man."

Guest editorial by Paul Flaherty, your neighbor

As a full-time neighborhood voyeur, I see almost everything that goes on in this part of town.

I gotta tell you though, dude - the skid marks on your underwear are grossing me out, and you need to do something about them.

Now, I understand that we all have accidents, like when you think you're going to rip a nice, juicy fart and get surprised with a watery rectal blast. It happens to the best of us.

But I think every pair of underwear you own has a brown stripe down the back.


Do you even use toilet paper, dude?

The other day I was watching your wife put on her nylons, slowly rolling them up her leg. Just as I was starting to stroke myself, in you walked with a pair of rancid-looking skivvies that was more brown than white. I swear I could smell them from my perch in the tree behind your garage.

Instant flaccidity, you know what I mean?

And - I'm not trying to threaten you or anything - but if this relationship is going to work, something's gotta give. It's up to you to take the first step, because there's plenty of other houses I could be watching.

Labels: editorial, underwear

(New York) Known for their clean cuts, superior quality and sophistication, fashion giants Hugo Boss announced the company will branch out into previously-uncharted style waters with a new line of clothing for Orthodox rabbis.

Bruno Saelzer, chief executive at Hugo Boss, said that the firm is "testing right now whether a major collection for rabbis would be a profitable venture," but added that focus groups have been "pretty upbeat" about the test.

"Let's face it - the Orthodox have been underserved by the fashion industry for a couple millenium," he said. "Just because they preach that the law is embodied mainly in the Talmud and Aggadah - which is intrinsically and inherently entwined with the written law of the Torah - does not mean that they can't say so with a little style."

Rabbi Yitzchok Kushner said that the new fashion designs were "long overdue."

"I love Hugo Boss since they have a comtemporary look and are easy to coordinate with your wardrobe," he said, looking at his new suit in the mirror. "They make great wardrobe basics. And, to be honest, it's time to update the Halakha, anyhow."

Left: Rabbi Yisroel Roth sporting a pair of the Hugo Boss "Sephardi Shades"

Saelzer said that - contrary to stereotype - the Orthodox rabbi focus group did not mention price as a major consideration when evaluating the new styles.

"They are more concerned about value - something that looks nice, wears well, and can stand up to abuse by immigrant dry cleaner workers," he said. "And I, for one, know exactly what they mean. If another one of those chickenhead-eating bastards ruins one of my silk shirts, I swear to God I'm going to burn down his fucking store."

Labels: fashion, Hugo Boss, Orthodox Judaism

(Hollywood) While South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson is continuing to show signs of improvement after brain surgery, his party is taking nothing for granted.

Fearful that Republicans would gain a 50-50 Senate split should Johnson succumb to his life-threatening brain hemorrhage, party leaders worked with Star Wars film series producer George Lucas to develop a holographic likeness of Johnson to fill in until 2008.

"We had the technology, plus some photos and home movies of Tim, so it only took about 12 hours to pull off," said Lucas, testing the latest version of Holo-Tim. "We'll have a beta version ready to appear in Congress within a week, should we need to do so."

The timing of Johnson's return is uncertain, but Democrats would still be in control of the Senate if his recovery period extends into the new session because of the holographic Senator.

"Having Holo-Tim on board is just as good as the real Tim," said Democrat Harry Reid. "Plus, we can program Holo-Tim to vote any way we want him to."

No health problems with the Holo-Tim

Lucas said that the original testing on the holographic stand-in has been relatively glitch free.

"We did have a problem where he started saying 'Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope,' but that was a quick fix," he chuckled. "As long as Holo-Tim doesn't bust out with a 'Run, Jedi run! You have only prolonged the inevitable,' during a session of Congress, we should be okay."

Left: Conventioneers scoring during lunch break

(Washington, DC) Members of the National Association for Recidivist Crackheads (NARC) awarded the check-cashing/cash advance firm Check-N-Go its "Golden Pipe" for superior service to the nation's crack cocaine users.

NARC president "Tweaky" Williams lauded the company's efforts to provide quick cash to addicts.

"Check-N-Go offers instant access to check cashing, even without ID," said Tweaky, looking over his shoulder for cops. "I lifted this tax refund outta some guy's mailbox last week, and had $300 in my hand in ten minutes. THAT is service, friend."

Another benefit to using Check-N-Go, said the longtime crackhead, are the firm's employees.

"Loretta over at my local Check-N-Go knows me real well, yet she never gives me any shit when I come in with a check that says 'Verna J. Armstrong' or some other impossible name," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Sure, they take 25% off the top, but when a guy needs fast money there's no better place to go."

Williams: Check-N-Go is "tweakalicious"

Tweaky added that the company's employees are usually pretty sympathetic to the plight of drug users.

"Most places throw me out when I start imagining cops in the back room or crazy stuff like that," he said, scratching at bugs under his skin. "But Check-N-Go's not like that; they even pointed a camera away from me once when I started freaking. You don't get that kind of service at Cash-To-You or Check Jones, no sir."

(Newark, NJ) Saddened by the drive-by shootings of family pets in this crime-stricken city, local resident Larry Warren put his creative skills to work.

The 36-year-old inventor has developed a line of bird-sized Kevlar vests to protect songbirds from stray bullets.

"The way I figure, there ought to be a big market for these," he said, fitting one of his vests on an grey parrot. "You invest a couple hundred bucks in a fancy bird - you sure as hell don't want him taking a .44 slug in the old aviary thorax, right?"

Warren said he did not have any statistics on the number of pet birds shot by Newark gang members, but he knew of some anecdotal cases.

"Guy owned a macaw over on South 8th and Central. Bird's just squawking away like nobody's business, being a bird," he said. "All of a sudden - BAM! Bird drops dead, kids are crying, wife brings up the cost of the damn macaw- nobody wins, pal."

Warren: Keeping birds safe is his goal

Retailing between $39 and $69 per unit, Warren's bird vests have undergone considerable testing.

"It took us a while to get the right balance between bird protection and vest weight," he admitted. "After we blasted a half-dozen cockatoos during early testing, we had to switch to pigeons to keep the costs down."

Warren said that initial response from bird owners using the vests has been "pretty positive."

"People say the vests fit well, and birds that normally try to escape every time the cage opens can't fly away anymore," he chuckled. "And we've already had a couple of people test the vests on their birds with .22s and BB guns. Every bird has survived, although one lady's Budgie broke a couple of ribs. These are tough streets, man."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitiwt Rogue Editor

(State College, PA)—After accusations of racial discrimination rocked Penn State’s women’s basketball program last December, many administrators and faculty members desperately hoped that 2006 would be a year in which the university could rebuild its public image.

However, the recent appointment of a fortune cookie to head the school’s Asian Studies program has already outraged thousands of students, and is likely to create another public relations nightmare for the 150-year old institution.

“This is an outrageous, prejudicial slap-in-the-face to ethnic harmony in the academy,” remarked Dr. Fong-Tan Wu, Associate Professor of Physics. “Clearly, the cookie is incapable of leading without some good Moo Shu Pork. Ohh—or a plate of General Tso’s Chicken. That shit is da bomb.”

And while the cookie has yet to issue an official statement to the media concerning this controversy, many at Penn State have rallied to its defense.

“The cookie has a strong record, and I, for one, stand by its selection,” stated John McMurray, a former retiree and custodial arts specialist. “Back in ’78, I had one give me the best compliment of my life: ‘your love shall be everlasting.’ Such wisdom, my friend, can do no wrong.”

(Dallas, TX) A man named as a "person of interest" in a series of slayings in the 1990s says that he, in fact, is really "unremarkable."

"I have no idea why they find me so fucking interesting," said Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, as he wiped his blood-stained fingers on his work pants. "I work my ass off all day, drink a couple of beers while watching TV, then crash. Pretty lame life, if you ask me, but no one ever would, 'cuz I'm so totally unimportant."

The 35-year-old man is not being called a suspect, but investigators said based on some newly-uncovered information, they are taking the case in a new direction. Sheehan said that direction is "Nowheresville."

"Nothing at all worth looking at, at least if I'm the subject," he said, sliding a serrated bayonet under the front seat of his truck. "I'm about as dull as they come, unless you count disemboweling hookers and freezing their entrails for homemade haggis. The usual stuff."

Sheehan hopes to return to his "extrordinarily dull life" once the investigation is over, as he has a collection of severed index fingers he'd like to mount on his den wall.

"You just can't get shit done around here with these cops hanging around," he complained. "I swear to God I'm going to pack all this up and move out to the country, where neighbors aren't peeking out their windows at you all day. You know, the kind of place where a man can get some alone time, all by his boring self."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Moll at the height of his slack-jawed popularity, circa 1986

(Los Angeles, CA)—Richard Moll, one of the most iconic character actors of the 1980s for his idiosyncratic portrayal of bailiff Bull Shannon on NBC’s Night Court, was shaken to his very core yesterday evening when his 3-hour shopping trip at a Los Angeles mall was devoid of a single onlooker or gawking fan.

“I couldn’t believe it,” vented Moll, looking oddly distinguished with a closely-trimmed beard and turtleneck sweater in an exclusive interview with The National Nitwit. “I’ve had French people recognize me on a freaking walking-tour of the Bastille, but I couldn’t inspire a single camera phone snapshot here in L.A. It’s like people don’t even care about talent anymore.”

Moll in the 21st century - unnoticed and irritated

And while Moll seemed open to speculation that many younger Americans may have not had exposure to, or even heard of Night Court, he sweepingly rejected the notion that he was not, in fact, still an A-list celebrity.

“Sure, I don’t have the ‘face time’ that I used to, but I’m still just as famous as I was twenty years ago,” Moll beamed. “After all, I did an off-Broadway production back in ’97 which got two whole paragraphs in Rolling Stone magazine. But these kids today—they probably wouldn’t care if Christ himself appeared in Hot Topic and bought My Chemical Romance t-shirts for all of his apostles.”

Spiritual considerations aside, a random survey of teens at the mall seemed genuinely unaware of Moll’s self-described “striking countenance.”

“That huge scary lookin’ guy? I thought he was homeless,” remarked Tina Howe, 17, a retail clerk at one of the mall’s many jewelry kiosks. “Are you sure he ain’t homeless? Shit, at the very least he got cancer. His beard was all patchy, and he had this sea-green skin like a chemo patient.”

Guest editorial by Phil Swartz, marketing executive and lunch room regular

For many of you, getting a date can be a difficult task. I am here, however, to tell you that - when women throw themselves at you - life is good. I mean, really good.

Now, I'm not saying I can make you into a bitch magnet like me. Sorry - that's for one of those self-help book writers. No, I pretty much stand here as an inspiration, or as a testament to what life could be.

If you were me, that is.

I sleep with at least four different women per week, and have scored with as many as eleven babes in one weekend. Let's just say I speak their language, Kemo Sabe, and I know how to get a woman to say 'yes' to a roll in the sack.

And I am here to let you know about my conquests between 11:00 am and 1:00 pm every day, here in the company lunch room.

Sarah in accounts receivable? Let's just say that she knows how to post an entry, if you get me. And Lisa in customer service? Nibble on her earlobe and she turns into a sex-starved maniac, ripping your clothes off and going down on you in the copy room. Grrrrr!

Yep, I have bagged every babe in the company, at least twice. I'm always willing to overlook a bad first impression, especially if she's got a good set of assets. Remember Marisa, that hot 21-year-old intern from Philadelphia? Yes sir - nailed her four straight nights before I got bored with her. Gotta have some variety, you know?

Anyways, bud - keep it hanging low, and maybe someday you'll get lucky. Until then - see you tomorrow with more juicy details of my enviable love life.

What's that you say? eHarmony.com? No way, dude. That wasn't my profile. To be honest - chicks send me resumes. Got a stack of requests at home to bang the Philster. Must be some other middle-aged, receding-hairline guy named Phil.

One who women do not dig.

Guest editorial by Frank Jurgens, expert driller

Been reading about all that Alaskan drilling, and I got to admit: I'd sure like to do some of that.

You see, I've never had an Eskimo woman, or, for that matter, an Eskimo man. I did eat an Eskimo pie before, but that was like an ice cream. No drilling.

Yes sir - I'd have a couple of drinks with Uqalik, Tiriaq, or Ujarak and we'd get down to some serious drilling. I'd prefer that they wear something like seal skin or whale blubber, but if they just want to get jiggy in the igloo, that'd be okay, too!

Just so long as I get to drill me an Eskimo.

I've pretty much had every type of human there is - black, white, Mexican, men, women, teenagers - even a couple of Canadians one weekend in Windsor.

But I've never had me an Eskimo.

If the snow blocks are a-rockin', don't come a-knockin', if you get my drift

Yeah, I know, it's kind of shallow for me to be sexually fixated on a person's heritage, but there's just something about eating walrus meat and seaweed that gets me hot.

So, this is my goal. I'll have to save up some money for a trip up to Eskimo-land, but I figure it'll be worth it to do some real Alaskan drilling.

After all, I figure all that cold has got to, you know, shrivel the old drill bits, if you know what I mean. A well-hung guy like me's gotta be a regular freak show, and you can just bet I'll have no difficulty finding reservoirs for the old vertical shaft.

Left: Apparition in lawn with resemblance to actor Lance Kerwin (click to enlarge)

(Toledo, OH) After cutting his grass last month, local resident Keith Szydlowski noticed what appeared to be a face peering back at him in the neatly-trimmed blades.

"I was totally spooked, at least until I saw that it was Lance Kerwin staring back at me," he laughed. "Then everything was OK."

Kerwin was perhaps best remembered for his starring role in the TV series James at 15, which debuted in 1977. Szydlowski said that he "never missed an episode" of the teen drama.

"Me and James - I mean Lance - we were a team," he reminisced, emptying the grass catcher. "Especially when he nailed that Swedish exchange student - I mean, whoa. That was some serious television, friend."

Left: Kerwin in a 1978 studio photograph

Kerwin, following a 1989 drug bust and a subsequent embracing of Christianity, no longer works as an actor. Szydlowski said that there is "no freaking way" he would try to profit from the strange lawn manifestation.

"Listen- there has to be a reason why this vision appeared to me, his biggest fan," he said, carrying a bag of clippings to the curb. "For me to try and sell this on eBay would be an abomination, man, of everything that Lance stood for. Besides, I can probably make a few bucks selling lemonade and souvenirs once word of this gets out."

Erickson: Closet processed meat lover

(Toledo, OH) Brittany Erickson has been a vegan for "a couple of years," but admits that she occasionally binges on a most unusual food choice.

"I just can't stop eating those little Vienna sausages," she admitted in an interview with reporters. "If I see a can at a Mini-Mart, I am so screwed, because I will eat them until I puke."

Erickson said that she feels "really dirty" after scarfing containers of the canned links, and she considers this urge to be a form of compulsive behavior.

"I have to go in the shower and scrub myself - hard. Then I gargle with mouthwash to get the taste out," she acknowledged. "Still, I really crave something about those musky, salty sausages, and I need help."

Left: Deceptively addictive, and safe for up to ten years

Her secret obsession remains hidden from her vegan friends, Erickson said.

"It's not like they would disown me or anything, but this isn't exactly something I want to broadcast, you know?" she asked. "We were at a PETA march last week, and I had to sneak off and buy a couple of cans of that stuff. God, I am sick."