National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—Apple Computer, Inc. registered a patent earlier this morning in an attempt to gain exclusive rights to all intelligible occurrences of sound, thus tightening their stranglehold on American cognition.

This comes after the publication of some impressive fiscal earnings, which reveal that the iPod has generated over $2.8 billion in profits during the past ten quarters.

“We are quite proud of our product’s growth and marketability,” remarked senior spokesperson Tamara Jacobs. “It is our hope that within the next year, all your sound will belong to us.”

Not surprisingly, defenders of the iPod seemed unfazed by Apple’s bold bid for ownership.

“I feel incomplete without my ear buds,” stated 17-year-old Kurt Shilling, a senior at PS 241 in downtown Manhattan. “If Apple patented sound, I would never have to listen to my parents bitch about shirt laundry ever again. Besides, who needs words when you can listen to twelve different remixes of Kanye’s ‘Gold Digger’?” Mary Winkler

By Feckless Freddie, National Nitwit correspondent

(Los Angeles) More than 500,000 fry cooks, greasy low-riders, and hoochies took to the streets of Los Angeles last weekend to protest the prevalence of insulting caricatures of Latinos.

"Yo - like we are not all a bunch of crack-smoking cholas and stuff," said Angelita Culo. "And, like, get out my grille, you stupid wedo."

On Saturday, demonstrators streamed into downtown Los Angeles for what was expected to be one of the city's largest pro-wetback rallies.

"It's time for racist, ig-nant stereotypes to go the way of Cheech and Chong," said Cleto Quintanilla, puffing a fat blunt. "I love the color, the spice - hey vato, your sister is nice!"

“We had excellent cooperation from the shifty-looking wetback organizers, and the protesters only threw themselves into about ten police batons," said LA Police chief William Bratton, noting the dearth of incidents. "I really expected that these welfare-sucking, lazy-ass freeloaders would riot and loot the electronics stores, but I guess the hot sun and all those tamales made the crowd a little sleepy." Paris Hilton

(Washington, DC)—In a clear attempt to bolster approval ratings and inspire his core constituency, President Bush announced on Tuesday that Chief of Staff Andrew Card would resign almost immediately, and publicly offered the position to esteemed pundit and political consultant Billy Pilgrim.

Many considered Bush’s statement a bold move, since Pilgrim is a recovering alcoholic and still under investigation for involvement in an Asian pornography scandal.

It is clear, however, that Bush’s nomination is an attempt to reinvigorate his sagging second term, and bring new blood to his inner circle of advisors.

“Billy and I go way back, and his list of credentials is nothing short of stellar,” Bush remarked before a massive gathering of press representatives on the White House lawn yesterday morning. “He has learned the difficult lessons of addiction, and his strong American values and lengthy career in journalism with serve this office well. Plus, we could swap stories about Japanese whoring over lunch.”

Pilgrim has yet to accept or decline the offer, but gave an exclusive interview to his colleagues at the National Nitwit.

“I am greatly honored by this opportunity, and will discuss my candidacy with the President later this evening,” Pilgrim stated. “Plus, I have a few student loans left from my one semester at Berkley in ‘75, so executive immunity would be pretty sweet right now.” Andrew+Card

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—While the U.S. national debt reached the unprecedented watermark of $8.3 trillion this week, congressional leaders spend the weekend reveling in a Mickey Mouse moonbounce.

Several aides remarked at how quickly partisan debate evaporated once senators were inside the joyous, fluffy contraption.

“Man, this has been a blast,” beamed Republican senator Mike DeWine from Ohio. “Of course, there was a brief altercation when Teddy [Kennedy] wouldn’t take his shoes off, but that was nothing a bottle Cutty Sark couldn’t fix.”

Other leaders echoed this theme of congeniality, and appeared unaffected by the nation’s mounting financial strain.

“We take the good faith and credit of the American people very seriously,” affirmed Democratic senator Paul Sarbanes of Maryland. “That’s why we ordered a couple dozen Domino’s pizzas and drank generic cola instead of eating downtown. Discipline, sir —it’s all about discipline.” Charlie Sheen

(Washington, DC) Moscow had informants inside the US Central Command, and they provided information on the March 2003 invasion of Iraq to dictator Saddam Hussein days before American troops ousted him from power, according to a Defense Department document released yesterday.

A transcript of the conversations between the Russian operatives and Hussein was obtained by National Nitwit.

"Face it, Sadaam - the US plan is to kick your ass in every way possible, and reduce your palaces to piles of smoking rubble," reported Ivan Margelov to the Iraqi dictator. "The Americans' strategy is to totally smoke every division in your army, and swat every MiG fighter you have to the ground like they were drunken horse flies."

Margelov allegedly told top Iraqi officials other important details of the coalition gameplan.

"They are gonna drop a shitload of bombs on every square inch of your security, military, and command facilities," reads a transcription of the comments of Margelov. "Many of these explosives will produce immense devastation and certain death to an Iraqi unlucky enough to be caught in these places."

The report also transcribes a seized memorandum from Iraqi's Foreign Ministry.

"Hey, people - I'm pretty sure we will not have an office once the bombing starts, so you might want to head home and stock up on water, toilet paper, and canned foods," wrote ministry administrator Farid Sahhaf. "Also, if you are Ba'ath Party members, please consider that you will soon find yourself screwed in about a million ways. I hear Syria is nice this time of year." Charlie Sheen

(Vatican City) Pope Benedict XVI has morphed 15 prelates into cardinals at a ceremony at the Vatican today.

"I am counting on you to see to it that the Church’s solicitude for the poor and needy challenges the world with a powerful statement on the civilization of love," he said. "But I will be highly angered if you start singing before six in the morning."

Benedict told the prelates he was counting on them to spread the principles of love and charity that he had highlighted in his first encyclical, ``God is Love.''

"May your scarlet feathers always express Christ's charity," he said. "I am counting on you, oh feathered friends, to ensure that the principle of love will spread far and wide, and that no kids with .22 rifles pick you off. Amen."

One cardinal, however, expressed discontent with the Pope's act.

"Hey man - I agreed to the whole chastity and vow of poverty deals, but this is too much," said William Levada, formerly the archbishop of San Francisco. "My own cat tried to kill me today, and you would not believe these arrogant pigeons. Listen - I got a special present for Benedict, and I'm going to drop it right in the middle of his fucking silk hat." Paris Hilton

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC) After a year-long investigation, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it has insurmountable evidence proving that the Red Cross is, in fact, an elaborate ruse perpetrated by an international group of terrorist vampires.

This strongly violates the widespread perception that the Red Cross is a humanitarian agency, which provides sustenance to the most needy and poverty-ridden corners of the nation.

“We’ve been sending our blood to demons of the night,” stated Homeland Security czar Michael Chertoff in his usual stoic fashion. “They have drained our nation of its most precious resource, as long as you don’t count SUVs or fake tits. Or liberty — we got the corner market on that shit.”

A spokesperson for the vampires took issue with Chertoff’s “baseless accusations,” however, and voiced concern that the federal government is preempting the judicial process.

“Clara Barton was a shining beacon of vampire goodwill, and a century later, we are still dutifully saving lives,” boasted Thorn Hadrigal, Executive Director of the Red Cross’s Nursing Division. “So what if we skim a few thousand pints here and there? Have you every tasted this stuff? It’s goddamn delicious.”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—For financially savvy American males, it appears the quality of one’s credit is the newest measure of one’s manhood, and has led to some stiff competition even among close friends in the corporate community.

Studies also show that rivalry is most rigid among trendy, 30-something urbanites, whose lives seem to revolve around their economic stature.

“Sometimes after work, me and the guys go out for drinks at Lenfant Plaza,” said Mitchell Vance, a consultant for a D.C.-area paralegal firm. “Invariably, after we have a few, we all throw our credit scores on the table. Basically, if someone is under 7 [hundred] on the FICO scale, we heckle the poor bastard into the gutter.”

Vance added that some of the women in the group rarely participate in this ritual, and suffer from what he called ‘credit envy.’

“We love to have chicks tag along, but they can soften the discussion,” remarked Vance. “At the end of the day, I think somebody needs to slam some credit inside them. Especially Jill from HR. That bitch needs a good ramming.”

(New York, NY) With the passing of the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, marketing executives unveiled the new slogan that will be used on FOX News during segments on the Iraq War.

"Iraq: It's All Good!" meets several criteria of the network, said Fox spokesman Paul Schur.

"First and foremost it keeps us consistent with our "Fair and Balanced" goal of aping President Bush's views on Iraq," he said. "Secondly, it's the sort of catchy, hip phrase that people will easily remember."

Schur said that focus groups have responded positively to the new campaign.

"We tested the "It's All Good!" slogan with a bunch of institutionalized psych patients who watch TV all day," he said. "Other than two guys in the back who were drooling, we didn't get any negative reactions from the group. There was this one chick, though, who kept trying to catch a fly that wasn't there, but she said she was all for the war."

An added benefit to the slogan, said Schur, will be its ability to resonate with African American viewers, a demographic that FOX News has struggled to reach.

"Yeah, our FOX homies in da hood gonna see that we the fo-shizzle OGs," he said. "By saying "It's All Good" we will be able to connect with the black audience in a way we never have before."

(Portland, OR) A homeowner who fended off pesky religious solicitors by punching them in the nose said he learned the tactic by watching television shows such as the Discovery Channel's Shark Week.

"It's like your worst nightmare," Anderson said by phone from his Portland home, calling the incident "an adventure which has made life that much more precious and interesting."

Anderson was at his home near a popular surfing spot near Tillamook Head on Saturday when something grabbed his leg. Realizing it was a Jehovah's Witness, he slugged the predator repeatedly in the nose to get it to loosen its grip.

"It felt like getting clamped in a bear trap," he said. "It was a piercing pain accompanied by annoying pamphlets, and then everything went numb."

Anderson said he learned from television shows that a shark's nose is its most sensitive area, and he figured it would also work on Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Yeah, those crazy bastards can smell a sucker just like sharks smell blood in water," he said. "And once they get ahold of you, they won't let go. It's a damn good thing I watched "Shark Week" to learn the nose-blast technique, or I probably would have converted by now."

Marvin Beitleman, 54, was one of the Witnesses confronted by Anderson.

"Look - we were just passing out tracts," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "There was no reason for him to pop us in the face like that." Paris Hilton

By: Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit Contributing Editor

Local masochist and general fetishist, Don Mellon, declared this St. Patrick's Day "the best holiday ever," after purposefully omitting green from his wardrobe to invite pinches from strangers.

"The key is making it seem like an honest oversight," gushed Mellon, who spent the day frequenting public spaces while wearing a blue collared shirt and tan slacks. "When you get a pinch, you have to play it off, like you didn't even know what day it was."

During the course of the day, Mellon was said to have received upwards of twenty-three pinches, and was smashed in the face with a pint glass. At the time of this interview, he was clearly savoring every one.

Sitting on the curb outside O'Flanagan's, a tiki-bar turned Irish pub for the evening, Mellon remarked, "God, I can barely feel my tongue!"

After spitting blood into the gutter he glanced at his watch.

"Midnight," he sighed. "I'll be back next year. It's just like I dreamed." Paris Hilton

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit Contributing Editor

(York, PA) Squattington Q. Pig made known his distain for all things human last Wednesday, according to his owner and "Mommy," Jeannie Darlin. Squattington is a three year old domestic swine that has been "raised from a piglet and spoiled rotten" by the Darlin family.

After returning home last Wednesday to remove Squattington from his playpen during her lunch hour, Jeannie found that he was less than enthused with his accommodations.

"He told me that he was sick of being made to act like a human," she explained. "He made me take off his cute little corduroy britches, and set him out in the yard where he could root for grubs!"

The assertion did not go uncontested; however Squattington's keen observations and knack for debate eventually prevailed.

"I kept reminding him what a great life we'd given him, but he finally made it clear that he is in fact, a pig, and therefore incapable of human cognition or emotion," she said. "He also told me that turning a pig into a child will do nothing to repair my barren womb, and will not appropriately fill the void in our family life."

Darlin then added, "He's such a wise pig, I mean, for his age."

Squattington seems to be adjusting quickly to his bestial existence, and has all but ceased conversation with the Darlins, offering only an occasional "Four legs good, two legs bad."

"Whatever that means," concluded Mrs. Darlin. Paris Hilton

(Samarra, Iraq) Frustrated with insurgent campaigns aimed at sparking a civil war, US and Iraqi military commanders unleashed the deadliest show of force since the beginning of the Iraq War.

Dubbed "Operation Let's Blow Shit Up," the campaign is designed to ease miltary frustration and provide stateside viewers some fireworks.

"Look - when nothing gets destroyed people get restless," said General John Abizaid, head of US CEntral Command. "This campaign will show the American people that no one can send clouds of debris in the sky like the US military."

More than 1,500 Iraqi and coalition troops, over 200 tactical vehicles, and more than 50 aircraft participated in the operation. Massive plumes of smoke brought repeated "ooohs" and "ahhs" from gathered embedded reporters.

"About ten minutes ago they totally scorched this group of mud huts," enthused MSNBC's Chris Matthews. "Boy, I would not have wanted to be the unlucky bastards in those hovels."

The operation appeared to be concentrated near four villages — Jillam, Mamlaha, Banat Hassan and Bukaddou — about 20 miles north of Samarra.

"I say we level the entire landscape," said FOX reporter Bret Baier. "Nothing says "fuck you" to insurgents than a charred, 10-square mile stretch of death." Paris Hilton

(Los Angeles, CA) Excited by the success of films glorifying music icons Ray Charles ("Ray") and Johnny Cash ("I Walk the Line"), producer Steven Spielberg announced today that his studio is preparing a bio-documentary on country music performer Boxcar Willie.

"Sure, he was mostly a manufactured country star and really gimmicky, but he sold a lot of albums," said Spielberg. "That translates into a lot of potential ticketholders for the film."

Born in a small railroad shack along side the KD railroad in 1931 Lecil Travis Martin was the son of a farm and section hand for the railroad in Sterratt, Texas. He took on the moniker "Boxcar Willie" in the 1960s after stints as a pilot and a DJ.

"Boxcar Willie represents everything I look for as a filmmaker," said Spielberg. "He is well known, has a gritty image, and is dead, so I won't have to pay his ass any royalties."

In 1996 Boxcar was diagnosed with cancer. Boxcar's battle with luekemia was grueling, and he died April 12th, 1999 in Branson, Missouri.

Spielberg said that he has several actors in mind for the role.

"Keanu Reeves would be interesting, as would George Clooney," he said. "But my favorite would have to be Lou Grant, and I think that his gruff newsguy persona would translate well as Willie."

Left: Iraqi insurgents celebrating freedom and democracy

(Washington, DC) Despite the gruesome violence in Iraq last weekend, President Bush continues to emphasize the positive, saying, "Iraqis have shown the world they want a future of freedom and peace."

"As more capable Iraqi police and soldiers come on line, they will assume responsibility to get their own asses blown off," the president said. "The goal is to have the Iraqis filling more body bags than the coalition by the end of 2006."

Iraqi forces have planned, conducted and led more than 200 independent operations in the past two weeks, more than those being conducted by coalition forces, Bush said.

"Not all Iraqi units performed as well as others, especially the ones who sold their supplies to the insurgents," he admitted. "There were reports of Iraqi units in eastern Baghdad allowing militia members to pass through checkpoints and all that, but the Iraqi people are making free decisions on their own to carry out a civil war, and that's what democracy is all about."

Bush added that since the invasion on March 20, 2003, Iraqis had gone from "living under the boot of a brutal tyrant to living under the many sandals of the insurgents."

"The Iraqi people are now free to blow up mosques, torture rival factions, and detonate car bombs in outdoor markets," he said. "These are fundamental freedoms they could not express under the repressive regime of Sadaam Hussein."

(New York) A spokesbird for the advocacy group CAVE (Cockatiels Affirming Vaccines for Everyone) called the US Centers for Disease Control a "bunch of anti-avian fascists" who would "gladly sacrifice the nation's birds" rather than provide them with bird flu vaccines.

"I know we can be really screechy and we crap all over our cages," said "JJ," a yellow-and-gray cockatiel. "But don't we deserve some protection, too? We at CAVE are beginning to think that the bird flu was genetically engineered to wipe out cockatiels and make room for those nasty parrots."

JJ said that the nation's birds have just as much right to health care as humans.

"OK, so we don't pay taxes, and you have to shell a lot of money for bird food," he said. "Think about the happy times, like when we learn to mimic the music to Donkey Kong and sing it when you are hung over."

A spokesperson for the CDC denied that there is a plot to destroy cockatiels.

"They are going to be wiped out like every other bird, and probably 15% of the human population once the virus mutates," said Dr. Tom Skinner. "However, even if the bird flu just takes out those annoying little squawkers, is that really so bad?"

(Las Vegas, NV) As reported here at the National Nitwit the Rolling Stones added character actor Wilford Brimley to the band in January, but strained relations have apparently caused a split.

"Wilford's out," said a terse Mick Jagger. "The old bastard has neither a sense of time nor tune, plus I will absolutely scream if I hear him butcher the word 'diabetes" one more time."

Brimley was sanguine about his parting with the band.

"I came to Vegas back in the '40s, before this was the Horseshoe," he said. "There wasn't much on Fremont Street back then-two hotels, a couple of joints, and the railroad station. I've been coming to the Horseshoe for probably 25 years. What did you just ask me, young man?"

The band's recent North American tour was the highest-grossing tour of all time, with figures from US trade publication Pollstar showing the group sold tickets worth $162 million in the US in 2005. Brimley said that the Stones were a "bunch of hippie-boys," but that he learned a lot from the experience.

"I didn't go to high school," he said. "I think that after you learn to read and write and do your numbers and flush the toilet behind yourself, you don't need no more schoolin'. You need to get out in the water and swim."

Brimley said that Jagger, Richards, and the Stones were "right fine partners."

"In the early days, I roped calves. I was a wanna-be-I couldn't beat nobody if they let me bring my own calves, but I sure tried hard," he said. "I won a silver-tooled buckle in the team roping event at the Walt Garrison All-Star Rodeo in Mesquite, Texas, in 1946. Why are you here again, mister?"

(Washington, DC) President Bush said the US - led global war on terror has "weakened and fractured" al Qaeda and allied groups, outlining as proof new details about the multinational cooperation that foiled purported terrorist plans on the West Coast.

"We have significant evidence that an al Qaeda plot to drop smoke bombs in mall restrooms has been foiled," said Bush. "The same operatives intended to drop cherry bombs in the toilets, creating what they called a "totally gross" sanitation scenario."

Bush praised a multinational task force to root out the terrorists.



"It took the combined efforts of several countries to break up this plot," the president said. "By working together, we took dangerous terrorists off the streets. By working together, we stopped a catastrophic attack on our nation's public toilets."

"Omigod, it was just a joke," said accused al Qaeda operatine Missy Rogers. "One minute we're skipping scool and hanging out, and the next there's like 200 SWAT dudes screaming at us. That was SO uncool."

(Washington, DC) After nearly a decade of abuse cases involving its priests, the Catholic Church finds itself once again at the center of another rash of abuse claims.

This time, however, the alleged perpetrators are nuns.

National Nitiwit reporters have been interviewing purported victims in an effort to document the extent of the abuse.

"I was in third grade - I remember it like it was yesterday - and Sister Margaret told me I looked like a 'frumpy harlot' because I wore makeup one day," replied a teary Jennifer Cosgriff, of Ft. Lauderdale. "She took red cake icing and painted circles on my cheeks in front of the class - I was mortified, and to this day I can't put on a little rouge without thinking of that mean woman."

One victim told of a pattern of "merciless shaming" that left an entire class remorseful.

"Someone taped a few of the piano keys together and the nun was really mad when the piano made this funny noise when she played it," shuddered Karl Bergen of Brooklyn. "I'll never forget what she said: 'God is watching you vile little heathens, and He will get His vengeance on ye!' That shit still keeps me up at night."

Some of the alleged abuse took on bizarre forms.

"When I was in sixth grade at St. Michael's I got caught chewing gum, and Sister Angeline totally freaked out," recalled "Kevin," who declined to use his real name. "The nutjob made me put a chewed piece of gum on my nose and wear it until lunchtime. Man, that was some flat-out nasty business, pal."

Officials from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) declined requests for an interview, but one reporter was told that "God is very outraged at you, young lady, and you'd better get right with your Maker."

The traumatized National Nitwit writer is currently under the care of a team of mental health professionals, and her condition is reported as "stable."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Hillary Clinton - big Denver fan

(Washington, DC)—New York senator Hillary Clinton was outraged late yesterday evening when a shrewd fundraising infomercial interrupted a two-hour special on eco-songwriter John Denver.

“I had just sat down with three fingers of Johnnie Walker when I heard his unmistakable voice,” said Clinton between drags off a Marlboro Light. “I watched for 23 minutes in rapt attention before the unthinkable happened—those fuckers shifted into telethon mode.”

According to congressional aids, Denver has been Senator Clinton’s favorite folk artist since the early 1970s, and she has remained fiercely defensive of his legacy throughout the past three decades.


Left: John Denver, mountain man and pilot

And while Clinton’s liberal rhetoric has always supported public television, those who know her intimately say her allegiance to Denver borders on fanaticism.

“Dude, no joke—Hillary totally flips out if you poke fun at the guy,” revealed Nils Crawford, a recent graduate from Brown University and Senator Clinton’s third personal assistant. “One day I noted the irony between ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ and his 1997 crash into the Pacific, and she beat me with her own shoe. I still have the scar where her heel punctured my cheek.”

(New York) Seeking to bolster sales of one of its flagship products, toy maker Tyco announced the introduction of a more serious line of Elmo characters.

"Bugger Me Elmo" offers a startling alternative to the traditional happy-go-lucky character, said Tyco Chairman and CEO Ed Breen.

"Like many children, 'Bugger Me Elmo' has had to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse," he said. "When the doll says "Elmo loves you," it really hits home with the mixed emotions and distorted boundaries traumatized kids face."

Breen said the new doll's seemingly benign comments coonotate a sinister reality.

"We test-marketed it with a bunch of sexual abuse survivors," he said. "You should have seen their reactions when Elmo busted out with: "Hi! Elmo so happy to see you!" Man, there was some real tension in that room, let me tell you."

An unintended consequence led Tyco designers to make some changes, said Breen.

"The kids in the focus groups kept ripping off the heads of 'Bugger Me Elmo,' so we had to go with a higher-gauge stitching," he said. "There is some real pain out there."

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Pierre, SD)—In a move that is sure to jostle the Supreme Court, South Dakota became the first state to ban abortion on Monday evening, as Governor Michael Rounds signed the bill into law.

However, what is most surprising is the state’s impetus behind this drastic measure, which directly rebukes the landmark 1973 case Roe v. Wade.

"Folks, this is not a religious, or even a moral issue," Gov. Rounds revealed during a tense, heavily attended press conference. "This is simply an issue of numbers. Do you have any idea how tough it is to hold a Little League tourney here [in South Dakota]? There’s only three teams in the whole state, and one of them has a Cheyenne midget playing shortstop. I think his name is Mickey. The point is, we need babies, fast."

Many liberal activist groups have vehemently opposed South Dakota’s "myopic" decision, however, and are eager to wage a protracted legal battle in the courts.

"South Dakota is a frozen tundra," said Margaret Foster, spokesperson for Pro-Choice International. "Which is worse: the merciful destruction of an unwanted fetus, or the onset of pneumonia during the 7th inning stretch? Perhaps the Governor needs to see the ballparks of his state littered with tiny corpses before he appreciates a woman’s right to choose."

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced today that the US government will sell the troubled Guantanamo Bay detention facility to the Walt Disney Corporation.

"We decided that the US government does not belong in the torture business, and we have turned the facility over to torture specialists," said Rumsfeld. "You ever sit through one of those sappy Disney stage shows? You know what I mean."

Rumsfeld believes that the move will benefit both parties.

"Disney gets some prime beach real estate, a world-class airstrip, and a built-in labor force of foreign workers," he said, referring to the remaining detainees. "The US government gets the hell out of this mess, and pockets a cool $3 billion for the war on terror."

Disney CEO Robert Iger said that many of the detainees are "perfect" for park employment.

"The toughest of the Afghan fighters will be a natural for the new 'Terrorists of the Caribbean' ride," he said. "And just imagine what we can do with a sword-wielding mujahideen at 'Snow White's Scary Adventures.' We'll use the rest to sweep up cigarette butts and work the deep fryers at the concession stands."

(Tehran) Iran dismissed calls that the country cease its nuclear research and vowed on Sunday to resume industrial-scale atomic fuel production if the UN nuclear watchdog shifts Iran's case to the UN Security Council.

In addition, Iranian officials uveiled a plan to begin production of new uranium-enriched cereals.

"If the file is referred to the Security Council, then we will begin industrial-scale enrichment”, said Ali Larijani, secretary general of Iran’s Supreme National Security Council. "We will also roll out our enriched cereal line, beginning with tasty Glowing Grahams."

Larijani said the cereals will fill two Iranian needs.

"First, this will assure a wide dispersal of the country's uranium stocks, making difficult any efforts by the agents of Satan to sieze our supplies," he said. "Secondly, we will create millions of walking dirty bomb-zombies that we can export to any country that screws with us."

The secretary-general also discussed some possible future entries in the enriched uranium cereal line.

"Some of the types we have tested include Frosted Radio-Wheats, Yellowcake Crunch, and Plutonium Puffs," he said. "But my favorite has to be Honey Neutron O's - the uranium keeps them crunchy in milk for 300,000 years."

(Washington, D.C.) In a stunning show of political maneuvering, National Nitwit Rogue Editor Billy Pilgrim has made a handsome offer to purchase several U.S. ports, and thus end weeks of contentious debate concerning the proposed Dubai takeover.

“I believe the President has done his best to ensure the American people that the safety of our ports is a top priority,” Pilgrim asserted to some loitering fifth graders at PS 265 in downtown Washington. “I realize you gentlemen would like to continue your bout of dodge ball, so I’ll keep this brief: I am prepared to offer the administration my life savings of $379, a freshly washed bag of baby carrots, and my favorite pair of tube socks.”

Bystanders appeared impressed by the sincerity of the offer.

“Sounds good to me,” remarked student Timmy Bolton as he munched on one of their aforementioned carrots. “I wear itchy socks. My mom makes me. Mr. Billy’s look comfy. I think the President should take the trade.”

The administration, however, has yet to comment on the new bid, and seems willing to weigh popular sentiment before making their stance public.

“We have no comment on Mr. Pilgrim’s proposition, but please know the President appreciates the gesture, and is weighing his options quite studiously,” stated White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

McClellan paused before adding: “Isn’t Billy still under investigation for his role in that Asian pornography scandal back in ’99? I think there are still pictures of him on the internet giving that poor woman a Dirty Sanchez.”

(Los Angeles, CA) Bolstered bhy the success of CSI and spinoffs such as CSI: Miami, CBS unveiled the latest incarnation of its CSI show line.

Entitles "CSI-Mojave," the show features the exploits of county crime scene investigators in and around the Mojave Desert.

"The challenge with this show is that there aren't many people in the desert, and that most of the deaths have something to do with the heat," said Les Moonves, president of the netowrk. "So the CSI teams have to figure out if a death was from dehydration, coyote attack, or peyote intoxication."

Six of last week's 10 most watched shows aired on CBS, starting with a "CSI" rerun that clocked more than 24 million viewers. Season-to-date, CBS has a 2-million-viewer lead over closest competitor ABC.

Mooves believes that the series will be yet another success.

"Part of the charm of the show will be the crusty old medical examiner Russ Fender," he said. "Old Russ has seen it all, but he just doesn't have any use for his wisecracking assistant Megan Johnson, fresh from grad school. They get quite a banter going in the desert heat in the pilot episode , when Julie packs a bottle of Perrier, but Russ has a 4-gallon container of tap water for emergencies. What a hoot!"

(Baghdad) A would-be suicide bomber was "highly agitated" at the failure of his explosive vest to detonate outside a US military installation today.

Khaled al-Shamari, 27, spoke to National Nitwit reporters outside his Baghdad home.

"I spent a lot of money for this useless piece of shit," he said, holding up the defective device. "Now I am not only stuck with bad merchandise, but I am out all that money. I was expecting to be on my way to the perpetual fruits of Paradise in Firdaws, but now I have to eat tree bark until I scrape up enough money to buy another vest."

Al-Shamari blames the American occupation of Iraq for the "decline in workmanship" often found in the products of local merchants.

"Listen - three years ago I could find top-quality explosives on the black market from dependable manufacturers," he said, shaking his head. "These days, with American-style capitalism, the market stalls are filled with charlatans and hucksters. The bastard I bought this garbage from is gone with my money."

The last hope he has, said Al-Shamari, is his brother-in-law.

"My wife's brother Jalal is pretty handy with car repairs and electrical work, so I am going to take it to his place," he said. "Of course, the way things are going, the damned thing will probably go off on Jalal, and then I'll be stuck raising his seven children. As they say: 'When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.'"

A Guest editorial by The Alpha and Omega; transcribed from a vision given to Billy Pilgrim

(San Quentin, TX)—Jim and Barbara, I know you have been struggling for the past three years, and have dedicated every fiber of your being to have a child of your own.

But as your Creator, I’m telling you to stop. Throw in the towel. After $35,000 wasted on fertilization procedures and endless rutting, you need to cut your losses. The world is full, and I’m not giving you a baby.

Back in the Dark Ages, all I needed to do is whip up a plague, and boom: a million peasants gone. But now, there are amazing new drugs for influenza and tuberculosis, so even lepers are living longer, happier lives. I just read an issue of Newsweek while I was sitting in the can, and found out they cured polio back in ‘53. Go figure - hey, thanks for the update, Seraphim!

By the way, thank ME for the car bomb, guys — it’s on the front lines of overpopulation, taking one soul at a time.

I didn’t plan for it to get this bad. Shit, I only started with two humans, and look where we are. They also gave retarded names to all of the animals I made. You know the cheetah? I planned to call that baby Superpussy. But I digress.

Consider adoption. Visit sick children in a hospital. Take flowers to the elderly, and feed pigeons in the park. There are plenty of people who need love and kindness, so stop fretting over your reproductive failure. There are more important things in life than Jim’s sad, broken sperm, swimming upstream against the tsunami of futility.

(London) Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, authors of the 1982 work The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail , are suing Dan Brown, who wrote the 2003 bestseller The Da Vinci Code.

"The dude even went so far as to use the same characters - Jesus Christ, Mary Magdalene, they're all there," said Baigent. "And, to add insult to injury, they even have the main character thrown up on a cross like ours. Unbelievable."

If the writers succeed in securing an injunction to bar the use of their material, they could hold up the scheduled May 19 release of "The Da Vinci Code" film, starring Tom Hanks.

Baigent said that he and Leigh only want what they are due as copyright holders.

"Look - Brown even used a lot of the same settings, like churches, castles, and deserts," he said. "And the whole Eucharist bread and wine deal? That was totally ours, too. The man has no shame."

Among the most egeregious of the alleged plagiarisms, according to Baigent, was Brown's use of French kings and secret societies.

"We created those Merovingian kings, and all of a sudden Brown is throwing around the name 'Clovis,' like it was all his. Hello?!?!" Baigent asked rhetorically. "And me and Leigh spent a whole night dreaming up the catchy name for the Knights of Templar, only to see Brown pilfer it, the bloody wanker."