National Nitwit

54 gigs and 120 decibels of mobile media

(Dearborn, MI) Moving in with friend Kevin Fletcher made financial sense, said Dearborn resident Patrick Wlodarczyk, but the auto mechanic did not know about certain "technological innovations" Fletcher had developed.

"Dude has totally pimped out his laptop, complete with a Yamaha MX-1000U 2-channel power amplifier," said Wlodarczyk, shaking his head. "His shit is louder than a hungry baby with a shish-kebob skewer in his eye."

Wlodarczyk said that his roommate carries his "boom-laptop" everywhere he goes.

"Dumbass even takes the thing in the shower with him," he said. "So when he's spanking off to porn, those 10-second free clips he plays over and over makes it sound like the bitch is moaning through a bullhorn."

The music that Fletcher plays is the "least of my problems," added Wlodarczyk.

"You ever hear that Microsoft log-on theme through 1000 amps of audio thunder?" he asked. "That shit would peel the skin off a treeful of apples before they even got picked."

Labels: boom-laptop, laptops

(New York) Hoping to capitalize on the success of his eHarmony.com flagship, psychologist Dr. Neil Clark Warren unveiled a new dating service.

Titled eConflict.com, the site caters to dysfunctional couples who enjoy "beating the ever-loving bejeezus" out of each other, said Warren.

"At eConflict our patented Compatibility Matching System narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles with whom you share deep levels of compatibility, especially the propensity toward abject violence," he said. "No longer will violent couples have to suffer the indignity of domestic violence charges and restraining orders by dating people who dislike getting their asses kicked."

Warren said that the techniques honed with eHarmony.com have proven effective in the rollout of eConflict.com.

"Our years of exhaustive research with thousands of couples found that there are 29 Key Dimensions of Compatibility necessary for success in a long term relationship," he said. "The same is true for violence-prone couples. You like getting smacked with an old tree branch? We'll find you someone who likes tree branches, too, and who is not afraid to chuck a couple of dishes at you, either."

eConflict.com - Sometimes love comes with bruises and lacerations

Warren added that - for many violent people - lasting relationships had become an "unreachable dream" before the advent of eConflict.com.

"Isn't it time you experienced the joy of falling in love with someone who sees you, loves you, and accepts you for who you are, even if you like to grabe your woman by the hair and smack her when she acts up?" he asked. "This is the kind of joy that comes from true compatibility, and eConflict.com brings it to even the most physical of dating prospects. Listen - you got a problem with that? Because if you do, I'll be more than happy to kick your ass right here and now, dickweed."

Labels: dating services, eHarmony.com

Guest editorial by Yorohichi O'Reilly, feng shui master

Don’t think of Feng Shui only applying to Oriental gardens. The principles are universal and apply whether you have an English shrub garden, a peaceful Italian renaissance-style garden, or a stifling university classroom.

As we dance into Spring, it is time to clear out the old energies of the past to create a fresh space for the sprouting new seeds of our intentions. The start of Spring presents an opportunity to turn our attention to the new growth, new potentials, and rich punks who must die, and clear out the energetic remnants lingering from the past.

Cho Seung-Hui knew feng shui, and he was making a clean start in Spring.

In traditional Feng shui, we know that each of the eight directions is associated with parts of the body, a family member, or a classmate who must die. In a given element there is more symbolism than we can explore in a lifetime of sorrows.

Just as there was bad chi flowing around Cho Seung-Hui's environment, there was good chi flowing around his body, his “Life-Force”. It is important to balance the energy flow around you, because the flow of bad chi in your environment also affects the flow of good chi in your body.

Cho Seung Hui was a man on the verge of a breakthrough. If only he knew that a piece of furniture was blocking the flow of positive chi, he could changed the angles or moved it out of the way.

Don't be like Cho Seung-Hui. Master your feng shui. Now, a Cho Seung-Hui feng shui haiku for you:

Chi Seung-Hui, bad chi
Used guns for balancing life
Should have moved bunk beds.

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, Feng Shui

(Los Angeles) Capitalizing on its successful America's Funniest Home Videos franchise, ABC announced today that the network will premier a new viewer-submitted video program focusing on the lighter side of colostomy bags.

To help boost ratings, ABC will be bringing back longtime Home Video host Bob Saget, who briefly spoke with National Nitwit reporters on the show's set.

"Look - a colostomy patient is a walking bag of humor - heh heh - and every colostomate we have met thinks this show will be a winner," he said in between voiceovers. "Like this lady Theresa we got a video from. She has this absolutely hilarious video of her 74th birthday where her dimwitted husband accidentally punctures her colostomy bag with the knife he was going to use to cut her cake, and the shit winds up EVERYWHERE! Just priceless!"

Saget said that he was surprised that so many colostomy patients would be willing to share videos of what many people consider to be an embarassing situation.

"These folks have a lot of intestinal fortitude," he chuckled. "These parents sent one in of their two-year-old, who is having difficulty adjusting to wearing the bag. Little Jacob is on the playground, coming off the slide, and there's this brown streak behind him. Best part is where all the normal kids run away screaming, like he's a monster or something with all that liquid waste dribbling down the front of the kid. Oh man - I laughed for a week!"

Labels: Bob Saget, colostomies, colostomy bag rupture, colostomy bags

Left: No more associating pain with arrival of guests

(New York) Breaking with traditional designs, a new doorbell for hearing-impaired homeowners makes use of flashing lights to alert of visitors, thus replacing the tried-and-true 48-volt shock systems currently in the homes of many deaf Americans.

"We are pleased to make available this breakthrough product to our audibly-challenged customers," said Mark Lincoln, CEO of Matrixx Products. "Wouldn't it be nice to be greeted with a friendly orange light instead of taking a searing, jaw-clenching surge of ten billion electrons through your body?"

Lincoln said that there are a "significant number of ancillary benefits" to the new system.

"Our deaf consumers will probably have an easier time getting their hair to lie flat," he said, demonstrating the device for National Nitwit reporters. "And I'd imagine that Devil's Night will no longer be twelve hours of a nightmarish, on-the-edge-of-your-seat hell, wondering if those bastard neighbor kids are going to sneak back up on your porch."

Labels: deaf people, doorbells, electric shocks

Left: Hundreds of sweaty inmates just want to get some Sanjaya

(New Castle, IN) Inmates staged a two-hour riot at a medium-security men's prison Tuesday, injuring two staff members and setting fires in a courtyard in protest of the elimination of American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar.

Indiana Department of Correction spokeswoman Jared Andrews said more than one cell block was involved in the conflict at the New Castle Correctional Facility, which is located about 40 miles east of Indianapolis.

"Pretty much they fell in love with Sanjaya," said Andrews, noting that "hundreds" of prison cells contained posters of the wild-haired singer. "I'd say that one-third of the inmates here whack off to Sanjaya's picture every night. Sometimes it's kind of sad, hearing all those lonely men with that rhythmic SLAP-SLAP-SLAP, just a-whacking away, sounding like 200 pieces of sirloin smacking on a linoleum counter."

Ahmed said at least some of the inmates complained about being moved away from the TV room, a step that was necessary because of the state's shortage of prison space.

"They're obviously resentful because they had to miss American Idol last week," he said. "When you're in here, your mind does strange things. Just last week we had a guy who got his dick stuck in a jar of peanut butter. Said he was trying out a cure for gonorrhea or something."

Left: Empty cells, broken hearts

State police Sgt. Fred Rizzuto said that - contrary to earlier reports - the disturbance did not involve a problem between inmates from two different two states.

"It was not a conflict between Arizona and Indiana prisoners," he said. "The intelligence I was given this afternoon is that it didn't have any direct correlation to that issue. This was all about horny men who just wanted another look at that Sanjaya's tight ass. And, to tell you the truth - if I were liquored up, I might tap that bunghole myself. With enough K-Y and a darkened room, you'd think you were going at it with skinny woman, maybe a meth freak or something."

Labels: New Castle, prison riot, Sanjaya, Sanjaya Malakar

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Artist’s rendition of Banks’ divine encounter

(Des Moines, IA)—Peter Banks, 27, has experimented with a vast array of psychedelic substances in recent years in hopes of unearthing the secrets of his existence. But after ingesting “mounds of pot and ‘shrooms,” Banks has been left wanting, unsure of his terrestrial purpose.

This all changed last night, however, when Banks took two hits of LSD and discovered God’s eternal love in a spam email.

“Man, I felt that shit come on like a tsunami around 9 o’clock,” Banks remarked while recuperating on his couch with some saltine crackers and bottled water. “But even still, with all my visions, I couldn’t reach a heightened state of serenity and understanding. So that’s when I decided to check my email.”

The rest, according to Banks, is history.

“As soon as I clicked on the icon, I knew God was speaking directly to me,” Banks intoned. “The sheer poetry of those words—‘shatterproof printout the hardcore tabernacle of the city disclosed lover why seek the boiled waif’—I knew the Lord was reaching out to my broken spirit. I fell to my knees and wept like one who had finally achieved unconditional forgiveness. And then I made some Bagel Bites, because after all that, my ass was like, fucking starving.”

Left: Email containing inspirational passage

Banks hopes to receive additional messages from heaven in the coming days and weeks, given his initial discovery.

“It’s been slow going today, since all my spam has said things like BOOBIE SUCKFEST and HOODIA MAKE LONG MILF BANG, so maybe God is taking the day off or something,” Banks considered. “At least I don’t think these are from God…that would be pretty messed up if they were.”

Labels: acid, acid trip, LSD, spam email

(Dubuque, IA) The idea came upon Martin Hough "kind of impulsively," the unemployed steel worker admitted.

"I'd heard that old phrase about 'two shakes of a lamb's tail,' so I just grabbed ahold," he said after being escorted from a Dubuque 4-H fair. "Then BAM! Fucking lamb kicked me right in the head."

Hough said that the aggressive lamb then charged him.

"I'm laying on the ground, and the fucker's standing on my chest, breathing his hay-breath right in my face," he said, rubbing his forehead. "I thought these baby lambs were supposed to be friendly - this beast looked like he was going to rip out my eyeballs."

Hough added that he has shelved plans to beat a dead horse, grab a bull by the horns, and roll water off a duck's back.

Labels: 4-H, Dubuque, lambs

(Philadelphia, PA) Ed Womack said that he first heard the adage "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" as a young man growing up on his family's farm in Lancaster County.

"We had a goddamned apple orchard out back, and I ate apples until my gut hurt," he told National Nitwit reporters.

Unfortunately for Womack, apples apparently have little preventive properties against his glioblastoma, which is rapidly spreading through his brain.

"I've probably eaten over forty thousand apples in my life," he said, pausing to watch a nurse add morphine to his IV. "Yet I'm pretty much fucking the dog now. The next time I hear someone utter that imbecilic cliché, well, I'll probably not do very much, because the cancer's eating into my motor functions, and hell - it's probably already spread to the spinal cord and causing meningeal gliomatosis. In fact, I could probably not do very much at all, since I'm fucked up on morphine most of the day. So say whatever you want - I'll probably be dead anyways."

Labels: apple a day, glioblastoma, terminal cancer

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Even after a violent shart, Mays is as confident as ever

(Los Angeles, CA)—Billy Mays, the bearded and booming pitchman of such ‘as seen on TV’ products as OrangeGlo, OxiClean, and Bowl Blaster, announced earlier this morning that his next project would be a feature role in an infomercial about manpons.

And while manpons—personal hygiene products geared toward men with irregular or spastic bowels—are still considered taboo among many Americans, Mays hopes that his vigorous endorsement will help an increasingly large population of men regain confidence in their sphincters.

“Have you ever gotten stupid drunk and eaten 47 hot wings on a weeknight?” Mays shouted to the nonexistent camera that stood before him. “Sure, you can handle the headache and body sweat the next day at work, but unexpected bowel leakage can strike anytime. That’s why the manpon is such a revolutionary product—it fits your lifestyle, and keeps your manly parts from being defiled.”

Mays demonstrated the manpon’s revolutionary absorbency in an innocuous product trial.

“Here, I have the average, run-of-the-mill fecal matter from a Dallas Cowboys linebacker,” Mays explained. “As you can see, this store-brand toilet tissue is no match for the turd—it shatters through the paper’s weak and nonabsorbent texture. But the manpon contours and adjusts to its weight, and even has a time release fragrance to help shield the noxious odor.”

Industry insiders remain optimistic that Mays’ heartfelt promotion will help the manpon reach an untapped audience of American men with poor dietary habits, and often endure their rectal ferocity in shameful isolation.

“The product is ground-breaking, there’s no doubt about that,” remarked Steve Kingston, an editor at Business Weekly who has tracked the research and development of manpons in recent months. “With Mays at the helm of this new advertising campaign, the profits could be immeasurable. I mean, the guy just yells and flails until people buy stuff. Where would capitalism be without quality salespeople like him?”

Labels: Billy Mays, manpon, manpons, shart

Quality merchandise and trustworthy vendors difficult to come by in Baghdad

(Baghdad) A would-be suicide bomber was "highly agitated" at the failure of his explosive vest to detonate outside a US military installation today.

Khaled al-Shamari, 27, spoke to National Nitwit reporters outside his Baghdad home.

"I spent a lot of money for this useless piece of shit," he said, holding up the defective device. "Now I am not only stuck with bad merchandise, but I am out all that money. I was expecting to be on my way to the perpetual fruits of Paradise in Firdaws, but now I have to eat tree bark until I scrape up enough money to buy another vest."

Al-Shamari blames the American occupation of Iraq for the "decline in workmanship" often found in the products of local merchants.

"Listen - three years ago I could find top-quality explosives on the black market from dependable manufacturers," he said, shaking his head. "These days, with American-style capitalism, the market stalls are filled with charlatans and hucksters. The bastard I bought this garbage from is gone with my money."

The last hope he has, said Al-Shamari, is his brother-in-law.

"My wife's brother Jalal is pretty handy with car repairs and electrical work, so I am going to take it to his place," he said. "Of course, the way things are going, the damned thing will probably go off on Jalal, and then I'll be stuck raising his seven children. As they say: 'When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.'"

Labels: insurgents, Iraq, suicide bombers

Will Ferrell lightening up infamous scene from Cho Seung-Hui manifesto

(Blacksburg, VA) Actor Will Ferrell announced today that he will play mass murderer Cho Seung-Hui in a film set for release next June.

Entitled Ismailman: The Legend of Cho Seung-Hui, the film will highlight a side of Cho missed by the public in the days after the horrors of the Virginia Tech massacre, said Ferrell.

"It's a bit of a change from my normal roles, but I hope to capture the comedy that lurked within Cho Seung-Hui," he said during a break on the movie set. "I mean, have you read that Richard McBeef shit? The guy was a comedy genius."

Ferrell will be joined in the film by longtime character actor Danny Aiello, who will play Virginia Tech President Charles W. Steger.

"Danny's got to replace the Brooklyn tough-guy for a Shenandoah Valley academic, but he's perfect for the part," enthused Ferrell. "And we're adding some totally crazy scenes where President Steger and Cho Seung-Hui play a bunch of practical jokes on each other, like where Cho superglues these quarters to the floor of Norris Hall and Steger fights like hell to pick them up. Too funny! Oh, then Cho Seung-Hui blasts 32 innocent students to death. THAT part isn't very funny, but it's like one of those cathartic-comedy release moments. Then we get back to the funny parts."

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, Ismail Ax, Richard McBeef, Virginia Tech, Will Ferrell

(Blacksburg, VA) Students at Virginia Tech, grief-stricken after the murderous rampage by Cho Seung-Hui that left 33 people dead, cannot reach a consensus on an appropriate eternal punishment for the killer.

"I am a fan of sadistic demons perpetually stabbing his eyes with really sharp metal spikes, causing the blood to blur his vision, but not so much that he can't see the next spike coming," said Victoria Killian, a sophomore education major. "That, or forever beating him with a wooden board with rusty nails that rip his flesh each time they strike."

Senior mechanical engineering student Kevin Jacobs, who knew one of the victims, advised a different approach.

"I think that a red-hot aluminum baseball bat should be rectally inserted into the abdomen of Cho Seung-Hui," he said. "Then every time it cools down, he gets reamed with another red-hot bat. Do you think that's too much?"

Even local clergy weighed in on the type of fitting punishment for Cho Seung-Hui.

"After he reaches Hell, I want Satan himself to rip off Cho Seung-Hui's genitals and stuff them in his mouth," said Reverend Harold Grieger, a Methodist minister counseling Tech students. "Then I want Cho Seung-Hui to eat his own junk, have a new set of man-parts grow back, and repeat the castration process for all eternity, world without end, Amen."

Labels: Cho Seung-Hui, massacre, Virginia Tech

Left: Subcomandante Bob, feeling depressed about the humor business

(Blacksburg, VA) The editor of a satirical e-zine in decried the "absolute dearth" of anything worth parodying today, after a gunman killed 32 people before turning his 9mm semiautomatic on himself.

"This totally sucks," said Subcomandante Bob, kicking a tin can on the commons of Virginia Tech. "It might be days before someone does something stupid and hilarious enough to get people laughing again."

The editor likened this current drought to the humorless weeks after the 9/11 attacks.

"Nobody cracked a joke for like, three weeks," he said. "Even the hardcore leftists wanted to bomb the ever-living shit out of something."

Bob said that he had no predictions on how long the mourning period will last.

"This could go on for some time," he said. "I may have to get a job bussing tables or something until the humor business picks up again."

Labels: Blacksburg, massacre, Virginia Tech

(Newark, NJ) Saddened by the drive-by shootings of family pets in this crime-stricken city, local resident Larry Warren put his creative skills to work.

The 36-year-old inventor has developed a line of bird-sized Kevlar vests to protect songbirds from stray bullets.

"The way I figure, there ought to be a big market for these," he said, fitting one of his vests on an grey parrot. "You invest a couple hundred bucks in a fancy bird - you sure as hell don't want him taking a .44 slug in the old aviary thorax, right?"

Warren said he did not have any statistics on the number of pet birds shot by Newark gang members, but he knew of some anecdotal cases.

"Guy owned a macaw over on South 8th and Central. Bird's just squawking away like nobody's business, being a bird," he said. "All of a sudden - BAM! Bird drops dead, kids are crying, wife brings up the cost of the damn macaw- nobody wins, pal."

Warren: Keeping birds safe is his goal

Retailing between $39 and $69 per unit, Warren's bird vests have undergone considerable testing.

"It took us a while to get the right balance between bird protection and vest weight," he admitted. "After we blasted a half-dozen cockatoos during early testing, we had to switch to pigeons to keep the costs down."

Warren said that initial response from bird owners using the vests has been "pretty positive."

"People say the vests fit well, and birds that normally try to escape every time the cage opens can't fly away anymore," he chuckled. "And we've already had a couple of people test the vests on their birds with .22s and BB guns. Every bird has survived, although one lady's Budgie broke a couple of ribs. These are tough streets, man."

Labels: bulletproof vests, cockatiels

Rafferty at an informal prayer service for dogs and their owners

(Lansing, MI) Jordan Rafferty, a Michigan State University religious studies major, believes that God's Word should not be limited solely to humans.

To that end, Rafferty created the nation's first Canine Crusade for Christ, a ministry outreach program that brings the Gospel to Lansing-area dogs.

"We plan to build a movement that shows dogs how they can know and experience God's plan for their lives," he said, scratchi8ng behind the ears of one of his pooch parishioners. "God commanded us to cast torn flesh to the dogs in I Samuel, and I think He meant we should also minister unto them. Besides, they sit still better than most people."

Rafferty said that in his revival meetings he has taken to using Milkbones at Communion.

"Most of the dogs were not too keen on the whole wafer and wine deal," he admitted. "And liquored-up Labs are goofier and more slobbery than they are before they start drinking."

Rafferty leads a canine convert in evening prayers, testifying to the healing powers of Jesus

One area of possible improvement, added Rafferty, is in the realm of church hymns.

"Most of these dogs haven't got a clue about harmony and rhythm," he acknowledged, leading a group of German shepherds in a rendition of "Christ's Feast with His Church." "But they certainly make up for it with their enthusiasm, and it's pretty funny to hear them howl when the organist starts warming up."

Labels: Canine Crusade for Chist, Jesus, Michigan State

Left: Yuying has had enough of Imus

(New York) Radio host Don Imus was dumped by CBS Radio this evening in an ignoble end to a 30-year career that erupted in controversy over racist and sexist comments about a women's college basketball team.

Unfortunately for Imus, the sackings by MSNBC and CBS were just the beginning of his troubles after calling the Rutgers women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hoes." Longtime New York City delivery man Wen Yuying said that he is joining the stampede of individuals and businesses dissociating themselves from Imus.

"Many years I-man make Chinese jokes when I deliver food to apartment," he said, parking his Kia outside a Soho apartment building. "He say shit like 'Is that Kung-Fu with my lo mein' or 'Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs' every time I deliver. Fuck that - I no deliver."

Yuying said that his decision to refuse delivery service to Imus took "very little thinking."

"For one thing, I-man no tip. He so cheap he eat beans to save on bubble bath," he laughed, returning from his delivery. "Then last week he ask me 'How do you blindfold a Chinaman.' I say I don't know. He say: 'Dental floss.' I say go fuck yourself. If I want to get shit on, I go work for Port-a-John."

Labels: Chinese delivery, Don Imus, Imus

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Hollywood, CA)—Jeff Probst, stoic host of the hit reality show Survivor, narrated his own hand-to-hand combat with an out-of-control grizzly bear on the set of CBS Studios earlier this morning.

The 19-year-old grizzly, named Buttercup, was there with her trainer for the taping of a new fall program when she broke free.

“Who will win in this classic melee between man and beast?” Probst inquisitively asked as he jabbed Buttercup in the face with a folding chair. “One lone survivor fighting for his life against nature’s greatest monster. Find out who wins: tonight, at Jeff’s overpriced Beverly Hills apartment.”

Thankfully, CBS was able to film most of the scuffle, and plans to build an hour-long program around the 17 second clip.

“The audio’s not very good, and you can’t tell that it’s Jeff, but that bear is pissed—no doubt about that,” said Maurice Thompson, executive producer of the yet-to-be-titled project. “If we get some solid edits done this week, we’ll run it against the season finale of American Idol. Thank God Jeff found that axe —otherwise, we’d all watch Regis Philbin in the Cook Islands next season.”

Labels: grizzly, Jeff Probst, Survivor

Left: Imus does chicken right, and you can grease up your hair afterwards

(New York) Talk show host Don Imus, suspended for two weeks for making derogatory racial comments about a collegiate women's basketball team, called the punishment appropriate, and added that he hopes a "nice, downhome meal" will clear the air.

"I hear fried chicken is real big with those people," he said, breading up thirty pounds of chicken in his Manhattan kitchen. "Momma always said 'fried chicken fixes everything,' but then she also said 'make the moon stop staring at me' and 'get your pecker out of your brother's mouth' and a whole lot of other crazy talk."

Imus said he felt "really sorry" about his choice of words, especially referring to the female players as "nappy-headed hoes."

"Coming from a welfare background like they do, those Rutger players must be really sensitive about how they couldn't afford hair tonic and deodorant," he said, shaking his head. "I can't imagine how hard it must have been growing up, with dad throwing dice in the alley and mom turning tricks to support her heroin habit."

Imus won't be opening the pool early for the Rutgers girls, since they can't swim

Ultimately, said Imus, it is time to "move forward" from the unfortunate word choices he made last week.

"Hateful words like mine could hold these girls back, destroying their fragile self-images and turning them into hookers, crackheads, and shoplifters like their mothers and sisters," he said, preparing a pot of greens. "We should be supporting these Jezebels and Jemimas, because they are the future."

Labels: fried chicken, Imus, Rutgers

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

SuperFriends at a recent car wash fundraiser

(Washington, D.C.)—It is no secret that the Bush Administration has struggled in recent months to hone and redirect its foreign policy on Iraq. American causalities are on the rise, car bombings obliterate joint efforts to police urban areas, and support for the war here at home has reached an all-time low.

Such was the tenor this morning when President Bush made a bold declaration at an unprecedented news conference on the White House lawn: he has appealed to SuperFriends—the loose confederation of superheroes whose popularity reached its pinnacle in the late 1970s—to help bring this disastrous conflict to an end.

“The American people are losing conviction in this battle for democracy, and as your commander in chief, I want to make it clear: I have heard you pleas for change,” Mr. Bush intoned to rows of packed reporters. “That is why I’ve called on the SuperFriends to come fix this fiasco. I’m not sure if Aqua Man will help much, this being a desert war n’ all, but the rest of ‘em should knock this shit out in a week.”

Mr. Bush went on to explain why he felt the SuperFriends were the most desirable group of has-been celebrity heroes.

“SuperFriends were a clear choice because they represent the melting pot diversity of this great nation,” the president remarked. “Let me give you a few examples. Wonder Woman is Hispanic; which is cool, because so are my lawn boys. Robin is queer as a three dollar bill—doesn’t bother me at all. Cheney’s daughter is a dyke, and makes for a great partner in a game of horseshoes. And Superman might be schizophrenic, but hey, they make medication for that now.”

Batman and Superman: fixin' to whoop some insurgent asses

Indeed, the president’s closing statement offered a rare balance of eloquence and pathos that signaled new hope for this aging conflict in the Middle East.

“SuperFriends is the best chance we have against this mounting terrorist threat, period,” the president boomed, both hands trembling on the sides of his podium. “They’re not perfect; they have flaws just like the rest of us; but as a team, they can conquer this tide of evil, this tsunami of hatred that rages against the shores of liberty. And besides, it sure beats my other plan of sending a bunch of poor black kids. Like I keep telling [Karl] Rove, If it didn’t work in ‘Nam, it won’t work now.”

Labels: Bush, Iraq, SuperFriends

(Dallas, TX) A Dallas-area man has an odd sort of luck - everywhere he goes, it seems, he comes across a dead body.

Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, said that he never ceases to be amazed at the number of dead bodies that show up near him.

"This dead dude in the field behind my house was the tenth dead body I have discovered this year," he said, stufing a pair of latex gloves in his jacket pocket. "I'm like the Paris Hilton of dead bodies, except I'm not bagging them. Heh."

Sheehan said that his habit of finding dead bodies extends back to his early teen years.

"I used to find a lot of dead cats, dogs, and small children in my neighborhood," he said, wiping off a smudged crosscut saw. "It seemed like all I had to do was walk into an abandoned building or patch of woods, and then BAM! Another dead body."

Whoops! Yet another dead body for lucky Sheehan

The source of his knack for finding dead bodies, said Sheehan, remains something of a mystery.

"I'm not quite sure how I do it. I think it's like a sixth sense or one of those kinds of deals," he said, wiping some stains off the floor of his pickup. "I'll just be walking along, and I get this, like, idea or something. I guess I serve a useful purpose for the cops, finding all these dead bodies and whatnot."

Labels: cadavers, corpses, dead bodies

By Billy Pilgrim, a National Nitwit Exclusive Report

Jesus parties with His sheep buddies long into the night

(Heaven)—Though the American public has only endured one-fourth of 2007 thus far, it has been a year plagued by savage warfare in Iraq, dogged international conflicts, and entrenched political strife here at home. So it is a peculiar development indeed that this would be the year when the Lord God would intervene with his first real, confirmable utterance in nearly two millennia.

And in His rare official statement made earlier this morning, Jesus of Nazareth—who is widely regarded to be the Messiah, as well as the literal fulfillment of God’s covenant with humanity—pleaded with all followers to reconsider their widespread Easter tradition of sunrise religious services.

“I love thee deeply, and had hoped that truth and prayer would set ye free,” Christ remarked while reading from a floating scroll on his throne-in-the-clouds. “But the fact of the matter is that my ass was up until 4 a.m. playing Yahtzee with Joan of Arc and Jimi Hendrix, and this is like, a regular thing. If I have to endure another year of sunrise Easter services, I’m gonna get bitchy. And I’m talking Star Jones bitchy.”

And while many Christians fervently believe that the ritualistic sunrise ceremony is an apt encapsulation of Jesus’ dual triumphs over sin and death, the Son of Man has grown weary with the holiday’s hollow gestures.

“Look—I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t screw around,” Jesus explained while eradicating a dire case of scurvy from an undisclosed peasant village in Thailand. “The only pleasure I have is sleeping in. And now Catholics and Protestants alike are electing to ruin that pleasure with their off-key psalms and weak-ass preaching. Don’t you people watch SNL? Or have sloppy animal sex after a long Saturday night at the bar? You know, I like, died for you guys. The least you could do is not worship me before 10 a.m.”

Labels: Jesus, Jesus Christ, Sunrise Service

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—A recent study by the Smithsonian Institute has leveled a shocking blow for the scientific community: Albert Einstein, arguably the 20th century’s greatest intellectual, did not, in fact, father modern science.

This revelation has not only called many of Einstein’s theories into question, but also his relationship with his progeny.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said a frustrated Dr. John Bethlehem, one of the leading scholars who worked on the study. “We’ve accepted Einstein’s theory of relativity for decades, and now we find out he’s not our dad. We’ve been living in a house of lies.”

D.C.-area college students were devastated by the discovery, since many had been enthused by Einstein’s eccentric and colorful personality, and cited his passion for physics as their own chief inspiration.

“My mom gave me a poster of him when I took first place in a 5th grade science fair,” remarked a tearful Louise Brandy, a doctoral candidate at Georgetown University. “Ever since, I’ve wanted to walk in Einstein’s footsteps. But now, to learn he’s not even family? I want to burn every reference to gravitational lensing in this place.”

Labels: DNA, Einstein, paternity

(London) Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, who said he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine, told National Nitwit reporters that this was not his only experiment in Oedipal cannibalism.

In the week before his mother Doris Dupree entered the hospital in 1971 with ovarian cancer, Richards said that he "purloined one of her bloody plugs" and used it as a martini stirrer.

"Look, mate - she was going in for major surgery, and there was a very good chance I might never see her again," he said. "I wanted... a part of her, something to remember her by. That, and I couldn't find my silver stirrer. I think the fucking maid nicked it."

Richards said that his consumption of his mother's ovarian discharge was a "sign of respect."

"She carried me in her belly, brought me into this world, and nursed me on her teat," he said, looking out a second-story window at his gardens. "It's the fucking least I could do for her, a way to show her that I appreciate all the shit I put her through."

A stirring moment for the anxious Richards

The serious illness of his mother, said Richards, "changed my whole outlook on life."

"I thought it was about time she stepped out of that closed shell. I knew she had bad periods, even if he didn't want to talk about it," he said. "You eventually realize that you're not the only one who is lonely or having problems. When I sat in her living room, sipping my drink through the bloody pad, I think I finally understood her, you know? I swear I almost heard her voice as I pulled the string out of my mouth."

Labels: Keith Richards, Rolling Stones, Tampons

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Orlando, FL)—A 50-year old German tourist was slain yesterday afternoon while riding one of the many futuristic rides at Disney World’s Epcot Center in Orlando, and remarkably, it may have been an act of self-defense.

While local police officials have yet to pursue all possible leads, the ride known as Charlie “The Space Rocket” Garcia claims that Hiltgrid Fraudenschnel threatened him with “guttural phlegm, body odor, and a massive chin mole.”

Disney officials have yet to offer a formal explanation to the public, but spokesperson Joan Baxter did offer a brief statement to the press early this morning.

“We are deeply saddened by the death of this Nazi cunt,” Baxter affirmed to a packed room of journalists. “We also regret the negative impact this will have on our summer business, and will do whatever we can to quietly pay off her family and keep this shit out of the courts.”

Left: An artist’s rendition of the late Ms. Fraudenschnel

Meanwhile, “Space Rocket” Garcia remains temporarily ‘out of order,’ since his massive steel frame prevents him from being formally incarcerated.

“Have you ever had some stanky Hun sit on your face?,” Space Rocket lamented. “I was just protecting myself. Any good American would have done the same, and hurled the bitch 50 feet to her death while her kids looked on with terror.”

Labels: Disney, Orlando, tourism

Joakim is woman, hear her roar

(Atlanta) History will be made this evening, as Joakim Noah of the Florida Gators becomes the first female to play in an NCAA men's Final. She spoke with National Nitwit reporters before warmups this evening.

"We used to think that basketball is what men did in a kind of warrior tradition and it was played in arenas and cost a lot of money," she said, doing some leg stretches. "Then we understood that women could be basketball players, too, and we try to enter those arenas and to play the game and be recognized for it."

Noah said that she hopes her performance tonight will be an inspiration to women worldwide, and looked back on how far women have advanced in the past few decades.

"It was not so very long ago we were told that there is no such thing as a vaginal orgasm," she said, signing autographs for nearby children. "It's no wonder women are pissed, because we’ve been told we’re immature if we don’t have a kind of orgasm that just doesn’t exist. Hello? It's my vagina, and I know what an orgasm is."

An emotional moment for Joakim and her teammates

Noah added that she hopes her example will help change "old-fashioned and outdated thinking."

"All the qualities that have wrongly been called feminine are really only qualities necessary to raise children, like patience, nurturing, attention to detail, empathy, that sort of stuff," she said. "But men develop them, too — men have them just as much as women do. And you are going to see some grown men cry tonight, too, over on the Ohio State bench, when we kick their fucking asses."

Labels: Florida, Joakim Noah, Molesterol. Ohio State, NCAA

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—The beloved Geico Gecko was arrested early this morning as the lead suspect in a horrendous hit-and-run accident that occurred late last night on the Sunset Strip, leaving two dead and one man in critical condition.

While the Los Angeles Police Department declined to comment pending “an ongoing investigation,” several eyewitnesses place the Gecko at the heart of the collision, which occurred at approximately 2 a.m.

“That son of bitch all over road,” recalled Sonia Marquez, a migrant worker from a nearby motel. “He crazy and drunk. Man, he one eye on lamppost, one eye on hooker, no eye on stop sign.”

And as if this weren’t enough trouble for the young Cockney star, an exclusive National Nitwit investigation has revealed his financial joyride—a staggering $8.2 million contract signed just last week—may soon come to a screeching halt.

“That limey bastard hasn’t paid taxes since he gained dual citizenship back in ‘02,” revealed Jim Dugan, an administrative clerk at the Internal Revenue Service. “Unless he’s got some lost Beatles recordings hidden up his ass, he’s gonna spend his final days in a zoo.”

Labels: GECIO Gecko, geckos